Wondering what went wrong...

[Smothered]

in my relationship. My ex and I were together over three years and broken up close to four months. Since the break

 

up, I've been thinking what went wrong in our relationship.

 

But the more I think about went wrong in the relationship all I could come up with is my lack of attention to her. I asked a very close friend of mine and he said I was nuts! He

 

voiced his opinion and said the opposite. We spent too much time together! Can that be one of the problems! I'm not sure! When I last spoke to my ex, she told me it wasn't me but yet said that it was the both of us. What did she do? I asked her why, and all she keeps coming up with is that she's busy with school and wants to concentrate. I respect her wishes but her education wasn't a factor when we were still together. Better yet, she needed me more when school became aggrevating and stressful. I'm so confused! Mind you, I still love this person trmendously and unconditionally. I want to be there for her but how can I if the love isn't mutual! (Tells me she doesn't want to say those three words becuase she doesn't want to lead me on!) What's that suppose to mean? I'm so lost at this time! A womans' perspective would be really nice but any gender will do at this point! Thank-you!

[Tony T]

Stop screwing your mind all up trying to figure out what went wrong. It was most likely nothing you did. People just move on for different reasons and many times you just don't know why...and neither do they. Stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure all of this out. Just heal from the relationship and move on.

 

When a woman tells you it's over, she usually means it. But that doesn't mean the world comes to an end. Once we have healed from the heartbreak, we can open ourselves up to great things.

 

If something was not meant to be, it just won't be. Accept that.

[Cathy]

Tony-

 

I've never been able to understand why people move on- as you describe for reasons even unknown to themselves. Do you have any further insights into some of the motivations for why people move on, especially when the people get along and there were no issues?

 

Thanks !

in my relationship. My ex and I were together over three years and broken up close to four months. Since the break up, I've been thinking what went wrong in our relationship. But the more I think about went wrong in the relationship all I could come up with is my lack of attention to her. I asked a very close friend of mine and he said I was nuts! He voiced his opinion and said the opposite. We spent too much time together! Can that be one of the problems! I'm not sure! When I last spoke to my ex, she told me it wasn't me but yet said that it was the both of us. What did she do? I asked her why, and all she keeps coming up with is that she's busy with school and wants to concentrate. I respect her wishes but her education wasn't a factor when we were still together. Better yet, she needed me more when school became aggrevating and stressful. I'm so confused! Mind you, I still love this person trmendously and unconditionally. I want to be there for her but how can I if the love isn't mutual! (Tells me she doesn't want to say those three words becuase she doesn't want to lead me on!) What's that suppose to mean? I'm so lost at this time! A womans' perspective would be really nice but any gender will do at this point! Thank-you!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Do you have any further insights into some of the motivations for why people move on, especially when the people get along and there were no issues?"

 

Yes, I do.

 

First, people don't leave anything they are happy with. So, first, they leave because they aren't happy in a situation, either because of the other person or because of themselves. There are a number of people who just aren't happy people and they wouldn't be happy with anyone.

 

There are relationship junkies who collect people and their mission is just to go from one person to the other, regardless of circumstances, and keep on going just to avoid facing some obscure intimacy problem they may have. They often don't even know consciously why they are the way they are so they can't really communicate it to their partners.

 

But they may not be happy because of themselves, not because of the other person.

 

Once you consider the above, you can come up will millions of reasons why people leave a relationship...millions of reasons why they may not be happy with themselves, happy with the other person, happy with the relationship, etc.

 

1. The biggest reason is lack of communication. The person that leaves is irritated about a problem, habit, etc. but is unwilling or unable to discuss it with the other person. For instance, a partner may have bad breath. Some people just don't know how to tell a partner their breath is terrible...so they leave rather than speak up. Yes, you read that right.

 

2. Everything might be very fine but the person leaving may not feel that spark necessary to take the relationship to it's next level...again, they may not communicate this...they may just leave.

 

3. A lot of what people do relates to their childhood. A person may leave a relationship because the other person is so different from one or the other parent...behavior that the person expected in a relationship. Yes, a lot of people expect things to be just like home everywhere they go. Yes, people are nuts!

 

Many women think that every many in the world is great at fixing cars because their dad was good at that. Others may think that everytime they are sad, their guy will fork over some money because, yes...dear old dad did that. You can't marry your dad, marrying father figures only works if both people are having their needs met, that is, if the man was looking for a daughter figure and the woman was looking for a father figure. Eventually, this won't work because once all the nurturing is handled and one or both of the parties grow up psychologically, the first to realize will be the first to bolt!

 

There is no real point to go on and on. There are infinite reasons and not enough space on the internet to post them. Suffice it to say that many of the problems and reasons could be handled with good communication. A lot of the problems lie solely within the person who is leaving and have nothing to do with the other person.

 

A lot of time the partner who is leaving has absolutely no understanding of why they want out except they just aren't happy generally. Many are frightened at the heightened level of intimacy and have to jet off as soon as the relationship gets really good.

 

You can blow you mind trying to look for reasons and that's why I advised the poster above to stop screwing her mind trying to figure things out because she will probably never do that and it's immaterial. When somebody's gone, you get over it in your own time and move on to somebody who has their head on a little better...and who can communicate somewhat better.