Is my gf cheating again? LONG post....

[longstory]

Hey all, first post here…looking for some advice on what to do. And let me say up front that I know most of you will think I am a huge sucker and loser after reading my story, but I am sort of desparate for as much advice as I can get so I will tell it anyways

 

I am 30 yrs old, great looking guy, great job, family, etc., etc…my gf of 5 yrs (on an off) is 27 and has all the same attributes. We started our relationship 6 yrs ago but both cheating on our partners. I had a gf and she was engaged only a few months to her wedding date, long story short- we both broke things off with the others and decided to be with each other- right about this time I had to move to finish school so we were long distance for a year and because of how we started, we had huge trust issues but then in 2002 I came back home and things were good till 2004 when she broke up with me out of nowhere to date a guy from her church. 2 months after, she begged me to take her back and I did. I was devastated without her since I really really love her and do anything in the world for her. Things were good and again last year 2005 same thing happened but a different guy and again 2 months after she realized he wasn’t the right now, she came crying back to me…now she swore to me that she didn’t sleep with either of these guys even after I told here that I did sleep with other women during both break-ups, but the truth is sexually for me nothing comes close to my gf. She and I just have a chemistry in bed that is very hard to find…so this time I wasn’t sure if I wanted her back but we started sleeping together again and this went on for a few months and before I knew it we were practically back together again even without officially ever saying so….which brings me to the present. The past year and a half after this episode, this have been going very good. She has taken me home to her parents most weekends, I love them they really really love me and everything’s been great and we both said we would never let cheating come between us and we even talked about getting engaged…Only here is the problem. I noticed over the last year (about a few months after we “got back” together) that we practically stopped having a sex life. This bothered me not only because that’s important to me but also because she has always been a very sexual person before that, extremely open minded and adventurous and for the past year, she has been a total opposite….for e.g. she would start acting offended if I even touched her in bed, we still have been having sex like maybe once a month but only when she initiates and never when I try to so I have pretty much given up…and as of late, I have noticed some of the same patterns as before…not emailing or calling me as much, always being really critical and very easily agitated, leaving work unusually early many days, not being able to get a hold of her etc..etc…and a few months back I found a strange number in her cell phone which she had called and received calls from like 10 times and she had no explanation except she broke down about how I don’t trust her and eventually I just let it go and decided to trust her…I think this past weekend was the final straw when she said she was going to visit her brother and we had a talk about how I am still having trust issues and that maybe I will call her cell to talk so she could reassure me…she sent me a txt in the morning telin me she loves me and I went over to a friends’ house to hang out…later on, I called her multiple times and only a few hour after I had called, I got a very small txt msg from her. And her story of the weekend just doesn’t satisfy me…and I noticed that when I picked her up at the station last night, the first thing she did was to erase all call history and txt history from her cell…so I am once again feeling hurt jealous and just torn apart and have spent the past 3 days feeling that way and totally powerless to do anything about it…her and I have been through this sort of thing a thousand times in the past and I’m not really sure how much talking about it will help- I told myself after the last time that if this ever happened again, I’d get out with no more hurt feelings because I genuinely believed that I had been hurt as much as I could and there was not much more pain left to feel…How wrong I was because I feel just as ****ty as the last two times and even more of a loser for sinking yet another year into it….

Thanks for reading my story and I would really appreciate any heartfelt advice as so whether I’m overreacing, overly sensitive, what to do, what not to do…etc., etc

[michelangelo]

And I really doubt that it ever will be.

 

her pattern is of a serial cheater who keeps you on the leash.

 

Move on.

[Guest]

I think your instincts are right. When my boyfriend was cheating, these were all the telltale symptoms--from the odd phone behaviors, to the lack of a sex drive, to becoming easily agitated and stories just not quite lining up. I'd trust your instincts on this one and walk out with your head held high--you've given it your all. I understand that we all need to do things in our own time, and if you decide to stick it out with her, that's your decision. But I think you have too many other opportunities on the horizon, and she is just taking up your valuable time. It's usually better to be alone, and have great friends, than to be vulnerable and with someone intimately who you can't trust--it's an awful feeling.

 

Best of luck

[Bryanp]

All right I will say it. You are a sucker. She is a serial cheater. She cheats on the guy she is going to marry to be with you. Twice she breaks up with you to be with other men and now this.

She is a cake eater. She enjoys having a steady boyfriend in you who she can show off to her parents and also enjoys having the ability to be with other men behind your back. Do you really wish to have a future with a woman who is a serial cheater? Get your head out of your butt and see things the way they are and not the way you wish them to be. Find another person you can trust and who respects you and the value of a committment. Your girlfriend is not this person. Stop being a fool. Enough is enough!

[john2776]

I have no doubt in my mind at all - yes she is cheating on you, and she always will. You seem to think you are a good catch, so go and find yourself a good woman! Its easy to get caught in a bad relationship when you love the other person because you can be oblivious to reality, but you ARE already aware of what is going on - so act on the knowledge you have and move on. Take this as a lesson - trust your instinct more in the future.

[jcrew]

Hey all, first post here…looking for some advice on what to do. And let me say up front that I know most of you will think I am a huge sucker and loser after reading my story, but I am sort of desparate for as much advice as I can get so I will tell it anyways

 

I am 30 yrs old, great looking guy, great job, family, etc., etc…my gf of 5 yrs (on an off) is 27 and has all the same attributes. We started our relationship 6 yrs ago but both cheating on our partners. I had a gf and she was engaged only a few months to her wedding date, long story short- we both broke things off with the others and decided to be with each other- right about this time I had to move to finish school so we were long distance for a year and because of how we started, we had huge trust issues but then in 2002 I came back home and things were good till 2004 when she broke up with me out of nowhere to date a guy from her church. 2 months after, she begged me to take her back and I did. I was devastated without her since I really really love her and do anything in the world for her. Things were good and again last year 2005 same thing happened but a different guy and again 2 months after she realized he wasn’t the right now, she came crying back to me…now she swore to me that she didn’t sleep with either of these guys even after I told here that I did sleep with other women during both break-ups, but the truth is sexually for me nothing comes close to my gf. She and I just have a chemistry in bed that is very hard to find…so this time I wasn’t sure if I wanted her back but we started sleeping together again and this went on for a few months and before I knew it we were practically back together again even without officially ever saying so….which brings me to the present. The past year and a half after this episode, this have been going very good. She has taken me home to her parents most weekends, I love them they really really love me and everything’s been great and we both said we would never let cheating come between us and we even talked about getting engaged…Only here is the problem. I noticed over the last year (about a few months after we “got back” together) that we practically stopped having a sex life. This bothered me not only because that’s important to me but also because she has always been a very sexual person before that, extremely open minded and adventurous and for the past year, she has been a total opposite….for e.g. she would start acting offended if I even touched her in bed, we still have been having sex like maybe once a month but only when she initiates and never when I try to so I have pretty much given up…and as of late, I have noticed some of the same patterns as before…not emailing or calling me as much, always being really critical and very easily agitated, leaving work unusually early many days, not being able to get a hold of her etc..etc…and a few months back I found a strange number in her cell phone which she had called and received calls from like 10 times and she had no explanation except she broke down about how I don’t trust her and eventually I just let it go and decided to trust her…I think this past weekend was the final straw when she said she was going to visit her brother and we had a talk about how I am still having trust issues and that maybe I will call her cell to talk so she could reassure me…she sent me a txt in the morning telin me she loves me and I went over to a friends’ house to hang out…later on, I called her multiple times and only a few hour after I had called, I got a very small txt msg from her. And her story of the weekend just doesn’t satisfy me…and I noticed that when I picked her up at the station last night, the first thing she did was to erase all call history and txt history from her cell…so I am once again feeling hurt jealous and just torn apart and have spent the past 3 days feeling that way and totally powerless to do anything about it…her and I have been through this sort of thing a thousand times in the past and I’m not really sure how much talking about it will help- I told myself after the last time that if this ever happened again, I’d get out with no more hurt feelings because I genuinely believed that I had been hurt as much as I could and there was not much more pain left to feel…How wrong I was because I feel just as ****ty as the last two times and even more of a loser for sinking yet another year into it….

Thanks for reading my story and I would really appreciate any heartfelt advice as so whether I’m overreacing, overly sensitive, what to do, what not to do…etc., etc

 

 

Ok, the worst about part about this type of situation is that you will get good advice, but it wont be anything that you care to hear. However speaking as a guy who has been in the same boat as you I can relate...actually quite well...though i only spent year in the relationship and im a bit younger(25)...but i know this type of girl...so please listen to what i have to say, because if i had to go through it i would at least like one person to able to right a wrong situation(something i wish i had learned earlier) Now here is the most important lesson...if something seems too coincidental, then they are lies...coincidences dont happen nearly that often and that close together...and im not asking u to even consider what she has done in the past because people will always have the excuse that they have changed...all u need to be concerned with are all of the "coincidences" you have noticed lately...people dont erase #'s and text messages in their phones for no reason, would you erase phone calls for no purpose...no, because why. And yes there are reasons why she doesnt answer your calls and only sends back short, quick, and convenient text messages in response... just ask yourself what the reason would be if you did those same things? and thats exactly why she is...because she is lying and cheating. Now here is your only option, break up with her... however what you do after that is up to you, many options... because this girl obviously cant get over you so easily either, make no mistake that doesnt mean she will ever be a good fit for you, it just means that you have alot more power over her than she lets on...otherwise why would she waste so much of her time as well... women have biological clocks that are alot worse than men...and thank god, in the end, time is on our side...she will come back to you, only with you in more control...my advice, break up with her, dont talk to her for awhile, let her crawl back to you...have fun with the renewed sex life as she tries to win you back...all while you date other women... and eventually you will find someone with better chemistry and more honesty... in the end, you can still win. good luck, but she is the one who will need it.

[britchick]

I would say, yes, she is cheating. Thing is you already know this. It seems that she wants something else and if the other man doesn't work out you start looking like the attractive option again. The longer you hang around the more chances you give her to treat you like this. No doubt if you break up with her, she will appear devastated. I would say this will be down to fear of being on her own rather than at losing you.

As for the lack of sex, it's just another symptom of what she's up to. Does she trust you?

Good luck.

[longstory]

I appreciate all the thoughts and beleive me I can see logically the signs are there. When I ask her about the sex life she responds by saying its because we are having problems and she is not fully happy in the relationship so she doesn't have much of a desire...

 

Here is where I have a real problem when it comes to making a final decision. She is very religious. Her whole family is...I'm talking church on sunday and bible study on week nights and I've gone to these things with her to be supportive...and the previous guys that she met and broke up with me for, were from these church groups, so I tended to believe her when she said there was no sex, because I know some of these types are just against the whole sex pre marriage thing...

 

My major problem is that on the one hand I see her involved with her religion and church and on the other hand I have these deep suspisions about cheating...and I just can NOT for the life of me reconcile the two things together...I keep telling myself, sure the signs are there but maybe I'm being oversensitive about it, because how can someone who calls themselves such a serious chrisitian go have meaningless sex with another guy behind her bf? I realize maybe it sounds like I'm making excuses for her or whatever, but I truely am stuck at this point...

[Bryanp]

People leave dual lives all the time. If you been reading these type of boards for any period of time you will find that so many cheaters are so-called Christians. They have the ability to compartmentalize their actions. I know it sounds absurd but it is far more prevelant than you realize. When they eventually become caught they will rationalize their actions in all sorts of ways.

[michelangelo]

Sometimes people use religiosity, an enhanced appearance of doing all the "right" things as per their religion, as a method for either:

 

1. Achieving moral behavior.

 

2. Covering up amoral behavior.

 

What you have to realize is the basic human condition is not changed by that.

[longstory]

Again you guys are right on all counts...and I can't say how much I appreciate all the thoughts...I personally know of at least one prominent church-goers who cheatd on his wife. And I do agree that all the signs are there....I asked her why she didn't call me back and she said her cell phone was in the car at the time and she was out...why would she not carry it if we had already had the discussion about me being able to call her any time. Also why the ereasing of all cell phone records? I confronted her and she acted exteremely upset and agitated, etc., etc...but I got no real answers out of it...she swears that she did not do anything wrong and even urged me to call her brother to check it out...but ofcourse she probably knows that I would never sink that low...so I am not sure how much that means...

 

So at this point, I have very strong suspision but I do NOT have direct proof. I think that if I break up with her just because of my strong suspision given our at best rocky history, I may not even have full closure...do I really want to break up with her for no real reason other than my own mental pictures of her sleeping with other guys?

 

I'd like to get proof if I can that something is going on, but on the other hand, I have a full time job and a life, so I am not exactly sure how to go about getting proof either...I just know that in my mind the only way to really move on and NEVER EVER look back on this, would be if I had some hard proof...

 

I\know I sound like someone with extremely low self-esteem...well, I've been really beaten down in the last few years because of what I've gone through with her

[Bryanp]

"I have really been beaten down in the last few years I have been with her." Don't you think that says it all. Imagine being with a person you could trust and who respected you and your relationship.

 

Her excuses to you are full of crap. I would call her brother for your own piece of mind. The bottom line is that you would have to be almost semi-masochistic to endure what you have been going through. Why don't you imagine being with a woman who enhances you rather than diminishes you. Why do you want all of this drama and disrespect in your life? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Enough is enough!

[pureluck]

Dude- Just get out.. I am telling I am going through that stuff and it doesn't end. U will always b wondering and thinking that something is going on.. Yes she prob is cheating.. I hate to tell u that.. I am in the same boat 31 good looking and great family.. I just realized that I am not going to put anymore energy into her anymore..

 

I told her not to contact me anymore write or call.. But she still does. Just this week I get a text page from her stating she had some cd's etc of mine. I totally ignored it..

 

Hopefully this is the last i hear from her. Dude don't waste your time or money on this girl. Just realize that there are other girls.. I shouldn't b giving advice but I have been going through the same stuff.. With the text pages and 'wrong numbers' at 130am...

Enjoy life... THere is someone better out there.. If not what did u lose.. Some chick playing with your head and emotions

[amerikajin]

Here is where I have a real problem when it comes to making a final decision. She is very religious. Her whole family is...I'm talking church on sunday and bible study on week nights and I've gone to these things with her to be supportive...and the previous guys that she met and broke up with me for, were from these church groups, so I tended to believe her when she said there was no sex, because I know some of these types are just against the whole sex pre marriage thing

 

So-called religious people are usually full of s---. The ones who I respect aren't the ones who go to church on Sunday and talk to anyone who'll listen about how religious they are; I respect those who quietly worship whatever deity they believe in and go out and live respectable lives. Some of the biggest hypocrites (i.e. poorly behaved people) are people who make it a point to go to church on Sunday - which is not to say that all people who go to church on Sunday are in the manner I've described, but I just tune people out when they start talking about how important religion is to them - especially if I've never asked them to tell me in the first place.

 

About your woman, you guys started your relationship under false pretenses so you shouldn't be surprised that this is how it's going to end. You should have had your fling and left it at that. You guys have had a relationship in which you've filled voids for each other over the past five years, but once someone else steps into the picture, you guys take a break until that relationship doesn't work out. That's what's going on here.

 

You need to ask yourself if you want a real relationship based on mutual feelings of respect, or if you want the relationship you're now in, which is based on simply feeling each other's emotional holes and putting patchwork over your insecurities.

[Amour77]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.... That what it all comes down to!

 

Dump the b****!

[ImInPain]

Yeah dude she sounds like a cheater. She may not even believe she is doing anything wrong. My swears up and down she is not and each time I believe her a new twist comes into the story. Trust your gut. If something smells like a turd it usually is a turd.