Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[LVspecB]

First post here. Just wondering how others handle this ongoing issue. My wife of 20 years has steadily gained 5-10 lbs a year during the course of our marriage, going from 125 lbs to 250 lbs (just a guess as she would never tell me her weight, but she is a size 22). We have had our ups and downs, sexually and otherwise, but in the last 5 years (as her weight has gone past 200 lbs) every arguement has ended with her trying to get me to agree to the statement that "you don't desire me as much because of my weight". So, last week I gave in, contradicting my earlier carefully phrased position that I loved her for all her qualities, and said yes, her obesity had caused me problems in our sex life and had diminished my drive and interest in lovemaking.

 

Now no sex at all. She tells me how "shallow" I am, only interested in appearance and not the real her. She goes into the bathroom, door locked, to dress or undress, heaven forbid I should see her naked. She told me last night I "humiliated" her and she's not sure where our physical relationship will go from here. She also said that when (and I guess if) our sex life resumes, it would not include intercourse, would be too uncomfortable.

 

I feel badly about how this happened, but also secretly relieved that we are at least talking about it, albeit in a dysfunctional way. I can't unring the bell, and like I said, not sure that I'd want to. I guess I'm asking that old question, "where to from here?" Thanks,

 

LVspecB

 

BTW - She has had many doctor visits, no medical reason for the weight gain...

[whichwayisup]

Is she depressed? I mean it's obvious her self confidence isn't there...She's putting on weight, there has to be a reason, or it's just aging.

 

Exercise, eating more healthy balanced meals, cut back on sugar, carbs, and other fatty foods.

 

Maybe you two need some marriage counselling...It can only help.

[P1xie]

I guess honesty sometimes can backfire. I think she is feeling really low about herself right now. Even more so than before since you agreed with her impressions of her.

 

Basically sorry to say the damage is done. Now all you can do is try to mend it. I don't know what her eating habits are. I know for a lot of overweight people it isn't gorging on food. I'm no doctor though. If there are a lot of fattening foods in the house, I would try to alleviate them, even if you have to do the shopping.

 

Exercise will probably boost her spirits up. How about if you ask her to take some walks together. Don't say let's go for a walk so you can lose weight. Just ask her to join you, that you would really enjoy her company. It will help her with weight loss and give you two some real bonding time.

[john2776]

I was in a similar situation when married, although my ex-wife didn't pack on as much as yours. When it got to the point you are at and we talked about it, we both agreed to do a weight watchers program. I didn't actually attend but I did all the diets with her and over a period of 9 months she returned to her original slim self and our sex life improved. The other positive thing out of it was that I also lost a bit of weight and have never changed my diet since doing that program which is about 7 years ago now. That bad news was that she eventually packed the weight on again (she simply eats too much and lacks self dicipline). Anyway thats her problem now given that she is an ex. Good luck to you, its going to be a long process. Oh yeah we did lots of exercising together also (walking and cycling). In hindsight I should have joined some kind of team sport together which would have also improved our bond.

[LVspecB]

Thanks for the replies. I don't think she is depressed so much as she is stressed over work related issues and food is her comfort. She understands the cycle and jokes about it ("better hide the chocolate cake") but doesn't seem motivated to change it. She won't maintain an exercise program - we've started many but there is always an excuse not to continue. I stay active, but on my own and with the kids - biking, hiking, tennis, etc. That's another thing we've lost as we used to do those things together as a family. It's been such a gradual thing that she doesn't see how sedentary her life has become. And after the last blow-up, any effort on my part to suggest activity is answered with "you just want me to lose weight so you'll be attracted to me again".

 

I guess I'm guilty as charged. Maybe I am shallow...

 

LVspecB

[Pink Amulet]

Why don't you explain to her the dangers of being overweight. I am sure it will probably gaurantee a sex free existence for you, but it might prevent an early death for her.

[britchick]

Isn't it amazing how us women say we want men to be honest and then hate it when they are? I'm so guilty of this, I'm not really overweight but bigger than I used to be (after 2 kids). It broke my heart and ruined my sex life for a while when my SO agreed with me that I'd put on a little too much. My SO was great though, told me he loved me all the time, lots of cuddles and naughty winks and stuff like that, basically he started flirting with me again. I don't know where he got the idea from but I started feeling attractive again, and therefore more inclined to do something about my weight (weight watchers is great). It takes a lot of patience, but it will reward you both in the end.

[stoopid_guy]

Isn't it amazing how us women say we want men to be honest and then hate it when they are?

Maybe you find it amazing, but we guys find it... (Shut-up Stoopid, you're gonna get in trouble!)

[superconductor]

Isn't it amazing how us women say we want men to be honest and then hate it when they are?

Reason #2477 why men should not share their feelings and just keep their mouth shut.

 

It's been stated before, but it's worth repeating that there is no way on earth that a man can bring up the subject of weight to his SO without getting skinned. We're either shallow, or we don't see the real person, or can't accept the SO for what they are, etc. etc.

 

Like the OP said, the bell can't be unrung (I like that metaphor!). She'll be upset and hurt, and will probably play that up as long as she can. No amount of being nice and supportive and all the rest will make any difference whatsoever.

 

In short, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

 

Sad, really, because though her weight gain is entirely self-induced, it clearly affects the whole marriage, but she seems more interested in defending her increasing size at the risk of ruining the relationship. And a sexless relationship with a spouse is no relationship at all.

 

OP, are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?

[Ripples]

I kinda disagree SuperConductor (is that electricity or busses? ). There is definately a way of giving critisism.

 

However, if the person isn't self-confident enough to take the critisism in a constructive way, then it's going to be harder. I tend to feel that women aren't, on the whole, as confident as men, they need a helluva lot more support when hearing potential denigration... Maybe the OP needs to find a way of showing his wife he loves her whatever, and the relationship needs work on both sides. She needs to get back to that sexy body he fell in love with.

[superconductor]

I agree, Ripples, that self-confidence has a lot to do with it. (damn, you're cute!)

 

From what I understood from the OP, though, she tried (and succeeded) in manipulating the discussion so he had little choice but to admit to her that her weight was unattractive. Then she lit up at him, called him shallow, etc. etc.

 

In short, she twisted the conversation into essentially forcing him to say what she didn't want to hear, for the purpose of pushing him further away.

 

At least, that's my take on it.

 

And, I agree that, "She needs to get back to that sexy body he fell in love with." No argument there. But the sense I get from the OP is that she's not willing to try.

[a4a]

I agree, Ripples, that self-confidence has a lot to do with it. (damn, you're cute!)

 

From what I understood from the OP, though, she tried (and succeeded) in manipulating the discussion so he had little choice but to admit to her that her weight was unattractive. Then she lit up at him, called him shallow, etc. etc.

 

In short, she twisted the conversation into essentially forcing him to say what she didn't want to hear, for the purpose of pushing him further away.

 

At least, that's my take on it.

 

And, I agree that, "She needs to get back to that sexy body he fell in love with." No argument there. But the sense I get from the OP is that she's not willing to try.

 

Your probably right SC.

The blame game..... not an attractive trait.

 

My guess is the W of the OP uses this tactic with more than just the weight thing.

 

Now if this woman ran across a man that said "thin women were not attractive" I highly doubt that she would label that man as "shallow".

[Ripples]

I agree, Ripples, that self-confidence has a lot to do with it. (damn, you're cute!)

 

From what I understood from the OP, though, she tried (and succeeded) in manipulating the discussion so he had little choice but to admit to her that her weight was unattractive. Then she lit up at him, called him shallow, etc. etc.

 

In short, she twisted the conversation into essentially forcing him to say what she didn't want to hear, for the purpose of pushing him further away.

 

At least, that's my take on it.

Yeah, exactly. Now why would she want to do that? There's gotta be an underlying reason? She's gotta be feeling pretty worthless, I mean if you really care about yourself, you're not going to put on that much weight (without a medical reason) if you only feel attractive when you're slim, so maybe she's manipulating it so she can say to herself "See, you really *are* crap, there's the proof!"? Am I being way too soft here?

 

And, I agree that, "She needs to get back to that sexy body he fell in love with." No argument there. But the sense I get from the OP is that she's not willing to try.

I guess I mean that maybe she would if she felt she was loved/loveable whatever. Awww, maybe I just read way too much into things...

 

Your probably right SC.

Now if this woman ran across a man that said "thin women were not attractive" I highly doubt that she would label that man as "shallow".

LMAO!

[Guest]

I hate people who ask for the truth then get angry when you tell it. You did the right thing by telling her the truth. It was not going to help her to think you are pleased with her appearance. I don't think it is fair to let yourself go in a marriage. She is taking you for granted. She needs to lose the weight for herself, you and the kids if you have them. She can start with smaller portions on her plate. I wouldn't take it back if I were you. She wanted the truth and now she knows. What is she going to do about it????

[StayClose]

This sounds to me like she eather feels bad about herself for putting on the weight, or she's putting it on intentionally to distance herself from you.

 

Then by getting you to admit you don't find it attractive, she can then make you the "bad guy." Maybe with some more cafeful communicaiton, or with a therapist, she can realize this and take steps to improve her life & feel better.

 

I'm familiar with this issue, as my wife has always been overwieght. She is currently about 30 pounds heavier than when I met her, but she was overweight then. If I try to tell her how beuatiful and sexy she looks, it comes off as insincere to her because it is obviously untue.

 

I've had some success telling her that it's not the appearance that tuns mon about her, it's her internal sensuality, which is true. When she is feeling sexual and acts sexual toward me, it really is a turn on, even at her current weight.

 

But when she's feeling down on herself and "too ugly" to have sex, there's really nothing I can do except consider my words carefully before speaking so I say nothing to make it worse.

[LVspecB]

I hate people who ask for the truth then get angry when you tell it. You did the right thing by telling her the truth.

But what have I gained through my "honesty"? She's so hurt and mad at me that we are barely speaking, much less sleeping together. So we have lost (temporarily, I hope) the physical tie to each other that is important to me. I also realize that my words were said in anger and, as such, lacked as much in style as she felt they lacked in substance. Not like she is now motivated to run out and start an exercise program.

 

Is it wrong that I look at her weight gain as a form of betrayal? It's not occurring in a vacuum but within the context of our relationship. If I went overboard in some aspect of my life - since we live in Las Vegas, let's say gambling - would she look at our marriage the same if I gambled away half my paycheck every month? I could say that her focus on that problem was "shallow", she should just love the "real me". Don't think it would fly.

 

Now I'm in a lose/lose situation, kind of like a hostage countdown. Day 10...

 

LVspecB

[michelangelo]

I agree, she trapped you into a box to state the obvious, that her obesity is unattractive.

 

Then she is punishing you for it.

 

Her weight gain may have nothing to do with you or your relationship though.

 

Her early eating habits and her family's wieght patterns are huge (sorry, no pun intended) factors.

 

For a lot of people, the putting on takes years, maybe even decades. Then the taking it off is expected by those around them to occur quickly. Yes, six months is quickly.

 

It is a daunting effort filled with backsliding.

 

Her weight gain may not stem from your relationship, but the effort to lose it is in the context of your life together.

 

it seems to me that she is using you as an excuse to not lose the weight because in her mind the only reason you would love her is if she were skinny, and she can't have that as the reason she is loved. So she will prefer to stay fat and miserable about it. Because it also satisfies another way about her, she is avoiding conncting with you too.

 

Lose-lose situation for you.

[a4a]

I agree, she trapped you into a box to state the obvious, that her obesity is unattractive.

 

Then she is punishing you for it.

 

Her weight gain may have nothing to do with you or your relationship though.

 

Her early eating habits and her family's wieght patterns are huge (sorry, no pun intended) factors.

 

For a lot of people, the putting on takes years, maybe even decades. Then the taking it off is expected by those around them to occur quickly. Yes, six months is quickly.

 

It is a daunting effort filled with backsliding.

 

Her weight gain may not stem from your relationship, but the effort to lose it is in the context of your life together.

 

it seems to me that she is using you as an excuse to not lose the weight because in her mind the only reason you would love her is if she were skinny, and she can't have that as the reason she is loved. So she will prefer to stay fat and miserable about it. Because it also satisfies another way about her, she is avoiding conncting with you too.

 

Lose-lose situation for you.

 

 

BANG hit the nail on the head.

 

So next step honesty... approach her tell her yes she is fat and yes you still love her but her fat body is not sexually attractive to you (fact).

You are willing to support her if she wishes to lose the weight.

 

I suggest MC asap.... her tactics of cornering/blaming you is not a healthy approach to communication at all.

[Guest]

Weight is a huge issue for women. We are pressured to look perfect. It seems we have to be a size two to be appealling. Everything on the market is about losing weight and looking perfect. She's realized she has gained a lot of weight since you two had met. She may be seeing something you are not seeing. Maybe you have cut down less with the, "You are beautiful," remarks and such. It happens in every relationship--you get comfortable so you don't feel the need to compliment the person so much. Anyway, she's just feeling undesirable by everyone. She's, most likely, very depressed and down about herself. I'd even go as far as to bet that she cries about it when she's alone.

Try to comfort her. Surprise her with some nice compliments. Maybe remark about how her extra weight has added to her curves (come on, you're an ass or breast man, surely!). Give her more hugs. Build her self-confidence a bit.

 

Could you use to lose a few pounds? If so then it would be a great idea to go on a diet and workout routine together. It may be difficult to convience her to do so with you since she feels so unappealing. Tell her you've been thinking about things and it's not that you dislike her body but it's her new additude that's came along with it. You realize she must feel out of place in this world being a bit heavy now and you understand it's been a big change from the past. Let her know you're willing to help her because you love her. If she agrees, praise her like crazy when she loses weight. Celebrate by going out and doing some activity she enjoys (bowling? rock climbing at the gym? something ACTIVE--not a greasy dinner that she'll regret later). Push your romance button a bit is all that can be said. She needs to feel that she is human and weight is not what makes her beautiful or ugly.

[LVspecB]

BANG hit the nail on the head.

 

So next step honesty... approach her tell her yes she is fat and yes you still love her but her fat body is not sexually attractive to you (fact).

You are willing to support her if she wishes to lose the weight.

 

I suggest MC asap.... her tactics of cornering/blaming you is not a healthy approach to communication at all.

Assuming I ever want to sleep in the same bed again, I can't see a version of "yes she is fat" leaving my lips...

 

I've always known that my wife does not respond well to criticism, constructive or otherwise. Raised by a hyper-critical father, she is very thin-skinned. I've always tread lightly in these kinds of interactions, both because of the potential for hurt but also I've simply found that finger-pointing and the blame game are not productive.

 

Unfortunately, I can hear some inner child in my head whining "it's not fair". She created the situation and I'm getting blamed for what seems like a natural reaction to it. Very confusing.

 

I'm trying to summon the motivation to make ammends. Thanks again for your thoughts...

 

LVspecB

[Green]

She's not the same person you married theres know way she has the same kind of energy carying around all that extra weight. You need to be suportive but watch out for anything even if she calls her self fat dont joke around with her about it... She might be depressed or a combo of things you should write Dr. Phill and go on his show I bet he could help you..

[superconductor]

I'm trying to summon the motivation to make ammends.

Unless she's very much different than every other woman I've ever known, there is no way that you'll be able to make amends over this.

 

Women, bless or curse them for it, have extraordinarily long memories. And weight is an extraordinarily sensitive subject for many of them.

 

Put the two together and it's nothing short of domestic disaster.

 

The way I see it - and I sincerely hope I'm wrong on this - is that, basically, you're screwed. There is nothing you can do, say, or be that will erase what's been said.

 

Back to one of my original questions: Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this?

[LVspecB]

Back to one of my original questions: Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this?

Probably a bigger question than I'm prepared to answer right now. Already once divorced, I'm not sure I could put my 8-yr old son (or myself) through the process again. Feels like I have few options - can't leave and can't (the way things are) stay. Something will have to give...

LVspecB

[LVspecB]

She's not the same person you married theres know way she has the same kind of energy carying around all that extra weight. You need to be suportive but watch out for anything even if she calls her self fat dont joke around with her about it... She might be depressed or a combo of things you should write Dr. Phill and go on his show I bet he could help you..

If she had this reaction to my thoughts on her weight in a private conversation, I'm not sure that I'd want to discuss it on national TV

 

LVspecB

[honeybunch2k5]

I agree, we women want to have it both ways-we want our men to be honest, but we punish them when they say something unpleasant.

 

I would try to tell her the dangers of being overweight-like hormonally driven cancers (i.e. breast cancer). I would try doing something together like walking or going to the gym. Your wife neeeds to have enough self respect to maintain her health for her own good, not just for you. I bet she'd complain if she had stayed small and you gained 100+ pounds. I think we're all supposed to be active whether or not we're overweight.

 

I would also say stay away from fast food. Stay at home, whip something up. If you're lost there's the food network. Rachel Ray cooks stuff in only 30 minutes. If you wouldn't want her gorging on junk food,just don't buy it. If she's like me, she may have problems stopping once she starts. Solution? Don't even have it in the house!