Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[worriedsick]

Here's the problem though....

 

You can NEVER give up on the one you're determined to love. If you've made an active choice to stay in this thing through thick or thin... you can't just "give up" on the guy and accept the you're never going to be happy.

 

In the end, if you become an 'unhappy' person... he might be the one who leaves YOU.

Unhappy people aren't fun to spend time with, right?

 

I don't really see any other option. I have tried literally every suggestion anyone in this forum could have suggested and still he remains unmotivated. He seems content to be fat. I'm not really unhappy with our marriage - the obesity and lack of concern on his part is really what irks me. I finally came to the realization that if I kept pushing him to get in shape, it would cause more problems because he always felt I was nagging him which made him do even less. I guess I have accepted the fact that it will either continue indefinitely this way, or one of us will eventually get tired of it and leave. i understand that if our marriage eventually turns into a sexless one because I won't let him touch me, he will likely look elsewhere. And if he does, be it cheating or divorce, I will feel that I did everything I could to improve the situation and in the end the blame is on him, not me. At least I have accepted that and can sort of move on, instead of getting stuck in the same position I was in for a long time - pissed off all the time. I feel like I put the ball in his court and he can do with it what he likes for the time being.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure what to tell you.

I can tell you what I would do if I were in your situation, but I'm not sure it would be a natural behavior for you.

 

If it were me... I'd completely immerse myself in active loving. I'd tease and cajole, and I'd try to put as much FUN into the process of diet and excersize as I could. I'd make an effort to give my husband a positive interaction whenever he was in my company, and I'd refrain completely from giving him any negativity whenever he fell off the 'diet wagon'.

 

AND.... I'd be giving him LOTS of affection and sex. Hey, I'd be willing to bet he'd settle for strawberries dipped in lowfat yogurt and march right on by the chocolate cake without so much as a squeak... provided the fruit's served up by a NAKED woman.

 

But you can't do all that just to get something in return. In order to be successful, it's got to be sincere. You'd have to do it because it's what's in your heart.

 

Honestly, I think you're making this soooo much harder than it has to be. Mostly, because it seems that you take the problem personally, as if he stays fat just to piss you off.

 

I have to wonder if there's some kind of leftover insecurity at work here since your husband has a previous history of infidelity. It's not so unusal for people to 'test' their partner's love when they're feeling insecure. I don't think it's done on a conscious level, but hey... if we can get our partner to PROVE his love, it sure goes along way toward making us feel a bit more confident in the relationship.

[catgirl1927]

worriedsick, it seems the basic misunderstanding from the people giving you advice here is that you HAVE tried. Because your very first post was deemed to be hostile toward your poor, overweight through no fault of his own husband, they keep telling you the problem is YOU.

 

I struggled with the same thing in my first marriage. The weight gain was a very small thing, I was far more concerned with the complete lack of ambition and lack of drive, the fact that he cared about NOTHING except his remote control airplanes and had no vision of the future. He was literally fine with staying exactly as we were forever, and was HIGHLY critical of me for advancing in my career. It's not exactly the same as your h's weight, but it's the same sort of laissez faire attitude.

 

There's no simple answer, despite what you're reading here, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Being more affectionate, putting yourself and your feelings aside as he has and reinforcing that he should never have to compromise in marraige will only make you more miserable and eventually crazy. You honestly seem to me to have a pretty firm grasp of what's going on. He isn't going to make an effort because right now, he doesn't care enough. There is always a chance that he will come to his senses and realize that you matter too, and all you can do is hope for that and continue to live your life. You do the best you can for as long as you can, and then you save yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

worriedsick, it seems the basic misunderstanding from the people giving you advice here is that you HAVE tried. Because your very first post was deemed to be hostile toward your poor, overweight through no fault of his own husband, they keep telling you the problem is YOU.

 

Where do you get the idea that people are telling her that she is the problem, Catgirl?

I think it's more likely that people are telling her that she's the SOLUTION... or at least part of it.

 

This lady has stated that she has no interest in leaving her marriage at this time. So... what worked for you in your first marriage is clearly not the solution she's hoping for.

 

Yeah... people are likely to take offense if she makes wide-sweeping statements in predjudice of "tubbies". Hey, I'm one of them. Because when I think of some of my good friends who might make two of me if we weighed in on a scale, you know what?.... they might also make two of me if we weighed in on a scale of human compassion. I'm talking about GOOD people, who shouldn't be judged by their appearance. And for someone who is not directly affected by what these folks look like... why be a hater?

 

People have said that being overweight is a choice, not something you can't control like a racial difference would be. But hey... we control our religious preferences, don't we? And do you go around hating people for their spiritual beliefs? Probably not.

 

What's more, unless we are DIRECTLY affected by somebody else's fat... how is THEIR body any of our business? Here's a news flash for you, some people are perfectly content with their bodies, and not all of those people are a size 6. Some overweight people are in overall better health than their skinnier counterparts too.

 

You know what would be nice? If every 'hater' had to wear a big-ass sandwich board for at least one day out of the year proclaiming their "disgust" for whatever group of people they were "disgusted" by. Now THAT would be an eye-opener, wouldn't it?

 

Anyway, when we're talking about intimate relationships and obesity as it applies to sexuality, there IS a concern for the overweight person's partner, and they ARE directly affected by it. So in those terms, there's a legitimate problem within the relationship.

 

I can't imagine any scenario in which the withholding of love and affection is going to effectively solve that problem without introducing MORE problems into the relationship. When you disengage from your partner and create emotional distance, you allow an environment in which resentment and spite will develop.

 

If I 'walk a mile' for the overweight partner in either of these two scenarios above, I feel rejected and criticized. And while I'm not usually a spiteful person... I have to admit, I'd probably ACT of those feelings. I'd either be 'cleaning out' the fridge daily and packing on another 50 pounds, or I'd drop the weight, f*ck somebody else, and then come home saying... "hey baby, doesn't my ass look fine? Yeah, your best friend thought so too!"

 

:(

 

So, what's to be gained by introducing those negative feelings into your partner? Does anybody respond to withdrawal and rejection with heart-felt compliance? How can you expect a positive reaction from a negative action? You behave negatively with your spouse, and they're supposed to respond to that in a positive way? That doesn't even make sense to me.

 

The ONLY times in my life I've EVER experienced what could be described as an epiphany is when I dropped whatever mindset I was holding firm to... and briefly considered that I might be totally WRONG. On those particular occasions it's like a lightbulb suddenly shedding light on something I couldn't see before... an "Ah-hah" moment when CLARITY descends.

 

There's just no way for WorriedSick to force her agenda on her husband. She can leave him, of course that's an option. But she can't MAKE him do a damn thing he doesn't want to do. If she allows room for resentments to grow, either on her part or on his... they're gonna do just that. Resentments aren't much different than a snowball rolling downhill.

 

And THIS is where I think she can be part of the solution. She can't control her husband, but she CAN control her own actions. It is possible for her to lay out parameters where her husband might eventually WANT to do things that please her. She can, if effect, make it EASY for him to select the behavior she craves.

 

We don't know him. And there's no guarentee that he'll ever make a choice like that. He might be a complete a*hole for all we know. He could be a person who will NEVER commit himself to an action that's not self-centered in nature. But she says she loves him... so we're left assuming that she probably wouldn't waste her time on a guy who's so stuck on himself.

 

WorriedSick says she's tried all that's been offered here before. But has she tried it to just as a method of getting her way?... or has she tried it because it's what's written on her heart? She says she "vents" here, which means that if she's feeling the need to vent... there's built up frustration and resentment underlying her efforts.

 

And no matter how we might try to act without others seeing our hidden emotions... we can't fool everybody all the time. It's even harder to try and fool somebody who already KNOWS your agenda. In that case, a person might as well have a neon sign floating above their head..."I'm only being nice to you because I want something".

 

It can't work if it's not honest.

[Lighteyes4u143]

I understand your frustration and hers but I do agree that the truth had to come out because if not it would dig an even deeper wedge in you relationship. I don't feel that you are shallow and i am a woman. in the course of my marriage my husband has put on a lot of weight and it is hard for me to be sexually attracted to him because of his weight. It doesn't mean that I don't love him and that I wouldn't have sex with him but i feel that it drove a wedge in our marriage. So one day I told him because it got to be a little to hard for me. Since I told him he has been trying to improve himself. I do feel that he is doinf it for the wrong reasons and I told him that too, but in the end it is better for his health and our marriage and I think that he see that too. As for your wife being hurt she will get over it just be patient she knows that you love her she is just trying to prove a point to you. I promise this will pass. good luck to you I hope all goes better in the near future

First post here. Just wondering how others handle this ongoing issue. My wife of 20 years has steadily gained 5-10 lbs a year during the course of our marriage, going from 125 lbs to 250 lbs (just a guess as she would never tell me her weight, but she is a size 22). We have had our ups and downs, sexually and otherwise, but in the last 5 years (as her weight has gone past 200 lbs) every arguement has ended with her trying to get me to agree to the statement that "you don't desire me as much because of my weight". So, last week I gave in, contradicting my earlier carefully phrased position that I loved her for all her qualities, and said yes, her obesity had caused me problems in our sex life and had diminished my drive and interest in lovemaking.

 

Now no sex at all. She tells me how "shallow" I am, only interested in appearance and not the real her. She goes into the bathroom, door locked, to dress or undress, heaven forbid I should see her naked. She told me last night I "humiliated" her and she's not sure where our physical relationship will go from here. She also said that when (and I guess if) our sex life resumes, it would not include intercourse, would be too uncomfortable.

 

I feel badly about how this happened, but also secretly relieved that we are at least talking about it, albeit in a dysfunctional way. I can't unring the bell, and like I said, not sure that I'd want to. I guess I'm asking that old question, "where to from here?" Thanks,

 

LVspecB

 

BTW - She has had many doctor visits, no medical reason for the weight gain...

[LVspecB]

I understand your frustration and hers but I do agree that the truth had to come out because if not it would dig an even deeper wedge in you relationship. I don't feel that you are shallow and i am a woman. in the course of my marriage my husband has put on a lot of weight and it is hard for me to be sexually attracted to him because of his weight. It doesn't mean that I don't love him and that I wouldn't have sex with him but i feel that it drove a wedge in our marriage. So one day I told him because it got to be a little to hard for me. Since I told him he has been trying to improve himself. I do feel that he is doinf it for the wrong reasons and I told him that too, but in the end it is better for his health and our marriage and I think that he see that too. As for your wife being hurt she will get over it just be patient she knows that you love her she is just trying to prove a point to you. I promise this will pass. good luck to you I hope all goes better in the near future

Thank you for your thoughts. We are at least "interacting" again so things are better than right after the blow-up. Still haven't discussed the volatile issue that got us here - too painful, I guess...

 

I was thinking the other day about all the physical problems that I feel are at least related to my wife's weight and lifestyle. They are:

 

1). Sleeps with CPAP mask and machine due to sleep apnea

2). Fairly frequent headaches

3). Consistent back problems that periodically flare up to serious

4). Foot and heel problems

5). Low immunity - seems to get many colds, flu, etc.

 

She has rendered herself, at the fairly young age of 46, at least partially disabled. We went to The Rocky Mountain Nat'l Park this summer (beautiful place well worth a visit ) and took a family hike with our 8-year up to an Alpine lake. Unfortunately, my son and I made it up to the lake and back in the time it took my wife to traverse the first half of the trail.

 

I know that any discussion I have with her about her health will be interpreted as the "weight/sex" thing. So, I just hang in there, hoping for (but not expecting) a change...

 

LVspecB

[Guest]

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

LVspecB

 

Standing by without comment would be great if to speak is to attack. Find out how to speak productively and she/he may welcome your concern.

[katiebour]

As a gal who in the past 10 years has gained about 60-70 lbs, I know how hard it is to deal with, and how demoralizing it can be to try and take it off and/or deal with an SO who hates your weight. My first bf and I broke up at the age of 22 in large part because he admitted he wasn't attracted to me anymore, and that he was "looking at other girls."

 

Anyway...

 

I lost about 30 lbs while in Japan, (5'5") down to about 160. Came back to the US and gained it all back. VERY frustrating.

 

My current bf met me at my current weight, and we talk about it from time to time. He is 6'4" and 200lbs- has a 30" waist. He's gaining weight too (freshman 15) and is not happy about it either. We are both doing the best we can to lose the weight.

 

I just moved to a small town where I walk to work every day (15 mins there, and back); it mimics my exercise routine in Japan, hopefully with similar results. My b/f and I went swimming for the first time in a LONG time in the university pool- lots of fun!

 

Anyway, here's my suggestion-

 

Ballroom dancing.

 

I love ballroom dancing. It's great exercise, something you get to do with the person you love, lots of fun, and very social. The cha-cha is very flirty, doing "the chase" can make a person feel very sexy. Polka-ing will take your breath away, literally- it is SOO tiring (but fun!).

 

If you're at all into video games (or your kid is), you might try Dance Dance Revolution. I love that game, and just read today, actually, about a woman who lost 100 lbs playing it. Great exercise, fun for the whole family, and you can focus more on building skill than on weight loss.

 

I find that if I'm doing an activity I hate "just to lose weight," I stop doing it after a few days. I either have to make it a neccessary part of my everyday routine (i.e. walking to work and back saves me the gas and the time trying to find on-campus parking) or I have to enjoy it (ballroom dancing, swimming, or Dance Dance Revolution.)

 

We eat pretty well actually- not a lot of fast or fatty food. Probably should eat more fruits and veggies, but when money is tight (I'm the breadwinner right now- he's the poor student) you tend to eat whatever is cheapest.

 

As far as doing it together- your physical ability and facility (i.e. being able to hike with your kid while your wife is puffing along behind) is just going to further illustrate the gap in your fitness. I'd say that unless it's an activity that naturally requires the both of you (dancing) than she should look into a woman-only facility with lots of support like Curves. I'd go there myself if I could afford it.

 

It's a tough situation. My ex-bf and I broke up in large part because of the break in intimacy that his lack of attraction to me caused. Not that it was his fault- but I must say I'm 10x happier with my current bf who loves me and finds me attractive despite my weight of 190ish lbs. The ex is probably happier with whatever skinny-minnie he's hooked up with too. Without the constant push of "lose weight or I won't love you/make love to you/be attracted to you anymore" that I had with my first bf, I find it a lot easier to focus on losing weight for ME.

 

I read an article by Dr. Phil where he said, "You gain weight together. But you lose it YOURSELF." Tying someone else into your weight loss gives you an excuse- if they slip, then you can slip too.

 

Could you guys spring for a gastric band? You can get it done for about $2500 in Mexico. An expensive option, but it works for many.

 

Just my thoughts- it's hard to fight the battle of the bulge. I wish your wife luck.

 

Honestly- if you can't stand the way she looks to the point where you don't want to be intimate with her, or where it becomes a bone of contention or a constant sore point ruining your togetherness, you should seriously think about whether you want to stay together. She deserves to be with someone who will accept her as she is (women are often accused of trying to "fix" their partner- it's just as wrong when done by either partner) and you deserve to be with someone who fulfills your relationship needs.

 

My thoughts, take what you like and leave the rest. Take care!

[LVspecB]

Katie:

 

Thanks for your thoughtful words. The bottom line is - I do love my wife! I've been faithful, worked hard to provide a good life and tried to support her in her career and other efforts. She is great person and has brought just as much to our marriage as I have. We have 3 great kids, nice house, all the material things one could want.

 

And yet, we're struggling with this issue. Things are better now but this still hangs out there - my reaction, her reaction to my reaction, etc...

 

LVspecB

[carmaenforcer]

LVspecB

Sorry if I repeat something already said for I didn't have time to read all posts.

I just got off of another thread with a woman complaining about her husband not wanting her anymore because she's fat, UHHH DUHHH, yet it somehow became the guys fault for not being sensative enough or somehow getting her off her fat a_s to excecise.

Do women take any responsability for anything?

 

You know what, I get the same thing from my Wife. You don't want me anymore, your going to cheat on me for not going down on you, etc, etc.

I'm sick of it as well but you should know better than to ever be honest with a woman, they only want to hear what they want to hear, the truth as they would want it to be. Your an idiot for not continewing to lie to her about your need of happiness and deserve to be punished by not getting sex or being able to see your fat Wifes hot body. Oh darn, what ever will you do.

[Guest]

LVspecB

Sorry if I repeat something already said for I didn't have time to read all posts.

I just got off of another thread with a woman complaining about her husband not wanting her anymore because she's fat, UHHH DUHHH, yet it somehow became the guys fault for not being sensative enough or somehow getting her off her fat a_s to excecise.

Do women take any responsability for anything?

 

You know what, I get the same thing from my Wife. You don't want me anymore, your going to cheat on me for not going down on you, etc, etc.

I'm sick of it as well but you should know better than to ever be honest with a woman, they only want to hear what they want to hear, the truth as they would want it to be. Your an idiot for not continewing to lie to her about your need of happiness and deserve to be punished by not getting sex or being able to see your fat Wifes hot body. Oh darn, what ever will you do.

 

I honestly don't see any reason why a woman wouldn't want to lose her weight, unless there's a medical issue involved. They don't lose it not because they can't but because they won't. Simple as that! You guys lost their respect somewhere along the way... Maybe even by being TOO soft with them.

[worriedsick]

I honestly don't see any reason why a woman wouldn't want to lose her weight, unless there's a medical issue involved. They don't lose it not because they can't but because they won't. Simple as that! You guys lost their respect somewhere along the way... Maybe even by being TOO soft with them.

 

Umm, shouldn't the same hold true for a man? I can't imagine why a man would want to be fat, either.

[Green]

Umm, shouldn't the same hold true for a man? I can't imagine why a man would want to be fat, either.

 

Only women can be considered fat

[worriedsick]

Only women can be considered fat

 

And what are overweight men considered then? I assume (or hope) you are joking about your last satement.

[Green]

Yeah I was joking but Fat women are so much more uncomfortable to take in visualy. I mean look at the show Rossanne They were both fat but she was alot more visible.

[worriedsick]

Yeah I was joking but Fat women are so much more uncomfortable to take in visualy. I mean look at the show Rossanne They were both fat but she was alot more visible.

 

I disagree. I think it's equally visible when someone is fat, regardless of their sex. However, I think somehow society has made it more acceptable for a man to be overweight than for a woman and people may to a certain point overlook a man's obesity, when really it's unattractive for both sexes.

[Love_and_Respect]

I disagree. I think it's equally visible when someone is fat, regardless of their sex. However, I think somehow society has made it more acceptable for a man to be overweight than for a woman and people may to a certain point overlook a man's obesity, when really it's unattractive for both sexes.

 

I agree, obesity is unattractive for both sexes. My point was, however: why would any woman who's desighed to look and feel elegant, attractive, and feminine (something not necessarily required of men) would wish to look the opposite. Especially if it's also so important to their H.

[a4a]

Especially if it's also so important to their H.

 

 

Maybe it is not important to the overweight spouse? People do not all live to please their partners they want the R but do not feel the need to make the other partner happy.

[Romeo Must Die]

I am 5.8 and lean 110lbs. I have the body of a teenager. My husband is 200+ and not once have I ever stopped loving him because of his weight. I dont look at him in that way. I love every ounce of him. He scoffs at this though, and he selfishly accuses me of making him fat so other women wont want him. Heheheh. Shhh! I'll never tell!

 

Whats good for the gander, however, is not so good for the goose, because the goose would say he loves skinny girls and I think he would have a huge problem with me if I were to become fat overnight. He gets upset if I change my haircolor. He would go mental if I gained 200 pounds.

[carmaenforcer]

People do not all live to please their partners they want the R but do not feel the need to make the other partner happy.

 

This is very true a4a, then they complain when the unhappy partner stops doing for them as if they are the neglected one. I live and breath, I live and breath...

[typhonblue]

Yeah I was joking but Fat women are so much more uncomfortable to take in visualy. I mean look at the show Rossanne They were both fat but she was alot more visible.

 

Are you a guy?

 

Because, as a woman, I can say definitively that fat men are uglier then fat women.

 

It's just a fact.

[LVspecB]

I am 5.8 and lean 110lbs. I have the body of a teenager. My husband is 200+ and not once have I ever stopped loving him because of his weight. I dont look at him in that way. I love every ounce of him. He scoffs at this though, and he selfishly accuses me of making him fat so other women wont want him. Heheheh. Shhh! I'll never tell!

 

Whats good for the gander, however, is not so good for the goose, because the goose would say he loves skinny girls and I think he would have a huge problem with me if I were to become fat overnight. He gets upset if I change my haircolor. He would go mental if I gained 200 pounds.

Since your post is titled "Beauty is only skin deep", how do you feel about your husband's attitude?

 

LVspecB

[worriedsick]

I am 5.8 and lean 110lbs. I have the body of a teenager. My husband is 200+ and not once have I ever stopped loving him because of his weight. I dont look at him in that way. I love every ounce of him. He scoffs at this though, and he selfishly accuses me of making him fat so other women wont want him. Heheheh. Shhh! I'll never tell!

 

Whats good for the gander, however, is not so good for the goose, because the goose would say he loves skinny girls and I think he would have a huge problem with me if I were to become fat overnight. He gets upset if I change my haircolor. He would go mental if I gained 200 pounds.

 

It's really great that you are not affected by his obesity. Unfortunately, we're not all like that. Was he overweight when you met, or did it happen later in the relationship? Also, do you think your husband would be wrong to "go mental" if you gained 200 lbs, since you weighed only around 100 when you met? I think the issue here is that if you marry someone who is skinny, there is an expectation that they will stay within a reasonable range of what they weighed from the beginning, not that they'll let themselves go. Likewise, if you marry someone who is overweight, you should not be surprised if they stay that way their entire lives, and don't really have a "right" to expect them to get skinny.

[Romeo Must Die]

Beauty is only skin deep

 

It's true that a double standard exists in my marriage, but that is pretty common in most marriages.

 

No, we wouldn't agree on this issue, but I would still love him unconditionally. Its what makes me the kind of person I am inside. I am beautiful.

 

There is a distinction to be made between a double standard and being a hypocrite, which implies a presumed acceptance of a single standard. If a man believes it is his right to have an affair, but his wife does not have that same right, he holds a double standard. A man who condemns affairs while maintaining a relationship outside the marriage is a hypocrite.

[burning 4 revenge]

Are you a guy?

 

Because, as a woman, I can say definitively that fat men are uglier then fat women.

 

It's just a fact.

So what. Bald women are uglier than bald men.

 

It's just a fact