Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[Romeo Must Die]

PS I am not saying that your desire for your spouse to be attractive is wrong. I am just enjoying my time with my husband. I'm used to his body weight. I'm comforted by his familiarity. In the middle of the night it's really nice to feel his big bear arms around me.

[burning 4 revenge]

You live in Wisconsin. Good luck finding anybody that's not fat up there.

[Romeo Must Die]

I bet you're not even from florida at all, who do you think youre fooling you *freaking illinois bastard*

 

LOL, just kidding

[typhonblue]

So what. Bald women are uglier than bald men.

 

It's just a fact

 

Short men are uglier then short women.

 

It's just a fact.

[ForeplayRx]

I exp the same with an ex-hubby and I'm the one who had the two kids. He's gone from 1X when we met to a 6 or 7x. I've gone from 7 (normal size) to 12 (afterchild) to a 4 (been this size for 5 years now). I never criticized, I tried the healthy speech route but there's just no motivation for him to get it together. He's getting married next weekend madn still not seeing that he needs to lose. I'm highly sexual and attractive but the overweight thing infringed on my ability to be who I am with him.. it makes a difference. Couples should try to take care of themselves, for them and their partner. If you don't want your spouse looking in another direction... you have to make an effort - besides, it does make for a healthier sex life.

 

Stephanie from double u, double u, double u dot foreplayrx dot com.

[honeybunch2k5]

I disagree. I think it's equally visible when someone is fat, regardless of their sex. However, I think somehow society has made it more acceptable for a man to be overweight than for a woman and people may to a certain point overlook a man's obesity, when really it's unattractive for both sexes.

 

ITA. In fact, generally, some fat women look better than any fat guy depending on how it's distrubuted. Fat guys just get beer bellies. Not cute.

[Guest]

LVspecB

 

I am a wife who has recently "finally" gotten a truthful confession from my spouse of 9 years. I wanted to say and do the things your wife is doing. I know it's destructive behavior, and so I choose to ... let it be for now… I know I cant force him to have a physical relationship… so if I’m going to be a responsible party in this too, I cant act like a big baby/spoiled brat pitching a fit because somebody hurt my feelings…that being said: My spouse is a wonderful man; I know without doubt that he loves me and that his biggest concern is my health. But like him, I think you underestimate the pain of having someone you love and have shared so much life with, say such a thing to you, even if it's said with the most genuine of love and kindest of words.

 

You said that your wife’s problems are not medical related. Mine are, and he’s being very supportive about gastric-bypass. Even teasing me about getting a tummy tuck when I’ve lost my weight and putting me on his boat in a bikini. Thing is; I am not sure how I feel about the fact that he knows I’ve tried many many many times to loose weight with little or no success. I want him to want me now because he loves me but he doesn’t and you can never understand the pain that goes with that realization. How am I supposed to forget that , if I am successful with surgery? I’ve read your posting on your wife’s comment about if the weight was lost, sex will never be an option… again she and I disagree on reaction, I am sure she’s reacting to pain in her heart.

 

Your looking for a way (an answer) on how to handle your dilemma… from a woman who’s been told what your wife has heard… be gentle and patient, encouraging and do your part to make an effort. You’ve been married twice the length of time I have, I guess telling you that communication is key is a mute point, nevertheless don’t stop communicating honestly and gently how you feel.

 

Now what do I do about wondering if I’ll resent him if I loose the weight and magically he wants me again?

[LVspecB]

Now what do I do about wondering if I’ll resent him if I loose the weight and magically he wants me again?

 

Funny to hear you say this, because when my wife told me "first I'm going to divorce you, and THEN I'm going to lose the weight", it was obvious that she felt the same way.

 

Much as I'd like to in this regard, I really can't control what my wife does. You'd think that living with two teenagers would pound home that lesson. I feel like I've said something that needed to be said, namely that her actions in this instance have (in my opinion) affected her health and our marriage. Now time to move on. Her "size" is just one part of her, so I'm going to focus on other things...

 

LVspecB

[Mary3]

Your wife is copping out with the denial of sex !

 

She has gotten herself quite obese ( not just a couple of love pounds ) and you find her unattractive in the bedroom. ( and rightly so ) I will stand apart and say " You have absolute RIGHT to expect her to get help for her obesity. You have absolute RIGHT to not play into her " okay you were mean to me and so now NO SEX :

 

Tell her you don't want sex from Shamu the Whale " That sounds dreadfully mean but what is deplorable is that she has shut you off , remained fat and expects you to love the mountains of flesh.

 

I think NOT !

 

Marraige is not a license to let your self go into whale territory.

 

Some will disagree. My bf's all gained 30 pounds but thats not a real problem. But if they gained 130 lbs thats a problem.

 

I know some will say : Love them for who they are but its hard to get stimulated when you are lifting layers of fat.

 

I always give it to you honest guys.

 

He deserves an attractive average wife not a bloated whale. Kick me for that one but I stand by that he tries to get her help . If she wont get it she needs to join the BBW dating site after you are gone.

[LVspecB]

Your wife is copping out with the denial of sex !

 

She has gotten herself quite obese ( not just a couple of love pounds ) and you find her unattractive in the bedroom. ( and rightly so ) I will stand apart and say " You have absolute RIGHT to expect her to get help for her obesity. You have absolute RIGHT to not play into her " okay you were mean to me and so now NO SEX :

 

Tell her you don't want sex from Shamu the Whale " That sounds dreadfully mean but what is deplorable is that she has shut you off , remained fat and expects you to love the mountains of flesh.

 

I think NOT !

 

Marraige is not a license to let your self go into whale territory.

 

Some will disagree. My bf's all gained 30 pounds but thats not a real problem. But if they gained 130 lbs thats a problem.

 

I know some will say : Love them for who they are but its hard to get stimulated when you are lifting layers of fat.

 

I always give it to you honest guys.

 

He deserves an attractive average wife not a bloated whale. Kick me for that one but I stand by that he tries to get her help . If she wont get it she needs to join the BBW dating site after you are gone.

You make some good points, Mary, but the question is simply where do I go from here? Choices are:

 

1). Stay married but cheat for sexual gratification. NO - won't do that, can't do that.

 

2). Get divorced, start my life over. NO - won't put my kids, wife and self through that process.

 

3). Deal with things as best I can. Pretty much the choice I have left.

 

I have the additional "complication" as follows - I love my wife. She's been my partner most of my adult life and I'm going to try and appreciate her more for the many good things she does. So, to sum it up, am I glad she and I finally had this discussion about her weight and our marriage - yes. Do I wish things were different in that regard - yes. Do I feel that she is wrong for "punishing" me for bringing it up - yes. Am I going to destroy everything we have built over this - no. Going to try hard to work though this. I thank all here for their comments and feedback.

 

LVspecB

[Mary3]

You make some good points, Mary, but the question is simply where do I go from here? Choices are:

 

1). Stay married but cheat for sexual gratification. NO - won't do that, can't do that.

 

2). Get divorced, start my life over. NO - won't put my kids, wife and self through that process.

 

3). Deal with things as best I can. Pretty much the choice I have left.

 

I have the additional "complication" as follows - I love my wife. She's been my partner most of my adult life and I'm going to try and appreciate her more for the many good things she does. So, to sum it up, am I glad she and I finally had this discussion about her weight and our marriage - yes. Do I wish things were different in that regard - yes. Do I feel that she is wrong for "punishing" me for bringing it up - yes. Am I going to destroy everything we have built over this - no. Going to try hard to work though this. I thank all here for their comments and feedback.

 

LVspecB

 

Women who use sex as a weapon or a * tool * to manipulate things to their liking do not deserve to be married . Period.

 

Sure you can continue to love her and overlook the fat farm and try to get stimulted or you can find someone who takes care of herself and appreciates you and respects her body enough to get some serious help.

 

If you allow this to continue she is going to get bigger and you might just get tired of it and stray into unknown territory with another woman. Not condoning affairs but when left to desperate measures from a woman you no longer find attractive it can be a feasible outcome.

[Guest]

Not proud of it but this is my 3rd marriage and I am very happy.

 

My first husband started packing on the pounds after only 3 mos of marriage. By our first year anniversary he was twice his size. I was so turned off I didn't know what to do. I stopped being interested in sex with him and he had an affair on me. He left me for her.

 

My second husband started packing on the pounds after 6 mos of marriage. He also was a different person by our first year anniversary. I was turned off by that and the daily abuse from him. I left that marriage on my own.

 

My present hubby is very conscious about his weight but he is like me, we both can eat a great deal and not gain a pound. I don't think it is fair to let yourself go just because you got married. It is selfish and neglectful.

[Guest]

My hubby has been overweight for years. He started putting on the weight after we got married. After I had my first child we were gonna "lose the weight together". I lost all the weight and he lost none. I had 2 more babies and took the weight off after both of them too. He still lost nothing and showed little interest to. It hurt me. Sex was a huge problem. I lost interest. It actually grossed me out.

Now I have found out he's been cheating on me on and off over the years. He would rather have sex with fat nasty whores than lose weight and be with the woman he "says" he loves and is beautiful to him. I have never cheated. I have been alone and sad all this time and now I found out he has cheated rather than try lose the weight and make himself more appealing to me. I'm so devastated and if we didn't have children I would just walk out.