Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[Pink Amulet]

Honeybunch- Thank goodness for you. I was alluding to this in my post. Being overweight is dangerous and generally unpleasant. Her health should come first.

[LVspecB]

Honeybunch- Thank goodness for you. I was alluding to this in my post. Being overweight is dangerous and generally unpleasant. Her health should come first.

Unfortuately, she interprets any "healthy" talk as code for "lose weight". She understands the need, just has never found the motivation...

We are on an enforced break right now as she left on a planned vacation; I'll be joining her in a week. Hopefully absence will make the heart grow slightly fonder (or more forgiving). If past history is an indicator, we'll have a "clear the air" talk, during which I'll need to choose my words very, very carefully.

 

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[slimjim]

hahahahahahahahaahah----hahahahahahha remember me? i brought up this fat subject a couple years ago and was attacked from everywhere for bringing up the obvious. --about how many women marry and then get fat. its seen as a betrayal by men (oh, but we cant saythat can we?) , and women call it shallow because its not PC to think that weight on either spouse can be detrimental to a relationship. my opinion is that its one of the greatest detriments to a relationship, and isnt dared talked about for the very reasons you see here in this post.

 

but this is just another example of the same. fatty has ZERO discipline--it cant be her fault--its yours for telling her the obvious truth. she couldnt see it for herself??? does she ever look inthe mirror, or does she think all of your mirrors come from the Barnumm and Bailey house of goofy mirrors?

 

its obvious that she is not going to do anything about this--if she was, she wouldnt have gotten like this in the first place. you have to make a decision to live like this or not--but i wouldnt get my hopes up for any kind of change in her. like you say--no self discipline and substitutes reality with her own version. good luck, and you did the correct thing for telling her the obvious. women always want the truth, but usually can't handle it--especially when it deals with their own vanity.

[stoopid_guy]

hahahahahahahahaahah----hahahahahahha remember me? i brought up this fat subject a couple years ago and was attacked from everywhere for bringing up the obvious. --about how many women marry and then get fat. its seen as a betrayal by men (oh, but we cant saythat can we?) , and women call it shallow because its not PC to think that weight on either spouse can be detrimental to a relationship. my opinion is that its one of the greatest detriments to a relationship, and isnt dared talked about for the very reasons you see here in this post.

 

I doubt "weight-gaining spouse" is one of the greatest or most common problems. I'd bet it falls behind money/budget or sex/affection.

 

The bigger problem here is communications, one spouse makes a request or constructive criticism and the other responds with a "you don't love me" guilt trip.

[Guest]

ok, here we go!! I am the same person your wife is. you men need to relize that we are human and we feel and hurt just like you. let me ask you!! do you look the same as you did 20 years ago. is your but still tight and is the abs still tight and do you your arms still look the same? do you still have hair? now just want to make a point there are some men out there as well as women that will always and never have a problem with weight. they burn the fat before it hits there body. let me ask you, do you have children? how old was you when you married? I was 14 when meet my husband and I meet and turned 15 two mths later then three years later we married. right after high school and my husband is just like you. I weigh about 150 ponds maybe 155 and the most of it is in the top area. you see you are not supposed to love with your eyes!!! you guys dont get it!!! if you love this person try loving them for who they are not what ou see. when you are old and grey and you have no one beside you because you have tore them down and then they finaly get enough they leave and you are all alone then what? I will tell you, you will relize what you had and then you wil wish you still had it!! rember when she married you it was for better or worse and just to let you know I was a kid when I married and I grew into my woman body!! I am not 15 anymore and nor will I ever be. are you slim? you still dont look they way you did 20 years ago. try loving your wife cause your love just like my husban is superficial and when you have said this you have opened a bad can of worms. and some of you say that we should want to look good for our husbands but let me tell you this! when I work 40 my day starts by getting the kids ready not the dad me, getting them ready for school taking them to school going to work work all day leave work to go get the kids go back to work then go home and clean house and then fix dinner not including soccer that you have to get to by 5:45 and then karate the next night and then you come walking in the door(husband) and instead of how are you or just the arms wrapped around you and telling you just how much you love us or just a simple kiss it is whats for dinner.....then you take your happy but plot it on the couch and watch tv till it is time for bed. we not only take care of the house,kids,you, and everything else but we also have to have a bashing from husbands like you. maybe if you loved her like a husband should she would feel like making herself up and maybe if you loved her liked she was supposed to be then this would not even be an issue.GOD says love your wife as I love the church and that my friend is UNCONDITIONAL!!! God loves us all fat thin small or large. UNCONDITIONAL!!! yes you hurt her feelings and it will be hard for her to have sex again because here all this time she truly thinks man my husband really loves me when all it boils down to was a front!!!!!!! I tell you THANKS GUNNY!!!!! I am taking the advise you gave and every one else cause life is too short and I am going to make sure when I leave him I am throwing a party. just to let you know as well I have been married 18 years and it was my only one and my husband has been married once before so that has to say something. Mr. I hope you wise up!!!! cause your whole life is about to walk out the door.

[LVspecB]

ok, here we go!! I am the same person your wife is. you men need to relize that we are human and we feel and hurt just like you. let me ask you!! do you look the same as you did 20 years ago. is your but still tight and is the abs still tight and do you your arms still look the same? do you still have hair?

Since this seems to be directed to me, I'll try to respond. I don"t (at age 50) look like a 18-year old model (but then I didn't 20 years ago) and don't expect that my spouse should either. I do weigh the same as when we got married (5'11", 170 lbs), try to stay in reasonably good shape and take care of my health. The problem I have with your theory of "unconditional love" is that it relieves both parrtners of any committment to any important part of the marriage. Can't hold a job or provide for my family? She should love me the way I am. Drug or alcohol addiction? She should see past that and love the "real me". Can't be faithful? She should...well, you get the picture.

 

Any behavior taken to excess takes a toll on the relationship, and men are certainly guilty of this too. And in this case, the toll has been on the sexual part of our marriage. Like I said before, if that makes me shallow, guilty as charged.

 

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[StayClose]

Those of you suggesting a talk about "health" or invitations for our overweight wives to workout with us need to understand that for some women, weight is a very sensitive subject, and any talk about health, exercise, suggestions that she not eat what she's eating, etc, may received just as if we said "You fat cow!" to her face.

 

One of the things I've learned is that the only time my wife & I discuss her weight issues is when she herself brings up the subject. Fortunately, she's making serious efferts at weight loss right now, so we are communicating on the subject. But there have been other times this has been an off-limits subject, unless I want to be yelled at and watch her leave the room, slamming the door behind her.

[LVspecB]

One of the things I've learned is that the only time my wife & I discuss her weight issues is when she herself brings up the subject.

 

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

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[Love_and_Respect]

Since this seems to be directed to me, I'll try to respond. I don"t (at age 50) look like a 18-year old model (but then I didn't 20 years ago) and don't expect that my spouse should either. I do weigh the same as when we got married (5'11", 170 lbs), try to stay in reasonably good shape and take care of my health. The problem I have with your theory of "unconditional love" is that it relieves both parrtners of any committment to any important part of the marriage. Can't hold a job or provide for my family? She should love me the way I am. Drug or alcohol addiction? She should see past that and love the "real me". Can't be faithful? She should...well, you get the picture.

 

Any behavior taken to excess takes a toll on the relationship, and men are certainly guilty of this too. And in this case, the toll has been on the sexual part of our marriage. Like I said before, if that makes me shallow, guilty as charged.

 

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I'm a woman, and completely understand your concern for your wife's weight problem. IMO, it all boils down to one very important thing - RESPECT for your husband. It amazes me how many married ladies just don't get it. Men are visual, asnd that's how they are simply "wired" as men. And yes when it comes down to sexual relationship, you guys like to LOOK and that's what helps you to really enjoy and appreciate the act. All you really asked from your wife is to be that woman you can trully enjoy as such. Is this too much to ask? I don't think so. She can either choose to respect your desire or not. And that's the bottom-line.

Your wife without doubt is acting bitter, and being disrespectful towards you and your need... Besides (and that's what her REAL problem is), she lacks some basic understanding of what truly makes her husband a man. Until she figures out that you are a GUY first, she'll be wondering in circles with no end making both of you miserable.

[stoopid_guy]

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

LVspecB

It would definately depend on the lady and the circumstances. My wife was about 50 lbs heavier after our daughter was born than when we concieved (more to cuddle) but I knew her vanity would have it off soon enough, and it did. I'd have been an idiot to say anything.

 

If she just gained 50+ pounds for no reason, it would be different. Yes, I'd say something, just like I would if she started getting drunk every night, or stopped bathing, or took up juggling chain saws for a hobby.

 

I know women and weight is a sensitive topic, but a hundred pounds is more than just "middle-aged spread." That's unhealthy, and it gets in the way of life.

[slimjim]

stoopid guy, i'd be willing to bet that the weight deal is a much bigger thing than many realize. yu say its about communication, which it is and which EXACTLY proves my point. this is the unspoken. taboo catylyst behind many breakups, and the SO sees it as a sort of betrayal to the relationship, a lack of respect, especially when one SO is fit and the other lets themselves go. How do you communicate on something that cuts so deeply into a womans vanity? it goes both ways---women hate men with beer guts etc. you said your wife's 50 lbs would have bothered you if it had stayed on--you are lucky.

 

and i am not talking about mid age spreads, getting wrinkles--....the issue here is a 100 lbs!!!!! waking up with 2.5 of the woman you married, and you cant dare say anything or you may as well just serve up your nuts right now on a platter. if you like fat people, well and good. but how many times have you seen a couple, she puts on weight, they get divorced, and then she drops weight off like sweat off a water buffalo's back to begin dating again? think she ever wondered that if she did that to begin with the husband wouldnt have gone after the aerobics instructor, which she looked like 4 years earlier????? (just one example i know of recently).

 

couples can argue about money, etc. but the weight issue is a silent cancer that you cant directly go at because of the PC issues. it degenerates into other areas of relationship disintegration. and you hear all the excuses that women have , as spouted by GUEST. the same stuff-- i have babies, i dont have time to work out, messing with kids all day, running all over town, yada yada yada ad naeuseum. with all this work, you wonder when they have time to fill that pie hole, but they make time for that. its nothing more than a discipline issue. and her other examples are off point---we are not talking about getting old and broken, like everyone will do. we are talking about the 110 lb woman you married now wearing a 100lb fat knapsack on her back!!!!!! and also, all the pressure YOU WOMEN are under is caused by YOU WOMEN---i dont think men write cosmo and some of these other rags that push the latest diets. so dont look this way on the pressure deal.

[Guest]

Ladies! We know we would be angry if our husbands gained 50+ lbs for no reason! So, why do we think it's okay to pile on the pounds? I know if i were married, and my man gained a ridiculous amount of weight I'd take his butt to the gym or the park or the YMCA! (Does that make me shallow?)

 

It's more about taking care of yourself than trying to please someone. I guess some women think that the way you look is the only unpleasant thing about being overweight...

 

I think I'm with spec!

[StayClose]

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

LVspecB

 

I don't think I would do that. She does bring up the subject frequently, so we do discuss it. She has to be the one to bring up the topic though.

 

But some things that deserve discussion don't get discussed. For example, there's the exercise bike I bought at a rotary auction for her in June. She's ridden it exactly twice. Our agreement was that if she rides it and tells me, I am to congradulate her, but I can never ask about it. Last night she was complaining that she's not losing weight on her current diet as quickly as she hoped. I thought of suggesting that she the exericse bike, but that would hurt her feelings so I'm not allowed to say that.

[theantibarbie23]

I'm glad I've never really been thin because I honestly wouldn't want to have to obsess over if I am thin or not enough for my husband to find me attractive every time I gained a pound. That would make me insane. It's important for a person to find out what's important to the person they are seeing before the relationship becomes serious. Then people could potentially avoid these types of issues. Everytime I read these threads it makes me appricate my SO that much more, as I know he loves me for me. I think I'm going to go give him a hug.

[Guest]

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

LVspecB

 

I gained 100 lbs over the course of 3 years. I felt awful. My joints hurt so bad I couldn't hardly use the stairs. My hair even started falling out.The doctor just kept telling me that I was depressed and I was gaining weight because lack of self control. I thought I was crazy. Turns out I have severe thyroid and adreanal gland problems and now on medication. I feel 100% better but that weight is not falling off as I hoped it would. It feels good to know I wasn't going crazy and there really was an underlying issue even if the doctors and DH didn't believe me.

Our sex life was down to zero and still is.

 

The reason he says is his self esteem because of his weight gain. Yeah, right. I am not an idiot and neither is she. She knew what you thought before you said it. Saying it just let her shift the blame to your "insensitivity" and not to her issues. You just confirmed the script she had floating in her head.

 

Ignoring it won't make it go away. She will be pissed but you need to tell it like it is in a relatively gentle manner and then ride out the storm. She isn't happy, you aren't happy, how is ignoring it doing anyone any good?

I would recommend that you let her know that you aren't attending the pity party and that when she wants your support you will be there but otherwise you are going about your life.

 

Women hate the truth when it doesn't make them look their best. We suck as a gender in that area. She is not the boss here and I don't think you should have to suffer for her internal dialog. Take her away from the house and kids to a neutral setting where she can't get up and walk away from the conversation. ( Park in the country at a park or rest area). Force her to face it and move forward or it will go from locked bathrooms to giant walls that can never be torn down.

[Guest]

Ladies! We know we would be angry if our husbands gained 50+ lbs for no reason! So, why do we think it's okay to pile on the pounds? I know if i were married, and my man gained a ridiculous amount of weight I'd take his butt to the gym or the park or the YMCA! (Does that make me shallow?)

 

It's more about taking care of yourself than trying to please someone. I guess some women think that the way you look is the only unpleasant thing about being overweight...

 

I think I'm with spec!

 

You are wrong! My DH is 60 lbs heavier than when we met 10 years ago and I don't care about how it makes him look aesthetically. IT is never ok to let yourself go but I do not equate love with sexual attrctiveness. Stop looking at what they are eating and start looking at what is eating them. Happy people do not let themselves fall apart

[Brattyone]

Just so I understand, you would stand by mute, silent and without comment, as you wife gained (in my case) 100+ lbs? And you wouldn't say a word...

 

LVspecB

 

I wish I could give you the woman manual we are given at birth but then I would have to kill you so.....

 

She knew what you thought before you even opened your mouth. The only thing you did was to allow her to shift the blame and shame from herself to you.

Women are manipulative creatures. I know because I am one. I try and be fair but I catch myself pulling "women crap" sometimes.

Now she doesn't have to do a thing. She can be mad, continue to gain weight and it will be YOUR fault because you pressured her.

I am going to have to agree with some of the guys on here. You need to spill out the facts to her. Tell her you love and support her but you will not silently watch her destroy her health and your marriage.

This is the part that will piss some women off. Marriage is NOT about one person's needs. IT is a partnership and your partner does have a right to have expectations. I expect my DH to keep a job and support us financially and emotionally. He has a right to expect me to maintain a nice home, take care of the household management and have clean undies in his drawer. What the hell is wrong about that?

Men were not put on this earth to serve us no more than we are put on this earth to serve them.

Marriage is give and take. We negotiate our needs, not demand them. If I married an employed man with a great sense of humor I would expect I would be completely pissed off if I came home one day to an angry unemployed slob. Why shouldn't a man expect a woman who elicits sexual excitment. SEX is important to men. PEriod.

That being said, I think you can talk with your wife in a respectful manner about the issues and then leave the ball in her court to do something about it. Make sure you value her as a person apart from sex. Compliment things that aren't related to appearance like cooking, or parenting, etc..

We fall for that crap fairly easily.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

Since this seems to be directed to me, I'll try to respond. I don"t (at age 50) look like a 18-year old model (but then I didn't 20 years ago) and don't expect that my spouse should either. I do weigh the same as when we got married (5'11", 170 lbs), try to stay in reasonably good shape and take care of my health. The problem I have with your theory of "unconditional love" is that it relieves both parrtners of any committment to any important part of the marriage. Can't hold a job or provide for my family? She should love me the way I am. Drug or alcohol addiction? She should see past that and love the "real me". Can't be faithful? She should...well, you get the picture.

 

Any behavior taken to excess takes a toll on the relationship, and men are certainly guilty of this too. And in this case, the toll has been on the sexual part of our marriage. Like I said before, if that makes me shallow, guilty as charged.

 

LVspecB

 

You hit the nail on the head. you are supposed to love unconditional!! just as you said, if she had a drug addiction,alcohol,job losses etc. you dont treat someone like a cold cut. and yes I think that you were in the wrong and if you do stay fit that is good for you and I bet that if you gained however many pounds it would not matter to her because she probley loves you no matter what. I would think if she is like me, which there is always two sides to every marrage that she took you for better or for worse. I am not saying by no means that she has every right to become heavy, however, this was and maybe a problem because she is not happy in the marrage. did you ever think of that?

 

maybe you changed into someone that when you were first marraied to the I love you and hugs and kisses and so and so forth to sometimes then never. maybe you doing things and how you do them made her feel like she was not a wife but a person you live with and the weight started. a marriage is when you are souly connected!!! alot of people take it as a grain of salt these days not a comment of the love for the person deeply from the heart. maybe I am old school and I often told my family(mother)that I was born in the wrong error and not in the correct one. with women we think nothing the less how you will be in 50 years we look at it as I am with you to grow old and to see our granchildren playing on the floor in front of us and to see our children prosper into an adult that is a productive person to be kind and love each and every person.

 

we dont look at it as if he gains so many pounds that we wont love you the same. instead of worring of her size cause you are not seeing sexy why not see it for what it is. you are shallow well at least being shallow and you have hurt her feelings and yes once said what you did when and if you do have sex she will be so scared you are looking at her with discused instead of the I love you no matter what. if you were haveing the problem thne instead of telling her she is fat you sould have said before now honey lets go to the park for a walk together or something in a romatic way and just think you could have been rekindlen you love and she could have been getting the excersize she needed.!

 

if the weight issue was such a factor you should have (seeing you are so fit and still look the way you did when you married her )(in which I feel like that is not really the truth)with you being fifty which is not old at all but I am 32 and you sag weather you think you do or not due to the ageing process you would up and leave????? or if you lost your job???????? or if she gained weight????? the first sign of trouble in your statement you are ready to say well she has a drug addiction I wont take it and leave or she is fat and so I dont find her sexy so therefore I dont want to have sex with her you know marrage is a 100%/100% kinda thing not a 50/50 good for you to stay fit but I will tell you this that I bet there are some tings about yourself that your wife is not aroused by or likes.

 

she could feel the very same way but she loves you enough here is where the word unconditional comes back in that she does not even give it a second thought. instead saying that you are not attrected to her the size she is, (and if you really look at the hole marrage thing,like for exzample you see married couples on the street you can bet that they do not husband or wife look like they did when they first married!!!!if you want a supermodel wife then you should have never married and should have just dated the skinny girls as you call it and let her out of it. I bet there is more tho the story on why she is overweight and it is not all about you!!

 

I really dont mean to be harsh but comming from a marrage that I have been in for 18 years and having the emotional abuse comming from the one you so loved and trusted and from the one you felt would never hurt you to a betral.!! If I can suggest to you to look back at your marrage and see if there were issues you caused and addresed with neg. feedback to bring her down. I kow this for a fact.

[LVspecB]

I wish I could give you the woman manual we are given at birth but then I would have to kill you so.....

 

She knew what you thought before you even opened your mouth. The only thing you did was to allow her to shift the blame and shame from herself to you.

Women are manipulative creatures. I know because I am one. I try and be fair but I catch myself pulling "women crap" sometimes.

Now she doesn't have to do a thing. She can be mad, continue to gain weight and it will be YOUR fault because you pressured her.

I am going to have to agree with some of the guys on here. You need to spill out the facts to her. Tell her you love and support her but you will not silently watch her destroy her health and your marriage.

This is the part that will piss some women off. Marriage is NOT about one person's needs. IT is a partnership and your partner does have a right to have expectations. I expect my DH to keep a job and support us financially and emotionally. He has a right to expect me to maintain a nice home, take care of the household management and have clean undies in his drawer. What the hell is wrong about that?

Men were not put on this earth to serve us no more than we are put on this earth to serve them.

Marriage is give and take. We negotiate our needs, not demand them. If I married an employed man with a great sense of humor I would expect I would be completely pissed off if I came home one day to an angry unemployed slob. Why shouldn't a man expect a woman who elicits sexual excitment. SEX is important to men. PEriod.

That being said, I think you can talk with your wife in a respectful manner about the issues and then leave the ball in her court to do something about it. Make sure you value her as a person apart from sex. Compliment things that aren't related to appearance like cooking, or parenting, etc..

We fall for that crap fairly easily.

 

Good luck!

Wow! Well put, much substance there. Lots to think about...

 

LVspecB

[LVspecB]

I'm glad I've never really been thin because I honestly wouldn't want to have to obsess over if I am thin or not enough for my husband to find me attractive every time I gained a pound. That would make me insane. It's important for a person to find out what's important to the person they are seeing before the relationship becomes serious. Then people could potentially avoid these types of issues. Everytime I read these threads it makes me appricate my SO that much more, as I know he loves me for me. I think I'm going to go give him a hug.

Not even close to my situation. Quick story:

 

I have a friend whose wife just had their 2nd child. Talking one day, he told me "My wife just can't lose that last 10 lbs. I going to really stay on her until she gets back to her original weight" My first thought? What an ass! It sounds like she is trying hard - give her some time to work it out on her own.

 

I've watched my wife gain weight during the entire course of our marriage, now over 100 lbs. It has only changed the way I see her in one regard - and that's in the bedroom. I have not cheated (or contemplated it), retaliated or used it to rationalize some excessive behavior on my part. She is still a great Mom, friend, confidant and partner. I haven't issued any ultimatums, threats or demands

 

It has simply diminished (greatly now) the physical attraction I feel for her...

 

LVspecB

[worriedsick]

 

Is it wrong that I look at her weight gain as a form of betrayal? It's not occurring in a vacuum but within the context of our relationship. If I went overboard in some aspect of my life - since we live in Las Vegas, let's say gambling - would she look at our marriage the same if I gambled away half my paycheck every month? I could say that her focus on that problem was "shallow", she should just love the "real me". Don't think it would fly.

 

 

LVspecB

 

I absolutely agree with you. I too have had issues with my spouse packing on the pounds and doing nothing about it. I tried to be supportive, I changed out diet, he has a gym membership, etc., and nothing is working. After we stopped having sex he asked me over and over what was wrong, and after a while I got tired of lying and making up excuses. I straight out told him that I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore, and that his attitude that it was okay for him to get fat, but expect me to stay thin, was a real turnoff as well. I knew I had hurt his feelings, but at least he knew what the problem was. I started a post about it here, and I too was called shallow, but that's okay. I think you feel that same way I do - you still love your spouse, but the fact that they don't care how their decisions affect you, it is sort of a betrayal. I'm sorry I don't really have anything to offer you in forms of advise - I just thought you might like to know that not everyone sees you as the bad guy. Hope everything works out!

[LVspecB]

I absolutely agree with you. I too have had issues with my spouse packing on the pounds and doing nothing about it. I tried to be supportive, I changed out diet, he has a gym membership, etc., and nothing is working. After we stopped having sex he asked me over and over what was wrong, and after a while I got tired of lying and making up excuses. I straight out told him that I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore, and that his attitude that it was okay for him to get fat, but expect me to stay thin, was a real turnoff as well. I knew I had hurt his feelings, but at least he knew what the problem was. I started a post about it here, and I too was called shallow, but that's okay. I think you feel that same way I do - you still love your spouse, but the fact that they don't care how their decisions affect you, it is sort of a betrayal. I'm sorry I don't really have anything to offer you in forms of advise - I just thought you might like to know that not everyone sees you as the bad guy. Hope everything works out!

Thank you. Have you made any progress with your spouse since you told him how you feel?

 

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[worriedsick]

Thank you. Have you made any progress with your spouse since you told him how you feel?

 

LVspecB

 

Unfortunately, not really. I can't remember the last time he went to the gym! We still don't have sex like we used to before he chunked up, and he realizes it's because he looks gross to me. Sometimes he'll catch me in a really bad mood, and the sight of him eating makes me want to vomit. The other day he had a piece of cake, which is cool, but then about half an hour later, he went back and had another piece. About an hour later, I heard him rustling around in the kitchen and thought he was getting more cake. I flat out asked him if he was eating ANOTHER piece of cake, and he got pissed and said no. He was getting something else instead. He then made jokes about how fat his ass was, I think expecting me to say "No, honey, you're not fat". I have stopped being nice about it - when he mentions his fat, I simply agree with him. I know, it sounds really harsh, but after being told that he has no intentions of getting back in shape even though he knows I'm unhappy with how he has let himself get, I don't feel required to be nice about the subject anymore.

 

As for your wife, she did pull a dirty trick. She knew, just like my husband did, that she had gotten fat and that it was likely affecting you. She was simply looking for you to verbalize it so that instead of blaming herself for being fat, she can focus the attention on what an "ass" you are now for simply stating the obvious. You really aren't required to feel sorry for stating your opinion, if you ask me. And as for sex, you aren't required to have sex with her if you don't want (but by no means am I saying you should cheat, cuz that's awful). If she decides she wants to stay fat and gross, you have two choices:

1) Stay with her and deal with no sex or having to "grin and bear it" when you do have sex, or;

2) Leave her, not because of her appearance so much, but because of her lack of concern for your feelings.

 

I am myself just "grinning and bearing it" at this moment, because in other aspects, my marriage is pretty good. Fortunately, I don't really need him to be there to be sexually satisfied anyway, so I don't depend on him for it. He knows as well not to count on me to sexually satisfy him because I no longer feel obligated to it, and he only gets it when I feel like it, and I believe he is aware that this pattern will continue until he gets his butt back in shape.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm just giving you the ugly truth of how it is in my relationship.

[LVspecB]

Yeah, that does sound bleak. I won't leave my marriage, too much invested in every sense of the word - family, children, emotions, finances, perceptions, etc.

 

So the (possibly insurmountable) challenge becomes repairing things with my wife (as I said before, I am sorry I hurt her though not sorry I told the truth) and at the same time gently steering/reinforcing her efforts toward losing weight. I am probably guilty of becoming cynical in that regard, but it's hard to be enthusiastic about supporting/paying for the 147th different diet/meal program/gym membership when she abandons them all after 2 weeks.

 

Maybe I just need to kick myself in the butt. As my old boss used to say, "Your attitude controls your results, and you control your attitude!"

 

LV specB

[superconductor]

As my old boss used to say, "Your attitude controls your results, and you control your attitude!"

 

LV specB

Too bad that your old boss lied.

 

Seriously.

 

But maybe that's another thread.

 

Point is, you obviously have to decide for yourself how much of an issue this is. For me personally, I got out of a marriage after my now-ex ballooned, blamed me for everything, lost interest in sex and so forth.

 

My commitment to her, though it didn't come with conditions, eventually broke under the weight (pun intended) of the changes that took place after we were married. In short, she became an entirely different person. I simply couldn't, and wouldn't, tolerate living the rest of my life with someone who betrayed the very principles behind our marriage in the first place.

 

This, as I see it, is what's happened with you and your wife. Instead of taking ownership of her own issues, she blames you. That's pretty typical stuff, frankly, but just because it happens all the time doesn't make it right. What's even worse, in my opinion, is that she doesn't seem even willing to try to make the adjustments necessary to be a better spouse, but at the same time she expects you to adjust to her new attitude and body.

 

Someone said that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. While that may not be true 100% of the time, it's accurate enough often enough to give you pause for thought.