Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[LVspecB]

Someone said that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. While that may not be true 100% of the time, it's accurate enough often enough to give you pause for thought.

I've done more than pause - I've stopped to think. If I won't leave, that means I'm staying. If I'm staying, that means I have to try - anything else shortchanges me, my wife and my kids. If I'm going to try, I have to have the right attitude, otherwise I'm just undercutting my own efforts. I'll just have to accentuweight (pun intended) the positive...

 

LV specB

[Ladyjane14]

I've done more than pause - I've stopped to think. If I won't leave, that means I'm staying. If I'm staying, that means I have to try - anything else shortchanges me, my wife and my kids. If I'm going to try, I have to have the right attitude, otherwise I'm just undercutting my own efforts. I'll just have to accentuweight (pun intended) the positive...

 

Okay... if you're determined to try then I think your best bet is going to be to improve the overall relationship. The genie's already out of the bottle on the weight issue, and since your wife is hypersensitive to criticism, I think you're going to have to work towards reassuring her of your devotion.

 

In short, you need to apologize.

Not for the the content of the message, but rather for the way it came out. You responded to her in anger at a time when she was actively seeking reassurance of your love.

....every arguement has ended with her trying to get me to agree to the statement that "you don't desire me as much because of my weight". So, last week I gave in, contradicting my earlier carefully phrased position that I loved her for all her qualities, and said yes, her obesity had caused me problems in our sex life and had diminished my drive and interest in lovemaking.

 

What's causing your arguments, btw?

And have you noticed a trend in her coming to you for comfort at other times other than when you're in a state of conflict?

 

I think you'd probably do well to address her insecurities at the emotional level. You've said that her father was critical of her. Unfortunately, you could be picking up some of her misplaced defensiveness towards him. Fight fire with WATER, right? Feed her self-esteem by consistantly verbalizing the things you find wonderful about her. Take yourself out of the authority mold, and don't let her confuse YOU with her dad.

 

Meanwhile, go ahead and have a down to earth talk about what happened. That issue is already on the table. It's not going anywhere until it's dealt with. So... you may as well share with her what you really feel.

 

Let her know that her weight IS an issue for you. Tell her exactly why. You might take a bit of the sting out of it if you'll talk about sex from a male perspective. Visualization and variety can become increasingly important as a man ages. You said you were 50, right? Sometimes as a guy get a bit older he needs more stimulation in order to maintain arousal.

 

While that might not be particularly true in your case... I don't think it would be amiss to put it on the table. It redirects the focus onto the biology of the problem and might serve to depersonalize the criticism a little better. It lets her know that what you're hoping for is to be supported by a partner who is both enthusiastic and energetic. One who will help you to realize your sexual potential as you continue to mature.

 

Let her know that you love her, and that you're concerned for her on EVERY level, not just the aesthetic. She's not going to enjoy the conversation no matter what you do. There's just NO NICE way to tell someone they're fat. But the good news is that your wife already KNOWS she's fat. That's not the thing that's escaped her attention.

What she needs to know now... is how it affects her marriage.

[superconductor]

I'd be extremely careful about apologizing, by the way. Though it may come with pure intent, it's clear that your wife seems to have this way of manipulating words to cause you more grief.

 

Besides, haven't you already apologized for this? Another one on top of it will only keep the issue alive, and it's no secret that women have memories that reach back into forever especially when it's about some real or perceived slight.

[LVspecB]

I'd be extremely careful about apologizing, by the way. Though it may come with pure intent, it's clear that your wife seems to have this way of manipulating words to cause you more grief.

 

Besides, haven't you already apologized for this? Another one on top of it will only keep the issue alive, and it's no secret that women have memories that reach back into forever especially when it's about some real or perceived slight.

Any apology would be, as Lady Jane said, for the delivery method, not the content. I was upset when we had the discussion and spoke in anger. I don't like to be adressed in that way and I'm sorry I spoke to her in that vein. It didn't help an already difficult situation.

 

Having said that, the issue is out on the table and will have to be discussed. My inclination at this time is to wait for her to do so...

 

LVspecB

[lover's rock]

I had a similar problem and I'm a completely different woman who gets offended when criticism is thrown my way, but I'm able to take it and see if it applies to me. I'll be angry but I'm able to admit if it's true. That being said, what my husband did was first off tell me flat out. That hurt. But I did the above and changed some things concerning my appearance. Now he's gotten on this health kick. He's brought it to me in a "I feel like I'm sluggish and I need to lose a few pounds. I think I should start eating healthier and exercising" fashion. I then said, "that sounds like a good idea. Let's do it together." I'm not sure if this will work in your situations but it's done well in mine. My husband and I make a shopping list and go shopping together. We look for and buy alot of healthy things. Because I prepare the meals (stay at home mom) he sometimes brings home a suggestion he found on the internet or maybe our counselor mentioned to him (like egg whites instead of egg yolks). Because of this I'm more conscious of the way I eat. We check up on each other too.

 

See it's not something that I'm doing alone or he's doing alone. We've turned it into something we do together. We hold each other accountable. I'm more liberal than him so I help him not beat himself up if he slips and has a snack in between meals. He's more strict so if he brings me something to drink, he'll bring water instead of juice. Play to your strengths.

 

We haven't worked out the exercising thing yet lol. We both agree that it needs to be a sport that we're involved in. We talked about going to the racqetball court like we used to when we were dating (I'm pregnant now so that's gonna be a few months lol). But we've started developing some really good habits that way.

 

You both are responsible for each other's health. Sometimes it takes some harshness...like throwing away that cake your husband keeps eating at...and sometimes it takes compassion...like sweeping your wife away on a night on the town to make her feel glamorous. Then maybe saying something like "I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let's do this together."

 

Besides, being healthy is alot more fun when you're doing it with someone you love.

[Ivan]

Found this topic from a Google search on dealing with overweight spouses and have been going through the same thing. Ever since I got married, my wife also gained weight more and more and I hated it. She was so beautiful when I married her and I felt myself less and less attracted to her. She'd buy books on losing weight and I'd read them too. All of them said to stay silent and support her. She is an emotional eater who thinks food that's bad for her are a reward.

 

Now she's doubled in size, hates herself, and snores horribly. She dresses like a middle aged or older overweight woman with lots of pant suits, very baggy tops, and this hideous bathing suit that looks like it's for grandmothers even though she's only in her 30s. We have had practically no sex life for many years. Her family has had weight issues too, but the rest of them have all lost the weight. They've all asked her to be partners with them to lose weight while they were going through it, but she refused.

 

Throughout the years, I've tried cooking healthy for her, but she cheated every chance she could outside the house. If the subject is brought up, she got angry so I'd avoid it.

 

She'd also tell me if she could lose just a little, then that victory would motivate her to lose more. A couple years ago, she tried the South Beach Diet and started getting obvious results after a couple months. Everyone complimented her on her results but she didn't see them. I was also very enthusiastic for her and she seemed to appreciate it. But that first Christmas a few months later, she decided to take a break from the diet, so she could indulge a little. Sure enough, she gained it all back and never went back on the diet.

 

The subject of her weight been brought up a few times in the past few years and I end up being yelled at by her. I've been called shallow. I'm told I don't look perfect either. I'm slim although I've developed a small gut. I don't care if she's model thin. But, c'mon. I'm at least the right weight for my height. How is that the same for someone who went from size 12 or 14 to a 22???

 

Our sex life is awful. It's hard to get aroused by her. I have to think of someone else and keep my eyes closed. We can only use the position of me on top. It's hard work to exert myself when I'm with her. Her weight makes the act difficult and that ends up with me not being able to continue. She has no problem blaming me for this and told me I need Viagra.

 

I'm so discouraged. I get insomnia wondering what I did wrong to get a spouse who doesn't care about herself, her looks, or my needs to find my wife sexually attractive. I don't need her to lose it all and try to be perfect. But is it so wrong to want my wife to try to look good to me when I try to look good for her?

 

She's spoken to her doctor about this and for some reason, he keeps telling her that her weight is fine!!!! I know she is at least 220 pounds at only 5'5". I am so angry with that doctor.

 

Recently, I got sick of it and told her about the weight. I told her it was unhealthy. She got very angry and threw the doctor's remarks at me and told me I wasn't perfect either. She cried and made me feel guilty and I went for it. We've made up, but I still feel anger.

 

I'm so glad I found this topic. This took a lot off my chest. I don't think I'm shallow. If I were to drink alchohol or get into drugs with the same abandon she eats food, She would have had her family intervene on me or she would have left me. This topic makes me feel like I'm not alone even though I haven't found an answer to help me. I hate the thought that the only way I'll ever have a good sex life is to leave her, since it's the only reason I'm unhappy with the marriage.

 

Her family has been very supportive to me and have tried to help, but all that resulted is thatmy wife thinks we're ganging up on her. They've all lost weight and she asks them how they do it. They tell her. Then when they ask about her progress, she gets mad. It's a lose/lose sitation with her.

 

We went through marriage counseling, but the subject of her weight only got tip toed on because it's such a sensititve subject to her. The couple times it was mentioned, my wife later on would get mad and accuse the counselor and me of ganging up on her too.

 

I don't know what more to add. I'm sick of the insomnia. I'm sick of notbeing able to buy her nice clothes or lingerie. I'm sick of her complimenting my behind or some part of me that's fit when I can't reciprocate with anything better than her smile or eyes or hair. I'm sick of the lack of sex. I'm sick of not being able to talk about it. I'm sick of her thinking food is a reward or a salve. I'm sick of her loving french fires more than she loves me. I'm sick of bottling it all up and not being able to say all this to her.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Pink Amulet]

God I am so sorry to hear.

 

You don't often here the pain and struggle from the other side of the weight problem....

 

I know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

[Ivan]

I know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

 

Well put! She went through therapy years ago too. I thought she was better. Maybe not.

 

Thank you for your words.

[Joelle]

LVspecB,

 

At the risk of being flamed and criticized, I'm going to share my view:

 

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Personally, I know of a couple of women who let themselves go after they were married. Within a few months of marriage, they gained several dress sizes, and look like different women. There was no medical reason for their weight gain.

 

I think it's very unfair to their husbands, in my opinion. To me, the women seemed to have "bait and switched" them. They were NOT the same women their husbands married.

 

For myself, I deliberately keep myself slim & trim for health and appearance sake. After 11 years of being together, my husband admits that I still turn his head. My husband kept in shape, too. His family says, as a couple, we look like newlyweds, not like a married old couple.

[LVspecB]

Found this topic from a Google search on dealing with overweight spouses and have been going through the same thing. Ever since I got married, my wife also gained weight more and more and I hated it. She was so beautiful when I married her and I felt myself less and less attracted to her. She'd buy books on losing weight and I'd read them too. All of them said to stay silent and support her. She is an emotional eater who thinks food that's bad for her are a reward.

 

Now she's doubled in size, hates herself, and snores horribly. She dresses like a middle aged or older overweight woman with lots of pant suits, very baggy tops, and this hideous bathing suit that looks like it's for grandmothers even though she's only in her 30s. We have had practically no sex life for many years. Her family has had weight issues too, but the rest of them have all lost the weight. They've all asked her to be partners with them to lose weight while they were going through it, but she refused.

 

Throughout the years, I've tried cooking healthy for her, but she cheated every chance she could outside the house. If the subject is brought up, she got angry so I'd avoid it.

 

She'd also tell me if she could lose just a little, then that victory would motivate her to lose more. A couple years ago, she tried the South Beach Diet and started getting obvious results after a couple months. Everyone complimented her on her results but she didn't see them. I was also very enthusiastic for her and she seemed to appreciate it. But that first Christmas a few months later, she decided to take a break from the diet, so she could indulge a little. Sure enough, she gained it all back and never went back on the diet.

 

The subject of her weight been brought up a few times in the past few years and I end up being yelled at by her. I've been called shallow. I'm told I don't look perfect either. I'm slim although I've developed a small gut. I don't care if she's model thin. But, c'mon. I'm at least the right weight for my height. How is that the same for someone who went from size 12 or 14 to a 22???

 

Our sex life is awful. It's hard to get aroused by her. I have to think of someone else and keep my eyes closed. We can only use the position of me on top. It's hard work to exert myself when I'm with her. Her weight makes the act difficult and that ends up with me not being able to continue. She has no problem blaming me for this and told me I need Viagra.

 

I'm so discouraged. I get insomnia wondering what I did wrong to get a spouse who doesn't care about herself, her looks, or my needs to find my wife sexually attractive. I don't need her to lose it all and try to be perfect. But is it so wrong to want my wife to try to look good to me when I try to look good for her?

 

She's spoken to her doctor about this and for some reason, he keeps telling her that her weight is fine!!!! I know she is at least 220 pounds at only 5'5". I am so angry with that doctor.

 

Recently, I got sick of it and told her about the weight. I told her it was unhealthy. She got very angry and threw the doctor's remarks at me and told me I wasn't perfect either. She cried and made me feel guilty and I went for it. We've made up, but I still feel anger.

 

I'm so glad I found this topic. This took a lot off my chest. I don't think I'm shallow. If I were to drink alchohol or get into drugs with the same abandon she eats food, She would have had her family intervene on me or she would have left me. This topic makes me feel like I'm not alone even though I haven't found an answer to help me. I hate the thought that the only way I'll ever have a good sex life is to leave her, since it's the only reason I'm unhappy with the marriage.

 

Her family has been very supportive to me and have tried to help, but all that resulted is thatmy wife thinks we're ganging up on her. They've all lost weight and she asks them how they do it. They tell her. Then when they ask about her progress, she gets mad. It's a lose/lose sitation with her.

 

We went through marriage counseling, but the subject of her weight only got tip toed on because it's such a sensititve subject to her. The couple times it was mentioned, my wife later on would get mad and accuse the counselor and me of ganging up on her too.

 

I don't know what more to add. I'm sick of the insomnia. I'm sick of notbeing able to buy her nice clothes or lingerie. I'm sick of her complimenting my behind or some part of me that's fit when I can't reciprocate with anything better than her smile or eyes or hair. I'm sick of the lack of sex. I'm sick of not being able to talk about it. I'm sick of her thinking food is a reward or a salve. I'm sick of her loving french fires more than she loves me. I'm sick of bottling it all up and not being able to say all this to her.

 

Thanks for listening.

Well Ivan, there is certainly a lot in your post that is very familiar to me. As challenged as I am in my own marriage right now, I wouldn't even presume to offer you advice. Do you have children? Honestly, my 8-yr old son is what's keeping me in my marriage (and trying hard to work at it) right now. I went through a very nasty divorce when my oldest son was the same age and swore I'd never put a child of mine (or myself) through that Hell again. So I'm just taking it one day at a time, glass is half-full, concerning myself with those things under my control. My wife's weight is not one of those things...

 

LVspecB

[Greensleaves]

Hmm, it does all sound unfair, but my Ex did similar things, too.

He was unhappy about his weight gain and when I finally stated, yes, it does affect my sex drive because I felt less attracted on a physical level, I was called shallow, too, and blamed for it: if you did this, did that, it wouldn't have happened and I could loose it really easily if you were more of this and this.....

 

I guess men do the same thing sometimes, like worriedsick's experience seems to confirm. And they, too, pull the shallow card.

 

I guess the only thing you can do about it is supporting her in any weight reducing measures she is taking, but she needs to gain some perspective on this, I don't know if there is a mutual friend or a family member who could talk to her.

[Ivan]

Thank you for all the support and responses!

 

We have no children and don't plan to. As for her friends, she's often asked them how they lost weight. They tell her and she gets excited and says she'll try it too. It doesn't last long since results aren't apparent within a few days. To an overweight person's defense, it probably is discouraging not to get obvious results for weeks.

 

I will say this. I made my first posting after getting insomnia due to a fight over the subject a few hours before. Since then we've made a deal. No rich desserts or french fries for a month for her and no alchohol for me. Since we don't drink that much, I sure got the easy end of it. At any rate, I also don't plan on eating any rich desserts or french fries either to help her out.

 

She knows I love her and I try to tell her that avoiding bad foods shouldn't be seen as a punishment. It's actually a reward to your body. There's plenty of delicious desserts we'd both enjoy that aren't high in fat. Whenever I've made some, she seems to really like them, but when we're away from the house and "bad" desserts are also available, the temptation is usually too much.

[Guest]

You are wrong! My DH is 60 lbs heavier than when we met 10 years ago and I don't care about how it makes him look aesthetically. IT is never ok to let yourself go but I do not equate love with sexual attrctiveness. Stop looking at what they are eating and start looking at what is eating them. Happy people do not let themselves fall apart

 

YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ophelia78]

Hey I really feel for you. I put on weight when I started dating my boyfriend (now husband). I could tell he didn't fancy me as much anymore so I lost the weight and through trial and error I now have a system that works great and I've been a nice 140 pounds for some time now.

 

In my opinion your wife is not living in reality. She is also not holding up her part of the deal in the marriage, which is implicitly "as far as is reasonable I promise to remain generally in the physical state I was when you fell in love with me, and above all do all that I can to stay HEALTHY". I would say the same about a person who started a dangerous sport or smoked or drank excessively. Also sex is part of the marriage deal. If you refuse to give it up you aren't keeping your end of the deal.

 

Please get your wife to a counsellor or therapist, and/or a nutritionist. Don't allow her to do fad diets; those will only make the problem worse. Figure out what a REALISTIC weight is for her, and how many calories per day she'll need to maintain it (look at online BMR calculators). Then suggest that is the number of calories per day that she eats (a realistic figure is 2000 per day). She should not be too hungry on that amount and WILL lose weight. My number is about 1800 and I maintain my weight and never feel hungry. Don't let her ever stop counting calories. A food weighing scale, calorie book, calculator, and food diary should become her best friends. Otherwise she'll put it back on.

 

I hope she can lose the weight and save your marriage.

[LVspecB]

IT is never ok to let yourself go but I do not equate love with sexual attrctiveness.

Seems like a number of contradictions in just that one sentenence. If "it is never ok to let yourself go", what if the "letting go" is in something other than one's weight? Do you equate love with sobriety? Faithfulness? Ability to support the family? Honesty? I feel that if I "let myself go" in one of those areas, I wouldn't get much sympathy from many of the female posters here, including "Guest"

 

LVspecB

[Guest]

It's quite common for women to "stack on the pounds" once they are married. Of cource, children can do this, however they can lose the excess kilo's if they try and really want too.

 

Once a woman becomes comfortable with her lot, settled, and has her man, their is no reason to be vigilant with her weight, as she now has her husband. I think it is disrespectful to herself and her husband. The woman of course will say, "you shoud love me for the inner me", which of course we do, however having a wife we find physically attractive is important too.

 

It's almost as if they do it on purpose sometimes, to punish us for being "so shallow" LOL

[reservoirdog1]

Isn't it amazing how us women say we want men to be honest and then hate it when they are?

At the risk of sounding jaded, it seems sometimes that women only want men to be honest if it's phrased in a "nice" way. The guy who started this thread, unfortunately, was in a classic Catch-22. Of his extremely limited options, he chose the right one. The problem seems to be his wife's reaction to his honesty.

 

Sure, it's shallow to base attraction on physical appearance. Tough shyt -- attraction itself is shallow. It's all about US -- what WE want, what turns US on, etc.

 

Anyway, I agree with the approaches that suggested counselling, exercising together, dietary changes. Not sure what else could be done.

[penkitten]

you could take an evening walk when weather is nice. call it a date, call it family time whatever. after dinner and the clean up. make it something you both look forward to.

hold hands and walk slow. take time to talk about each others day.

 

because you are not only spending quality time again, getting in touch with each other, but you are exercising together.

 

when you see that a neighbor put out a lovely new flower bed, mention how you like it. when you see tacky lawn ornaments, mention your not fond of it haha.

[Interloper]

BTW - She has had many doctor visits, no medical reason for the weight gain...

 

It is certainly a common problem. It's usually a social issue/problem not a medical one.

 

Once women are married, they become comfortable and contented in their new found status, the result being that they often "stack on the pounds". Their is no incentive for them to stay attractive for you, as they now "have you".

 

Of course, the problem can be due to having children, however they can lose the weight if they really want to. The post-metabolic rate of a pregnant woman is very high due to the metabolic responses required to support their children. Not having enough time to stay in shape is often cited, however if the person sticks to a normal eating plan, the increased metabolism of post-pregnancy will create the calorie deficit required to lose the weight (without exercise). It's really a sign of disrespect for themselves, the relationship, and yourself.

 

The natural response for the female will be, "You are shallow. You should love me for the inner me, not my body", which of course we do, however physical attraction is still important. Sometimes i wonder if women do this on purpose to us, as a way of getting us back for supposidly "being shallow".

 

The women here should feel free to dispute all of this, however this is all common knowledge amongst men. We're always careful never to bring it up around women, so you never hear it from us.

[stoopid_guy]

The women here should feel free to dispute all of this, however this is all common knowledge amongst men. We're always careful never to bring it up around women, so you never hear it from us.

I guess I missed the memo.

 

People typically gain weight with age, that's common. Pregnancy pounds take some time to get off. That's understandable. I wouldn't even call these "problems."

 

But when/if a person gains 100 lbs, that's different. "Healthy" is attractive. A 100 lb weight gain is unhealthy, a 100 lb weight gain is (on most people) un-attractive.

[mental_traveller]

Your wife is acting like a callous, hypocritical, lazy, manipulative bitch, and is quite frankly lucky not to be heading to divorce court, which is where she would be if she was married to someone less tolerant than yourself.

 

My gf put on a bit of weight last year. This was because she quit smoking, mainly because I didn't like it. Once she got noticably fatter (as in a couple of sizes bigger), she told me quite a few times she was unhappy with it, and with encouragement from me she went about trying to change. She's now down to almost the same weight as what she was before. Basically she recognised the problem herself, and made a sincere effort to change, without me even really having to point it out - in fact I was much less critical about it than she was. That's because she wants to look good and feel good about herself, and she also wants me to like the way she looks. Basically she wants herself & me to be happy and that was enough motivation for her - similar with me working out now when I didn't before.

 

Contrast this with your wife - she is clearly disgusted with her body, yet unwilling to lift a finger to change. She not only doesn't give a damn what you feel, she actively manipulates you, using something which she ought to be ashamed of.

 

Quite frankly the problems with your marriage go way beyond her weight. This is just a symptom of the fact that she doesn't respect you, or truly love you. If you truly love someone, you would never allow yourself to become repulsive to them (assuming it's possible to change with reasonable effort - ppl with genetic or medical disorders are obviously exempt)

 

I'd strongly consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage, being nagged by someone who doesn't even respect or genuinely love you. I would try to shock her into change - if you mention the D word then she'll be forced to stop playing games and start taking your feelings seriously.

[Becoming]

I agree with those who advise you to find out what's eating her. Many people substitute food for lack of love. If her father was hypercritical, you cannot put yourself in a controlling authoritarian role or you just become her father and she feels powerless and hopeless against you (all in her mind) and she reaches for chocolate to console herself.

 

YOU need to be her consolation and love. Which is now hard because she won't let you. But you have to try like Prince Charming trying to fight his way through all the thorns and barbs and walls of defenses surrounding the sleeping beauty that is your wife. She will throw up every defense, but you have to make like Hercules, thwarting them all.

 

I'd be willing to put money on the fact that her family of origin taught her how to hate and blame herself so thoroughly that she has a nasty game of shame and blame going, which she has now shifted onto you. There are serious psychological issues at play here. Until those are dealt with, I doubt she'll lose the weight. These are deep and may take a long time and patience to overcome.

 

After a harsh childhood, she may have looked to you as savior (not fair, of course, etc.). But she may not have gotten the love she hoped for from you and started feeding the disappointment with other "goodies." It's much like an alcoholic addiction.

 

Please don't hear this as a harsh accusation but as a gentle probing: Where were you when she packed on the pounds? Why didn't you say anything then? Your not saying anything in the process may have been interpreted as "He doesn't care" which = "He doesn't care about me." And that just fed the cycle of shame and blame she has going on. She obviously feels bad about herself, and if she were a size 2-10 that'd still be true-->her packing the pounds on yet again.

 

All that being said, I'm not ragging on you. I'm trying to see things from her pov as I've heard spoken by seriously obsese folks at Weight Watchers meetings.

 

Because I agree with you: her weight is a serious issue. You signed on for sickness and health, but you didn't sign on for her deliberately making herself sick so you'd take care of her, which I think is what she's subconsciously trying to do. She wants someone to take care of her like the little girl she is emotionally. She wants a good Daddy now, not the hypercritical one she had. Notice that she's acting like a child with no self-control. She's not acting as a responsible adult, which is what you thought you married. Truth is, we always get both the child and the adult (and then some, huh? ). When she decides to act like an overindulgent child, you have to act like the good parent out of love for her. She will resent you, try to blame you like a rebellious teen. Ignore her bluster and do what you know to be good for all concerned, not as her parent, but as a responsible adult.

 

Her future health problems as a result of obesity will impinge upon your life in more ways than lack of sex in the future. It wouldn't be ok if your liver failed due to alcoholism, right? So why would eating yourself to death? The analogy is apt. She is addicted to food. Overeaters Anonymous might be good for her, and it's free, I believe. It'd put her in touch with her emotions, perhaps.

 

You DO need to apologize to her. You need to apologize for your lack of care for whatever is eating her and for not helping her with her food issues when she first started having a problem. And then lay the honesty and compassion you've shown here onto her. Telling her you will not stand by and watch her slowly kill herself with food and say nothing anymore says to her that you care. Ignore and deflect all her angry barbs she'll throw at you, and just press on, Hercules!

 

She needs help. She needs love--your love and assurance, yes--but mostly her own. Apologize and pledge your support of her needs, both emotionally and physically. And help her see she's not alone in facing this fat.

 

I highly recommend finding a good marriage counselor to discuss this weight issue with because this comes with deeply embedded and tangled issues that are probably way more complicated than she lacks self-discipline.

[superconductor]

But you have to try like Prince Charming trying to fight his way through all the barbs and walls of defenses surrounding the sleeping beauty that is your wife... You DO need to apologize to her. You need to apologize for your lack of care for whatever is eating her and for not helping her with her food issues when she first started a problem... Apologize and pledge your support of her needs, both emotionally and physically.

Although I understand where Becoming is coming from, I think this is bad advice.

 

Fawning all over her, apologizing for things that aren't the OPs responsibility and being just a general "nice supportive guy" is, in effect, rewarding her behaviour. And rewarding this behaviour will only continue the cycle of overeating, because the larger she gets, the more she will expect the OP to curry favour.

 

I'm personally not a big fan of ultimatums, but I frankly don't see any other way, unless the OP has resigned himself to a sexless marriage with an unattractive spouse.

[mental_traveller]

 

One of the things I've learned is that the only time my wife & I discuss her weight issues is when she herself brings up the subject. Fortunately, she's making serious efferts at weight loss right now, so we are communicating on the subject. But there have been other times this has been an off-limits subject, unless I want to be yelled at and watch her leave the room, slamming the door behind her.

 

You see this is what I don't understand. You should just immediately divorce someone who acts like this. If there is a problem, and it needs fixing, how can you do this without being able to discuss the problem frankly? Anyone who gets angry when a problem is raised is basically acting like a 5 year old in a temper tantrum. They should be treated as such, and rapidly ejected from your life.

[Interloper]

I guess I missed the memo.

 

Dunno, we must hang in different circles. 90% of the time i spend at the pub with my friends involves discussing sports and our interests. 10% of the convo may be directed to women, perhaps 9% of this about womens body parts and 1% about women trouble