Overweight Spouse and Sex - Catch 22?

[mental_traveller]

I don't think I would do that. She does bring up the subject frequently, so we do discuss it. She has to be the one to bring up the topic though.

 

But some things that deserve discussion don't get discussed. For example, there's the exercise bike I bought at a rotary auction for her in June. She's ridden it exactly twice. Our agreement was that if she rides it and tells me, I am to congradulate her, but I can never ask about it. Last night she was complaining that she's not losing weight on her current diet as quickly as she hoped. I thought of suggesting that she the exericse bike, but that would hurt her feelings so I'm not allowed to say that.

 

Doesn't it hurt your feelings if she doesn't give two hoots about her weight? Why are her feelings more important than yours? You need to grow a set.

[CrushedOrgans]

 

she puts on weight, they get divorced, and then she drops weight off like sweat off a water buffalo's back to begin dating again? think she ever wondered that if she did that to begin with the husband wouldnt have gone after the aerobics instructor, which she looked like 4 years earlier????? (just one example i know of recently).

 

 

but she wouldn't have had that convenient dose of depression to help stave off her appetite until after the divorce anyway, you silly goose.

 

wear your seatbelt, floss your teeth, lose some weight, work out, eat your vegetables, drink your milk, don't eat sweets, stop pulling your sister's hair, don't bite your nails, don't play ball in the house, don't tease the dog, don't drive too fast, do your homework, read more, watch less tv, get off the computer, stop twirling your hair, don't make so much noise when you're eating...we all seem to know what's best for everyone else, but we sometimes forget how hard habits are to break. everyone has something they do that they shouldn't. patience is wonderful.

 

 

maybe she mistakenly thought that your love and patience would also grow *along with her weight* in your marriage. that damn pesky "in sickness and in health" clause. guess you should have left that part out.

[worriedsick]

 

 

maybe she mistakenly thought that your love and patience would also grow *along with her weight* in your marriage. that damn pesky "in sickness and in health" clause. guess you should have left that part out.

 

There is a difference between "sickness and health" and just plain fat and lazy, or for other examples, people who have gambling addictions, alcohol addictions, etc. When people get married, they're also supposed to be making a committment to make their marriage a happy one. It's not fair to marry someone, then feel you can do anything with no regard for your SO's feelings, especially if you married someone who takes their vows seriously. That puts them in an awful position of living the rest of their lives unhappily. It's cruel for her to expect him to stay forever even though she has no regard for his feelings whatsoever.

[LVspecB]

Interesting to me that both sides cite a portion of the traditional marriage vows to support their position. Some use "in sickness and in health" to indicate that, better or worse, as a couple you are bound together through thick and thin. The other side points to "honor and obey" to highlight the commitment that you make to each other in all aspects of your life.

 

I guess I feel (and others may feel differently) that I have satisfied both counts. I have waited for 10 years for my wife to successfully address this issue. I have neither cheated nor contemplated doing so. We sucessfully raised 3 children and built a life. We have all the trappings of a happy marriage, but our sex life has gone DOA as her weight has passed the 200 lb. mark.

 

I have some hard choices to make...

 

LVspecB

[whichwayisup]

It's time your wife does address this issue and fast.

 

She's a mother of 3 children, there's a reason. The chances of her getting heart disease, having heart problems, diabetes, stroke, etc..Are alot higher as her weight continues to grow.

 

Instead of making it about sex, try a different angle. Cuz her knowing how you feel about her sexually isn't helping...And I DO sympathize with you. You have a right to feel what you feel.

 

Involve yourself more, GO for walks. Maybe learn how to cook less fattening foods, and don't keep alot of junk food in the house.

 

You say she has issues with food, so one thing she has to do is go talk to someone. Self confidence in herself isnt' there, she IS depressed, even if she doesn't look it or act it around you, she is depressed...

 

Don't make any choices yet...

[JustTina]

I have read all of these posts with great interest, as I am living this nightmare right now, and I hoped to gain some insight here. I am a wife who has gained weight and hope to lose it. My husband is repulsed by me sexually, and honestly, I don't even blame him for that. But what I would first say to everyone is that weight gain is not always the result of pigging out or eating crap constantly or laziness. And weight loss is not always easy or just a simple matter of diet and exercise.

 

I was 160 pounds on my wedding day and a size 14/15. If you saw photos of me you probably would think I weighed more like 135-140, because I actually always looked slightly slimmer than I really am. But the fact is I was technically overweight when I got married (I am 5'4). My husband was 135lb with a 28 inch waist.

 

I got pregnant very quickly and shot up to 210 pounds. I lost 20 pounds within 2 days of giving birth, and another 10 within a month, but gained about 20 back due to C-section with lots of complications and I had no way to exercise. And since I was a stay at home mom and rather young and unmotivated, my weight fluctuated betrween 180-200 for 5 years after I gave birth.

 

When my daughter started kindergarten, I got a night job cleaning the local YMCA for 6-8 hours per night, by myself. Within a year, with no dieting, I had lost 50 pounds, getting down to about 150 and a size 12/14. That was the only time as an adult I have ever lost significant weight. I loved how I looked! After four years of cleaning as a job and hating it, I went to college. I gained 20 pounds my first year of college. My food intake at that time was less than most people ate: I ate a light lunch (salad or sandwich) and dinner.

 

Fast forward to 2001. I had maintained a weight of about 170 for several years after going to college and then starting work as a teacher. Then personal family issues caused me to feed my emotions (and my fat). This lasted a couple of years. But then the emotional eating stopped. I cut the crap and took control of my food instead of letting it control me. But I'm now about 205. I have gained 20 pounds in the last two years, as a direct result of eating less and less! I hate myself and my husband hates the way I look as well, and who can blame him?

 

But here's the thing: beginning in about 2003 I started serious dieting and exercise. I exercised no less than 5 days per week for no less than 30 minutes (usually 45 mins. to an hour). I lost NO WEIGHT. I tried everything: aerobics, step-aerobics, spinning, walking, and every combo thereof. Still nothing. And I would do these exercise programs for months at a time before I'd get irritated and give up. As far as I know, if you work out for three months and diet and lose not even one pound, that ain't right.

 

My diet now (which has been my diet for almost 3 years) consists of a banana for breakfast, salad or soup for lunch, and dinner. I almost never eat after dinner time. Yes, I lose it once in awhile and eat dessert, but it's very seldom. All this past summer, I ate even less: one meal per day. I lost no weight.

 

No matter how much exercise I do or how little I eat, I do not lose weight. My thyroid is all that has been checked so far, and it was normal, so it's not that. My doctor says I have a "low metabolism." Well, DUH! So what am I supposed to do? I will also say that I had a kidney stone problem last year. There were two times during that where I did not eat at all for 5 days straight, AND I was throwing up all the time too (I couldn't even keep water down) and I still did not lose weight.

 

My husband does not want me, even though when I was at 200lbs years before he couldn't get enough me. I'm serious. He'd do it everyday if I would agree to it then! But now it's different for some reason. I do understand why it bugs him, but that does not make it hurt any less. Especially since I have tried so many times to lose this freaking weight and nothing works! It's like he's punishing me even though I try to lose it and can't.

 

I think what really gets me too is that he eats whatever he wants and looks basically fine. He has a very small gut, but that's it. HE does not work out. he does not try to eat healthy. He just has good genes, so that is part of the reason it bugs me if he makes comments about my weight. If he actually worked to look the way he does, maybe it wouldn't bug me as much. By the way, his waist is now 34 inches and he weighs about 175 (40lbs. heavier than when we married). He still is the sexiest thing wakling to me, and always will be.

 

I do not blame any guys or gals for how they feel if their spouse gains weight. But that doesn't mean it's not going to hurt the spouse very deeply. And that doesn't mean it's totally OK to judge your spouse by their appearance. There is supposed to be more to a person than their body. And it doesn't all mean they're just lazy or that they eat like pigs. I am living proof of that not being the case! Losing weight is beyond difficult for some people, and I am one of them. And all I want is for someone to tell me what diet to try next, or what exercise program that will actually work! I don't even think it's possible anymore. I'm willing to do the work, but it has just never worked for me (other than cleaning for 8 hours a night, which I could only do now if I gave up sleeping because I already have 2 other jobs AND help my husband with his two businesses!).

 

So that's my story. Sorry it's so long. I appreciate the chance to vent.

[LVspecB]

My diet now (which has been my diet for almost 3 years) consists of a banana for breakfast, salad or soup for lunch, and dinner. I almost never eat after dinner time. Yes, I lose it once in awhile and eat dessert, but it's very seldom. All this past summer, I ate even less: one meal per day. I lost no weight.

 

No matter how much exercise I do or how little I eat, I do not lose weight. My thyroid is all that has been checked so far, and it was normal, so it's not that. My doctor says I have a "low metabolism." Well, DUH! So what am I supposed to do? I will also say that I had a kidney stone problem last year. There were two times during that where I did not eat at all for 5 days straight, AND I was throwing up all the time too (I couldn't even keep water down) and I still did not lose weight.

Please pardon my skepticism here, but it is based on experience. I wonder if, like my wife, you are in denial about how much you actually eat? Many times she has described to me the latest POW diet she is on, and yet the sandwich wrappers magically appear in the trash can. One aspect of this (and other) addictions is an inability to reconcile reality with perceptions. If you dutifully wrote down everything you ate, you might be surprised at the end of the day.

 

Having accompanied my wife to many weight loss seminars, the underlying principles are fairly simple. If, based on exercise and activity, you burn more calories than you consume, your body uses stored fat for fuel. The result is weight loss.

 

I am in complete agreement with your statement that people unfairly have different metabolisms. However, putting the weight on is one thing, taking it off is another.

 

I hope my post does not come across as harsh or accusatory. I am simply relating my own experiences to your situation. Good luck,

 

LVspecB

[stoopid_guy]

Having accompanied my wife to many weight loss seminars, the underlying principles are fairly simple. If, based on exercise and activity, you burn more calories than you consume, your body uses stored fat for fuel. The result is weight loss.

If you take 20 people, feed them the exact same food and give them the exact same physical activities, they'll be at twenty different weights. Also, an "overweight" person can be healthy. The key is to simply be active and eat healthy.

 

Our society has a "you can do it if you try hard enough" mentality. It's great in a way, but the converse is that we accuse people who don't make their goals of not trying hard enough.

[LVspecB]

If you take 20 people, feed them the exact same food and give them the exact same physical activities, they'll be at twenty different weights. Also, an "overweight" person can be healthy. The key is to simply be active and eat healthy.

True, it is easier for some. But it is the same thing with math, hitting a golf ball, remembering names and everything else in life. Relationship issues aside, your last statement minimizes the well documented health risks associated with carrying an extra 50 or 100lbs.

 

LVspecB

[stoopid_guy]

True, it is easier for some. But it is the same thing with math, hitting a golf ball, remembering names and everything else in life. Relationship issues aside, your last statement minimizes the well documented health risks associated with carrying an extra 50 or 100lbs.

 

LVspecB

It's easier for some, and darn-near impossible for others. And for that matter, is everyone meant to live to be 100?

 

Life is full of trade-offs. Each of us has to choose what we're willing to trade for what. How much time is a person willing to exercise, and how extreme is a person willing to diet to loose weight? That's an individual choice, just as whether or not we're willing to live with someone over-weight is an individual choice.

[JustTina]

Please pardon my skepticism here, but it is based on experience. I wonder if, like my wife, you are in denial about how much you actually eat? Many times she has described to me the latest POW diet she is on, and yet the sandwich wrappers magically appear in the trash can. One aspect of this (and other) addictions is an inability to reconcile reality with perceptions. If you dutifully wrote down everything you ate, you might be surprised at the end of the day.

 

Having accompanied my wife to many weight loss seminars, the underlying principles are fairly simple. If, based on exercise and activity, you burn more calories than you consume, your body uses stored fat for fuel. The result is weight loss.

 

I am in complete agreement with your statement that people unfairly have different metabolisms. However, putting the weight on is one thing, taking it off is another.

 

I hope my post does not come across as harsh or accusatory. I am simply relating my own experiences to your situation. Good luck,

 

LVspecB

 

Please pardon my skepticism here, but it is based on experience. I wonder if, like my wife, you are in denial about how much you actually eat? Many times she has described to me the latest POW diet she is on, and yet the sandwich wrappers magically appear in the trash can. One aspect of this (and other) addictions is an inability to reconcile reality with perceptions. If you dutifully wrote down everything you ate, you might be surprised at the end of the day.

 

Having accompanied my wife to many weight loss seminars, the underlying principles are fairly simple. If, based on exercise and activity, you burn more calories than you consume, your body uses stored fat for fuel. The result is weight loss.

 

I am in complete agreement with your statement that people unfairly have different metabolisms. However, putting the weight on is one thing, taking it off is another.

 

I hope my post does not come across as harsh or accusatory. I am simply relating my own experiences to your situation. Good luck,

 

LVspecB

 

No, you did not sound harsh. But I am 100% NOT in denial about what I eat. And no sandwich wrappers or any other odd thing magically appear in our trash can. My husband knows this is true. On the random occasion when I do eat something stupid, I don't lie about it and I don't hide it. I admit it, and move on. But I don't do it very often because I know I can't.

 

Today I have eaten a banana for breakfast, and a small salad and sandwich for lunch. Yesterday I ate a banana for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a small portion of pork roast and potatoes for dinner. The day before I ate only a banana all day. The day before that I ate absolutely nothing. The day before that I ate lunch out with my husband (a wrap sandwich and small fries) and nothing else all day. I have kept food journals frequently and I also have a good memory, so even when I don't keep one I can tell you what I've eaten every day for at least a week. And the results would look very similar to what I've already described. I simply do not eat that much. And over the summer when I was not teaching, with only 5 exceptions, I ate one meal a day all summer long.

 

Then you take my daughter, who is a size 7-9, is 5'6 and very thin, and she eats crap all day long, drings pop, etc. and she doese not gain weight. I don't even drink pop. I drink water all day long (10-14 glasses per day to help fill me up, and to help prevent another attack of kidney stones!).

 

I told my husband today that the only thing I have yet to try with regard to exercise is a personal trainer. So if he will fork over the cash for that, I will gladly do it. I have no problem with exercise--until I do it for months at a time with absolutely no effect! Beyond that, short of Lipo and a tummy tuck, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. But even though that scares the crap out of me, I may just do it if I get to feeling much worse about myself, and feeling like I am a worthless, fat, ugly cow who my own husband doesn't even want to touch!

 

I wll also say that after reading many posts on this topic and others like it, that laziness is not my issue either. I don't mind exercise at all! I only give up on it when I do it and do it to no avail. I also work 60 hours per week, keep my house clean and laundry done, I take care of all the monthly finances and bills, help out with my 3 year old grandson as needed, and help my husband with his 2 businesses. Laziness is not my problem.

 

I am not in denial about anything and I don't lie to myself or anyone else about what I eat. I am a self-proclaimed fat wife searching desperately for a solution so that I can feel better about myself (perhaps even like myself), and so my husband will actually want me again. And believe me, if tears shed burned enough calories, I would have lost plenty of weight by now in dealing with all of this! All of this as I am weeks away from turning 40. Fat and 40. What a fun thing to be.

[Green]

No, you did not sound harsh. But I am 100% NOT in denial about what I eat. And no sandwich wrappers or any other odd thing magically appear in our trash can. My husband knows this is true. On the random occasion when I do eat something stupid, I don't lie about it and I don't hide it. I admit it, and move on. But I don't do it very often because I know I can't.

 

Today I have eaten a banana for breakfast, and a small salad and sandwich for lunch. Yesterday I ate a banana for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a small portion of pork roast and potatoes for dinner. The day before I ate only a banana all day. The day before that I ate absolutely nothing. The day before that I ate lunch out with my husband (a wrap sandwich and small fries) and nothing else all day. I have kept food journals frequently and I also have a good memory, so even when I don't keep one I can tell you what I've eaten every day for at least a week. And the results would look very similar to what I've already described. I simply do not eat that much. And over the summer when I was not teaching, with only 5 exceptions, I ate one meal a day all summer long.

 

Then you take my daughter, who is a size 7-9, is 5'6 and very thin, and she eats crap all day long, drings pop, etc. and she doese not gain weight. I don't even drink pop. I drink water all day long (10-14 glasses per day to help fill me up, and to help prevent another attack of kidney stones!).

 

yeah your definetly in denial, you've described an anerexic diet, that would make you the fattest anerexic. If you are telling the truth you have some medical problem because your barely eating and I doubt many people encounter your fantastical situation of barely eating for 3 years and gaining so much weight or atleast keeping it on. I really dont know how you even have the energy to work out regurlarly if your basicaly eating 600 calories a day or less. Your hot daughter who eats like crazy is going to end up just like you one day if she doesnt change her eating habits maybe worse, with that said you seem like a nice person and I hope I didnt come off to big

[JustTina]

yeah your definetly in denial, you've described an anerexic diet, that would make you the fattest anerexic. If you are telling the truth you have some medical problem because your barely eating and I doubt many people encounter your fantastical situation of barely eating for 3 years and gaining so much weight or atleast keeping it on. I really dont know how you even have the energy to work out regurlarly if your basicaly eating 600 calories a day or less. Your hot daughter who eats like crazy is going to end up just like you one day if she doesnt change her eating habits maybe worse, with that said you seem like a nice person and I hope I didnt come off to big

 

Wow, it's really nice to be able to open myself up in a forum to actually look for help, only to be called a liar by a perfect stranger! So thanks for that for starters.

 

Do you know anything about anorexia? Anorexics do NOT eat. 600 calories a day would be gorging to an anorexic. Do you know anything about other medical problems, slow metabolisms or anything else, Doctor (as I'm sure you must have a medical degree), that might exist to cause a person to have great difficulty losing weight? I'm guessing the answer is no or you'd be offering up some possible solutions for me to try.

 

I have no reason to lie to myself, to you, or to anyone else. I am trying to find a way to solve my fat problem by using this forum, since nothing else I've done has worked. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might encounter someone with a similar problem who might be able to point me in a direction that would actually HELP me. I am not dilusional. I am not in freaking denial, and I am not lying to myself or anyone else. My diet is exactly as I said it is. I also said in my original post that I DO occasionally eat crap--and that is very occasionally, but I certainly don't need to sneak around or try to hide it or lie about it. I'm an adult and if I choose to eat crap on occasion, I do it right in front of my husband. In fact just less than 2 weeks ago I ate about 2 cups of Tortilla Chips right in front of him about two hours after dinner. GASP! But the fact is that happens very rarely, and the rest of the time I am eating exactly what I have described, or less. And that is precisely why my mother kept bugging me to have my thyroid checked, which I did, and the test came back normal. But even if I did have a problem with my thyroid, it would NOT account for my inability to lose weight given what I eat on a regular basis, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway. She is bugging me to go see an endocronologist (not sure about spelling here) to have more comprehensive tests done now. If our insurance had not turned to crap this year, I would already have made the appointment. I am still paying off bills from having my kidney stone problems last year, as well as another issue that my insurance did not fully pay for. I'm not a rich person, and until these bills are paid, I will not return to the doctor. But I am hoping to go before the end of the year, and maybe then I'll have some clue as to what is going on. I sure as Hades would not spend money on doctors and tests just to feed some sort of denail that you're so sure I live in.

 

I wish I had the time and the desire to eat what you must eat, or what you believe I must eat on a daily basis. I am teaching in a classroom all day and there is no food sitting around for me to eat, and even if there was, I would not eat it because I am busy actually teaching! Then when I am done teaching I come to my store and work for another 3 hours, and there is no food here either. If I have an evening class to teach at my store, I won't even eat dinner because it is 9:30pm before I even get home, and that--as we all know--is too late to eat!

 

If you want to believe I'm a liar and in denial, that is obviously your choice. But considering I have anonymity here, and have absolutely no reason to lie when I am here trying to find solutions, what exactly is my motivation to lie? If I wanted pity I can get it from my friends. I don't need it from people I don't even know. I opened myself up here to try to find some help. Obviously that was a waste of time. Hopefully the doctor will find something that can be done to help me since nothing else I do works.

 

So again, thanks for your knowledge and insights. I am glad that your desire to judge people and make ASSumptions about their honesty and sincerity does not cloud your objectivity in any way. It must be nice living in the high and mighty sector of the world.

[Green]

I just think your in denial, but I did put in the posibility that you have some kind of medical problem. your trying to act like it can just happen to people eating very little for years with out fault and stay fat. You might be alergic to banana's who knows go to a doctor.

[LVspecB]

I told my husband today that the only thing I have yet to try with regard to exercise is a personal trainer. So if he will fork over the cash for that, I will gladly do it. I have no problem with exercise--until I do it for months at a time with absolutely no effect!

Have you thought about (or tried) more social forms of exercise? Everyone's different, but I never enjoyed solitary running or working out, seems boring to me. I enjoy team tennis, bike riding club, etc., all of which provide the extra motivation of having other team or club members depend on you. Just my .02. Good luck,

 

LVspecB

[JustTina]

Have you thought about (or tried) more social forms of exercise? Everyone's different, but I never enjoyed solitary running or working out, seems boring to me. I enjoy team tennis, bike riding club, etc., all of which provide the extra motivation of having other team or club members depend on you. Just my .02. Good luck,

 

LVspecB

 

I have done several more social forms of exercise. I did my Step-Aerobics and Spinning in classes at the YMCA. I also used to go walking with a friend everyday, until she moved. I actually prefer exercising alone because I feel less self-conscious then. But I would gladly do it with a friend and it would be more motivating in certain aspects. I just don't have any friends who can work out around my schedule anymore. So I'm kind of hoping the personal trainer things works out. They would have me doing a wider variety of things, I'm sure, which I'd think would help. But who knows. I'm not giving up yet, that's for sure.

[hotgurl]

justtina,

what do you drink? water or juice or soda, wine etc..

 

Also if you eat less than 1200 calories a day you slow down your metablism and can't lose weight.

 

Have you've been to a nurtionalist? Also varying the length and intensity of workout will help. Like walk and every 5 minutes in the walk do a sprint.

 

a personal trainer is a great idea. I would also try to start the day with protien instead of a bannana.

[hotgurl]

I think you might have insulin sensitivity. I have it it makes it super hard to lose weigth and the only way you can is to go on a high portien low carb diet.

[JustTina]

I think you might have insulin sensitivity. I have it it makes it super hard to lose weigth and the only way you can is to go on a high portien low carb diet.

 

I drink one cup of decaf coffee per day, and the rest of the day I drink water. I dislike pop, and I am lactose intolerant so I don't drink milk. Juice is not my fave thing either...just seems so sweet. Plus it has a lot more calories than water! So I avoid it.

 

My doctor has said that I have a slow metabolism, but the only other thing he's tested for is my thyroid and it was fine. At that time his exact words to me were: you just need to eat less and exercise more. Um, well, that hasn't worked! He is apparently like some other people around here who see a fat person and just ASSume she's eating like a hog.

 

I do hope to get an appointment made for some other tests before the end of the year. At least then maybe something will show up or we can rule out a bunch of things. I have always read that eating too little slows down the metabolism, and since I'm almost 40, I'm sure it's slowing down more because of that as well. I've also had a hysterctomy, and I've heard that hormonal changes can affect metabolism also. I think there are a lot of things working against me. But it just seems like for what I eat, I should at least lose a pound or two here and there, but I just never do! It's frustrating.

 

What kind of protein would you suggest in the morning? I'm not sure what would be best. Honestly, it is very hard for me to eat in the morning. I only eat a banana because I know I need to eat something, and fruit is supposed to be good for you, plus I have slightly high BP. I read somewhere (not sure if it's true) that something in bananas can help naturally lower BP a bit, so I figured it couldn't hurt to eat one every day! But I am not even hungry for about two hours after I get up in the morning. And by that time I am in the middle of a classroom teaching, so it's not exactly possible to eat then. I always drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning as well, because my urologist said I should do that after the kidney stone problem last year. But even getting that down is difficult at times. I actually HATE water. Never drank it before the kidney stone issue. I only drink it because I'm doing everything I can to avoid another kidney stone--it was a HORRIBLE experience. The plus side of it is that it keeps me fairly full when I drink it all day long.

 

Another problem I have had for the last year is acid reflux, and it is at its worst when I don't eat. So I take a lot of antacids. I'd like to be able to get that under control as well. I keep thinking that if I ever do manage to lose weight, a lot of these problems will disappear. I hope so.

[umbo]

Hey dude I have the same problem married 7 years wife has put on the pounds been faithful, gainfully employed wife weighs in the two hundreds at 5 feet 6 inches. Boobs are a g! No kids no sex life and no weight loss. Now I am 6 feet 3 inches 260lbs I put on about 35 pounds since leaving the army however I joined Lifetime fitness. My wife however has made me finace countless weightloss diets and programs.

[Guest]

Justtina it sounds to me like your not eating enough food. Possibly your body is compensating by going into starvation mood where it keeps hold of all its food stores and fat just in case there is no more food.

 

You possibly need more fibre in your diet. Try cereal rather than a banana for breakfast, bananas are a complex carbohydrate so that quite a long time to be metabolised by the body. Make sure your salads at lunch have plenty of protein in them like boiled eggs, beans, legums, fish or chicken etc and lots of green lettuce for the iron and folate.

 

I'd give up food diaries, they will just make you feel bad. I'd also visit a nutritionalist as they can advise you better and give you good recipes. You could also try a naturopath - mine completely changed my life (had bad insomina). I found think GPs are not open to alternative thearpies and not specialised in diet related issues - compared to a nutritionalist.

 

Good luck

[Guest]

I don't know about you but it seems to me that I would have a real hard time finding the motivation to loose weight if my husbands very desire for me was the reason behind it. In fact, I wouldn't really desire *him* much if he loved me so little that the physical aspect meant that much to him. If he ever said he was "disgusted" with me physically I doubt I would ever be able to love him entirely, ever. I would never be able to trust that he would love me through thick and thin if something so little as that disgusted him. When I hit 45-50ish am I going to have to get a boob job when my breasts aren't so perky? How about wrinkles? surely those will have to go too?

 

Its not about "caring so little about myself that I allow myself to gain weight" - I've read that over and over and it makes me laugh every time. I beleive that those relationships that put physical attraction in such high standing are lacking many major beautiful things that come along with a real loving relationship.

 

I have been overweight my whole life, usually only by 50 lbs or so, but when I married my husband I weighed 220lbs (5'3 is my height) and the highest I've been in our marriage is 260lbs (yes, I've been very heavy - stayed that way for 3 of the 7 years we've been together). He is one of those "eats what he wants and still can't gain 2 lbs. (he weighs about 135lbs, 5'11 height)

 

I lost weight because I *wanted* to lose weight for me, because I felt uncomfortable with the extra exhaustion and I just wanted to have more energy. My husband has only every mentioned my weight in 2 ways. He was worried that I might develope diabetes because it runs in my family, but the only other thing he had to say about my weight is how well I wear it, and how sexy he finds my "curves".

 

He never ever asked me to lose weight, but when I decided that I wanted to he was excited about getting involved in it with me. We biked everywhere together, switched all the food in the house, and drink only water. He helped me figure out what kind of program I would like to go on for excersize, when I told him I enjoy swimming most we found a pool and I swim 3 times a week for about an hour (sometimes 45 mins if I swim faster then normal, I get a certain amount of laps in per day)

 

When I've been tempted by an ice cream sundae or some other sweets and my husband wanted to help my will power, he would sometimes add at the end of it "You know, I don't want you to think that I am doing this for me, I just know you will regret it later - so I am trying to help you second-guess yourself on what you really want to do" or something like "You'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me no matter what" It reminded me what I was focused on - losing weight to feel more energized! Not for him, or you, or my mom, or for random people on the street to make me feel attractive. I was doing it for ME! Which made the risk of eatting that sundae that much less appealing.

 

My husband and I do everything together (we haven't been 1 whole day apart since we married) which goes against what most relationships say about "seeing too much of one another" or "needing space" so I suppose we do have an odd relationship. - still - I feel that any man or woman whos spouse wants them to lose weight specifically (or *mainly*) for sex appeal and status is going to be fairly surprised when they hit 70 or 80 years old and finds out that you indeed will not be beautiful forever.

 

If you have to constantly work to keep your spouse happy physically then you are taking that effort away from the effort you could be spending bonding on many other different levels. Ones that will be there regardless of how age and time masacres your physical features.

[LVspecB]

If you have to constantly work to keep your spouse happy physically then you are taking that effort away from the effort you could be spending bonding on many other different levels. Ones that will be there regardless of how age and time masacres your physical features.

Well, if you can't fight Mother Nature, why bother with make up? Or perfume? Why not just passively let the ravages of time take their course?

 

It's not about acheiving some ultra-thin ideal but about committing to the relationship that you owe each other certain things. Whether or not some like it, a "vow" implies an obligation to the other person involved. Hopefully, it's a debt you take on willingly because it carries with it an understanding that the things we do no longer affect just ourselves. Lose your job? Someone else (and if you have a family, more than one someone else) also is affected. Become an addict? Someone else is affected. Sleep with a stranger? Someone else is affected.

 

Let your weight, appearance and health go? Guess what, in a marriage, someone else is affected...

 

LVspecB

[Guest]

A wife and a husband have an obligation to each other with in the confines of marriage vows to look as attractive and beautiful as possible. Men as we know are attracted visually first usually. When a spouse gains weight there is no reason why that can't be brought up as a marital issue.

[FrogWart]

You know what? She KNOWS she's fat. I think the lack of sexual interest isn't the weight itself, but rather her reaction to it (hiding in the bathroom to dress). There is no bigger turn off that a lack of self esteem. But obvioulsy you care about this woman and even though she's a size 22, want intimacy with her. Why don't you have a heart to heart with her to find out how you can help her with what's bothering her. The weight is just a symptom of the real issue. Work with her and if you get to the bottom of it and then she is able to start eating healthy and excercising - do it with her. THEN see what happens in the bedroom! I'm just hoping your middle aged heart can take it!

 

Good luck man!