should i go for it or not?

[tortured artist]

this may be a long post, but i feel i need to lay out

 

all the information so someone (hopefully) can give some

 

advice.

 

this past June, my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me.

 

we lived together in a house that we bought and renovated.

 

It seemed like a separation to me at the time..and we agreed

 

that i would move downstairs into the 1st floor apartment,

 

and we would stay friends, and keep the house together.

 

a week later, i found out that she was seeing someone..and

 

probably had been up to something before we had broken up.

 

when i confronted her about this, (i did not blow up, but i

 

was definitely hurt) she lied about it, and then shut me out and things disintegrated very rapidly. I ended up moving out and we did not speak for a long time. I became depressed and felt pretty awful for quite awhile. It was my first heartbreak i suppose. I still miss her, but i know its over

 

and ive accepted it.

 

okay, now on to part two of my saga...

 

in september, a woman who i knew from the music scene here

 

"popped in" to my studio one day to say hi and i could tell

 

that she had heard i was single again. she pursued me for a couple of weeks, and though i was interested in her, i felt

 

that i was not ready for dating or anything like that yet.

 

My bell was still ringing, if you know what i mean, and i was still depressed and hurting.

 

anyway, she invited me to a weekend on an island with her and some friends of hers, and i said no, i had to work.

 

my roomate convinced me that i should just go and have a good time. I decided to go after all, and we had a great time

 

together..really magical (corny, i know--but we were on

 

an island!). we did not have sex, but we kissed and ended

 

up sleeping together. for the next month, we proceeded to

 

start what seemed to be a somewhat exclusive relationship.

 

in my head, i had misgivings..i knew i was still messed up,

 

but it felt so good not to think about all the badness

 

that had been weighing me down. and this girl was really great.

 

a genuinely fascinating person with a great sense of humor and

 

a lovely way about her. anyway, i was awkward and fearful that i would

 

get hurt again, so i held back with her,, i didnt let myself go freely

 

into whatever kind of relationship we would have. it was a problem, and

 

it caused me a ton of stress. Basically, here i was falling in love with

 

a person that i couldnt sustain a relationship with. within a month, we had

 

a 'talk" and we kind of retreated a bit-- she realized that i was not ready,

 

and we decided to be friends "with an edge". that confused me even more, and

 

I ended up telling her i couldnt see her at all anymore. i wanted to be ready

 

and able, but i just couldnt do it.

 

now we talk a couple of times a week, and she calls me to go out once in awhile.

 

we always have a good time, and i still have strong feelings for her, but we arent

 

physical outside of a hug and a peck here and there. I'm feeling better, but im not sure

 

how to deal with my feelings for her. should i try again with her, or avoid seeing her

 

until i'm on top of my game again? she seems to be fine with our current arrangement..

 

but i want more! im afraid that i may be ruining my chances with her by becoming her "pal".

 

any advice? - thanks for listening.. (btw, im 32.. she's 38)

[ParadiseMan]

First of all you should have realosed she came into your life to help you "out" of this other situation with the "ex".

 

Second, persue her now bfeore she gets away. Talk to her and tell her how you feel.

 

Third, understand people come into our lives at times least expected and teach us many things then move on.

 

Fourth, build a great realtionship with this new woman then break up with her and use it like a rebound relationship.

 

Fifth, the next woman you meet you can count on building a great realtionship with.

 

Sixth, do as your heart feels. She may just be testing you as a game with your ex, so play it cool.

[clia]

I think you need to wait until you are on top of your game again if you have strong feelings for this woman. I was in a four year relationship that took me about a year to get over, so I really don't think you are in any way ready to start a new relationship. But I do think you should be honest with her and tell her that once you feel that you are over your ex you would love to pursue something with her. (Believe me, women don't want to get involved with a guy who is hung up on a past relationship. She'll appreciate the honesty.) I don't think you need to avoid seeing her, just maybe see her not so much. Once you've done that, I think you need to move on and try to get yourself over your relationship, whatever it takes, which usually is simply time. That said, most people do have a rebound after a long relationship, so if you don't want this woman to be the rebound, you need to be dating other women. (Seeing what else is out there is a decent way to move on as well.)

this may be a long post, but i feel i need to lay out all the information so someone (hopefully) can give some advice. this past June, my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me. we lived together in a house that we bought and renovated. It seemed like a separation to me at the time..and we agreed that i would move downstairs into the 1st floor apartment, and we would stay friends, and keep the house together. a week later, i found out that she was seeing someone..and probably had been up to something before we had broken up. when i confronted her about this, (i did not blow up, but i was definitely hurt) she lied about it, and then shut me out and things disintegrated very rapidly. I ended up moving out and we did not speak for a long time. I became depressed and felt pretty awful for quite awhile. It was my first heartbreak i suppose. I still miss her, but i know its over and ive accepted it. okay, now on to part two of my saga... in september, a woman who i knew from the music scene here "popped in" to my studio one day to say hi and i could tell that she had heard i was single again. she pursued me for a couple of weeks, and though i was interested in her, i felt that i was not ready for dating or anything like that yet. My bell was still ringing, if you know what i mean, and i was still depressed and hurting.

 

anyway, she invited me to a weekend on an island with her and some friends of hers, and i said no, i had to work. my roomate convinced me that i should just go and have a good time. I decided to go after all, and we had a great time together..really magical (corny, i know--but we were on an island!). we did not have sex, but we kissed and ended up sleeping together. for the next month, we proceeded to start what seemed to be a somewhat exclusive relationship. in my head, i had misgivings..i knew i was still messed up, but it felt so good not to think about all the badness that had been weighing me down. and this girl was really great. a genuinely fascinating person with a great sense of humor and a lovely way about her. anyway, i was awkward and fearful that i would get hurt again, so i held back with her,, i didnt let myself go freely into whatever kind of relationship we would have. it was a problem, and it caused me a ton of stress. Basically, here i was falling in love with a person that i couldnt sustain a relationship with. within a month, we had a 'talk" and we kind of retreated a bit-- she realized that i was not ready, and we decided to be friends "with an edge". that confused me even more, and I ended up telling her i couldnt see her at all anymore. i wanted to be ready and able, but i just couldnt do it. now we talk a couple of times a week, and she calls me to go out once in awhile. we always have a good time, and i still have strong feelings for her, but we arent physical outside of a hug and a peck here and there. I'm feeling better, but im not sure

 

how to deal with my feelings for her. should i try again with her, or avoid seeing her until i'm on top of my game again? she seems to be fine with our current arrangement.. but i want more! im afraid that i may be ruining my chances with her by becoming her "pal".

 

any advice? - thanks for listening.. (btw, im 32.. she's 38)