How to make the husband horny?

[norajane]

I really am angry right now..... keep in mind that I am not really violent but stabbing him in the head with a fork would really be a great thing for me to do right now........ and I am picturing him walking around with a fork jutting out of his head for the rest of his life...... mowing the lawn with the fork in head, naked with fork in head, showering with fork in head, sex with fork in head.............

 

I was once in a diner when the couple at the table next to us got all excited and were threatening each other with the butter knives. I agree with you, though, the fork would do much more damage.

[hotgurl]

You know they always say you can't change anyone but yourself, and that's one of the hardest things to do. Could you change yourself into wanting less romance and fewer compliments and initiation of sex (if you could, that would solve the problem, no?)? It's equally hard for him, I imagine, to suddenly become someone he's not. You can't teach a horse to ride a bicycle...

 

I see what your saying. But I don't know why should a person sacrifice their desire for someone who is not willing to do the same.

 

A lot of people talk about how expectations are the problem. But I think you should have some expectations in a relationship or else you become a doormat. An unhappy fork stabbing, tater shoving doormat.

[norajane]

I see what your saying. But I don't know why should a person sacrifice their desire for someone who is not willing to do the same.

 

A lot of people talk about how expectations are the problem. But I think you should have some expectations in a relationship or else you become a doormat. An unhappy fork stabbing, tater shoving doormat.

 

I don't disagree. I think we all have to weigh our expectations and which of them can and can't be met by someone...and then decided whether we can live with it or not. Sometimes the answer is NOT.

[a4a]

You know they always say you can't change anyone but yourself, and that's one of the hardest things to do. Could you change yourself into wanting less romance and fewer compliments and initiation of sex (if you could, that would solve the problem, no?)? It's equally hard for him, I imagine, to suddenly become someone he's not. You can't teach a horse to ride a bicycle...

 

I don't expect him to change..... never did.

 

But you see he keeps the lies rolling. I am going to do this or that..... I want to do this or that for you..... blah blah blah blah. Over 8 months of it. I hear "this is not who I am" " I want to give you everything"..... apparently lies from his mouth.

 

And no way in hell am I willing to waste my time and life with a selfish prick.

I certainly don't need a man. I think he just does a great job of manipulating me with guilt and short bursts of his "changes".

 

But I could teach a horse to ride a bicycle.... hummm new challenge I must try this!

 

See I don't get this attitude...... I should forget about what I want and change myself..... why because he is a man and they are too stupid or stubborn to change.....or too good to change. I don't buy into the man is just the way a man is.... otherwise they would all walk around with their penis in hand with a porn mag in the other 24/7.

 

Bottom line..... it is now my way or the highway. There is no sense is sticking this out and for me to be obligated and to take care of a person who does not give a rats ass about what I need or want.

 

This is not about a woman who needs a man to tell her she is pretty.... **** I can walk out the door and hear that. I expect a return on my devotion, time, and care. He has sucked me dry. (in a non sexual way)

[a4a]

I see what your saying. But I don't know why should a person sacrifice their desire for someone who is not willing to do the same.

 

.

 

More so when they say they want to or will or they are trying........

 

Like I told him...

 

When I walk out the door you have a crystal clear understanding of why I did.

 

October may be too far off for me to wait for.

[hotgurl]

Well if it's too far off wy don't you move to your home and have a seperation until October and then decided whether to divorce or not.

 

You have been unhappy with this for a while now. Maybe write a letter stating why you a leaving list points etc.. pack up and leave.

[Becoming]

a4a--My H's debt from a failed business all but cost me my future. There I was having just started a PhD program with two babies and his $100k+ debt. I took the creditors' calls. I managed to keep us out of bankruptcy. If I asked him to pay the bills, it didn't get done.

 

There was a hole in our ceiling from storm damage to our roof covered by insurance that I refused to fix because he said he would take care of all the insurance claims to get it done and he didn't. For over a year, there was a 3' hole in the bathroom ceiling. Finally, I gave him a deadline on the roof. He didn't meet it, and I took his babies and left. We didn't have the money, but I spent the night in a hotel, pretending it was a fun trip for the girls (like they're 1 and 3, what do they know?) I had no family, no friends in the area. I was scared and alone in a cheap hotel with two babies, my whole future at stake.

 

He got the roof fixed the next day. I went back home.

 

Oh, hell, I'm writing this still and crying. Obviously, it's still an issue. It sucks that you have to do all of this to get your H to WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING ALREADY! But there it is. The only way my H gets it is to leave him,with me saying I don't want to do this, but your inaction leaves me no option.

 

Seriously, get the book on How to Live with a Passive Aggressive Man. You have a tough one here. The thing is, these guys are usually great in every other way. They feel powerless to do anything, so they don't. They're still little kids in their mind. And in many ways they are.

 

Rationally, I knew I should leave my H. Financially, if I wanted the PhD, I couldn't. So I shut him out, used him for sex and a paycheck and moved ahead with my life.

 

He, of course, blamed me for the bad relationship since I was just using him and proceeded to have an email affair, after which I threw him out. This was when I was completing course work on the degree. Again, everything I'd worked for was at stake. Our girls were still little. I knew I'd have to raise them on my own because I couldn't depend on him to actually come through with anything. Apologetic, he returned. I let him under some conditions that he didn't really follow through on, at which point I withdrew again. By this time, I had a job and a dissertation to complete, and it was his turn to be primary caretaker for our kids, so I worked myself away from him, having given up on getting anything I wanted from him.

 

Then my father was in ICU and I completely lost it. He was so good to me during that time when he saw I couldn't handle everything that I began to let him back in, only to be faced with the same issue yet again--his utter lack of initiation for anything good regarding us.

 

It was only after he started dealing with his own stuff at my insistence (i.e. threat of leaving at a time when he had no means of support in a new city) that he began to come around.

 

One of the things I did was draw up a flow chart and post it on the frig (how crazy is this?--but it worked) It basically said, "When you do this, this is what I will do." I specified it all out. The consequences were emotional withdrawal to physical withdrawal (sleep in other room) to leave altogether. He was simply not seeing the consequences of his behavior, turning it all around and blaming me instead, and the chart helped. I followed through with it by saying, "I told you that when you did this, this would result. I'm sorry you chose this action because I'd like to be close to you." It helped.

 

I suspect that your H's greatest fear is your abandonment of him. If the carrot doesn't work, you have to use the negative prod of leaving him. Honestly, however old the guy was at the age his mother died is probably what you're dealing with emotionally here. And he's not aware of it so he's incapable of telling you or doing what you want without your help.

 

Leave him for awhile and tell him you'll come back when he's actively working on his issues in therapy, seeing him only when you want to. Trust his love of you to be stronger than his fear. You have the power in this relationship. Use it for good, even if that means doing something he cannot see as good right now.

 

At the end of the day, it comes down to how badly you want him and this marriage--is it worth all the work it's gonna take? Because these guys are like a major project house. At the end, you could have a showcase home that far exceeds your expectations or a half-finished time and money-pit that you wish you'd never seen. There's a place in home restoration where it's decision time--do we go forward with the mess we have or just cut our losses and walk away? It sounds like you're there.

 

You can do this. Do you want to? Because it's a LOT of work. And his issues are opening up all of yours, which is hellish if not managed well. (Trust me on that one!) But I really think this guy may hold the key to your deep healing and that you hold the key to his as well. But you'd better fasten your seatbelt because it's gonna be a bumpy ride for awhile.

 

Basically, you're breaking in a very stubborn wild horse.

[a4a]

Well I don't think it is worth the effort and I don't have kids or money to worry about. I am burned out.

 

Let him read the f-ing books.... he is not my problem to fix any more.

 

I do have moving and timeline problems tho.

 

So thinking I will stick it out here until Oct. that will give me time to get the ground broke for the new house..... focus on that. Cut off the money and support to him 100%. I am sure I will still use his Gumby services

 

I have about 9 horses I have to move... and 6 dogs .... and 3 pigs...... plus pack up the things that belong to me that I actually want.

 

I tell you I hate that part more than the fact of just leaving him.

 

It took him forever to talk me into moving my things here. At least I have not yet moved the horseasaurus's as of yet....... sheesh..... that would really be a tough part of the move. Dart guns and giant trucks involved.

 

bastard is calling me now.............

[Becoming]

I agree with hotgurl that you're not going to be able to wait until Oct. I think you need to tell him you need a revision in the plan. When he balks, and he WILL balk, remind him that you gave him two deadlines that he missed already and that you're sorry, you overestimated the amount of patience that you have.

 

Seriously, he's 10 and you're the mother he never had. It makes no logical sense, but emotional sense. (Curious, my H was 10 when his doting mother finally had another child.) Of course, you're throwing tantrums like a 2-year old (in your head and with LS, if not with him), which is about where your emotional development may be stuck, too, despite your obvious logical capabilities.

 

Kids at ten are really into behavior modification charts. Legalisms. Fairness. When we set up an actual visual love bank in our house in clear jars so that he could see what counted and what caused withdrawal, it helped my H get the connection.

 

You may not like it (I don't), but he actually needs you to be his mother and teach him this. Of course, he'd rather have blissfully silent sex with no problems . . .

[hotgurl]

Why are guys so indecisive and procrastonate all the time. My BF is like this as well. It's drives me mad.

[a4a]

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Becoming it sounds like you had to call Super Nanny on your H! :lmao:

 

Now go sit in the thinking chair and think about what you did wrong.......

 

I know I will give my H the marble treatment...... being good gets you a marble and being naughty takes a marble away....... when you save up 12 marbles you can have nascar tickets....... :lmao:

 

 

I am not making fun of you...... I just don't think I feel like dealing with a nearly 40 year old child. Life is short and I like to live it to its fullest.

 

He called to ask how I was feeling I replied "pissed of course"

He says he gave the ticket order to his friend......but have not gotten the full story..his other line had a call had to hang up.. my guess he is just letting the friend handle the order so I don't see it. (doh!! dummy me would not think he would do that )

[Becoming]

Well I don't think it is worth the effort and I don't have kids or money to worry about. I am burned out.

 

Let him read the f-ing books.... he is not my problem to fix any more.

 

 

And that, too, is part of the plan--expecting him to act like an adult and holding him to it.

 

Best wishes, a4a. You're a great person. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

Thanks for helping me see some things I haven't wanted to see as well--for what it's worth.

[Becoming]

Becoming it sounds like you had to call Super Nanny on your H! :lmao:

 

Now go sit in the thinking chair and think about what you did wrong.......

 

:lmao: I know! You're right! :laugh:

 

I am not making fun of you...... I just don't think I feel like dealing with a nearly 40 year old child. Life is short and I like to live it to its fullest.

 

I understand. It's true, that's what sucks. But that's what he needed, what came with the marriage package and what I thought needed to be done for us. Honestly, me stepping into the mother role may have made matters worse and your approach of expecting him to be an adult and leaving when he refuses to do the work marriage requires may be the best. It's still an option I'm considering and would have done if I didn't have children and a huge project house that's not done to sell.

 

H's coming around, though, so I'm watching and waiting still, cautiously hopeful.

 

Thanks for some good therapy for me at your expense. (Sorry! )

[hotgurl]

I don't know that sounds like an awful lot of work. I personally would want a partner not another child. good luck a4a in whatever you decide.

[a4a]

May I add that not every person runs about with weeping childhood wounds.

 

His mom died..... ya know .......so what. Cruel.... maybe? But he had a great childhood without her. He did not go without.

 

You skin your knees throughout life you face tough things .......you learn from them and you move on.

 

I truly think much of society ends up crippled emotionally and mentally thinking that every skinned knee or hurt feeling should in some way be analyzed and hold great meaning for every future day in your life.

 

Figure out why you do what you do make the decision to change or not and live with the outcome of the decision you make.

 

It is all how you look at it and how you desire to ALLOW it to effect you.

 

Fine example: I just tracked 3 lost horses for 2 days .... exhausting, hard physical work, blew my knee out, mental stress big time..... but I did it and honed my skills doing it, learned how to deal with people better, got more confidence in my skills, and hell I lost 4 LBs in 2 days doing it...... so overall a bad thing turned into something great.

 

I have a great tale to tell because of it.

[a4a]

Why are guys so indecisive and procrastonate all the time. My BF is like this as well. It's drives me mad.

 

gift wrap him a tater.........

 

Maybe we could get the two of them together and have them build a tree fort together........ hell it would only take a couple of years for them to decide which tree to put it in.

 

Do it! Do it now!

 

OMG I have said this to him....... and not in a sexual way!

[hotgurl]

gift wrap him a tater.........

 

Maybe we could get the two of them together and have them build a tree fort together........ hell it would only take a couple of years for them to decide which tree to put it in.

 

Do it! Do it now!

 

OMG I have said this to him....... and not in a sexual way!

 

Ha HA isn't that the truth mine would take the first six months to reaserch the proper kind of trees to put the fort in sunlight angles wind resistance, design, compare lumber types vs cost etc..etc...

 

I guess a least he does something. It took him 4 months to research wood stoves, compare blah blah. Then another month to pick from the top two and he kept going back and forth!

[a4a]

Ha HA isn't that the truth mine would take the first six months to reaserch the proper kind of trees to put the fort in sunlight angles wind resistance, design, compare lumber types vs cost etc..etc...

 

I guess a least he does something. It took him 4 months to research wood stoves, compare blah blah. Then another month to pick from the top two and he kept going back and forth!

 

 

Mine does that but for him it is because he says he cannot see the final result unless over analyzed. Like our new hardwood floors that still are not installed or ordered for the master bedroom.......

 

It it like grocery shopping ......no strategy for him... he goes here and there back tracks for the bread and would put the ice cream in the cart first to sit and melt while he continues to shop

 

Me....... no list but go from aisle to aisle skipping the aisles I know I have no need to get anything from. I can get a full load of $300 worth of groceries in 30 minutes or less minus checkout time.

 

H 1 hour for $50 in groceries.

 

He also runs off and gets lost..... then I have to do a search and rescue mission to find him so we can leave. First words out of my mouth when entering the store "don't run off" Then he runs off in about 10 minutes.

 

Shopping with him just pisses me off big time!

[hotgurl]

Mine does that but for him it is because he says he cannot see the final result unless over analyzed. Like our new hardwood floors that still are not installed or ordered for the master bedroom.......

 

It it like grocery shopping ......no strategy for him... he goes here and there back tracks for the bread and would put the ice cream in the cart first to sit and melt while he continues to shop

 

Me....... no list but go from aisle to aisle skipping the aisles I know I have no need to get anything from. I can get a full load of $300 worth of groceries in 30 minutes or less minus checkout time.

 

H 1 hour for $50 in groceries.

 

He also runs off and gets lost..... then I have to do a search and rescue mission to find him so we can leave. First words out of my mouth when entering the store "don't run off" Then he runs off in about 10 minutes.

 

Shopping with him just pisses me off big time!

 

I don't know what it is fear. Or a driving need for perfection. I know he needs to have everything done right. But it does take forever.

 

We are fianlly putting the insulation in. He nearly drove himself crazy with that because there is so much conflicting advice. But it had to be done the right way.

 

maybe if we threw them in the woods they might think more quickly.

[a4a]

 

maybe if we threw them in the woods they might think more quickly.

 

That is quite true. I think they would be able to work under pressure better.

True of my H if forced to make a decision he will.

 

Funny story..... I don't know what made me do this but I did....

H was driving and we finished getting gas.... he was moving slow getting back into the truck.....

 

I looked at him and said : "Hurry up lets get out of here!" like it was really urgent.

 

He stopped dead, wanted to know why I wanted to hurry, asking 5 questions while we just sat there......

 

I just kept saying ......come on lets get out of here now! Just go.....

 

We sat there more with him wanting to know WHY???

 

I finally said I was testing him to see if he would pay attention just in case the people at the gas station all suddenly turned into zombies and he was not aware of it but I was. (we watched a really bad zombie movie the night before)

 

Obviously we would have been eaten by zombies because he had to know freaking WHY? we had to hurry and leave.

 

Trust issue??? Hummm....... makes ya wonder. But I now know if zombies are ever near I should always drive not him.

[Mz. Pixie]

My H had massive debt so his funds go towards that mostly. So I pitch in my own cash plus I pay for the care and feed for 40 plus animals (my job). And I still have my house and land which I am subdividing and building on very soon.

 

 

Wait, he has massive debt- yet he can buy nascar tickets??? And he doesn't have $5.00 for something for you for your birthday?? He is a freaking ass!

 

He is not the one to bankroll the tickets- he should have picked someone else to do that.

 

My exH would go out and lease land and then we'd have to pay it- and others would pay us back. I was like F no they won't. Someone else can bankroll this endeavor- not me.

 

WTF?? He's lucky you don't list those tickets on EBAY.

 

Seriously, if you can't buy your wife a present- all fun stuff for you is cut out.

 

But this is so much like my exh. Spend 40-150 per weekend on hobbie stuff- gas for the truck, snacks for deercamp, hotel fees to fish but then never worry about shoes for the kids or whether or not I had gas money.

 

This shxt is burning me up because I'm having super flashbacks!

 

I'm so f n glad I left him!

[a4a]

Wait, he has massive debt- yet he can buy nascar tickets??? And he doesn't have $5.00 for something for you for your birthday?? He is a freaking ass!

 

He is not the one to bankroll the tickets- he should have picked someone else to do that.

 

My exH would go out and lease land and then we'd have to pay it- and others would pay us back. I was like F no they won't. Someone else can bankroll this endeavor- not me.

 

WTF?? He's lucky you don't list those tickets on EBAY.

 

Seriously, if you can't buy your wife a present- all fun stuff for you is cut out.

 

But this is so much like my exh. Spend 40-150 per weekend on hobbie stuff- gas for the truck, snacks for deercamp, hotel fees to fish but then never worry about shoes for the kids or whether or not I had gas money.

 

This shxt is burning me up because I'm having super flashbacks!

 

I'm so f n glad I left him!

 

:lmao:

So glad I could help you remember your XH in such a fond way

 

He is about $40,000 in debt overall.

 

And yes now you see why I am pissed about the silly tickets. And you know he does not spend money on hobbies or himself in general.....but he would not go without food so I could eat..... nor does he worry about me and my financial needs for the animals or for that matter if I do have any gas in the car.

 

Bastard still has not called back..... I guess my asking about the tickets pissed him off........ boo hoo..... lil boy can't go to the racey wacey with his widdle friends...... watch his buddy is ordering them for him.

[a4a]

well of course I am right!

 

Gumby jerk had his buddy buy or front the tickets as an invoice just magically appeared here via email for $606 paid with Visa.

 

I called Gumby and he acted like he really did not know much about it. That his friend just purchased $200 worth of tickets for him even though he said he would not be going.

 

Sweet........

 

real sweet

[hotgurl]

well of course I am right!

 

Gumby jerk had his buddy buy or front the tickets as an invoice just magically appeared here via email for $606 paid with Visa.

 

I called Gumby and he acted like he really did not know much about it. That his friend just purchased $200 worth of tickets for him even though he said he would not be going.

 

Sweet........

 

real sweet

 

Man Ihate the lying and screwing with money crap. My ex was like that. Oh honey I paid the rent don't worry about.

 

Sorry not the same. $40,000 that's a lot of debt.

 

a4a lets ditch the guys and start another hot lesbian thread.

[a4a]

Man Ihate the lying and screwing with money crap. My ex was like that. Oh honey I paid the rent don't worry about.

 

Sorry not the same. $40,000 that's a lot of debt.

 

a4a lets ditch the guys and start another hot lesbian thread.

 

Yeah but it could be wiped out within 6 months if he would listen to me.

 

My debt total as of right now is $0. Besides my mort. and truck.

 

Well needless to say I am livid beyond compare to anything I have ever experienced in my life.

 

He says his buddy paid for the tickets and got his $200 ticket even though he told him not to.

 

I told the H not to come home because if he does that means I am going out and I am not in a good state of mind to properly restrain myself if someone else shows me any form of good attention In other words I might want to get bendy with another gumby guy.

 

I did say if he does come home he best enter the door on his hands and knees...... OMG I am so mad I did say that.

 

Then I told him to go take some other byotch out for dinner on our anniversary...... OMG.

 

If I acted out on how angry I am right now I think the entire house would be in a rubble pile within minutes.

 

I must admit I am shocked at how vicious I feel.... and it won't go away.

 

I gotta chill...... but very difficult to do so.... the stupid things he said.... unreal... what a tard.