Jealous of his past

[YankGirl]

I am in a relationship with a man whom I love. He treats me with respect and honesty, and things seem to be great. He has an innocent youthful look about him and has told me he's not been with many women. Though I do not know the exact number, this made me feel comfortable being intimate with him, I figured we could learn and explore new things together. Being 99% sure that he had never participated in a threesome, I felt the confidence to ask last night. I assumed he would say "no", but admitted to having one with two females, and said it was great. My heart pounded, my eyes welt up with tears, and I felt sick. All this was over the phone, so he has no clue I'm upset.

 

I realize that what's in the past is in the past...he can't change it...and it has nothing to do with me. I know I am being immature and too jealous, but the thought of him with two women at once is consuming me. It's crazy I know, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I am making bogus excuses of being busy so that I don't have to see him. I love him so much, but sex with him now seems out of the question. Why?? I was on cloud nine just days ago. I think it's lame to be angry at him, or try to make him feel bad, so I probably will not bring this up to him. This is something I need to figure out myself, but I doubt I can get over it.

 

None of my friend see the big deal, I'm not sure why I do. If any of you have felt this way, or can offer some advice...PLEASE.

 

Thanks

[Adunaphel]

What is *exactly* reason you are feeling so upset?

 

Is it picturing him in your mind with two woman that makes you jealous?

Or jealousy does not come into play here, and you are questioning his morality?

Perhaps you are worried that 'normal' sex would not be enough for him after a threesome? Do you associate the idea of being able to having a threesome to the idea of being a cheater or not respecting women?

 

I don't think you are immature. Quite a lot of women would not be confortable after learning such a thing.

[KLG]

Does your past affect how you feel about him? If not, why can't it be the same for him?

[littlekitty]

What is *exactly* reason you are feeling so upset?

 

Is it picturing him in your mind with two woman that makes you jealous?

Or jealousy does not come into play here, and you are questioning his morality?

Perhaps you are worried that 'normal' sex would not be enough for him after a threesome? Do you associate the idea of being able to having a threesome to the idea of being a cheater or not respecting women?

 

I don't think you are immature. Quite a lot of women would not be confortable after learning such a thing.

 

I agree. You need to understand what is hurting you so much about this?

 

People have pasts. We all do, some more colourful than others. But isn't that what makes us who we are. I can understand how you feel, and if you really can't cope with this knowledge on a morality or jealousy basis, then you need to move on. But it seems a shame to lose a wonderful man, simply because he experimented in his past.

 

I'd rather have someone who had experimented and got it all out of their system!

[YankGirl]

Thank you for your replies. I just keep picturing it, MY man with four female hands pleasing him. I will do anything to get over this. Maybe I do fear that 'normal' sex will never compare in his eyes...

I must admit, I have always been curious about a threesome myself, but never have. Having one with him is obviously out of the question however

 

I should be glad he has it out of his system, he even said it was. But, I'm not.

[Adunaphel]

Thank you for your replies. I just keep picturing it, MY man with four female hands pleasing him. I will do anything to get over this. Maybe I do fear that 'normal' sex will never compare in his eyes...

I must admit, I have always been curious about a threesome myself, but never have. Having one with him is obviously out of the question however

 

I should be glad he has it out of his system, he even said it was. But, I'm not.

 

The most important thing is that he is no longer interested in this sort of stuff.

 

Try to concentrate on the fact that when the threesome happened you weren't together - or did not even know each other. So he wasn't your man back then.

Good memories of his exes should make you feel more jealous than a threesome - well, actually they shouldn't, if the exes are exes!

 

Was this threesome just sex, or was he in a relationship with one of the ladies? If it was, as I guess, just sex, then there is really no reason to be jealous of women that weren't special to him.

 

And I don't think he will ever compare it to normal sex with a person he loves. I am not a guy, but I'd guess that the most exciting part of being in a threesome is ..well, knowing that you are capable of "handling" two horny women... and the consequent macho feeling.

If it comes to physical pleasure, you can get much more from normal sex.

[norajane]

I don't see threesomes as anything but 'just sex'. Really, how can they be otherwise? There's no deep emotional intimacy there; it's not any different from him having 'just sex' with two women separately.

 

I would have a much harder time with a guy who told me he had the most amazing, deeply emotional, intimately connected sex with an ex. That's so much more meaningful and hard to come by than naked bodies. Even so, unless he was talking about it all the time and comparing, I probably wouldn't give it much thought. It was in the past, and clearly something was off or he'd be with her now.

[electric_sheep]

This kind of thing comes up literally all the time. Many people are jealous of their lovers past sexual escapades. I consider myself an expert on the matter, in fact.

 

Try googling around on "retroactive jealousy". It's certainly likely to bug you for a while, but it's something you can probably get over.

 

The thing I would be worried about though is what his motivation was for telling you ? Was he truly ignorant, and didn't realize it would upset you ? Or did he in fact get a little sadistic kick out of knowing he was going to ruffle your feathers. This is something you should seriously think about.

 

I dated a girl that used to actually lie and embellish her sexual past for the purpose of getting under my skin. It was all a power thing for her. A tic for tac emotional tug-of-war. She used to feign like she didn't realize such conversations could be damaging. Fact was she knew all along, and was just really immature. That may or may not be the case for your man.

 

I do find it slightly hard to believe he couldn't have known his answer would upset you, and if that's the case he was at the very least insensitive.

 

I participated in a 3some once, btw, and there is no way in hell I would ever tell a prospective girlfriend that.

 

p.s.

Let me add a little more here. After thinking about it a bit, if he just came right out with that without any hesitation or prodding, there are really only a couple of possibilities:

 

1) His emotional IQ is very low, and he is not very empathic/sensitive.

2) He is playing emotional games with you.

 

I'm not sure either possibility is really good. If he gave you a warning, asked "do you really want to know ?", or you had to drag it out of him, then the responsibility lies with you. Anyone who is not emotionally retarded would at least hesitate and think for a second before coming out with something like that. You may be able to gleam some insight from the tone of his answer too. Did he let you know gently, or did he gloat ?

[electric_sheep]

p.s.

 

If you are convinced there was no malice in him telling you, and this is still bugging the crap out of you in a couple of weeks, pm me and I can email/send you something I wrote on getting over retroactive jealousy. I found it was very helpful for me when my girlfriend told me her ex was a better f**k than me.

 

If you decern a little bitterness in that last sentence you would be correct.

 

Some stuff you have to "get over" many, many times before you're really over it.

[virtualkat]

Unfortunately, I think you're learning from a mistake that a lot of us have made... asking questions about our partner's sexual history. Luckily, it's a mistake you only make once.

 

I had a boyfriend who had a long sexual history, while I was a virgin when we started going out. I asked him all the usual questions - how many girls had he been with, what was the craziest thing he had done, where was the craziest place he had done it. At first I smiled and laughed, but it haunted me for a loooooooooooong time... I felt like I couldn't compare, and every time we were intimate I was embarassed that I probably sucked compared to all the girls he had been with. Eventually I recovered, but it wasn't an easy battle.

 

I'm with someone else now, and since I was friends with his ex I know that they were trying to have a threesome at one point, though I have no idea if they went through with it or not. And you know what? I don't want to know. I'm happy to live in my little world pretending that it didn't, regardless or reality. I know all too well what the knowledge would do to me and I don't need to deal with that again, as I'm sure you understand...

 

All this to say that you're not alone, that retroactive jealousy is natural and quite common, it eventually goes away, and we learn from it. Just try to put it out of your mind and maybe focus on non-sexual things in your relationship for a while, you may be surprised how quickly your hormones will outweigh your jealousy and you guys can be intimate again.

 

Oh, and one last thing - ask anyone you know about threesomes, and if they're honest, they'll admit that a threesome is a pathetic last attempt to revive a dead sex-life in a dwindling relationship. It's usually awkward, uncomfortable, and dissapointing. Most people fantasize about it at one point or another, some go through with it, most who do will brag about it - but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Honest.

[superconductor]

It's usually awkward, uncomfortable, and dissapointing. Most people fantasize about it at one point or another, some go through with it, most who do will brag about it - but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Honest.

I second vk's quote.

 

Trust me on this: Sometimes wanting is better than having.

[maleet]

My boyfriend has had a threesome in the past. i am not jealous because this is before we had met. He does not like me talking about my exs and I dont like him talking about a certain female (i just posted my first thread if anyone cares)

[Guest]

The same thing happened here. My now husband admitted to having one years ago. I didn't know him at the time, but it still bothers me. I can't tell you how many times I wonder if I will ever be enough. Telling me intimate details about his past was beyond insensitive. He knows to never bring those things up again. Most importantly, I remind myself that sex is just sex. Animals do it. It means nothing. What is the most important thing is the love two people share for each other. I can recall quite a few "relationships" with men that were just based on sex. To be honest I can barely remember their names. To know that I am love the love of my husband's life... that is what matters.

[Loserdude]

Well, I think those kinds of questions are dangerous. I never ask those sorts unless I am fully prepared to hear the answer and I rarely answer them myself. Before I do, I ask if the person really wants to know the answer. I strongly feel this is dangerous territory, as you are now experiencing. You should try hard to discipline yourself not to obsess over the thought of him in the situation.

[rochskier]

I'm also having issues with this topic. I've had relations with 8 women, and 1 or 2 of those were one-night stands. I don't regret them, but I also don't think they are the greatest thing ever. I also don't brag about these things to any of my family, friends, or partners.

 

I got engaged about a year ago, and in the interest of honesty I described my past to my fiancee. She was very concerned to know if "I loved them all" and if "I remembered all their names". Much to my chagrin the answer to both questions was "No".

 

This disclosure really seemed to bother her at the time, but she claimed that she could get over it with effort. Well, we were just at my cousin's wedding, and she brought this up during the reception. She is also concerned that I have been with Asian women, and she says she can't stop thinking about me with other people. It doesn't seem like she's made much progress in a year.

 

On the flip side, she has an ex in the area that she sometimes has dinner with, goes to movies with, and sees fairly frequently at the college where she is adjunct teaching. I have never brought this up as a source of concern because I love her, care for her, and have a high level of trust in her.

 

I was also annoyed when she began comparing how we got engaged versus how my cousin did it. She was impressed with the best's man's story of laying out all kinds of roses and waiting for her at their apartment. She said I would never do anything like that for her.

 

Well, we got engaged at a wine bar to a standing ovation. I don't think that's too awful or forgettable, but apparently she disagrees. I just don't know what to do with her anymore. I can raise all the counterpoints I wan't, but I realize there is no way I can make her change. She has to decided that for herself.

[nicki]

I agree. It's better not to ask. And it's best not to divulge that kind of information.

 

I had a boyfriend who asked me if I had ever done a certain kind of sexual act. I had, but there's no way I would have admitted that to him.

 

I knew it would give him mental pictures of another man and I sharing something new that my boyfriend thought he and I would first do together.

 

I just smiled and said I would love to "try" that with him. That's my line and I'm sticking to it.

 

No harm, no foul.

[Loserdude]

I got engaged about a year ago, and in the interest of honesty I described my past to my fiancee. She was very concerned to know if "I loved them all" and if "I remembered all their names". Much to my chagrin the answer to both questions was "No".

 

"In the interest of honesty" ? Listen, just because there is aJerry Springer doesn't mean it's smart. If you told her these things in response to her actual question(s), then yes, you did them "in the interest of honesty" but I suspect that you just volunteered them. That, my friend, is not "in the interest of honesty," what that is more closely is simply dumping guilt or harbored feelings on your current GF. I always am the victim of this. My recent girlfriend loved to "be honest" with me. Some things were important for her (like how she was raped) but some things were just pointless and hurtful and not stuff I asked about or wanted to know.

 

I wish I could meet a girl like Nicki, frankly, because she has the intelligence and sensitivity to know what is relevant to today and what should remain in the past.

[rochskier]

"In the interest of honesty" ? Listen, just because there is aJerry Springer doesn't mean it's smart. If you told her these things in response to her actual question(s), then yes, you did them "in the interest of honesty" but I suspect that you just volunteered them. That, my friend, is not "in the interest of honesty," what that is more closely is simply dumping guilt or harbored feelings on your current GF. I always am the victim of this. My recent girlfriend loved to "be honest" with me. Some things were important for her (like how she was raped) but some things were just pointless and hurtful and not stuff I asked about or wanted to know.

 

I wish I could meet a girl like Nicki, frankly, because she has the intelligence and sensitivity to know what is relevant to today and what should remain in the past.

 

Hold up with the premature judgment and trying to lump me in with your recent ex. What I told my fiancee was in response to her questions about my prior experiences. I didn't volunteer anything, and I harbor no guilt about my past because I've done nothing wrong.

 

However, after being bludgeoned with my own responses at random times during the past year I realize that this wasn't the best move ever. I concur with nicki's thought that it's best not to ask or divulge this type of information.

[Loserdude]

Hold up with the premature judgment and trying to lump me in with your recent ex. What I told my fiancee was in response to her questions about my prior experiences. I didn't volunteer anything, and I harbor no guilt about my past because I've done nothing wrong.

 

However, after being bludgeoned with my own responses at random times during the past year I realize that this wasn't the best move ever. I concur with nicki's thought that it's best not to ask or divulge this type of information.

Well, there was no premature judgement, your post was a little ambiguous so I responded. Note the word "if."

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

Was this threesome just sex, or was he in a relationship with one of the ladies? If it was, as I guess, just sex, then there is really no reason to be jealous of women that weren't special to him.

 

That is something I'd really like to explore and maybe it should be a new thread (but I'm new and don't know where to put it...)

 

Why is it women think that if the sex doesn't have any emotional content, like the people aren't in love, it doesn't mean anything? I mean who cares if the women where special to him. Hot damn it was great sex... from the male POV and that's what we were after, not love.

 

It sure would mean somehting to me if my wife had been in a threesome with two guys before she met me, and I had not, regardless if she was in a "relationship" with one or both guys or not....

 

I see on many of the infidelty / cheating posts that women seem to say, it was just sex, I wasn't in love or I'm not in love with the OM now, there wasn't any real emotional connetion or isn't one now - so the sex didn't really count.

 

Are women OK if their man just has sex with the OW? If he's not emotionally attacked that somehow make it OK or better?

 

It's kind of like the women are saying if they cheat, well sure I had sex with they guy but I didn't really love him, and it's over so just take me back. The sex didn't really count, it's not that bad.

 

If my wife cheated on me, I wouldn't care if she loved the guy or not, it was having sex with him that would bother me the most. Yet women seem to say the exact opposite.

[Adunaphel]

Why is it women think that if the sex doesn't have any emotional content, like the people aren't in love, it doesn't mean anything? I mean who cares if the women where special to him. Hot damn it was great sex... from the male POV and that's what we were after, not love.

 

I just meant that if comparing yourself to past girlfriends of your bf is quite pointless and a very bad idea, comparing yourself with someone whom he has not even been in a relationship with is completely pointless and an even worse idea.

I was also thinking that at least she doesn't have to deal with the "my bf has a past of asking his gfs to have a threesome" issue, and that her bf does not necessarily consider women who are willing to have a threesome interesting (or more interesting) to be in a relationship with.

 

It sure would mean somehting to me if my wife had been in a threesome with two guys before she met me, and I had not, regardless if she was in a "relationship" with one or both guys or not....

 

Would you be having jealousy issues, issues with what you pervceive to be her values/morals (or lack of), or "insecurity" issues (as in "will I be enough?").

 

I see on many of the infidelty / cheating posts that women seem to say, it was just sex, I wasn't in love or I'm not in love with the OM now, there wasn't any real emotional connetion or isn't one now - so the sex didn't really count.

 

I think this scenario is unrelated with the OP 's problem.

 

Anyway, the sex *does* count.

A number of women would rather know there were no emotions/love involved, though - I believe it has to do with the fact that least you know that the OW has never been more important to your SO than you are!

Other women would say, though "if he wasn't even in love, and he hurt me cheating on me "just for sex", then it's unforgivable". Flawless logic, if you ask me. I guess it depends on the individual.

 

Are women OK if their man just has sex with the OW?

 

Obviously not. It's quite a no brainer!

 

If he's not emotionally attacked that somehow make it OK or better?

 

For quite a lot of women, it could make it better, or at least easier to deal with.

 

If my wife cheated on me, I wouldn't care if she loved the guy or not, it was having sex with him that would bother me the most. Yet women seem to say the exact opposite.

 

Wouldn't it really make any difference?

What if your wife was in love with another guy, spent a lot quality time with him, was planning to leave you to get together with him but hadn't any sexual physical contact? (perhaps not even kissing?)

[Loserdude]

Google the song, "I scare myself" by D. Hicks. I swear he wrote the lyrics for this situation. THey are vague, but poignant...

[riobikini]

re:

 

YankGirl: " ...I have always been curious about a threesome myself, but never have."

 

YG, -step back and look at this all over again: if you can't handle thinking about his participation in a threesome that was *long before your time* with him -what in the world makes you think you could handle being an active partcipant in one, now?

 

As for how you feel about it -look, lots of women are so fiercely territorial in regards to their partner, that jealousy is always a major issue.

 

I think all of us -men and women, alike- feel *some* measure of "possession" in terms of who "belongs" to whom. Of course, not in the sense that you "own" them -but in regards to whether or not you have an exclusive intimate relationship.

 

In addition, I think it's pretty common for (especially women) to feel a bit more of a "sting" when they hear detailed accounts of intimate relationships from their partner about previous girlfriends.

 

But whether or not you have a real problem with it depends on how big *you allow* it to get.

 

Focusing/obsessing over it only causes you more pain.

 

And jealousy.

 

How to clear up that problem? Start looking at whether or not you have issues relating to trust -or rather *distrust*.

 

And confront the problem that's coming from somewhere inside *you* before you wind up sucking your boyfriend into a personal problem of yours that needed to be resolved long before he ever showed up in the picture.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Above post stated with kindness, though.

 

-Rio

[everlong]

"Being 99% sure that he had never participated in a threesome, I felt the confidence to ask last night"

 

i am confused. why did you ask him this question? it sounded like you were 'curious' because you asked him then got upset because he had done something like that in the past.

 

"I must admit, I have always been curious about a threesome myself, but never have"

 

omg. i read your comment after i posted this - you were curious! lol. so, i guess my question is why would you be upset about something you were curious about? as for disclosing past sexual activities, i think that is part of a healthy relationship. it is part of discovering who the other person is. if you trust and love your partner, you should be able to discuss your initimate thoughts and desires without fear - it builds trust, removes doubts and creates understanding. for example: if you wanted your husband or bf to 'try' something with you, wouldn't it be best to know how they felt about it? as for 3somes, my thoughts are too many cooks in the kitchen spoil what is already a great meal! wink. twosomes are fine with me! lol.