To stay or not??

[InLovebutConfused]

Im sorry this is going to be long but please bare with me!! I have been with my H for 10yrs and Married for 9yrs. We have 2 kids together a 5yr old and a 3yrs old and he has 1 from a previous relationship and she is almost 12.

 

It has been a rocky marriage from the start but I hung in there because I loved him but now Im tired of fighting and Im not in love with him anymore.

 

H is gone almost everynight doing what he wants to do whether it be playing disc golf, working on his motorcycle or other things and when he is home he is either on the computer or laying in bed. So about 6 months ago I started asking for 1 night for me to go out with my friends. When I initially brought it up he said that was fine that I deserved it because I work fulltime and take care of the kids, but when it comes time for that one night he either starts pouting or comes up with some reason on why I can't go out.

 

I told him that he is more than welcome to go with me and he just says no that he doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with the "girls" that he only feels comfortable hanging out with the "guys" and he doesn't do that because he "knows that 1 of 2 things will happen either hes going to end up in a fight or hes going to get hit on by some girls and he doesn't want that to happen". So I just quit asking him to go with me and my friends. So I tried a new approach. I found a sitter on several occasions for us to go out alone and everytime we go out to dinner and he drops me off at home 3 to 4hrs before I told the sitter we'd be home and he goes to do what he wants again.

 

I know if you read my past thread I had an A with my exboss. I quit that job to stop the A and work on my marriage but it seems like my Marriage is getting worse instead of better.

 

The last straw was on our Wedding Anniversary on July 5. H takes the day off for a vacation day and I had to work. He calls me at work and says he wants to take me out for supper and we will go have some fun and that he will use some money he has set aside. I say that sounds good and I found a babysitter to watch the kids until 11pm. I get home from work and we leave for the Restaurant about 5:30pm. We eat and then the check comes. He instantly pushes it towards me and says he didn't bring his money that I will have to pay. Ok fine so I pay the check and we get ready to go. When we get in the car and start driving I ask what he wanted to go do and made a few suggestions. He says "I'm just going to drop you off at home and go down to work, but you going to stay up for me arent you?" I told him that if he was going to drop me off 4hrs early that I as soon as the kids went to sleep I was going to go to bed and thats exactly what I did.

 

The next morning He rips into me because I didn't stay up and wait for him so we can "Have Fun". I told him that I was tired of waiting up for him. That it was about time he started acting like a Husband and Father instead of doing what he wanted all the time that I was tired of being his doormat. He told me he does his part he works fulltime to pay the bills and put food on the table. Oh I lost it. I work fulltime, I take the day off if the kids are sick or for there dr appt or dentist appt. I do the bookkeeping the shopping the laundry. I told him I had had it and he needed to leave so on the 7th he moved out.

 

The 8th he came back and said he was sorry that things would change. I said I would give it one more shot but I wasn't going back to living the way it was. He agreed it would get better and it did for about a week and then he told me that he had been Pu$$y whipped and had done his part for the week and it was time to do what he wanted smiled and hid in the bed room the rest of the day.

 

Needless to say we have had several arguements since then about things and I admit it is not all his fault. I shouldn't have let it go on for so long. Well now he applied for a job 2 hrs from where we currently live. He asked me if he got the job If me and the kids would be going to move with him. I told him I just got out 5yr old registered for school (he starts in 2days) and I wasn't going to pull him out of school and move away from a good job and my friends and family. That maybe next summer when school ended and if I could find a job there we would move. He said that was fine.

 

When he brought this up I had several questions: Why move away from friends, family and a good job when my marriage is on the rocks? Is this his way of getting out of the marriage? If not does he think that moving us away will improve things?

 

Well then I found out that a girl that caused alot of problems in our marriage 7yrs ago lives 15min away from this town. He had told me that there was no contact between them anymore but also found out that they are still in contact.

 

Do I stay? or Do I just call it quits? Any advice would be helpful!!

[CANDYGIRL3]

Wow, you have an awful situation and I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Do what your heart is telling you, even though I know that is hard to do. It sounds like your H is selfish and only cares for himself. If you are only staying with him because of the kids, that is the wrong answer. It only makes things harder. You know deep down if things are for the best, and if the best is to be without him and you will be happier, then I would just let him go. I am sure that doesn't help.

 

Maybe if I tell you what is going on with me right now, you can feel a little better about what is going on with you. Me and my H have been together for 10 years and married for 4. We broke up a lot and he messed around with a lot of girls. Well we got married and the first year was miserable. Then I found out I was pregnant and we decided we were going to keep the baby and make it work between us. I hated him when I was pregnant, he always left me at home to go out and party. Afetr the baby was here things started to get better. Now that my daughter is a little older, I have been going out more to the clubs to dance and drink, which he doesn't like, but it's okay for him to do. I recently started talking to an ex and it felt so nice cause we are both going through a lot with our relationships and both don't really know what to do. I slept with him and now I feel terrible about it. My stomach is in knots and I don't know if I want to let my ex go or my H. I just don't know if I really love him anymore after everything he has put me through and now I am scared he is going to find out what I did. Did your H find out about your affair? How did you feel when your were having the affair towards your H?

[InLovebutConfused]

Thanks for your reply. Its nice to know Im not alone in my situation though sorry to hear your going through it to. To answer your questions. No he hasn't found out about my affair and No I honestly don't and have never felt guilty about it. I broke the affair off mainly because I realized it was lust and not Love and because he was my boss.

 

I do have a really good guy friend whom is my best friend and have known for 15yrs that I connected with again. He recently lost his ex-wife and 3 kids in an automobile accident and we look to each other for support. Nothing has happened between us but if I wasn't married it probably would, which makes my situation even more confusing.

 

My friend keeps telling me that I could and deserve better than my H and whats really sad is my friend treats me alot better than my H. My friend tells me exactly how he feels. Since he lost his whole life in that one moment that he is making sure everyone he cares about knows exactly how he feels. Which that is the type of person I am and the type of partner I need.

 

I know I need to leave my H but I don't know how. I was 20 when we married and H is the longest and most serious relationship I have ever had. I know I shouldn't of let him move back in July and I don't know why I did. How do you tell someone that youve been with for 10yrs that you don't want to be with them anymore?

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counselling that is a must.

 

Im sorry this is going to be long but please bare with me!! I have been with my H for 10yrs and Married for 9yrs. We have 2 kids together a 5yr old and a 3yrs old and he has 1 from a previous relationship and she is almost 12.

 

Here in your quote is the reason why both you and your husband have to give it your best to make it work. If it doesn't atleast you know you tried hard. If you don't try, you might regret it one day.

[Guest]

How do you tell someone you have been with for 10 years you don't want to be with them anymore, is the same question I am asking and trying to figure out. It's hard huh? I don't want to say I don't love him anymore, but I do have that gut feeling he is or has been with someone else recently, which makes me feel a little better about what I am doing, but then it doesn't. I do feel guilty about what I am doing. Each day with my H is different, we are really happy or not at all.

 

To make my matters worst, my ex's girlfriend just broke up with him and he is moving out. So now I am wondering what he expects of me. He says nothing and swears he will never tell a sole, but that is why I stress over this, no one can find out, we know the same people from the past. But as much as I want to just forget this ever happened, I can't. I can't stop calling him and I can't fight my feelings.

 

It's good that you have some back up support and friend who cares for you the way he does. Just keep that in mind too. This is great being able to talk to someone about this, for our situations because you know for us women it's hard to hold in.