Am I on the wrong track?

[The Girl]

I would like to get some opinions and experiences on what the "norm" is for dating someone for around the three to four month mark, in a healthy "relationship that includes sexual intamacy.Any other persons experience with dating during this time period, or clinical advice would help alot!

 

1.)What is the normal amount of days that we should be seeing eachother? (We average 2 to 3 days)

 

2.) Normal amount of talking on the phone? (He calls every day, sometimes a few times of day. I do not call him unless it is important. I feel as though a guy should pursue the girl. I also don't want to scare him off. Is my lack of phone calls normal ?).

 

3.) How many of these dates should remain "formal." Dinner, movies, drinks, etc., as opposed to just coming over and "hanging out" (He seems to be falling more into the "hanging out" routine, yet I still feel more comfortable with a formal date first. Without a formal date I feel a bit used. Is this a normal way to feel after four months?).

 

4.) After dating for four monthes should I after our dates and intamacy, be spending the night? (I always leave, but he seems to not like this much, but I'm not sure).

 

5.) How much of our everyday life should become entertwined at this point. He at times asks me to go work-out with him, go to the grocery store with him, or come hang out with him while he's working. I have kept it to strictly evening to night dates, planned in advance. (I have not done these things with him. He has said before that I keep our lives "seperate" from one another. Is it because I fail to do these things? Should I be doing these things with him yet?).

 

I am curious if I am dating in a healthy way after four months. He has said before that I dont seem to want to make a more "emotional" connection, or that my life is so seperate from his. Is it because I am not moving forward to more intamacy in any of the areas I mentioned above? Does it seem as though I should be doing anything different, or am I at the right place for this amount of dating time?

 

I do really like this person, at times think I am falling in love with him. Somehow he is not feeling this vibe from me and I wonder if it is because of anything I am failing to do in some of the above questions. Am I failing to connect on any level here? Will moving forward in any of these areas lead to greater connection, or am I on the right track?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Ed]

I don't know what the "norm" is. All I know is whatever the "norm" is, it is based on extremes. It is rare that anyone or any relationship meets the so called "norm".

 

Take this for example - the normal or average daily high temperature. It is unlikely that on any day of the year the temperature will actually be what has been calculated as the "normal high temperature". It will either be above it or below it. That's how they arrived at the "norm". So, although you have a calculated "normal" or "average", what you should expect, is to be somewhere outside of "the norm".

 

Of course, the daily high temperature has nothing to do with people's relationships (most of the time), but the point is, very rarely does anything meet the "norm".

 

1.)What is the normal amount of days that we should be seeing eachother? (We average 2 to 3 days)

 

See my other comments about "norms" and what you are comfortable with.

 

2.) Normal amount of talking on the phone? (He calls every day, sometimes a few times of day. I do not call him unless it is important. I feel as though a guy should pursue the girl. I also don't want to scare him off. Is my lack of phone calls normal ?).

 

After 4 months of dating, I think it would be safe for you to call him for non-important things without the fear of scaring him off.

 

3.) How many of these dates should remain "formal." Dinner, movies, drinks, etc., as opposed to just coming over and hanging out" (He seems to be falling more into the "hanging out" routine, yet I still feel more comfortable with a formal date first. Without a formal date I feel a bit used. Is this a normal way to feel after four months?).

 

A stiff, formal relationship keeps things safe, at arms length with no room for spontaneity. It's like, he never gets to see you without your makeup on and you never get to see his dirty underwear laying on the floor. The reality is, long-term relationships will eventually include some assumptions and some things will be taken for granted, for better or for worse. However, keeping some formality in a long term relationship can help maintain an element of romance. Insist on it!

 

4.) After dating for four monthes should I after our dates and intamacy, be spending the night? (I always leave, but he seems to not like this much, but I'm not sure).

 

Most people who share physical intimacy on a regular basis appreciate the opportunity to bask in the delight of being physically close to their mate after being physically intimate. That could include sleeping together and waking up in the same bed. Many people just plain feel used if their mate gets up and leaves every time they have sex.

 

5.) How much of our everyday life should become entertwined at this point. He at times asks me to go work-out with him, go to the grocery store with him, or come hang out with him while he's working. I have kept it to strictly evening to night dates, planned in advance. (I have not done these things with him. He has said before that I keep our lives "seperate" from one another. Is it because I fail to do these things? Should I be doing these things with him yet?).

 

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go workout with him on occasion or regularly. Grocery shopping? Yes! You can find out many things about a person by going grocery shopping with them. I don't care how long you have been dating, I would not go "hang out" with him while he is at work. An occasional, brief visit to his place of work is OK.

 

As far as I am concerned, you should be doing what you feel comfortable with. The amount of time you spend with him is your choice. If you are having a crisis and are not sure how you feel or are having trouble making decisions about how to live your life, you may need to seek the help of a professional counselor, which I am not.

 

In general, it sounds to me like you are not sure how involved you want to be in this mans life or how involved you want him to be in yours. This is crucial to you making a decision to move past formality into the reality of a day-to-day, long-term relationship.

 

It sounds like he wants things to be less formal. Based on what you posted I don't think removing some of the formality will scare him off. But if you want to try and make sure things stay fresh, energetic and romantic, insist that he "date you" for the rest of your time together. No matter how long it lasts.