Men can be great actors it seems

[nicola]

the story goes like this, about 4-5 months ago a friend of ours started to hang out with us etc and we got on really well and i (as well as my friend) got the vibe that he was interested in me. So....after a month of seeing each other casually as friends, where he was always indicating that if i was interested we could catch up for dinner or a movie or whatever, we became intimate. Now i was planning on going overseas when this happened (and still did). He was wonderful calling me all the time, wanting to see me etc, bringing me flowers, doing all those things you'd want a guy to do for you. Asking my friend if it

 

was ok if he started seeing me.

 

Then it came time for me to go o.s (for an indefinate period of time). When i left, he told me that he was glad i was going because he wasn't sure at this stage whether he was ready for anything serious (he'd just recently come out of an 8 1/2 year relationship)and he didn't want to screw things up early on just because he wasn't sure if he was ready or not. Ok fine. So off i go, thinking i'd not hear from him again but as it turns out i was getting phone calls from him every week i was away, at least once a week up to 3 times a week and the conversations were pretty damn intimate, not the kind you'd have with someone you weren't interested in. Then i get to N.Y.C and he sends me $1000.00 just to go shopping with and the phone calls continue. All up i was away for about 3months or so, the whole time receiving weekly calls. He goes to NZ for two weeks and calls me from there to let me know where he is and the calls continue. Finally i'm in london and am really missing all and him and am under the impression given by all the calls etc that there is something to continue when i come back. I call, say i'm coming back, to which he says he dosen't know what i'm expecting but not to expect it like it was before, in each others faces 24/7. I'm ok with this as i interpret this just to mean not so intense and all the other calls had always been indicitive of somthing there. So i come home and stay with him for a week ( i wanted to surprise everyone ) and it's on for young and old as it was just before i left. two weeks later we're out somewhere and he's acting funny and leaves. I can tell something is up but don't know what so i go around to his place the next day and he is fine but distant and when we go to bed nothing happens, wake up and he is fine but still distant. he leaves so i decide to write him a letter asking him to tell me what is wrong (i'm not too great with verbal confrontation)and wait for him to come home and read it which he does not too much later.

 

Finally he comes out with it...

 

and i get the 'it's not you it's me' scenario complete with 'i can't give you what you want' and i'm not ready to commit to a serious relationship spiel. Also in there is how wonderful i am, beautiful etc etc. he tells me that he is not able to see two women at once, he's not physically or emotionally capable of it and he wouldn't see anyone behind my back but he's not ready for anything serious. I ask him if he'd been with anyone while i was away ( i don't have a problem with this as we hadn't been seeing each other for very long when i left and i didn't know how long i was going away for ) he doesn't answer me (which answers the question i guess)then tells me what good friends i have and that they'll probably inform me in due time. He then also tells me that he's not adverse to my coming over every now and then for a bit of fun if i want and what's my opinion, what conclusion have i come to. I am upset and don't say much, fall asleep and when he comes home and finally comes to bed we make love and then in the morning he puts some music on and starts dancing with me, so of course i get upset and cry. He helps me wipe away my tears and as we're going down in the lift asks of me one thing, that when we meet i don't just offer him my cheek!

 

So....i am very upset and go to my two closet friends, one of them a guy who has always had a soft spot for me but knows nothing will ever happen and the story unfolds.....

 

That while i was away, my love interest had had a bit of fun which my friends saw and did not necessarily approve off but they figure it's between us. Then when i emailed my lover asking if it's ok to stay with him, he goes to my male friend to ask him what he thinks. My friend asks him if he's talked about things with me and suggests if not that he should sort things out because if i come home and we're all out one night and the girl he was with comes flying up to him, he'll have a lot of explaining to do and i'll go ballistic so he'd better sort it out. I guess his sorting it out was telling me not to expect things to be how they were. So i come back and it's all on for young and old and we're into each other, i stay there, he stays with me, calls me up etc and certainly acts the part of someone who is interested in front of all my friends and family. My friend sees that he is still all over me and deduces that he's not told me anything so one night my lover is around at my friends and my friend happens to mention about inviting some girl to a do we're having. Apparently my lover gets annoyed because she'll be there and he thinks she's quite nice and i'll be there and she'll see us together and that'll be it.

 

I think he was even going to use

 

my friend having liked me as a

 

reason for dumping me.

 

My friend gets pissed at him and tells him he has till thursday to tell me or he will. So this explains why he was so funny on the weekend prior to his deadline.

 

i can understand not being ready to commit etc, i don't even have a problem with his little dalliances while i was away but what i cannot figure out is why the hell he was calling me up all the time and sending me large amounts of money if he wasn't interested. Why he was giving me, and everyone else, the impression that he was into it. He knew where i was at with it all cause of the calls and letters i sent. he tried to get out of it with my friend by saying he's just like that, affectionate with people. My friend wasn't having that especially when the guy had known me five years and not been like that and certainly hadn't been like that with anyone else or any of our other friends! And you don't just put the type of calls i was getting and the way he was with me in front of friends and family down to just being affectionate! He certainly fooled everyone else as well. And if he didn't want to see me or be with me then why was he seeing me and being with me. He could have at any time while i was away sent the 'not interested' signal loud and clear, he could've said no when i asked if i could stay with him for the first few days i got back, he could've kept his hands to himself while i was there and not called me inviting himself over, nor referred to himself as my boyfriend. I just don't get it!!! If he wasn't into it then why was he acting like he was? He certainly had me fooled. Even his body language! Conversations were always indicitive of something continuous with us. While i was away i was being told how he was going to kiss me from head to toe when i got home (amoung other things), how he was just lying in bed imagining he was cuddling me, lots of phone sex, telling me how much just speaking to me turned him on and got him in a certain state that wasn't really good to go out in public in, you get the picture. So why, if he wasn't into it and could obviously get what ever it was he wanted elsewhere was he carrying on with me. Why would you be with someone you didn't want to be with, why sleep with someone you don't want to sleep with, why call someone you don't want to know about, or get all kissy kissy with there family and act the dutiful boyfriend. I don't understand. Even if he'd just told me he was only interested in a purely sexual thing, but now i don't know what to believe or what was genuine and still he's told me nothing and i've had to peice it all together through what my friends say. At the moment he's laying very low.

 

Perhaps it's the same as why dogs lick their nuts, cause they can. Maybe that's why he was carrying on with me but you'd think he'd have a bit more respect for a friend of five years not to mention the dynamics between myself and my closest male friend and himself.

 

Please send me your advice or take on this, i've gotten many from friends from ' you've just been taken for a ride' to 'ok so he was into it at the beginning, you went away indefinately, he had a little taste, and then some more and then you came back sooner than expected, he got into it but was still freaking out about commitment etc, wondered if this was what he really wanted, friends get involved, freak out spit the dummy, easy to drop the whole thing'. I really was fooled and i was fooled enough into thinking there was something that i left my travels and came home. I'm not one to imagine theres something where theres not and i'd certainly not leg in half way round the world on imagination. it would've made it easier for me to stay away if i hadn't been getting strong interested signals, but maybe he was just playing with me.

 

he has everything i'd sent him displayed up on his tv set, saved the evelopes and has a ball of my hair in his draw somewhere. For the first few weeks i was away, he'd not changed his sheets cause they smelt of me! he forced me to take items of his clothing sprayed with his colonge so i could wear them and smell of him and think of him.

 

Go figure.

 

Sorry this is so long.

 

Upset and confused.

[Totally Confused]

Wow, that was one long story. I thought I wrote a lot. Anyway, I am a person who is very blunt and very honest. I expect that from people and I also give it. Taken for a ride is a little to general. In this case the guy really does like you and her and her and her and her. No one special, no one imparticular, just whoever makes him feel good at the time he's with them. Did you not hear him, when he said he'd just gotten out of an 8 1/2 yr relationship. That is a rebounder. That is a man that is free for the first time in his life and doesn't know what to do with himself, but enjoy it. This man is going to be unavailable to you and anyone else for a long time. He'll get into a couple month relationships here and there, but only because he's not used to being alone. But they won't last, because he'll want to move on and test his freedom some more. You have gotten a taste of a committment phobic or a rebounder. Committment Phobes/rebounders tend to come on strong and promise you the world. If you are in a relationship with a man that makes you feel like you're in a movie or a romance novel, chances are you are with a Phobe and your world will come crashing down shortly there after. It never fails. Always be warry of a man that comes on strong. Run as fast as you can in the other direction. People tend to over analyze other people's feelings, but think about it realistically, If you are in love with someone, you are going to be with them, end of story. No games, no bullsh@t, you just want to be with them. We tend to think, oh is it cause of this or that, "No they just aren't in love with you, end of story." Yes it hurts, but it's the truth. If this man loved you, you would not be asking that question. He would be showing you, because he wouldn't be able to stop himself from showing you, in a normal and healthy, non-pressuring way. Face it. Men and Women are all looking for that special someone. If a man says, he doesn't want a committment, it's because he doesn't want a committment with you. If a man says, we need to slow things down and see other people, It's because he doesn't love you and doesn't want to lead you on and there's someone else. He's trying to let you down easy. DO NOT sleep with this man. Out of weekness or anything. He's not going to change his mind. You'll have a better chance with him if you say no, rather than hopping into his bed because you miss him and he snaps his fingers. He will use you if you let him. He's already told you that. He said you can come over anytime you want to fool around. Is that the way a man speaks to a woman he's in love with - ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I'm sorry you're going through this, and you will grow to hate him, but we've all gone through it and have suffered. It makes you stronger and it makes you realize what real love is and what's junk. Look at it this way, Once you're over this jerk and a great guy who treats you like a lady comes along and you fall madly in love with him, you'll look back and thank this jerk for dumping you, because is he hadn't dumped you, you wouldn't be able to be with this new wonderful man. If you need to talk more about this stuff, you can try to e-mail me.

 

Good Luck.