Should I play the field

[Alwaysbeenfaithful]

I am a 48 year old male divorcee. I have only had 3 intimate relationships my entire life, one of them being with my ex-wife. Following divorce I met a beautiful woman in another country, and we became serious quite quickly, and discussed getting married when she came to the U.S.

 

It does not appear our circumstances will allow us to be together for at least 6 months, and during the several months that we have not seen each other, I have been reconsidering the fact that I have always seemed to get involved in comitted relationships very quickly. This tendency has meant that my relationships have always been very long-term, and that I have had few relationships.

 

I am starting to consider going out with other women recently. I want to do this not with the intent of being intimate, but to overcome my fear that I simply have not met enough women to feel confident that I am making the right decision in marrying the girl from another country. I have always been 100% faithful in my past relationships. I guess I want to hold on to the girl I met in another country, while having the opportunity to meet other women. I believe that my foreign girlfriend is not dating other men, but obviously since she is thousands of miles away, I have no way of knowing this for sure.

 

I want to emphasize that I have no intent of beginning an intimate relationship with anyone else while my girlfriend is anticipating coming to the U.S. to get married. I just feel the need to meet other women with the thought that perhaps I am really missing out on meeting someone who I really click with on a personal level since I have dated so few women. Perhaps I need to get this out of my system and the experience may make my relationship with my foreign girlfriend even stronger. I know that most women may find this thinking B.S., but I think that perhaps some men can understand what I am experiencing.

 

I would appreciate input from men who might have had this urge.

[to-the-limit]

Hi, i am not a man, but i hope i can help you in some way.

i think you need some time being single for a while, i agree that you need to interact with women more as in getting more experience (i am sure you know that every woman is different in her wants and needs).

I am pretty similer to you in the fact that i am in my second serious relationship.

 

I was with my sons father for almost 6 years ( i was only 16 when i met him), i have been with my present partner for almost three years.

I have in total slept with three men. before i met my partner i had the same thoughts as you, i thought that it was important for me to see more men, and get all this experience, then when i met my partner all those feelings went away, and i know in my heart that i couldnt care less if another man looked at me ever again, because i am 100 per cent happy with my partner, he makes me very happy. (we also had a long distance thing for almost a year before we moved in together).

 

the only advice i can give you is, if you love your girlfriend, dont hurt her by seeing other woman (even though you may not sleep with these other woman it may damage your girls trust in you forever.

 

if you feel you must see other woman explain the situation to your girlfriend honestly and tell her that at this time you would rather be the best of friends until you can figure out what you want/need and deserve out of life. good luck, sorry if its not what you are looking for...

[SoleMate]

YES! I do think you should play the field, AND I think you should let your gf know, and let her go, before you do it. You'll find that it isn't really a valid search otherwise.

 

If you are too scared to lose your gf, then I think you should get over it. If she is truly the woman you want, then you will have no interest in reviewing other prospects. Some people are ready for monogamy, and others aren't. Just be clear which you are, and be fair with your gf. You surely hope that she will be the same, right?

[DeeBrod83]

I think if you feel that this is a serious concern and you think it may come back to haunt you later, you should nip it in the butt now. BUT talk about it with your future mate first. Let her know that you have concerns about jumping headfirst in another long term relationship without taking some time for yourself. And though you really love her and hope to make a life with her, there are things you need to work though first. If she really loves you she will understand. How are you supposed to know if she's the one you want to make a life with if you don't first learn what else is out there. You may not actually even date, but being single gives you a chance to meet people on a personal level and you can look at them and realize if you think they'd make you happy or not. And then when your 'exotic lady' comes back you'll know in your heart it's what you truly want and you can put the effort in 100%. BUT I definitely think you need to talk to her about all this FIRST!! Trust and honesty are NUMBER #1!

[SueBee3490]

I agree with the other posters who tell you to let your gf know the situation. Let her know that you want to date others or at least take a little break because you only want to date casually - nothing serious right now. That's the right thing to do.

 

My bf cheated on me without telling me first, so let me tell you the oceans of tears I've cried and the heartache I've endured through all this isn't worth it. Your gf at least deserves to know what is going on in your relationship. My bf didn't have the respect or love for me to at least tell me he was seeing others. His excuse was that I was only the 2nd woman he dated (after his ex-wife) so he really never did know what was out there.

 

So please tell her and if she's ok with it, then possibly in the future you will feel she is "the one" (and she will feel the same). Because I can't get over his cheating, we are in the process of getting a divorce - the trust is gone.

[xxrubyredxx]

I wouldn't like to think that the guy I was all set to marry, was planning on checking out other women behind my back and using this as a deciding factor as to whether I was the one he wanted to be with, or not.

 

For me, that would about measure his real depth of love for me......NONE!

 

You'd be having no doubts at all and you certainly wouldn't be thinking of pursuing other women, if she was truly the 'one'!!!

[mental_traveller]

My advice would be to either call things off completely, or just say you aren't ready for a committed faithful relationship, honestly explain to her your reasons, and let her choose how to handle it. The reasons are twofold - firstly, if you have this urge, you're very likely to give in to it at some point, which will mess things up for you and this woman; second, you should be honest in a relationship; what is the point of being faithful if you are dishonest in other ways?

 

Really I think you ought to satiate this curiosity and get it out of your system. When I was younger and less experienced, I also sometimes felt I was "missing out" by being in a serious relationship, so I decided I'd see what was out there and have some fun first. I'm glad I did, firstly because I had a lot of fun doing it, and also now I don't have any particular craving to do something that would be incompatible with a long-term relationship. So being serious with someone, I don't feel "oh I wish I could bang that young hottie", or whatever other thing floats your boat, because I've been there & done that and now want something a bit more!

 

I think everyone ought to be a bit of a bad boy/girl once in their life to see how it is, then you can decide which path suits you more, and choose that. It's much better to do it when you're free and single, and no one gets hurt, than to lie to someone you supposedly care about. In your case you'll always be wondering if the grass is greener, so why not try it out for a while and see how things go?