Fiance won't accompany me to something unless it's about him and his friends.

[ladyinwaiting]

This may sound petty. Please tell me if it does. I really can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable about this.

 

See, thing is, my fiance does not support me in social situations. I don't mean that as in his shy or retiring or socially inadaquate or whatever - to the contrary, he's the life of the party. It's just that he will not accompany me to something unless it's about him and his friends.

 

For instance, we have had my workplaces end of financial year dinner with partners "encouraged" to attend. I was told, in advance, to wear something decent because I was getting a reward and would have to get up on stage. Yet, even with that incentive, my man refused to come because it was on on his LAN gaming night. Okay. No big deal. I didn't nag, I just went alone. But I was hurt, especially as a similar thing has happened the last couple of years.

 

And it's not just my work. One of my best friends is getting married next month. My fiance doesn't want to go. He has no reason, just that it's "not his thing." Again, I RSVPed as just me, but this time I had to offer an explanation - I just lied and said he might be called into work and we didn't want to risk it.

 

These are just two of the latest events in a long line of similar occasions.

 

Now, I'd probably be okay with this if we had some mutual arrangements where neither of us went to the other's friends or work events. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm always expected at his. I've toyed with not going, but that tit-for-tat looks immature. I've tried talking to him, and he says he'll ensure he's available next time ... but he never is. I don't want him to give up his spare time or his social life, but a little support occasionally doesn't seem to be unfair. Only, then I worry that I'm being silly by even caring about this...

[tanbark813]

You're not being silly or petty. I'd be pissed if I were in your shoes. If talking to him doesn't work, then don't go to his next important event. Sometimes a little immaturity is required to make a point.

[Pyro]

This may sound petty. Please tell me if it does. I really can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable about this.

 

See, thing is, my fiance does not support me in social situations. I don't mean that as in his shy or retiring or socially inadaquate or whatever - to the contrary, he's the life of the party. It's just that he will not accompany me to something unless it's about him and his friends.

 

For instance, we have had my workplaces end of financial year dinner with partners "encouraged" to attend. I was told, in advance, to wear something decent because I was getting a reward and would have to get up on stage. Yet, even with that incentive, my man refused to come because it was on on his LAN gaming night. Okay. No big deal. I didn't nag, I just went alone. But I was hurt, especially as a similar thing has happened the last couple of years.

 

And it's not just my work. One of my best friends is getting married next month. My fiance doesn't want to go. He has no reason, just that it's "not his thing." Again, I RSVPed as just me, but this time I had to offer an explanation - I just lied and said he might be called into work and we didn't want to risk it.

 

These are just two of the latest events in a long line of similar occasions.

 

Now, I'd probably be okay with this if we had some mutual arrangements where neither of us went to the other's friends or work events. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm always expected at his. I've toyed with not going, but that tit-for-tat looks immature. I've tried talking to him, and he says he'll ensure he's available next time ... but he never is. I don't want him to give up his spare time or his social life, but a little support occasionally doesn't seem to be unfair. Only, then I worry that I'm being silly by even caring about this...

 

Thats very selfish on his behalf. One should make some sacrifices in order to please there spouse. You are right, he shouldn't have to give up his social life for you, but an event here and there, he should have no excuses. Seriously, if you were giving birth to his child, would he not show up unless it involved his friends?

[magda]

yeah, he should go. That's what couples do. They support each other and go places together.

 

Maybe he feels inadequate to your people, or something? Some underlying reason other than pure selfishness?

[tikigods]

people should support the ones they are with, he isn't supporting you and if he isn't now while you aren't married what makes you think he will change if you do?

[norajane]

I think you totally have a right to be pissed off.

 

Have you asked him how he'd feel if you didn't go to his events? Maybe it's worth trying that next time you're expected to go somewhere with him. If he gets pissed off, then you can tell him that's exactly how you feel when he won't support you at your events. Maybe he's just too dense to get it.