Insecurity or instinct??

[Fran]

I have been dating a man now for 3 months, and this weekend he is going away with his buddy and his buddie's slutty, flirty, pretty, promiscous woman who happens to like my boyfriend. The three of them are going to be staying together this weekend at this buddy's condo up in the mountains. Unfortunatley I can't go, but he insists on going without me because he loves skiing and hasn't skied yet this winter.

 

This woman who is going is very beautiful and chatty, and my boyfriend seems to enjoy this woman's company. I am so afraid they are going to hit it off, and terrified my boyfriend will come back and tell me he either cheated, or is going to dump me for her.

 

My boyfriend is loyal to me and says he loves me, but why don't I trust him when he leaves my side? It drives me insane that I feel this way, and am going to feel so uneasy all weekend while he is up there in a cozy cottage in the mountains with her. She is not his buddy's girlfriend, just a companion and a lay to him, therefore, I don't think it would matter that much to his buddy if she actually screwed my boyfriend or even started to date him.

 

Am I being insecure or is my instinct right? Should I just wait and see what happens? Am I driving myself crazy!!

 

WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM???????

[Ed]

You don't, won't or can't trust your boyfriend for some reason. Your reason(s) could be based on something you know about him or his past. It could also be because of something about you or your past. For some reason you seem to be jealous of her and insecure about your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

The best thing you can do is not get all worked up over something that has not happened or, if it did happen, you have no control over. I'm not saying that you or anyone else would not or should not be extremely hurt and blistering mad if they discovered their partner had cheated. But the fact is, you can be cheated on any day of the week, any place on this earth if it is what he chooses to do. There is really nothing you can do to prevent it other than somehow locking him up or disfiguring him, which would be cruel at best and criminal at worst.

 

Do you know of any legitimate reason why your boyfriend would cheat on you?

 

If he is not trustworthy, then drop him, quick! Otherwise, you are just a sitting duck waiting to be somebody's dinner.

 

If you have no good reason to believe he might cheat on you, then it is possible you are simply belittling yourself in comparison to others or you somehow feel that you don't deserve a faithful mate. Both of these are issues that have nothing to do with him and you may want to seek help in overcoming.

[Tony T]

If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. If your relationship with your boyfriend is so tenuous and on the edge, then you just ought to reconsider it altogether.

 

First, I think it's pretty inconsiderate of him to go off like this under these conditions with a woman who is after him, no matter how much he likes to ski. He can wait until a time when you are available to go along. I think it's a matter of great disrespect on his part to put you through something like this.

 

If you think your guy is such a perverted scumbag that he would go off on a trip and have a gang bang with this girl and his buddy, then I don't think you have enough trust in him or respect for his character to continue seeing him.

 

You sound like a real nice lady and I myself would be pretty pissed about this trip. I don't think you are being unreasonable and I don't think you'r guy is being treated kindly.

 

But I do think you are way wrong for staying in a relationship with somebody who you believe would go off and cheat on you...or even somebody who would go off with a slutty girl who's after him and leave you behind.

 

The whole thing smells to me and I don't think you deserve to live like this.

[BeenThere]

Fran,

 

The insecurities you are feeling now are very common with "new" relationships. Three months isn't really all that long and the two of you are still in the "getting-to-know-one-another" stage. I know its hard to put all the "what-ifs" out of your mind and not replay all the horrible sinerios. Especially if your boyfriend is about to enter a situation that could jeapordize your trust, which is ESSENTIAL if you are working towards a long-term committed relationship.

 

The problem is, there isn't really much you can do. I'm sure your boyfriend is already aware of how uncomfortable you are with the situation. He may even pull the old "If you really loved me you would trust me" routine. Afterall, that's the most logical defense, and the only real argument he can stand on right now. If he's already decided this trip is more important to him than your feelings, than all you can do is "file it" for future reference and give him the freedom and room to make his choices...whether good or bad. Try not to dwell on the fact that he might screw up, rather give him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to prove you wrong. This may even turn out to be a good "test" of his true feelings for you. If he screws up, than at least you'll know where your relationship really stands before you've invested any more of your time and emotions.

 

Like the old saying goes...give them enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves!...haha

 

Good luck Fran!

I have been dating a man now for 3 months, and this weekend he is going away with his buddy and his buddie's slutty, flirty, pretty, promiscous woman who happens to like my boyfriend. The three of them are going to be staying together this weekend at this buddy's condo up in the mountains. Unfortunatley I can't go, but he insists on going without me because he loves skiing and hasn't skied yet this winter. This woman who is going is very beautiful and chatty, and my boyfriend seems to enjoy this woman's company. I am so afraid they are going to hit it off, and terrified my boyfriend will come back and tell me he either cheated, or is going to dump me for her. My boyfriend is loyal to me and says he loves me, but why don't I trust him when he leaves my side? It drives me insane that I feel this way, and am going to feel so uneasy all weekend while he is up there in a cozy cottage in the mountains with her. She is not his buddy's girlfriend, just a companion and a lay to him, therefore, I don't think it would matter that much to his buddy if she actually screwed my boyfriend or even started to date him. Am I being insecure or is my instinct right? Should I just wait and see what happens? Am I driving myself crazy!! WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM???????

[Miss Mojo]

hi fran,

 

the information you provided in your post leads me to believe that something a bit suss is going on here.

 

firstly, you have been dating for 3 months. in the first few months of a relationship, 9 out of 10 relationships just can't get enough of each other.

 

secondly, why the hell does he insist that you not come along, even if you were able to????? not only is this damn freaking rude of him and very fishy. if this guy were to cheat on you, think yourself lucky that it's not a few years down the track after you have invested so much emotionally into him and the relationship.

 

finally, if you already - in such a short space of time - feel that you can't trust this guy, then don't pursue the relationship. a relationship is nothing but hell without trust. you will always feel threatened by the slightest thing, jump to conclusions too often, base events on reminders of the past....get my drift???

 

i sense it is instinct here, although i could be wrong.

 

personally, he isn't giving you a reason to trust him. you are messing with your own head if you choose to stay with a guy you don't trust.

 

find a man who's trust you are secure in.

 

best wishes

[TexasGal]

He may not have cheated on you yet- but he has done "something" to make you not trust him. Whether it is the way he has handled this woman's behavior in the past- or comments that he has made (or hasn't made) about her. Something is telling you that he isn't trustworthy. And don't be mistaken- it is "him" that you have to trust- not her. She will do what she wants to- it's the way he handles it that matters.

 

I agree with Tony in that it isn't a good sign that your boyfriend would go in the first place- in light of the whole situation and your feelings about it. He is without a doubt more concerned with his own wants and needs- than yours. Not a good way to start a relationship. You say he is loyal to you- but what are you basing that statement on? Just because he hasn't had the opportunity to stray- doesn't mean he wouldn't.

 

Men that love and cherish a woman- very seldom let themselves be in a situation that would make their partner uncomfortable. True gentlemen always think of the woman's feelings before acting. So- the question is- back to you- do you want to continue in a relationship that already has so many red flags- or would you rather get out now- and spend your time re-evaluating your self-worth- so that you don't fall for another of the same kind as this one? You know what you deserve- you know what kind of man will make you happy- don't settle for less.

 

Good luck!

 

TexasGal

I have been dating a man now for 3 months, and this weekend he is going away with his buddy and his buddie's slutty, flirty, pretty, promiscous woman who happens to like my boyfriend. The three of them are going to be staying together this weekend at this buddy's condo up in the mountains. Unfortunatley I can't go, but he insists on going without me because he loves skiing and hasn't skied yet this winter. This woman who is going is very beautiful and chatty, and my boyfriend seems to enjoy this woman's company. I am so afraid they are going to hit it off, and terrified my boyfriend will come back and tell me he either cheated, or is going to dump me for her. My boyfriend is loyal to me and says he loves me, but why don't I trust him when he leaves my side? It drives me insane that I feel this way, and am going to feel so uneasy all weekend while he is up there in a cozy cottage in the mountains with her. She is not his buddy's girlfriend, just a companion and a lay to him, therefore, I don't think it would matter that much to his buddy if she actually screwed my boyfriend or even started to date him. Am I being insecure or is my instinct right? Should I just wait and see what happens? Am I driving myself crazy!! WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM???????

[Fran]

Guys and gals...

 

Thanks for the feedback. It turns out that woman is not going on the trip. Thank god. However, there is another problem. He booked two tickets for us to go to Florida, one of which I have to pay for. I simply can't afford to go, pay my ticket, and pay my way down there as well. Unfortunatley, this guy can't afford to pay anything for me if I go because he is in a small financial rut.

 

I told him I can't go because it's not financially feasible for me, again...he insists on going without me. He is going to be staying at another buddies condo for free, and says he needs to go to keep his sanity and get away from the bitter cold for a few days. I asked him to get credit for our tickets for another time when I can afford to go. He won't do it. I said to him, " why would you want to go without me anyhow? This will be the second weekend in a row you will be going away without me." He said that his wanting to get away has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I think thats bulls**t! It's obvious his needs and wants come first, if this guy is as crazy about me as he says, why won't he sacrifice the Florida trip??? Am I wrong to feel like I don't come first in his life? I mean when you are beginning to date, all you want to do is be with that person! Adivce please...should I just tell him to f-off for good or what?

I have been dating a man now for 3 months, and this weekend he is going away with his buddy and his buddie's slutty, flirty, pretty, promiscous woman who happens to like my boyfriend. The three of them are going to be staying together this weekend at this buddy's condo up in the mountains. Unfortunatley I can't go, but he insists on going without me because he loves skiing and hasn't skied yet this winter. This woman who is going is very beautiful and chatty, and my boyfriend seems to enjoy this woman's company. I am so afraid they are going to hit it off, and terrified my boyfriend will come back and tell me he either cheated, or is going to dump me for her. My boyfriend is loyal to me and says he loves me, but why don't I trust him when he leaves my side? It drives me insane that I feel this way, and am going to feel so uneasy all weekend while he is up there in a cozy cottage in the mountains with her. She is not his buddy's girlfriend, just a companion and a lay to him, therefore, I don't think it would matter that much to his buddy if she actually screwed my boyfriend or even started to date him. Am I being insecure or is my instinct right? Should I just wait and see what happens? Am I driving myself crazy!! WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM???????

[Fran]

Guys-

 

can you read my new post under this title below? I am terribly confused and hurt and need objective feeback.

 

Thanks a million.

[BeenThere]

Fran,

 

It's sounds like your new friend really enjoys traveling. (glad the other lady isn't going...if that's indeed true.) However, it seems he's young and is use to going places and having a good time. I'm sure he enjoys the time he gets to spend with you, but it doesn't sound as if he is focusing on a long-term relationship right now. Afterall, its only been three months. Unless there's more to this relationship than I can gather from your posts, it doesn't sound likely that this guy is ready to settle down just yet, set up house, and sit around doing nothing. You are either going to have to find a way to go with him, or hope he runs out of money and is FORCED to stay home-bound for a while.

 

In my humble opinion, I think your best course of action here is to refrain your heart and try to just view your relationship with this man as a casual one for now. Continue dating him for as long as you care to, but don't put all your hopes in the "committment" thing right now. Try to have some alone time and fun with your friends too, while leaving yourself open for the chance to meet someone else who shares interests and a lifestyle more capatible with your own.

 

I know sometimes there are things we are unable to do because we just don't have the money or time, but cruel reality is...if you can't keep up, you may get left behind.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Guys and gals... Thanks for the feedback. It turns out that woman is not going on the trip. Thank god. However, there is another problem. He booked two tickets for us to go to Florida, one of which I have to pay for. I simply can't afford to go, pay my ticket, and pay my way down there as well. Unfortunatley, this guy can't afford to pay anything for me if I go because he is in a small financial rut. I told him I can't go because it's not financially feasible for me, again...he insists on going without me. He is going to be staying at another buddies condo for free, and says he needs to go to keep his sanity and get away from the bitter cold for a few days. I asked him to get credit for our tickets for another time when I can afford to go. He won't do it. I said to him, " why would you want to go without me anyhow? This will be the second weekend in a row you will be going away without me." He said that his wanting to get away has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I think thats bulls**t! It's obvious his needs and wants come first, if this guy is as crazy about me as he says, why won't he sacrifice the Florida trip??? Am I wrong to feel like I don't come first in his life? I mean when you are beginning to date, all you want to do is be with that person! Adivce please...should I just tell him to f-off for good or what?

[Tony T]

Maybe you don't stop by here often but you've gotten more than the average number of replies of a post on this forum. Two guys and four gals is about as good as it gets here.

 

If those were not help to you, perhaps you should re-write your post from a different perspective with more information and maybe we can give it another try. Ask specific questions and be very direct about exactly what decisions you are needing to make.

 

We want to help you but obviously we have failed to date. More details from you may be of great help.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I mean when you are beginning to date, all you want to do is be with that person!"

 

That simply isn't always the case. If you start dating someone you are crazy about and you have no other time constraints or obligations, yes...you will want to spend a lot of time with them.

 

But in the initial stages of dating, many people are not yet "crazy" about the other person. They take time.

 

My personal opinion is that you are making demands of him that you are in no place to make. If he wants to go out of town without you, maybe that hurts you but put the data in your computer and draw your conclusions. It could be he may spend every weekend after this one with YOU for the rest of his life. Who knows?

 

If you think this guy ought to change his entire life and schedule to fit it around yours because you recently started dating him and he doesn't feel the same way, move on down the road. But I don't think you should tell somebody to "f" off because they have a life to lead that you don't agree with.

 

You also need to pay attention to the fact that despite his financial limitations, he seems to find the money to go on these trips. Do you really want to get involved with a man who is financially irresponsible?

[midori]

I think you might be over-reacting a bit. I don't think that being in a relationship means that all free time should be spent together, that all travel must be undertaken together. You asked your boyfriend why he'd even want to go down there w/o you -- but wouldn't it be scary if he couldn't enjoy himself on his own? You guys have only been together for a couple of months, right?

 

I think it's great that you can express yourself, voice misgivings and come up with alternatives like postponing the trip until you could come too. But do you really begrudge him a little holiday just because you can't afford to go yourself? Two weekends isn't the end of the world. Plan something for the following weekend that the two of you can do together, and in the meantime enjoy yourself at home and let him enjoy himself in Florida. Laying a guilt trip on him isn't going to make him miss you. You can't *make* him feel anything, actually. Clearly he doesn't see things the way you do and you can't make him adopt your mindset.

 

If this really goes against what you want out of a relationship, if you're looking to be joined at the hip with someone who wouldn't dream of making a move without you, then perhaps this guy isn't the one for you. That's completely your call. Whether or not he goes on holiday, and with whom, is completely his call.

[clia]

I'm going to go with: Insecurity

 

You've been with this guy for 3 months. He's perfectly entitled to go on vacation with his buddies for a weekend. For God's sakes, it's not like he's leaving for months. Can't you live without him for 2 days? See him during the week. He invited you along, and you can't afford to go. That's your problem. (And in my opinion, you shouldn't even expect him to pay for you after three months of dating.)

 

Just because he says he's crazy about you doesn't mean he doesn't want to see his friends and go on vacation! I think it's perfectly healthy for couples to take separate vacations and get away from each other from time to time. Of course his needs and wants come first--you've been dating for THREE MONTHS. You aren't married, you don't have kids, this isn't a long term relationship yet. I would be shocked if you already came first in his life. (And really, I hardly think that him choosing to go on vacation means anything other than that he wants to lay on the beach for a couple days!)

 

You seem very afraid that he's going to have fun without you. I'm sure he'll have a great time in Florida and when he goes skiing. You need to accept that it is healthy and fine for him to have fun when you are not around. I certainly hope you have girlfriends that you have fun with when he isn't around.

 

I'll tell you one thing, if you don't chill out, he's going to usher you out the door pronto. Most guys don't like being nagged and b****ed at for going away for a weekend with their friends.

Guys and gals... Thanks for the feedback. It turns out that woman is not going on the trip. Thank god. However, there is another problem. He booked two tickets for us to go to Florida, one of which I have to pay for. I simply can't afford to go, pay my ticket, and pay my way down there as well. Unfortunatley, this guy can't afford to pay anything for me if I go because he is in a small financial rut. I told him I can't go because it's not financially feasible for me, again...he insists on going without me. He is going to be staying at another buddies condo for free, and says he needs to go to keep his sanity and get away from the bitter cold for a few days. I asked him to get credit for our tickets for another time when I can afford to go. He won't do it. I said to him, " why would you want to go without me anyhow? This will be the second weekend in a row you will be going away without me." He said that his wanting to get away has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I think thats bulls**t! It's obvious his needs and wants come first, if this guy is as crazy about me as he says, why won't he sacrifice the Florida trip??? Am I wrong to feel like I don't come first in his life? I mean when you are beginning to date, all you want to do is be with that person! Adivce please...should I just tell him to f-off for good or what?

[Ed]

This guy is planning on going and doing the things he likes to do that he can afford to do. It sounds like the places he wants go and the things he wants to do are places you would like to go and things you would like to do if you were able to, but you are not. It may be of no consolation to you, but you were invited to go, albeit dutch, but you were invited nonetheless. Why he chose to go about it in this way is hard to say. Right now, for whatever reason, he does not feel any obligation to ask for your input about his travel plans.

 

He may be the type that is always ready to go, at the drop of a hat, with little forethought and planning. When the opportunity arises, his bags are packed faster than you can say "let's go". Some people are just this way. They welcome all takers, but they are not very considerate of those who are not as carefree and footloose. It's also entirely possible he could be planning these trips on short notice because he knows you won't be able to go due to your other obligations or your lack of funds.

 

Either way, you are not happy with his apparent lack of consideration for you. You are going to have to think long and hard about whether this guy is the right type for you and/or if he is purposely jerking you around. No one else can make that determination and/or decision except you.

 

At this stage in the relationship it's hard to say just how much consideration to expect from him. You are kind of in a gray area, teeter-tottering between commitment and non-commitment. Certainly, if you were in a long-term committed relationship with him, I would expect some planning and collaboration to have taken place between you about these trips. By all means, at the very least, let him know NOW that if you are ever going to be in a long-term relationship with him, you will expect more consideration regarding such things and see how he acts in the future. However, to bar him from ever going off somewhere by himself or with others is going overboard.

 

I expect that if you get all bent out of shape about this you won’t have to worry about breaking up with him. He’ll either figure out you aren’t going to let him jerk you around (at least not for long, hopefully) or he’ll get fed up with you nagging him or pouting about his carefree lifestyle.

Guys and gals... Thanks for the feedback. It turns out that woman is not going on the trip. Thank god. However, there is another problem. He booked two tickets for us to go to Florida, one of which I have to pay for. I simply can't afford to go, pay my ticket, and pay my way down there as well. Unfortunatley, this guy can't afford to pay anything for me if I go because he is in a small financial rut. I told him I can't go because it's not financially feasible for me, again...he insists on going without me. He is going to be staying at another buddies condo for free, and says he needs to go to keep his sanity and get away from the bitter cold for a few days. I asked him to get credit for our tickets for another time when I can afford to go. He won't do it. I said to him, " why would you want to go without me anyhow? This will be the second weekend in a row you will be going away without me." He said that his wanting to get away has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I think thats bulls**t! It's obvious his needs and wants come first, if this guy is as crazy about me as he says, why won't he sacrifice the Florida trip??? Am I wrong to feel like I don't come first in his life? I mean when you are beginning to date, all you want to do is be with that person! Adivce please...should I just tell him to f-off for good or what?