control of emotions?

[yes]

Tony,

 

you always tell people that its the person who CHOOSES to get upset or happy about something, that only the person herself has control over her feelings and emotions.

 

right?

 

well, if so - how do u do that? do u just naturally do it, or u had to learn it, or come to it?

 

i am asking b/c often my feelings and my mind run in opposite direction, and im not sure how to put them back together ...

 

thanks,

 

yes

[unnamed]

The only way is to control it -- its not natural. It is something that, for a split second, you have the opportunity to take offence or agree with the situation. You must make the decision before the feeling kicks in, and this control has to be developed.

 

For example, if you found your boyfriend had cheated on you, immediately, you have two options: Get Angry. You become very angry at your boyfriend, not understanding why he could cheat on you. Or you could Be Happy, because if your boyfriend is disrespectful enough to cheat on you, he isn't worth any more hurt.

 

It all boils down to the moment before you know your going to feel sad, good, etc. It is very difficult, and is not easy to control your emotions all the time.

 

So try it. Next time you find something out, before you react mentally, think about the positive/negative elements to the information, and decide how you want to feel!

 

But a word of caution: controlling your emotions may lead to completely ignoring "bad" things in your life, which inevitably means a buildup inside. That can be unheathly.

 

I know I'm not Tony, but maybe this might help.

[Tony T]

People actually die and go to their graves thinking it was OTHER PEOPLE who caused them to be angry, jealous, envious, depressed, anxious, fearful, etc. In actuality, we make a choice on how to respond to outside stimulous based on the training we learned very early on in our childhood.

 

For instance, if we fall down when we are very small and our parents express fear as they rush to our aid and grab us, we become startled and the associate fear with falling down. Later on in life that translates into a fear of heights, which is actually a fear of falling.

 

By observation, we see our parents reponds in various ways to other stimuli. If our father gets angry when dinner isn't ready on time, it's likely that we may grow up to choose anger when we don't get our way. If dad can do it, why can't we?

 

Well, there are rational approaches to emotions and irrational ones. Anger is not very rational because it has no good purpose except to raise our blood pressure, cause gradual damage to our cardiovascular system, and cause other problems that can lead us to an early death. From a social standpoint, people don't care for people who get angry a lot. Use a good internet search engine to read articles which talk about the link between anger and heart attacks.

 

First of all, everybody seems to have their own raquet...that is, their favorite negative emotion. When some people wants to upset themselves and feel bad, they get angry if anger is their raquet. Others decide they will get depressed. Some may be worriers and therefore experience fear as their favorite emotion. Many like the guilt thing while others pounce right on that vulnerability to use guilt to manipulate these people. Whatever negative emotion you feel most often is your raquet.

 

Well, there are far more appropriate and rational ways to react to the world, to be kind to yourself, to live longer, and to be much happier. For instance, instead of getting angry, you could feel disappointment...much more realistic. Anger will not solve any problem and more than likely make it worse. And it takes it's toll on the body.

 

If you don't think emotions are decisions, just look at any public event and see how people react. For instance, a plane is disabled and can't leave Paris for a whole day. Passengers are told they must stay in a hotel overnight until a replacement airplane arrives. Some people get very angry because they "needed" to make a connecting flight in New York. Others are thrilled to get an extra day of shopping in Paris. Some are relieved that the mechanical problems were found before the flight took off and very happy experience the delay. Still others are "in the clouds" because they can go to that restaurant they missed. One event, many reactions...based on many decisions.

 

If you sit and just think about why you feel certain ways, you can start feeling really foolish. Why am I feeling angry? I am feeling angry because somebody didn't act like I wanted them to act...or something didn't happen the way I wanted it to happen. Well, tough tutties. People are going to behave the way they will until the end of the world. And things will happen exactly as they will. Why not just go with the flow that react negatively. No reaction is going to change anything. Greater change can be effected by being calm and rational. Many relationships would have lasted much longer had one or both of the parties remained sane instead of going bonkers of petty junk.

 

Being able to accept behavior and deal with it appropriately is far better than getting all hot under the collar. And if you're not angry most of the time, that means your life is going pretty much like you want it to. So why not have an instance here and there where it goes awry? Instead of being angry, just get disappointed...or maybe frustrated and then move on. Better yet, just decide that you're going to be just fine in an hour...so why not just go there right now and forget the whole thing. It's just not nice making yourself upset. It's actually pretty dumb. I mean, you're doing this to yourself. It's like taking your fist and giving yourself a black eye...except your giving yourself an emotional black eye.

 

Reactive depression occurs when some life situation is very sad, such as the break up of a relationship or the death of a loved one. It is very appropriate to be sad. When we were little, we watched adults go to pieces when these things happened so as adults we think we just have to go bonkers ourselves. The appropriate response is to be sad, disappointed, etc. rather than depressed. As a matter of fact, most psychologists say depression is anger turned inward.

 

Depression is for people who's favorite emotion is NOT anger. So instead of getting mad, they get depressed. Well, of course it would have been better had the break up not occurred and it's certainly inconvenient. We shouldn't feel happy about that but it's absolutely insane to go to the depths of depression about it as well.

 

Buy "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything," a book by Dr. Albert Ellis. He is founder of the Institute for Rational Living in New York and is author of many books featuring a therapty he developed called REM (Rational Emotive Therapy).

 

This is the URL of just on of hundreds of sites that feature material and books on how to manage your emotions for a happier life. Cut and paste into your browser: http://www.sosprograms.com/eothers.htm

 

Many people do not understand the concept that we control our decisions on how we feel. As a matter of fact, we make the decision to fall in love or not to fall in love. There's nothing magical about it, no magic potion or dust that overcomes us...it's a cognitive decision we make as human beings just like every other feeling. And the act of falling out of love is likewise a decision.

 

I urge you to work on learning how to react appropriately and rationally to the world so you won't get all worked up and spend needless energy on worthless emotions like guilt...what the hell do you get out of feeling guilty? Gimmee a break. You do something you regret, you do your best to make it right, forgive yourself, and move on. DUH...sitting around and feeling bad doesn't undo anything and has no constructive value in your life whatsoever. And people you wrong could care less whether you feel guilty or not. As a matter of fact, if they are rational they will be disappointed in you but they will forgive you and move on themselves.

[yes]

People actually die and go to their graves thinking it was OTHER PEOPLE who caused them to be angry, jealous, envious, depressed, anxious, fearful, etc. In actuality, we make a choice on how to respond to outside stimulous based on the training we learned very early on in our childhood.

 

For instance, if we fall down when we are very small and our parents express fear as they rush to our aid and grab us, we become startled and the associate fear with falling down. Later on in life that translates into a fear of heights, which is actually a fear of falling. By observation, we see our parents reponds in various ways to other stimuli. If our father gets angry when dinner isn't ready on time, it's likely that we may grow up to choose anger when we don't get our way. If dad can do it, why can't we? Well, there are rational approaches to emotions and irrational ones. Anger is not very rational because it has no good purpose except to raise our blood pressure, cause gradual damage to our cardiovascular system, and cause other problems that can lead us to an early death. From a social standpoint, people don't care for people who get angry a lot. Use a good internet search engine to read articles which talk about the link between anger and heart attacks. First of all, everybody seems to have their own raquet...that is, their favorite negative emotion. When some people wants to upset themselves and feel bad, they get angry if anger is their raquet. Others decide they will get depressed. Some may be worriers and therefore experience fear as their favorite emotion. Many like the guilt thing while others pounce right on that vulnerability to use guilt to manipulate these people. Whatever negative emotion you feel most often is your raquet. Well, there are far more appropriate and rational ways to react to the world, to be kind to yourself, to live longer, and to be much happier. For instance, instead of getting angry, you could feel disappointment...much more realistic. Anger will not solve any problem and more than likely make it worse. And it takes it's toll on the body.

 

If you don't think emotions are decisions, just look at any public event and see how people react. For instance, a plane is disabled and can't leave Paris for a whole day. Passengers are told they must stay in a hotel overnight until a replacement airplane arrives. Some people get very angry because they "needed" to make a connecting flight in New York. Others are thrilled to get an extra day of shopping in Paris. Some are relieved that the mechanical problems were found before the flight took off and very happy experience the delay. Still others are "in the clouds" because they can go to that restaurant they missed. One event, many reactions...based on many decisions.

 

If you sit and just think about why you feel certain ways, you can start feeling really foolish. Why am I feeling angry? I am feeling angry because somebody didn't act like I wanted them to act...or something didn't happen the way I wanted it to happen. Well, tough tutties. People are going to behave the way they will until the end of the world. And things will happen exactly as they will. Why not just go with the flow that react negatively. No reaction is going to change anything. Greater change can be effected by being calm and rational. Many relationships would have lasted much longer had one or both of the parties remained sane instead of going bonkers of petty junk. Being able to accept behavior and deal with it appropriately is far better than getting all hot under the collar. And if you're not angry most of the time, that means your life is going pretty much like you want it to. So why not have an instance here and there where it goes awry? Instead of being angry, just get disappointed...or maybe frustrated and then move on. Better yet, just decide that you're going to be just fine in an hour...so why not just go there right now and forget the whole thing. It's just not nice making yourself upset. It's actually pretty dumb. I mean, you're doing this to yourself. It's like taking your fist and giving yourself a black eye...except your giving yourself an emotional black eye. Reactive depression occurs when some life situation is very sad, such as the break up of a relationship or the death of a loved one. It is very appropriate to be sad. When we were little, we watched adults go to pieces when these things happened so as adults we think we just have to go bonkers ourselves. The appropriate response is to be sad, disappointed, etc. rather than depressed. As a matter of fact, most psychologists say depression is anger turned inward. Depression is for people who's favorite emotion is NOT anger. So instead of getting mad, they get depressed. Well, of course it would have been better had the break up not occurred and it's certainly inconvenient. We shouldn't feel happy about that but it's absolutely insane to go to the depths of depression about it as well. Buy "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything," a book by Dr. Albert Ellis. He is founder of the Institute for Rational Living in New York and is author of many books featuring a therapty he developed called REM (Rational Emotive Therapy). This is the URL of just on of hundreds of sites that feature material and books on how to manage your emotions for a happier life. Cut and paste into your browser: http://www.sosprograms.com/eothers.htm

 

Many people do not understand the concept that we control our decisions on how we feel. As a matter of fact, we make the decision to fall in love or not to fall in love. There's nothing magical about it, no magic potion or dust that overcomes us...it's a cognitive decision we make as human beings just like every other feeling. And the act of falling out of love is likewise a decision. I urge you to work on learning how to react appropriately and rationally to the world so you won't get all worked up and spend needless energy on worthless emotions like guilt...what the hell do you get out of feeling guilty? Gimmee a break. You do something you regret, you do your best to make it right, forgive yourself, and move on. DUH...sitting around and feeling bad doesn't undo anything and has no constructive value in your life whatsoever. And people you wrong could care less whether you feel guilty or not. As a matter of fact, if they are rational they will be disappointed in you but they will forgive you and move on themselves.

 

[yes]

hi!

 

tony, thanks for your elaborate response. ive been looking at some sites and books related to the matter.

 

one thing u said stood out for me: u say that a person CHOOSES to fall in love?

 

really?

 

what about being attracted to someone? do we choose to do that too?

 

what about all those talks about love is blind, etc.? Just that ... the statement that we choose to fall in love doesn't fit the general image of love, in our culture, at least ...

 

so all the mysteriously appearing special feeling for someone is all a myth? you're saying i can pick any person, and CHOOSE to be attracted and then fall in love w/ 'em? really?

 

Thanks...

 

-yes

[Tony T]

1. "one thing u said stood out for me: u say that a person CHOOSES to fall in love?

 

Absolutely. Nature doesn't force love on anybody.

 

2. "really?"

 

Really

 

3. "what about being attracted to someone? do we choose to do that too?"

 

Yes, you decide based on what sorts of things are attractive to you in someone...in your case it could be his personality, his looks, his car, his education, his broad shoulders, his billionaire father...whatever. You take in that data and decide whether or not you are attracted to that person. A lot of it depends on where you are in life. People decide to fall in love at different times in their life for different reasons.

 

No, don't confused love with infatuation. Infatuation is simply a temporary chemical rush due to a person's appearance or the overwhelming impression you got from them. Infatuation can only turn into love if they end up having the characteristics you admire in a person.

 

Infatuation is definitely blind. Love is not blind. The blindness enters the picture when your decision is based on lies and other false data you get from your love object.

 

Sometimes, this process happens in an instant but sometimes it can take weeks or months to happen. The longer it takes, the longer the relationship will last as a rule.

 

4. "what about all those talks about love is blind, etc.?"

 

Real love isn't blind. It is loving someone regardless of their imperfections, shortcomings, etc. Infatuation is blind. You can be smitten by someone who you will be repulsed by in time after getting to know them and their personality, habits, criminal record, etc.

 

5. "Just that ... the statement that we choose to fall in love doesn't fit the general image of love, in our culture, at least ..."

 

Oh, yes it does. Have you ever been FORCED to fall in love with anybody? Does someone put a gun to your head to fall in love with someone? Do you think some magic dust falls upon you for this to happen? Of course not. You consciously or subconsciously make the decision to fall in love with a person based on a complex set of criteria. Believe it or not, some people fall in love because the other person physically resembles an ex who may have hurt them in the past.

 

6. "so all the mysteriously appearing special feeling for someone is all a myth?"

 

Well, depends on what you're talking about. But if love is a mystery to you, you're in big trouble. Obviously love happens in mysterious ways for a lot of people. In America, half the people who fall in love and get married end up in divorce court.

 

There is a lot of chemistry involved in falling in love but it's certainly not involutary. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, you won't...I promise. It's strictly up to you.

 

7. "you're saying i can pick any person, and CHOOSE to be attracted and then fall in love w/ 'em? really?"

 

No. The person should have generally the characteristics that you admire. A lot of women will elect to fall in love with a guy whose personality or other qualities closely resemble that of their father's. A lot of women will fall in love with someone who is just the opposite of their father. There are actually textbook cases of females falling in love with a member of a race that their father strongly disliked...simply to get back at their father who may have been abusive, etc.

 

But, yes, I think you can meet someone and CHOOSE to be attracted to them after a period if they are generally presentable and nice. Who you are attracted to and the decision you make has a lot to do with where you are in life, how close you are to the end of your childbearing capacity, if you're looking for a rebound love, if you need a father for your child, etc.

 

A person who is financially secure, emotionally stable, etc. with no particular agenda will probably be more picky about the person they make the decision fall in love with. Others who may be more in a hurry may be more inclined to make an unsound judgement based on the wrong criteria and end up hurt.

 

Don't hurry love!

[yes]

You said:

 

You consciously or subconsciously make the decision to fall in love with a person based on a complex set of criteria.

 

subconsciously... how much control do we have over our subconsciousness, if such a thing exists?

 

By the way - I've looked through some advice about control of emotions on the net, and have already tried it out - works!... something happened today that would normally make me down, but nope - it didn't. B/c i thought about it n decided its not worth being upset about b/c it has no real effect on me...

 

So thanks

 

Oh yeah, and you said don't rush love ... i don't. right now, im rushing understanding how things work - inside n outside of me.

 

-yes

 

1. "one thing u said stood out for me: u say that a person CHOOSES to fall in love? Absolutely. Nature doesn't force love on anybody. 2. "really?" Really 3. "what about being attracted to someone? do we choose to do that too?" Yes, you decide based on what sorts of things are attractive to you in someone...in your case it could be his personality, his looks, his car, his education, his broad shoulders, his billionaire father...whatever. You take in that data and decide whether or not you are attracted to that person. A lot of it depends on where you are in life. People decide to fall in love at different times in their life for different reasons. No, don't confused love with infatuation. Infatuation is simply a temporary chemical rush due to a person's appearance or the overwhelming impression you got from them. Infatuation can only turn into love if they end up having the characteristics you admire in a person. Infatuation is definitely blind. Love is not blind. The blindness enters the picture when your decision is based on lies and other false data you get from your love object. Sometimes, this process happens in an instant but sometimes it can take weeks or months to happen. The longer it takes, the longer the relationship will last as a rule. 4. "what about all those talks about love is blind, etc.?" Real love isn't blind. It is loving someone regardless of their imperfections, shortcomings, etc. Infatuation is blind. You can be smitten by someone who you will be repulsed by in time after getting to know them and their personality, habits, criminal record, etc. 5. "Just that ... the statement that we choose to fall in love doesn't fit the general image of love, in our culture, at least ..."

 

Oh, yes it does. Have you ever been FORCED to fall in love with anybody? Does someone put a gun to your head to fall in love with someone? Do you think some magic dust falls upon you for this to happen? Of course not. You consciously or subconsciously make the decision to fall in love with a person based on a complex set of criteria. Believe it or not, some people fall in love because the other person physically resembles an ex who may have hurt them in the past. 6. "so all the mysteriously appearing special feeling for someone is all a myth?"

 

Well, depends on what you're talking about. But if love is a mystery to you, you're in big trouble. Obviously love happens in mysterious ways for a lot of people. In America, half the people who fall in love and get married end up in divorce court. There is a lot of chemistry involved in falling in love but it's certainly not involutary. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, you won't...I promise. It's strictly up to you. 7. "you're saying i can pick any person, and CHOOSE to be attracted and then fall in love w/ 'em? really?" No. The person should have generally the characteristics that you admire. A lot of women will elect to fall in love with a guy whose personality or other qualities closely resemble that of their father's. A lot of women will fall in love with someone who is just the opposite of their father. There are actually textbook cases of females falling in love with a member of a race that their father strongly disliked...simply to get back at their father who may have been abusive, etc. But, yes, I think you can meet someone and CHOOSE to be attracted to them after a period if they are generally presentable and nice. Who you are attracted to and the decision you make has a lot to do with where you are in life, how close you are to the end of your childbearing capacity, if you're looking for a rebound love, if you need a father for your child, etc. A person who is financially secure, emotionally stable, etc. with no particular agenda will probably be more picky about the person they make the decision fall in love with. Others who may be more in a hurry may be more inclined to make an unsound judgement based on the wrong criteria and end up hurt. Don't hurry love!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "subconsciously... how much control do we have over our subconsciousness, if such a thing exists?"

 

Such a thing exists and you have no control over it because it is sub, or below, the level of conscious thinking. But your subconscious only contributes to your decision making. You cannot do anything unless you are conscious or aware you are doing it...unless you are extremely drunk, extremely high on drugs, or have been preprogramed by a highly qualified hypnotist.