I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[chadnickole]

Ouch...Chad..

 

That has really gotta hurt. But I have to say... It was a bad idea in the first place to try and reconcile through sex... bad way to start a relationship... cause when the sex is not so good... what are you left with...

 

Been there... last LTR... started through sex... and when it started getting old and tired.. things changed... nothing really in common... found out she was ... actually someone I did not like.

 

You gotta ... start slow... keep the sex out of it.... Like many first dates... well ones that don't involve sex...

 

Sex confuses things... I think especially for men... (can't speak for the ladies )

 

I have seen that when many men.. have sex with a woman... and they have feelings for her... they start to have expectations... and if you are attempting to reconcile with someone... you should be focused on rebuilding the trust.. reconnecting at the emotional level. Not getting all crazy because the sex is good. (Although that is great when/ if people reconcile.)

 

Listen to LJ... Plan B is what I would do... DARK.. cause your W is messing with your.. mind.. Blatantly messing with your mind. Also... threating to have you charged...Nice.... after you let her use your puter...

 

Stop playing her games...k

 

Best of luck bud.. and stay strong!

 

We are here for you.

 

ilmw

 

Well as far as she know's, from what I've told her I'm completely Done with her silly A$$. She is very short and still pissed at me!! go figure yeah I invaded her privacy she just plain dissrespected me and put me in a position a contracting some STD or something!! The game playing is done!! But my desire is still there!! Some one please Smack me with a 2X4

 

I took alot of shots to the head last night in Kickboxing class and it didn't seem to wake me up.........LOL:o

 

Thank You all as usual!!

[Gunny376]

What is your major malfuntion, there numb~nuts?! You're in the prime of your life! You're in your 20's for Christmas Sake! And, you're dwelling over this one little girl?! And, she's a little girl, playing little girl games as though she's stiil in HS!

 

You? You know the deal, you're a man, out here in the real world, dealing with the day to day of trying to have something, be something, get somewhere!! Quit wasting your time on this little girl ~ go find yourself a real woman who's going to appreciate what you've got to offer, what you've got to bring to the table. Quit dragging this dead horse around everywhere you go. You've done your best, you've gave it your best for the sake of your son ~ but you know what? You can still be an outstanding father without this gal.

 

Get out while you can ~ don't piss away the best of your life with somone who doesn't appreciate what your offering ~ scaraficing!

[a4a]

What is your major malfuntion, there numb~nuts?! You're in the prime of your life! You're in your 20's for Christmas Sake! And, you're dwelling over this one little girl?! And, she's a little girl, playing little girl games as though she's stiil in HS!

 

You? You know the deal, you're a man, out here in the real world, dealing with the day to day of trying to have something, be something, get somewhere!! Quit wasting your time on this little girl ~ go find yourself a real woman who's going to appreciate what you've got to offer, what you've got to bring to the table. Quit dragging this dead horse around everywhere you go. You've done your best, you've gave it your best for the sake of your son ~ but you know what? You can still be an outstanding father without this gal.

 

Get out while you can ~ don't piss away the best of your life with somone who doesn't appreciate what your offering ~ scaraficing!

 

Word! Time to move on............

[chadnickole]

What is your major malfuntion, there numb~nuts?! You're in the prime of your life! You're in your 20's for Christmas Sake! And, you're dwelling over this one little girl?! And, she's a little girl, playing little girl games as though she's stiil in HS!

 

You? You know the deal, you're a man, out here in the real world, dealing with the day to day of trying to have something, be something, get somewhere!! Quit wasting your time on this little girl ~ go find yourself a real woman who's going to appreciate what you've got to offer, what you've got to bring to the table. Quit dragging this dead horse around everywhere you go. You've done your best, you've gave it your best for the sake of your son ~ but you know what? You can still be an outstanding father without this gal.

 

Get out while you can ~ don't piss away the best of your life with somone who doesn't appreciate what your offering ~ scaraficing!

 

That is exactly what I Needed, Thank You GUNZ your right, Time to put my money were my mouth is!!

[Ladyjane14]

So plan B is No-Contact Esept when neccisary concerning my Son??

 

Optimally, you'd have NO contact with your WS at all. Type in the words "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" for more details.

 

When you have children though, it's not always feasible to have complete NC. That said, there's ALOT you can do to minimize it. For starters, you can run her communications through a third party in order to clean them up before you see them. IOW, a friend or family member would give you her messages, stripping them down to emotionless fact before they got to you.

 

You can make visitation exchanges through a third party as well. You wouldn't take calls from your WS unless it was an all-out emergency, and the first time she misused THAT privilege, you'd direct even those to a 'contact person'. This is a "dark" Plan B. They don't see you or talk to you... period.

 

A more modified Plan B would involve taking her emails as they pertain to co-parenting, directing her financial questions to your attorney, and stringently disallowing any communications of a personal nature. Again, phone calls would be for emergencies only.

 

Realistically, Plan B will end at some point down the road. In cases where it results in permanent separation though, you've busted up all the old patterns and made room to set new precedents. That way, you can keep your ex from being up your butt all the time.

 

You've also allowed enough time for emotional wounds to heal a bit because you've kept the craziness out of your daily routine. In Plan B... you assiduously AVOID keeping tabs on the WS. If people start to tell you any gossip about her, you stop them in their tracks and let 'em know you don't want to hear it.

 

 

p.s. Dude, when you ask a retired Marine for a 2x4 upside the head... he gives you one!

Be careful what you ask for.

[Gunny376]

p.s. Dude, when you ask a retired Marine for a 2x4 upside the head... he gives you one!

Be careful what you ask for.

 

& a couple of :)

[chadnickole]

Optimally, you'd have NO contact with your WS at all. Type in the words "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" for more details.

 

When you have children though, it's not always feasible to have complete NC. That said, there's ALOT you can do to minimize it. For starters, you can run her communications through a third party in order to clean them up before you see them. IOW, a friend or family member would give you her messages, stripping them down to emotionless fact before they got to you.

 

You can make visitation exchanges through a third party as well. You wouldn't take calls from your WS unless it was an all-out emergency, and the first time she misused THAT privilege, you'd direct even those to a 'contact person'. This is a "dark" Plan B. They don't see you or talk to you... period.

 

A more modified Plan B would involve taking her emails as they pertain to co-parenting, directing her financial questions to your attorney, and stringently disallowing any communications of a personal nature. Again, phone calls would be for emergencies only.

 

Realistically, Plan B will end at some point down the road. In cases where it results in permanent separation though, you've busted up all the old patterns and made room to set new precedents. That way, you can keep your ex from being up your butt all the time.

 

You've also allowed enough time for emotional wounds to heal a bit because you've kept the craziness out of your daily routine. In Plan B... you assiduously AVOID keeping tabs on the WS. If people start to tell you any gossip about her, you stop them in their tracks and let 'em know you don't want to hear it.

 

 

p.s. Dude, when you ask a retired Marine for a 2x4 upside the head... he gives you one!

Be careful what you ask for.

 

yeah well I need that sometimes for sure I'm a stubborn SOB who sets his mind to something and just won't let go at times!! :p

[chadnickole]

& a couple of :)

 

 

It works wonders, I just gotta come get smacked offten cause it seems to wear off after a bit:laugh:

[ilmw]

yeah well I need that sometimes for sure I'm a stubborn SOB who sets his mind to something and just won't let go at times!! :p

 

There is a thin thread between obsessive... stubborn..and tenacious..which one are you........:laugh:...

[chadnickole]

There is a thin thread between obsessive... stubborn..and tenacious..which one are you........:laugh:...

 

 

Don't know Ask the STBX and I'm obsessive:eek: Ask me I just a glutton to punishment:rolleyes: Ask my Shrink I'm slightly OCD:p

 

Naww I'm stubborn:o

[jmargel]

Chad you really need to see a counselor, you are putting your own self-worth into your ex. There is no excuse for what she is doing, and by eliminating all contact except for your son, you are making her face her demons. You are romantizing the past and still in denial. Look up the 5 stages of grief, I believe you are experiencing this.

 

This relationship has turned into.. I don't know what you call it but whatever it's labeled, it's destructive. It's not healthy and nothing good will come from it. You'll never be able to trust her again and right now she's too far out there to even think about settling down with *anybody*.

 

You can't fix her, you can't show her what is wrong, you can't make things better. It's time to move on for yourself and start thinking about your own happiness. A happiness that does not involve her.

[chadnickole]

Chad you really need to see a counselor, you are putting your own self-worth into your ex. There is no excuse for what she is doing, and by eliminating all contact except for your son, you are making her face her demons. You are romantizing the past and still in denial. Look up the 5 stages of grief, I believe you are experiencing this.

 

This relationship has turned into.. I don't know what you call it but whatever it's labeled, it's destructive. It's not healthy and nothing good will come from it. You'll never be able to trust her again and right now she's too far out there to even think about settling down with *anybody*.

 

You can't fix her, you can't show her what is wrong, you can't make things better. It's time to move on for yourself and start thinking about your own happiness. A happiness that does not involve her.

 

Hey J its good to here from ya, I'm sure you have been lookin in on me from time to time shaking your head wishing you could hit me with that brick from there!! LOL!! You are right I have defined myself allot threw this marriage and the definition speaks to me as if I'm an idiot (my words) I am much better than what she treats me as, like you said this is her Demon's because I've been working on losing mine and she yhink that her Demons are mine!! Nothing is her fault she can justifie everything she has done......No grown, No change, No chance.......I'm done, just gotta save my son and allow him to see a semi stable person in his life!!!

[MoonGirl]

Right on! Your son needs to see some stability. You can do it!

 

Define yourself in a new way...without taking your ex or your marriage into consideration. It's not that you can't look back and learn from your past, but you can't keep dwelling on it. You do not own HER demons, and you will probably never be able to convince her otherwise, so don't even bother trying. Pick your dignity off the floor, sling it over your shoulder, and move on.

[PWSX3]

Chad, it's been a while & I was just wondering how things are going????

 

If there is any updates, please let us know what'z up?

[chadnickole]

Chad, it's been a while & I was just wondering how things are going????

 

If there is any updates, please let us know what'z up?

 

Hey Yall, all is fine in the world of Chad. I've just been doing my thing............taking care of my life and my responcibiltys and just having fun!! Meeting new people including woman and just kinda dating and what not............I've been able to get past any anger towards the ex and things are mostly smooth on that side of it, though she did kinda freak out on me since she has caught wind, I've been talking to other women!! She told me that she was concidering giving me another chance!! to which i told her that she is full of **** and it is not her choice anymore............... And said "that if you want back in your gonna have to prove yourself, and that will not be an easy task" But I am not putting my life on hold this time, I'm gonna continue talking and seeing who I choose untill if and when i decide were I hold her at!! I have nothing to prove to her anymore, but she has every thing to prove to me as far as I'm concerned!!

 

But all in all I'm happy wuth the way things are going in my life, I get to see my son all the time I have my free time to be myself and I'm just enjoying life...............................All is good

 

 

Oh yeah GUNNY Ibought the "dating black book" by Carlos, so far it is pretty damn good it reminded me of how i was in the past (much more confident and indifferant to Woman) to how I had become (whiny, clingy and needy) which is very bad!!!

 

Thanks all for your thoughts and your advice over the months that at times have felt like years....................LOL

[chadnickole]

Bump for Perry

[ilmw]

Hey Yall, all is fine in the world of Chad. I've just been doing my thing............taking care of my life and my responcibiltys and just having fun!! Meeting new people including woman and just kinda dating and what not............I've been able to get past any anger towards the ex and things are mostly smooth on that side of it, though she did kinda freak out on me since she has caught wind, I've been talking to other women!! She told me that she was concidering giving me another chance!! to which i told her that she is full of **** and it is not her choice anymore............... And said "that if you want back in your gonna have to prove yourself, and that will not be an easy task" But I am not putting my life on hold this time, I'm gonna continue talking and seeing who I choose untill if and when i decide were I hold her at!! I have nothing to prove to her anymore, but she has every thing to prove to me as far as I'm concerned!!

 

But all in all I'm happy wuth the way things are going in my life, I get to see my son all the time I have my free time to be myself and I'm just enjoying life...............................All is good

 

 

Oh yeah GUNNY Ibought the "dating black book" by Carlos, so far it is pretty damn good it reminded me of how i was in the past (much more confident and indifferant to Woman) to how I had become (whiny, clingy and needy) which is very bad!!!

 

Thanks all for your thoughts and your advice over the months that at times have felt like years....................LOL

 

Sounds like you are doing good.... getting it together.. and doing what yah gotta do..

 

And yeah... the Carlos stuff is pretty good stuff.

 

BTW... my DW found the Alpha male... down load on my old computer... had to do some fancy foot work to explain that one.. (thought I deleted it all) Ooops.......... She wasn't pissed .. but I did explain it was recommended reading.. for me to get, for some personal growth.

 

Also... if you didn't get the CD's I recommend them too... some really good stuff to listen to over and over again.. I still listen to it on the way to work... and on the return trip. Helps you stay focused... and not wuss out.

 

Take er easy bud.

 

Ilmw

[chadnickole]

hey all just a quick update, it has been two weeks since the Wife has decided to make it all up to me. Even though i was reluctant to give her the chance (I had some real nice options) I decided that if she could and would addmit her faults, work on them and agree to M.C. that I would be willing to work on it. (in reality don't tell her, but I would have anyway for my Son) She, so far has lived up to her end. She also just told me the other day that she now realizes I'm the best thing that has ever happened too her, and was happy that she figured it out before it was too late. (she had no idea how close it was, maybe she did!!) She is in the process of moving back in (I know kinda quick, but her lease is up soon) besides it wouldn't hurt as badly if she had to move out again!! We went and picked out New Rings for a new start. and get this I let her pick hers out and both our rings together came to just over 600$ not bad!! So far things are going well and we have both gotten alot of things out and I think we have a much better understanding of eachother...............Of course it will not be a cake walk by any meens, but I'm pretty sure it will all be okay............Of course there is some tension as far as the three of us under the same roof so much, it is gonna take some re-adjusting thats for sure.........I see a huge improvment in how much my son is acting he is very loving and turning into quite the the little comic...........LOL!! that alone will keep me on the right path as far as becoming a better husband and father...........Hope fully it will do the same for her!!

 

Talk to yall later

Chad

[sumdude]

Xcellent! Another reunion story on the boards! Good luck with it, keep your eyes wide open and watch out for those flags.

[PWSX3]

Chad this is good news & I hope the best for you guys.

 

Since we are now kind of in the same boat I would like to share some thoughts and questions with you that are going thru my head since the W moved back a few weeks ago.

 

We did start talking about it around Valentines Day and then on our Anniversary last month is when we really started talking & she even spent the night for the first time.

 

I still wonder how they (My wife & your wife) can be so ready to come back just in a few weeks after being gone for months?? Just like you said; do they realize they can't make it on there own & they better get back to something that is safe? Or do they know that they love the person they left & that they do want to make things work?

 

Like I said my W has been back in the house for a while, but you know I don't see a lot of changes. She is still the same person around the house, she does speak up a little more for herself but as far as changes, haven't seen many.

 

I have decided to leave it up to her to figure how and what she wants to move back in, I don't want to tell her what to do.

 

I also have wondered; you, me, & others here on the board have really worked on who we are, what we could do to better ourselves & our marriage. We have read books, did some serious thinking about ourselves but has your W or mine done any of that? I am still reading books on relationships in the evening but she is reading her noval books.

 

I know we need to set down and talk about issues that pertain to what is going to be done around the house but we haven't done that.

 

She says she likes how the house looks but the way her apartment looked doesn't show me that. She talks about being dedicated to our money situations but when I talk about some things I feel we need to do she doesn't say much or have her own ideas to share, she just says we need to take it slow and just see how things are going.

 

I guess what I'm saying is to make sure and take is slow, I know you said her lease is up but you can still take it slow.

 

I am learning it is very easy to fall back into the old routine if you let yourself do it. It's very easy to get back into that comfort zone and that is one place you DO NOT WANT TO BE!!!

 

I hope the only reason you are getting back together isn't for your son because if that is the case I feel you will not be happy and things will just go back to how they were.

 

I understand what you mean when you say; things are different. Sometimes I just feel like I have a roommate with benefits right now. She does her thing, & I do mine and we don't do a lot together but then that just might be us.

 

Keep posting, let us know how things go.

[chadnickole]

I kinda think that the reason she flipped so quickly was a combination of things...........One being that I was moving on and dating other women (fear I would be gone for good) The tight money situation, she got to see just how slim the pick of good guys there is out there and of course our Son............The reason that I wanted this to work was not just my son, I do love her and also believe in marriage and trying to be the better person and do what is right.

 

As far as bettering ourselves well we have, but I'm hoping that the M.C, will help her to see more of her faults. But just her admitting to them says alot in my book, that is a huge step for her........She did agree to raed some of the books i've read and listen to the audio programs I have about how to create a better marriage.

 

I know that i'm nt out of the clouds yet nore am I close, if fact I probaly just stepped into then, and need to keep wide eyed even more!!

 

Hell I guess to sum it up, try and lead by example!!

 

 

When I figure out more I'll let ya in on it!! LOL

 

TTYL

[Gunny376]

As an official "old fart" (today is my B'day ~ the big 50!) I can tell you that you've got to keep your guard up. You've got to date your mate, and keep your venglence in doing that which it took to get her to begin with. Continue with the MC, and continue with the reading, I'd recommend Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and Dr. Ellen Kreidmen's "Light Her Fire" program. Of course there's the MarriageBuilder's website.

 

Remeber that 90% of all divorce petitions are filed by women and the number one reason for their doing so is "emotional neglect"

 

Glad to hear that you and DW are back together! :bunny:

[chadnickole]

As an official "old fart" (today is my B'day ~ the big 50!) I can tell you that you've got to keep your guard up. You've got to date your mate, and keep your venglence in doing that which it took to get her to begin with. Continue with the MC, and continue with the reading, I'd recommend Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and Dr. Ellen Kreidmen's "Light Her Fire" program. Of course there's the MarriageBuilder's website.

 

Remeber that 90% of all divorce petitions are filed by women and the number one reason for their doing so is "emotional neglect"

 

Glad to hear that you and DW are back together! :bunny:

 

 

FIRST OFF Happy Birthday, You are now officialy over the hill great to see ya made it. I'll be there is 21 years..........LOL ..........Thanks for the advice Guns, My eyes are open and I don't plan on making the same mistakes twice...........I'll have to pick up that book by Dr Phil and I have the Light her fire book.............

thanks again

[Ladyjane14]

Congratulations, Chad.

 

Heed what these guys are telling you. Be gentle with one another, courteous, and mind that you don't build in any big expectations yet. You might also want to read the Why Women Leave Men article over at MB, if you haven't read it before.

 

 

 

And to Gunny....

 

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

(...and, uh...it might be best if you didn't read what else I've been posting about 50 year-old guys today.... something about "gnarly old asses","billy goats", "cattle prods"... but you've got to put that all in context... right?... you know what I mean.... )

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[Gunny376]

 

 

And to Gunny....

 

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

(...and, uh...it might be best if you didn't read what else I've been posting about 50 year-old guys today.... something about "gnarly old asses","billy goats", "cattle prods"... but you've got to put that all in context... right?... you know what I mean.... )

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Thanks Chad and LJ! I'm actually only 21 ~ I've just got 29 years worth of practice at being 21! Would love to chat but my 21 year old GF is taking my 50 year "gnarly billygoat old ass out to lunch!",~ :lmao: :lmao: