I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[Wolfp]

Chad...Welcome to the board. I have a similar situation with my wife. Been on going for what...90 days I believe (actually if you count the pseudo-reconciliation only 10 days...I got a redo, guess I didnt screw up well enough the first time, but I digress). Listen closely to what these folks are telling you....you're every instinct is going to be push, prod, promise, plead, and generally make a nuisance of yourself which is only going to make her run, run way far away (hell, I'm no longer sure where mine is anymore). You want to violate the 32, you need to violate the 32...DONT! She has to see that you are in control of your emotions, control of yourself, in control of the situation. Remember, she is probably *****ing bricks now too. So just back up and take the opportunity to rediscover yourself, let her breath a bit. Trust me when I say, part of my problem is I lost me a few years back and I am just now getting to know myself once again. Ask yourself, were you happy or miserable before you met her? If the answer is happy, then you know you can be again. Its bleak, its dark, its confusing...gotta get control of the old ego and tell yourself, I will be ok without, I did it before, I can do it again. If you dont get your head and azz wired together, meaning you, you will not be able to operate effectively in this environment, eat (for gods sake eat, I lost 35lbs, best weight loss regimen I've ever been on [and there is an example, you gotta to find the plus in this crap sandwich at every turn]), sleep, exercise, go do stuff you like to do. Dont hang by the phone, dont sit in front of the computer, dont put your life on hold; your every instinct is going to tell you to wait, to just hold on. Dont! You cannot control what DW does, so you look for those things that you can control which is you. Take control! What is it Gunz??? Man-up or somesuch? 5 little letters say it all. Continue to visit the boards, bleed here, but dont bleed in front of deer wife. If she decides that there is no future between you two, then there is no future between you two...doesnt mean you dont have one for yourself. Go forth, its an adventure, its fun, rediscovering who you were before...GO! GO! GO!

[Wolfp]

Thank you for all of the emotion, Did I mention she started taking prozac when she shortly before she decided to give up on our marriage, I think it has made her act like a robot, is this a common thing

 

Mine was on prozac for a year due to problems with depression and suicidal ideations. Yes it inhibited extremes of emotion, its designed to do that. Like a robot, no, she could function normally day to day, she was just a little lackluster, but nothing like a robot.

[Wolfp]

One more thing...if your nights are sleepless, use it to your advantage. Read my friend read. Everything you can get your hands on about your situation. Use the time and prepare well.

[chadnickole]

I just wake up real early sometimes, I wanted to say thanks to every one who has given there two cents it is making me feel a little better about this

[ilmw]

Chad...Welcome to the board. I have a similar situation with my wife. Been on going for what...90 days I believe (actually if you count the pseudo-reconciliation only 10 days...I got a redo, guess I didnt screw up well enough the first time, but I digress). Listen closely to what these folks are telling you....you're every instinct is going to be push, prod, promise, plead, and generally make a nuisance of yourself which is only going to make her run, run way far away (hell, I'm no longer sure where mine is anymore). You want to violate the 32, you need to violate the 32...DONT! She has to see that you are in control of your emotions, control of yourself, in control of the situation. Remember, she is probably *****ing bricks now too. So just back up and take the opportunity to rediscover yourself, let her breath a bit. Trust me when I say, part of my problem is I lost me a few years back and I am just now getting to know myself once again. Ask yourself, were you happy or miserable before you met her? If the answer is happy, then you know you can be again. Its bleak, its dark, its confusing...gotta get control of the old ego and tell yourself, I will be ok without, I did it before, I can do it again. If you dont get your head and azz wired together, meaning you, you will not be able to operate effectively in this environment, eat (for gods sake eat, I lost 35lbs, best weight loss regimen I've ever been on [and there is an example, you gotta to find the plus in this crap sandwich at every turn]), sleep, exercise, go do stuff you like to do. Dont hang by the phone, dont sit in front of the computer, dont put your life on hold; your every instinct is going to tell you to wait, to just hold on. Dont! You cannot control what DW does, so you look for those things that you can control which is you. Take control! What is it Gunz??? Man-up or somesuch? 5 little letters say it all. Continue to visit the boards, bleed here, but dont bleed in front of deer wife. If she decides that there is no future between you two, then there is no future between you two...doesnt mean you dont have one for yourself. Go forth, its an adventure, its fun, rediscovering who you were before...GO! GO! GO!

 

Wolf.. Thx for saving me the time to type the above.. I could have wrote it almost word for word:laugh:

 

Scary eh?

ilmw

[chadnickole]

Mine was on prozac for a year due to problems with depression and suicidal ideations. Yes it inhibited extremes of emotion, its designed to do that. Like a robot, no, she could function normally day to day, she was just a little lackluster, but nothing like a robot.

 

 

The Saturday she was begging for me back she started taking the prozac, a week later she changed her mind about wanting us to work out.

Could the Prozac be the cause of her new feelings?

[a4a]

The 32 list

 

well I tell ya what... I am ready to walk out on the H.

If he pulled some of this list on me when I do go there is no chance in

hell that we will reconcile ever.

 

Much of it I would just consider another slap in the face by him and it would drive me further from him instantly.

 

But that is me.

[Wolfp]

The Saturday she was begging for me back she started taking the prozac, a week later she changed her mind about wanting us to work out.

Could the Prozac be the cause of her new feelings?

 

Nope...prozac takes time to build in the system...wanna say you have to take it for a month straight, then use during those moments when your depression hits you the worst. My wife's was always that week preceeding her menstruation cycle. She went off of it on her own declaring that she was all better. Take a walk through my thread. We are seperated by continents so I have absolutely no idea what is going on with her at this point. I have the two kids with me and we are prepping to move back to NC, so I am as busy as a 1 legged man in a azz kickin contest, which is good because it gives me something else to focus on.

[Lor]

The Saturday she was begging for me back she started taking the prozac, a week later she changed her mind about wanting us to work out.

Could the Prozac be the cause of her new feelings?

 

Nope, her actions are caused by her confusion over the situation. Don't expect anything rational right now and as I believe its #32--don't believe everything you hear. Don't take what she says to heart at this time--she's gonna say one thing one day and something else the next. that's why you need to give her time.

[Wolfp]

Wolf.. Thx for saving me the time to type the above.. I could have wrote it almost word for word:laugh:

 

Scary eh?

ilmw

 

Great minds think alike or is it misery loves company or is it miserable minds like to...eh...glad I could save your fingertips the trip.

[americat]

You want what you can't have and you only know what you've lost when it's gone.

No offense, but she controlled herself. You lied to her which makes the betrayal 1000 times worse. Maybe if you came clean, you'd have a chance, but she found out on her own what type of person you are. I'm not buying that you totally blacked out either that night. You woke up with panties in your pocket and KEPT THE PANTIES?? WTF! Why did you take them with you to your house instead of give them back to the rightful owner anyways? Doesn't even make sense.

 

She swears on our son that nothing did or will ever happen with her EX

 

Why should she make any promises to such a deceitful man such as yourself?

What happens in her life is no longer any of your business.

[chadnickole]

You want what you can't have and you only know what you've lost when it's gone.

No offense, but she controlled herself. You lied to her which makes the betrayal 1000 times worse. Maybe if you came clean, you'd have a chance, but she found out on her own what type of person you are. I'm not buying that you totally blacked out either that night. You woke up with panties in your pocket and KEPT THE PANTIES?? WTF! Why did you take them with you to your house instead of give them back to the rightful owner anyways? Doesn't even make sense.

 

She swears on our son that nothing did or will ever happen with her EX

 

 

Why should she make any promises to such a deceitful man such as yourself?

What happens in her life is no longer any of your business.

 

I might not ever be able to hold or hug my wife again, but if anything this whole messed opened my eyes to just how much I love my wife, You are obviously still hurting from your own issues, I'm sorry for your pain! I know that my marriage could very well be over, But what i've learned from this will carry with me forever, My wife and Son are the only things important to me. I hope your life improves and you can get past your anger issues, feel free to write me anytime you ever need to vent or just talk, take care Americat and thank you for your straight forwardness

[Gunny376]

The 32 list

 

well I tell ya what... I am ready to walk out on the H.

If he pulled some of this list on me when I do go there is no chance in

hell that we will reconcile ever.

 

Much of it I would just consider another slap in the face by him and it would drive me further from him instantly.

 

But that is me.

 

 

A hard azz like you and I

[Gunny376]

I might not ever be able to hold or hug my wife again, but if anything this whole messed opened my eyes to just how much I love my wife, You are obviously still hurting from your own issues, I'm sorry for your pain! I know that my marriage could very well be over, But what i've learned from this will carry with me forever, My wife and Son are the only things important to me. I hope your life improves and you can get past your anger issues, feel free to write me anytime you ever need to vent or just talk, take care Americat and thank you for your straight forwardness

 

 

I must say that one impressed me.

 

But, seriously if I were to wake up with a pair of panites in my pocket it would most definately be one of those WTF moments we all have in life.

 

I printed off your thread and took it to work with me this afternoon and read it. First off the bat ~ you've got to do a brain dump of all that crap Hollywerid has dumped into your head over the course of your lifetime. All those cards, letters, and roses ~ don't work right now. You've hurt her and betrayed her, and her mind is like Fort Apache, and all those cards and letters etc are just arrows coming over the wall. A direct frontal assualt will not accomplish anyting more than get you thrown under the bus.

 

Then you need to just back off and go with the 32 list. There's a lot of reasons you need to do this, but the main one is to give yourself sometime to get a grip on yourself, and to gain control of your emotions. They're making you appear and be desperate ~ and desperate is not attractive to anyone. There's a reason you always hear women telling other women not to chase after a man ~ because it doesn't work. And, because they know that by not chasing after a man ~ it more often than not makes the man want to chase after them ~ so knock that crap off!

 

I wouldn't pay too much attention to what she's saying ~ she angry and hurt ~ not a good combiation. And, your the source of that pain. She's just doing the same thing that every other person would do ~ distancing herself from the pain. She see's or hears from you ~ the siren and revolving red light goes off in her head. So quit tripping the trip wire and setting off the alarm! If people kept coming up and knocking the hell out of you everytime you wore a red shirt ~ it wouldn't take you long to quit wearing red shirts. Just that freaking simple.

 

Quit giving into fantasy. Don't allow them the luxuary of taking up residence in your head. Reality = perception. If you don't like your personal reality~ change your perception. Don't give nor become a slave to your negative thoughts. Deal only with known facts.

 

One of those is that your wife is gone ~ and she may never come back ~ and that's a fact Jack. I can promise you if you continue acting like a wimpy, whinning, whipped little boy, standing on the corner with his pants down around your ankles she won't be coming back. Would you be attracted to someone who was like this? I think not.

 

Print this thread out, and then read where you posted ~ its filled with "I"

 

Roll up your sleeves, you've got a lot of work to do ~ and a lot to learn.

 

Keep posting

[americat]

One night I followed all her friends bachk to her place, I went in and we started talking, I woke up the next morning and had panties in my pocket??? I would have remembered if we did anything, But she said we didn't and she didn't know how the panties were in my pocket

 

Were you drunk? Possibly you did something with one of her friends and now have a some sort of mental block on the night. Those panties didn't get there by themselves. When you pulled the panties out of your pocket, what made you put them back in?

You are right and sorry for taking it out on you but I've seen a few divorces with close people where cheating was involved and it obviously still bothers me.

[chadnickole]

I was real drunk all her friends were actually her brothers guy friend so if that was the case, that is just messed up. I woke up at home and when I going threw my pockets I found them. She said nothing happened so either she put them in my pocket to cause trouble (which I doubt) or i seen them and picked them up (possible). Fact remains my wife moved out and I found out she was talking to hetr ex for 3 months, I hung out with this other girl because she listened to me talk about my marriage, and also out of spite and anger for what my wife did, Then I became confused about everything, as far as this girl must like me to listen to me whine about my marriage, I always told her every time I was around her how badly I wanted my marriage to work, she started to get upset about that Then I told her we could talk or hang out no more because I needed to get my head straight and work on my Marriage, because that is most important too me!! Hope this clearifies things a little

[Lor]

Then I told her we could talk or hang out no more because I needed to get my head straight and work on my Marriage, because that is most important too me!! Hope this clearifies things a little

 

Chad, I'm liking you more and more. That is dead on exactly! what you needed to do. If she was getting upset, if she liked you, its very possible that she put them in your pocket--no matter what kind of person you think she is. People do strange things that no one would expect.

 

Gunny hit it on the head with his post. Read it over and over--its very sound advice. You can't cut all ties but, as my H told me when I went insane (only way to put it ), I wasn't giving him time to miss me. Think about that.

[ilmw]

Chad, I'm liking you more and more. That is dead on exactly! what you needed to do. If she was getting upset, if she liked you, its very possible that she put them in your pocket--no matter what kind of person you think she is. People do strange things that no one would expect.

 

Gunny hit it on the head with his post. Read it over and over--its very sound advice. You can't cut all ties but, as my H told me when I went insane (only way to put it ), I wasn't giving him time to miss me. Think about that.

 

Chad....

The more you read and post on LS the more it will sink in what is being said to you.

 

I still read on here things that folks say to me.. and to others... and after a while... the logic of it all makes sence... I don't know where you are right now in your head... but I do know where I was only a few short months ago... I would read.. think about it...(i did alot of thinking) I seemed to fight what I was being told.. heart was fighting brain (and logic)

 

"The list"... as already mentioned gives you guide lines.. or a map.. cause.. hay..I was pretty lost.. and I needed that map.. so I did not get my self stuck lost somewhere..worse than I am. If I had ignored the list and what Gunny.. Ladyjane.. Becoming..Dgirrl..CC.. gezz there are so many.. who have helped guide me I would for sure be worse off!

 

Do what you have to do.. be a man about it...but learn learn and learn.. and if you were anything like me before all this...do a 180' and learn to except the help of others... and listen!

 

Be strong ...be smart...

ilmw

[chadnickole]

we talked last night for about 10 min about our situation, She said that she would love to come running back into my arms, But feels I only want her now because I'm lonely, i am lonely I miss going to bed with my wife!!

I'm a good lookin guy if i needed just anybody to avoid being lonely I would already have a girl, she said she was gonna hook me up with a girl so I could get it out of my system. (whatever) She's a damn goofball, but I love her anyway. She also said she has built up a wall to me so as not to get hurt again! Hell she moved out on me, not the other way around, She walked out on me and our relationship!! I am not bitter towards her she had valid reasons, but it still hurts!!!!

[Lor]

Have you told her yet that you'll give her the time she needs?

[Gunny376]

we talked last night for about 10 min about our situation, She said that she would love to come running back into my arms, But feels I only want her now because I'm lonely, i am lonely I miss going to bed with my wife!

 

That's why you've got to sit down, use that head of yours, and do yourself some good old fashion thinking, and try to come up with any and all possible conversations and how you will respond (try to come up with at least three. Be pro-active, not re-active.

 

I read this first paraagaraph this morning and I did a Homer Simpson and went "Dolt" as I slapped my forehead witht the palm of my hand. Dude! Don't hear what your inferring she said, hear what's she's implying when she's speaking. What she actually said was:

 

"I would love to come running back into your arms, but you've hurt me and made me angry and I need reassusrances that you're never going to do that, and that your not going to indulge in whimppy and insecure behavior by flirting with every girl that you meet, everytime that you meet them!"

This would have the perfect opportunity to have said:

"I want and need you because I love you ~ 5 second pause ~ I don't love you becuase I need you just in that way, but because you're so special, rare and unique! Then shut up! And allow the acquward silence settle in.

 

I'm a good lookin guy if i needed just anybody to avoid being lonely I would already have a girl

 

Bull****! You're talking prideful smack. Truly good looks work more against you than they work for you. Good looking guys are some of the most loneliest guys on the planet. They initially might get your foot in the door, but you've got about five or ten minutes, in which time the women are putting their "bitch test's" on you to see if you meassure up. Good looks only get you so far. Good looks work against you ~ because women think you're a "player"

From MSN Article on what women talk about when they go out:

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6215&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=8431

[COLOR=#666666]Q: So which guys in this bar catch your eye and why?

Stephanie: I like the one in the blue shirt. He’s just been talking to his friend and laughing a lot. He looks nice. He’s boyfriend material.

 

Trang: The guy in white is better looking but has been looking around the room too much, like he’s checking out the place for girls. He looks like a player.

 

Stephanie: I agree! The guy in white is the hottest guy in the room, but I don’t like to date the hottest guy in the room. That’s the kind of guy who makes you fight to be the Thursday night girl and not just the Tuesday night girl.

 

Katrina: When I was younger, I cared about looks more. But I just got out of an 11-year relationship, and now, I know better. Guys who aren’t that hot can actually be better boyfriends and be better in bed.

 

Tracy: The least attractive guy I ever slept with was the best in bed. [/COLOR]

 

 

she said she was gonna hook me up with a girl so I could get it out of my system. (whatever) She's a damn goofball, but I love her anyway.

 

That there's what you call a B*tch Test. Guess what you failed

 

She also said she has built up a wall to me so as not to get hurt again!

 

Again you failed. She again telling you she needs re-assuring

 

 

Hell she moved out on me, not the other way around, She walked out on me and our relationship!! I am not bitter towards her she had valid reasons, but it still hurts!!!!

 

You trying to convice us or yourself that your not bitter? The above is soaked through with self pity, bitterness,

 

You serously need to Goggle Carlos Xuma and Alpha Male.

 

http://www.alphaseduction.com/Forum/index.php

 

You need to work on your inner game my man ~ your falling on your sword ~ as we use to say in the Corps! She's testing and TELLING YOU what she wants and needs from you ~ and you're not picking up on the cues.

 

Like I said ~ "DOLT!" (slapping forehead with palm of hand)

[Gunny376]

In all fairness ~ this is for the ladies to look at:

 

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6216&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=8431

[chadnickole]

I have been Giving time for 3 days, she just called me, she went to the shrink today about her meds, and he confirmed every thing a said about prozac just masking the issues and allowing a person to be cold-hearted. He also told her she was 75% at fault in this whole situation, I say 50/50 but whatever. He said that she was the reason I was being a bad Husband because she was acting like my child instead of mr Wife! I don't don't know the guy sounds like a jerk to me!

[Gunny376]

I have been Giving time for 3 days,

 

What does this mean? Re-post and clarify

 

 

she just called me, she went to the shrink today about her meds, and he confirmed every thing a said about prozac just masking the issues and allowing a person to be cold-hearted. He also told her she was 75% at fault in this whole situation,

 

And this is a bad thing?

 

I say 50/50 but whatever.

 

I bet you look gift horse's in the mouth as well, huh

 

He said that she was the reason I was being a bad Husband because she was acting like my child instead of mr Wife! I don't don't know the guy sounds like a jerk to me!

 

Sounds like he may know and be in good keeping with Mr. "Reality" You really don't know when to quit swimming against the tide, spitting into the wind, do you?

[chadnickole]

for 3 days I haven't really talked about us, unless she brought it up!

 

Trying noyt to look a gift horse in the mouth, but The gut is a Korean, and woman are basically second class citizens to them, for the most part! Though shrinks arn't suposseed to be bias, he could be a little, I also don't want her to feel totally at fault here, so I say we both need to resolve some things. I still plan on laying off on the us topic to an exstent unless she wants to talk about it. I wll be objective and try to come at it from both sides!! though this does lighten my shoulders a little!!

 

thanks Gun