I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[Gunny376]

You may have to go through the whole nine steps with her ~ all the way up to going through a divorce. That's why most States have laws against marrying the same person more than X amount of times. I know of one guy that's been married and divorced to the same women four times. Thing is ~ its against state law here to be married to the same woman more than three times. The fourth time they had to drive to GA, two and half hours away. Makes you wonder what tha' Hell they're thinking on the drive over?

 

Regardless of how painfull it is ~ yoiu're going to have to go the long road around, and just ride this b***h to the ground. Its either that or get divorce papers. And, while I iwould consel others to do so in their situations ~ I think if your play your cards right ~ there might be a chance ~ but its a long term soulution to a long term problem.

 

The two of you got together to go to the lake ~ and I don't know if that was a "date" or her allowing you some family time with her and the DS. Personally I think you totally screwed up when you came down with the flu and was puking your guts up. Women find that very un-attractive you know!

 

What you need is a change of persective and attitude. You're walking around like you just lost your pony. (I know, I know ~ but damnit ~ at least act like your the Fair Haired Golden Child without a worry in the world! You've got to fake it until you make it!)

 

Go back and read ilmw's thread. The things we've discussed in his post are the things that you need to be working on. First off your still relatively speaking very young. And, you like and I and most of us here, didn't have 1/10th the skill set necessary to be married to begin with. Soooooo, you need to be doing some research and homework, and reading to find out that which you need to be married to this woman or to any other woman. If not you're going to find yourself sitting down at the old folks home talking about your first, second, third and fourth ex-wives, and uping WalMart stock by keep going in there buying all that stuff you've already bought over again!

 

From your post ~ I think you've got a shoot at getting her back ~ but she's right if you don't do the work necessary ~ it won't last.

 

I'd go to her, and just say:

 

"Look! I know I've hurt you, and there's no excuse for it other than I was freaking idiot! And, I was! I own that. That's mine. And, that's all water over the damn and under the bride ~ what's done is done. I'm not mimmimizing what went down ~ I'm just owning up to my having screwed up to what I did, and taking responsiblity for that. And, if its cost me the love of my life, my marriage, my family ~ then I've paid a high price. I've got some growing the Hell up to do here, and obviously I've got some things to learn about being married, being responsible, and being a mature adult. And, regardless of the outcome of this ~ I'm going to work on those things that I need to work on ~ and become a better man, husband, father because of the pain of all of this!"

 

And, then shut the Hell up! If she doesn't say anything just walk away and then begin demonstrating in big ways, and small ways in action and deed. Don't talk the talk, but most definately walk the walk. No begging, no whinning, no pleading, no wussy stuff. Man-up, saddle up and get on board for the long haul.

 

To be honest? You're probally are going to need a minimum of two to three years to get over this girl if she adamant about staying split. OK! That sucks! So what do you do in the meantime?

 

Learn! Read! MarriageBuilder's is a most excellent place to start. Dr. Hellen Kreidmen's "Light Her Fire" program is most excellent, as is her "Light Your Fire" Dr. Phil's got solme good old boy horse sense books that are worth reading. Carlos Xuma's and David DeAngelo's got some excellent material.

 

I don't know what it is that you do for a living ~ but you're probally good at it, beause you've spent a lot of time, effort and energy in learing your trade. How much time, effort and energy have you spent in learning how to be married. My bet is zilch. Even if you and the wife don't get married ~ you'll have learned that which you needed to know when you and she did get married.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the words that she's got coming out of her mouth! Sounds like to me she's trying to convince herself as much as she's trying to convince you. Hate to be the one to break it too you, but you've hurt her deeply, and you've P****** her off, and its going to be a long row to hoe back. If you can ever get back to where you were.

 

Finally, you need (scratch that) you've got to get yourself out of this "poor little old me" attitude that screems across the web here. I realized I probally just PYO with that ~ and if so good! And, if I'm getting that on here ~ you're very much are projecting that to the DW, and in so long as you're projecting that ~ you're projecting Beta Male attributes, which is very un-appealing.

 

What is needed is sure footed, confident, got his s**t together Chad. He's in there somewhere? You need to go find that guy, and put him front and center. That's the guy that she fell in love with and married. Until you find yourself, and start being that guy, you're done.

[chadnickole]

I'm scared to death if I don't reasure her how much I'm gonna change and how much I love her it will make it that much easier to quit, like she might start believing that I don't love her and I'm not gonna change. then it will be easy for her togo threw with the divorse!!

[chadnickole]

She said that if I came to all these conclutions about our relationship 6 months ago, she would be willing to try again. But since it took me so long she is to scared to try!!

[chadnickole]

with out staying away from my son, We need to talk about him I need to see her to see him. I can't handle this ****! It is so easy for her Our son lives with her she is with him every night. I see him alot but he is not there all the time and it driving me F-ing nuts. I wanna smack the crap out of the wife, not that I would. She just doesn't seem to get it. How bad not living with my son is destroying me!! F her!!

[chadnickole]

I haven't talked to het about us at all in two days and its driving me crazy,

 

Did I cross that line yesterday when I dropped of a gallon of milk for my son and some flowers for her?

 

All I said was here ya go, see ya later

 

she replyed "Thank You with a little grin"

 

i said your welcome and turned and left!!

 

ARRRGGG I need some support!!

[Gunny376]

I haven't talked to het about us at all in two days and its driving me crazy,

 

Did I cross that line yesterday when I dropped of a gallon of milk for my son and some flowers for her?

 

All I said was here ya go, see ya later

 

she replyed "Thank You with a little grin"

 

i said your welcome and turned and left!!

 

ARRRGGG I need some support!!

 

Is to quit being your own worse enemy in all of this. She's not the one that's making this hard ~ you are.

 

I don't know if you've ever been caught in a rip current ~ but if and when you get caught in one, you don't swun directly back toward shore, nor do you swim further out to sea, you swim parallell to it until you're out of it.

 

You did great with the milk ~ I'm not so sure about the flowers. But, even with the flowers, you kept it short. Again go back and read ilmw and UKSurfers threads. Balance and patience is how they played the game. And, ultimately they won the game. Last report UKSurfer and his wife were reconciling. ilmw, he won the game ~ because he identified his weaknesses, adpated and overcame them ~ with or without his wife. He's now in that place where he's going to be alright and he knows he's going to be alright with or without his wife. So has Dieseal.

[chadnickole]

Thank you for your comments, even though short it is helpful!! I guess I need to man up as you say, but right now the only way I can avoid talking to her about us is to get myself pissed at her. That is only temporery because when I stip being angry I have a emotional breakdown by myself of course with no one around..

 

I'm afraid of Outta site Outta mind !!!!

[Gunny376]

You're going to need to get a grip on yourself. If you're not controling your emotions ~ your emotions are controling you. In short you've got to exert some self-control over yourself and protect yourself from yourself. As I said, you are your own worse enemy in all of this. Its just plain, its just that damn simple.

 

You're marriage, relationship, whatever you want to call it with the DW is in a negative downward spirial, percipitated by your behavior, (again due to a lack of self discipline and self control, and a due mainly to a lack of impluse control) Hint: That's one of your issues and someething you need to put at the top of the list to work on!

 

Negative emotions (anger, worry, whinny, wuss, needy, clingy, begging) behavior feeds that negative downward spirial. All of which is not very attractive.

 

Imagine this, you're single, you go out to the club trying to meet some ladies. You see a guy, and he's like one of Jerry Lewis' characthers trying to pickup on some ladies. He's whinny, begging, needy, clingy, begging ~ that's is approach. You and your bud's would be a the bar, laughing your ass off at this guy, talking about how he so does not get it. He even comes into the club carrying flowers and candy giving it to women he doesn't even know. By this time your on the flooor busting a gut! Literally ROTFLYAO!

 

Do you see why this may work a little, but by an large won't work with the DW? She feels betrayed, hurt, angry, etc, and you're doing all of these romantic overtones is like Greeks bearing gifts to the Trojans in her eyes. Its the old "fool me once ~ shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

 

And you don't get any extra point for getting and dropping off milk. That's just a father taking care of business, which depending upon how things are going down the road you might want to taper off a bit ~ but we'll see.

 

Wheather the DW is in forward, neutral, or reverse is too soon to tell, and ultimately she and only she can make that decision. If she's moving forward, you don't have her, and you can't lose something you don't have. She's definately not in reverse mode at this point ~ so I'm putting my money on neutral.

 

Dependent upon your behavior, words, actions, and deeds, you absolutely can kick her from netural into forward mode ~ but damn near impossible to kick her into reverse. To do that your going to have to get and gain control of the only thing you have control of ~ and that is you my friend. You need to work on you! Aside from what I've listed above ~ you're post absolutely smack of controlling behavior. And, ultimately the only person you can controll is yourself. Even your children ~ you have a certain amount of control for a certain amount of time in their lives.

 

Your post, "I'm afraid of Outta site Outta mind !!!!"

 

Smacks of jealousy, and with the reference to your getting PO at her, there's little doubt in my military mind, that were she to been seen with another ~ it would send you flying. Jealousy is nothing more than your lack of self esteem and self confindence to stand toe to toe against the least bit of competition of any source.

 

Go back and re-read your thread. Your self confidence is slipping more and more from your initial post.

 

You need to read, learn and grow.

 

 

Yesterday 11:30 PM

[Lor]

Gunny's right (as usual), Chad. Know what you sound like? Me. Wanna know where I am? Divorce.

 

Pull yourself together!! Listen to him about the Jerry Lewis comment--boy, that smacks it right on the head. No woman worth her salt wants a whiny, begging, clingy, in your face type of man. Buck up, cowboy and become a man.

 

You're going crazy....too crazy, dear. Back off and back off now or you will lose her. Get your act together cuz until you do you will never be able to prove to her that you've changed. You can scream that you're changing till your blue in the face but she's not gonna listen. Actions speak louder than words everytime.

 

You're anniversary--heck yeah do something for her. But have it delivered, no mushy note, don't go overboard.

[chadnickole]

Thanks All

[chadnickole]

Ive yet to talk about her and I, but today she started sending me house'e for sale in tennesse and wyoming, last week she said we needed to move to wyhoming then the next day she said she was just depressed and thought we needed to get away buy ourselfs, but changed her mind!

 

Today she sends me more home in tennesse and write don't ask questions and don't get strange thoughts

and signed it

 

Your

Crazy Wife

 

My damn head is spinning, i'm trying to stay cool but damn I kinda wanna flip out on her and say what the hell are you doing!!!

 

AAARRRGGGGGG!!!

[chadnickole]

Any Thoughts On my above post??

 

Maybe someone can explain this!!

[Gunny376]

"Either we're married or we're not" talk.

 

Its time to get resolution and closure to this, good, bad, ugly or otherwise. Either way its time to move forward.

[chadnickole]

"Either we're married or we're not" talk.

 

Its time to get resolution and closure to this, good, bad, ugly or otherwise. Either way its time to move forward.

 

[FONT=Times][sIZE=3][FONT=Times]I read your letter. I know that you are mad. I know that I frustrate you. The bottom line is this: we are done. I am sick of going through this over and over and over and over. You’re right, all I wanted was to be married and have a family. But, that didn’t work out for us. I’m fine with you blaming the failure of our marriage on me. If that is what makes you feel better about yourself, then so be it. Just because you want to try again, doesn’t mean that I have to. I don’t want to try and it’s not because I’m scared or whatever excuse you keep making for me. I just don’t want to. If you want to think that it is because of Brian, then fine it’s because of Brian. I want nothing more than for you and I to be able to get along and not hate each other, but if you can’t do that then you can’t. I completely understand why so don’t think that I’m so stupid that I can’t. I know that you are hurting, but realize this: I was hurting for a long time and during that time you made no effort to help me or us. I’m done and you need to respect that.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[chadnickole]

Well, does this mean it is it??

[Gunny376]

In her mind ~ she's done!

 

Thing is I don't know if she's trying to convince your or herself. Who Brian?

 

I'd go on with my life ~ and conduct myself and affairs as though she meant every word of it, as written. In short ~ its over, between the two of you (which I think for now it is). That might change six months, a year, ten years from now ~ but for now ~ its over.

 

Whatever the Hell you do ~ don't respond to it in any shape, form, or fashion. If she wants a divorce ~ let her file ~ you've got a lifetime ~ right. She's the one that want this, not you. Put everything on your time table now. Quit worrying about her and what she's doing. I'd visit with my children ~ and I would become more and more less availiable. Just drift away.

[chadnickole]

In her mind ~ she's done!

 

Thing is I don't know if she's trying to convince your or herself. Who Brian?

 

I'd go on with my life ~ and conduct myself and affairs as though she meant every word of it, as written. In short ~ its over, between the two of you (which I think for now it is). That might change six months, a year, ten years from now ~ but for now ~ its over.

 

Whatever the Hell you do ~ don't respond to it in any shape, form, or fashion. If she wants a divorce ~ let her file ~ you've got a lifetime ~ right. She's the one that want this, not you. Put everything on your time table now. Quit worrying about her and what she's doing. I'd visit with my children ~ and I would become more and more less availiable. Just drift away.

 

 

Brian is the ex. He had an affair on his wife w/ Nickole like 8 or 9 years ago then he dissapeared and didn't talk to her again till about now 8 months ago, just when we were having all our problems. I say it is him that lead her away she swears that they will never have anything more than coversation. because of how he treated her back then!! guess he is just afriend I don't know she swore on our son, hope she would use our son for a lie but never know!!

[chadnickole]

Okay, Gunn Thanks. Belive it or not you guys have all been a great help. I really do believe that its over between us maybe not forever, but maybe so!

[Gunny376]

Brian is the ex. He had an affair on his wife w/ Nickole like 8 or 9 years ago then he dissapeared and didn't talk to her again till about now 8 months ago, just when we were having all our problems. I say it is him that lead her away she swears that they will never have anything more than coversation. because of how he treated her back then!! guess he is just afriend I don't know she swore on our son, hope she would use our son for a lie but never know!!

 

 

When you get caught up in all of this ~ all bets are off. Its a crap shoot ~ at best.

 

I would just chill. Now is the time to get your life together, in short the time to get your "s**t" togehter ~ for real. Get your presepctive right, your attitude right, your relationship with your son, get in shape, quit smoking, dipping, drinking. Get the Hell out of debt, build up your FICO score, fully fund you "Oh S**T, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO" fund (Contingency Fund = to one month's, then two, then three, ,................a year's lving expenses without a dime coming in."

 

Now is the time to be reading some books about personal finance and inter-relationships, (communication, gender-speak, rommance, MarriageBuilders, Light Her Fire, ~ you should read at least one book a year each on relaltionships and personanl finance. Just reading 15 minutes a day for forty years is the equivalent of having obtained four - four year college degrees.

 

Check out some of the dating guru's matieral Carlos Xuma and David DeAngelo.

 

Do these things over the next year to two years and within two years time you'll be

[chadnickole]

When you get caught up in all of this ~ all bets are off. Its a crap shoot ~ at best.

 

I would just chill. Now is the time to get your life together, in short the time to get your "s**t" togehter ~ for real. Get your presepctive right, your attitude right, your relationship with your son, get in shape, quit smoking, dipping, drinking. Get the Hell out of debt, build up your FICO score, fully fund you "Oh S**T, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO" fund (Contingency Fund = to one month's, then two, then three, ,................a year's lving expenses without a dime coming in."

 

Now is the time to be reading some books about personal finance and inter-relationships, (communication, gender-speak, rommance, MarriageBuilders, Light Her Fire, ~ you should read at least one book a year each on relaltionships and personanl finance. Just reading 15 minutes a day for forty years is the equivalent of having obtained four - four year college degrees.

 

Check out some of the dating guru's matieral Carlos Xuma and David DeAngelo.

 

Do these things over the next year to two years and within two years time you'll be

 

 

My email from her today, Yeah I'm so pumped

 

When you get a chance, could you please provide me with the following info:

 

DL Number

 

Date of Hire at TMI and Occupation

 

copy of last 3 pay stubs

 

GED Date

 

Mortgage info

 

Car Vin

 

Life Ins. Info

 

Bank Account(s) Info

 

 

I am getting a copy of our last two years tax returns from Cramer

 

Thank you!

 

I know that this is hard on you, but you must realize that it is hard on my too.

[Gunny376]

OK! You've got me confused by your last post!

[chadnickole]

OK! You've got me confused by your last post!

 

When you get a chance, could you please provide me with the following info:

DL Number

Date of Hire at TMI and Occupation

copy of last 3 pay stubs

GED Date

Mortgage info

Car Vin

Life Ins. Info

Bank Account(s) Info

I am getting a copy of our last two years tax returns from Cramer

 

Thank you!

I know that this is hard on you, but you must realize that it is hard on my too.

 

she asked for the above things from me today in an email. Kinda kicked me over the edje a little!!

[Billy Bob]

She's filing for divorce or seperation. Go see a lawyer today. You may want to file first, so you can control the pace of the divorce.

[Gunny376]

Don't give her any information. None! Zilt! Nadda! NOTHING!

 

I agree with CTA, (sorry, I'd just gotten up ~ caffiene hadn't kicked in) she's filing for either divorce or separation ~ which means she is an advisary ~ she's not your friend, and she doesn't have your best interest at hand, regardless of what line she's feeding you.

 

Its f**k, fight, or go for your gun time ~ and you'd best be looking out for your best interest ~ because she and her lawyer aren't ~ they're looking out for hers.

 

Reagrless of wheather its civil or criminal court someone is going to walk into court and lose something, either time, money, or property. What you do from this point on will have effects upon your life for years to come. Don't belive the fallacy that all men get azz raped in divorce court, that's only true if you lay down and roll over. You've got to protect you own self interests, its just that plain and that simple.

[chadnickole]

Hey all its been awhile since i've been on here, just wanted to let you all know how things are going for me. Two weeks ago my Wife told me she was going threw with the divorce, probaly brought on by me being pressuring! Any how I told her, I will back her in whatever decision she makes That would rather work things out for Us and our Son. She is open about Talking to the other guy, but still implys olny frienship with him, Whatever.

 

When she told me she was always talking to the other guy, I wished her the best, packed every thing of hers from our home and delivered it to her apartment. She was alfully mad at me about it. Again I told her she needs to find herself and that she is welcome back in our home when she figures her self out!!

 

Nothing has been said from me, about our relationship since. I'm hurting inside and want for our marriage to work, but I know I can't change her mind now, Trust me i've tried and tried and tried. In fact I pushed her farther away but trying, But we all know this!!

 

I've looked to the lord and have friend and family praying for us, In turn i'm praying for whatever will be will be and just to be able to cope with this misfortune in life. I ask God to help My wife clear her head of all her negativity, to keep my Son safe from evil and to just love and protect us all. I feel much more at peace in the last few days, all the crying and sobbing and venting has probaly helped!!

 

Anyway 10-10-06 was our two year aniversery, she asked if she could come over and do some laundry, I said Sure.I pretty much ignored her and just did my thing with our son. She took a nap in our bed, when she woke up she kind of stayed away for a bit, But later she came and sat by me and Said "Chad in the past 6 months you and I have been real Dip****s" I agreed with "yeas we have we atre both very stubborn" I then changed the subject!!

 

The next day I asked her what she ment by that comment she said "Nothing!" So I dropped it at that!!

 

This morning she called to ask how our son was because he stayed with me last night, She told me I was becoming very spiritual and asked if I was going to turn into a bible thumper on her. Laughed and changed the subject back to our son!!

 

All in all she is really confusing me, I mean I'm probaly looking for the silver lining in all this. I guess I just wanted Your guys information on this and if you think it may be looking up?

 

Every thing helps Guys

 

Thank You

 

Chad