I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[lisapizza]

..Okay I think I know what you need to do here... listed in reverse order, DAVID LETTERMAN STYLE!!

 

4 Beat the cr*p out of the OG to make him leave her alone. (Just kidding but it sounds really good!!)

 

3 Go to IC and see if she will go to MC with you. If she won't then for sure get some IC on your own. Your life is too short to waste spinning your wheels. You need to find out what YOU are about. What you want in a relationship, because everyone has issues and wheather your issues contributed to your break up, only you will really know that. That's what IC is for to help you with YOUR issues so you can have a healthy relationship with other people, no matter who they are.

 

2 Step back and leave her be right now, act like you're okay with being friends. Everytime she sees you look "fine as wine" (or at least make sure you have taken a shower recently and brushed your teeth LOL) Kinda like I'm sure you did when you we're 1st dating.......I don't think that's lying, face it everyone does that in the beginning of a relationship don't they??

 

AND THE #1 THING YOU NEED TO DO IS, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ON THAT LITTLE BOY FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, cuz you are his whole world and you will alwys be his whole world, no matter what happens btwn you & the MRS!!

[riobikini]

Xhie, I think, is right about this being the *wrong* time to play games and manipulate the emotions of someone you truly love and want to keep in your life.

 

But then -I personally think *any* games of similar intentions put a relationship at risk for even more trouble.

 

Like most things in life, there's a balance you should try to achieve.

 

Although, I believe it's a good idea to reign in those overly emphatic emotions and those persistent, panting, desperate acts of pursuit that cause estranged partners to fear you or feel annoyed with you, showing what's in your heart is a *good* thing -and shouldn't be hidden away while you opt for the more confusing, time-consuming details of constructing planned, manipulative methods and ridiculous games to reunite with your wife.

 

To me, manipulation wastes precious time -and is, indeed, attempting to utilize a great lie to try and render a much-desired positive outcome.

 

I think (generally speaking) people *do* want what they can't have in the sense that, if something is rare, unusual, and offers some kind of value to us, we might feel piqued or even compelled to possess it depending on the circumstances, our individual personality, and just how important to us the object (or person) of our desire is; it's part of our complicated human make up.

 

When we manipulate, we think that, because we are achieving our desired results, we are meeting greater challenges, or achieving higher intellectual marks that raise the bar in regards to our worth.

 

But no one really wins with manipulation -everyone gets cheated.

 

I don't necessarily think it's always about love that causes us to manipulate important relationships: I think, sometimes, it's simply a malfunctioning ego.

 

Explanation:

 

All that strategic planning actually has the potential (over time) to develop a person's mind-set of others as being merely objects, that, once you have "conquered" or met the challenge, or "won" them, they become less desirable.

 

I believe some can even form a sort of addiction to this behavior because being successful with the intricate planning of manipulation can give such a powerful ego boost in return, and makes the manipulator feel intellectually more superior, that the manipulator begins to "need" the boost.

 

I think this might help explain why some people never "settle down" with *one* person: they're addicted to the thrill of the pursuit and winning the challenge. And the next one, and the next, etc.

 

More on topic: Chad, seek the balance between these thoughts and suggestions in the last few previous posts.

 

Being absolutely honest with your feelings towards your wife -and having no fear in conveying them- is, in my opinion, the best route to take.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[chadnickole]

..Okay I think I know what you need to do here... listed in reverse order, DAVID LETTERMAN STYLE!!

 

4 Beat the cr*p out of the OG to make him leave her alone. (Just kidding but it sounds really good!!)

 

3 Go to IC and see if she will go to MC with you. If she won't then for sure get some IC on your own. Your life is too short to waste spinning your wheels. You need to find out what YOU are about. What you want in a relationship, because everyone has issues and wheather your issues contributed to your break up, only you will really know that. That's what IC is for to help you with YOUR issues so you can have a healthy relationship with other people, no matter who they are.

 

2 Step back and leave her be right now, act like you're okay with being friends. Everytime she sees you look "fine as wine" (or at least make sure you have taken a shower recently and brushed your teeth LOL) Kinda like I'm sure you did when you we're 1st dating.......I don't think that's lying, face it everyone does that in the beginning of a relationship don't they??

 

AND THE #1 THING YOU NEED TO DO IS, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ON THAT LITTLE BOY FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, cuz you are his whole world and you will alwys be his whole world, no matter what happens btwn you & the MRS!!

 

#4 sounds pretty good, but that would only make me feel better!! LOL

 

1,2,3 I will do, thank you

[chadnickole]

More on topic: Chad, seek the balance between these thoughts and suggestions in the last few previous posts.

 

Being absolutely honest with your feelings towards your wife -and having no fear in conveying them- is, in my opinion, the best route to take.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

I'm being as honest as she allows without being pushy (based on her action/reactions) My wife knows I love her and that I want to work on our marriage, But she needs to be commited to at least trying if things are to work!! She doesn't have to promise things will work and we'll stay married, but the commitment to really trying, (that includes ditching the OG) is a must!! I want it to work but the window of the control she has on me is closing, I'm not going to continue to be used or what ever it is she's doing.

 

When I made up my mind that I was committed to working on this marraige it was easy for me to drop all things that negated It (other people's influence and opinions against it) I knew my path!!

 

If she could decide the same thing I'm sure we would come out golden, but that is her issue to which I have no control!

[riobikini]

Then only your patience is necessary, now, Chad.

 

-Rio

[chadnickole]

Last night I was so fed up with Nickole and everything that we've gone threw! I was really ready to just throw in the towel and move on. You see I'm really starting to feel that she would kinda wanna fixour marriage, but she is not committed too it. I feel she is in love with the other man and even though she feels bad about our marriage and would kinda like it to work she is too caught up w/ the OM and her feelings of hurt that happened in our Marriage!

 

I was ready to Tell either get on board or I'm outta here!!

 

This morning I just hated the thougt of moving on and abandoning my family. I need more strength to hold tight and not give up on her! But I do not know how to get it.

 

I went over to Nickoles this morning to see Zachary and take her a coffee we didn't really chat much, just about Zachary and small talk. I was getting ready to leave and she came up to me while I was giving my son hugs and kisses, I exstended her a hug she accepted I held her tight she squeezed me, I squeezed her, We both squeezed Zachary!! I figured what the hell And decided to try and give her a little kiss:)

 

Not so good, she was very stiff lipped, So I didn't follow threw I just backed up and smiled. She started laughing about it as if embarassed!

 

I asked her if that was a littel too scary, She just kept up with the nourvous laughter:mad: But she didn't back away or try to move she just didn't attept to participate!!

 

I felt like a complete Piece of trash, Unloved, Unwanted, Unneeded. What a wonderful feeling that is, But on the bright side we are going to get Zacahrys Picture taken today, All 3 of Us!

 

Aaarrggggg:mad:

[lisapizza]

I need more strength to hold tight and not give up on her! But I do not know how to get it.

 

I think you need to trust in God, don't get me wrong, I'm not super religious or anything but everytime I can't handle something I put it all at his feet and somehow it all works out...it's really amazing. You will then feel stronger and start to think a little more clearer.

If you don't go to church, you might want to try it, no matter what religion you are. Things will start to fall into place I PROMISE YOU!!

 

 

Also, I don't know why she would get a pic w/ all of you if it's truly over??

[chadnickole]

I think you need to trust in God, don't get me wrong, I'm not super religious or anything but everytime I can't handle something I put it all at his feet and somehow it all works out...it's really amazing. You will then feel stronger and start to think a little more clearer.

If you don't go to church, you might want to try it, no matter what religion you are. Things will start to fall into place I PROMISE YOU!!

 

 

Also, I don't know why she would get a pic w/ all of you if it's truly over??

 

No were just all going up there together to get our Sons picture's taken!!

[lisapizza]

No were just all going up there together to get our Sons picture's taken!!

 

 

OOps! , Sorry, My Bad!!

[ilmw]

Chad...

 

Sorry to hear about the merry-go-round of what is going on...

 

Been following your posts... and everything seemed cool....

 

The only thing I can say is this.... slow down.... don't rush things... I get a real sence of urgency from your posts.... ( I understand the want... to fix this... and get the family back together... and to be with your wife.) Well maybe that has changed since your last few posts..

 

Just slow down..bud...and back off.. just a little. See where that gets you? Hmmm

 

As you probably know ... I'm in a similar boat... not the same one different ... but... we have the same goal in mind... Getting our families whole again... I know I don't have all the answers... or even all the questions yet.... but I do know... the pace I am taking... has made a difference.... It does not mean I will ever get to be with my wife again... but has meant... she will talk to me... and smile again.... To me... that has made a world of difference....

 

Take care bud... breath deep.... and slow down..

[jmargel]

That's why chad I mentioned in my last post that you just 'cant be friends' with her, hoping she'll change.

 

1. Because she's not facing consequences for what she's done

 

2. This allows her to relieve some of her guilt, to her it's putting you 'down' easier

 

3. Your hopes of getting back together and hers are not at the same level. She has you as the 'backup safety net'.

 

If you want to continue to get hurt like this, continue what you are doing. However by her words and her actions it's like she is slowly getting over you.

 

I hope you re-read my advice on what you should do. You are not making her *think* about the situation.

 

This might be way out there, but I would also try to go out with someone else, and just in casual conversation let nikole know. If anything is going to get her thinking it would be that. I'm not saying use someone to get her back, but to try to find someone else (a female) to at least be your friend. You need to let nikole know what you want and if she has no intention of going that route in the future then let her know you need to move on.

 

Funny how she's not facing any of the consequences and she was the first one who started all of this. Keep rolling over and piddling and you will continue to get disrespected.

[chadnickole]

Chad...

 

 

Take care bud... breath deep.... and slow down..

 

 

Well, Ive distanced myself from her on the emotional level, I can't physically because of my son. It hurts yes, but I'm open to the idea of moving on and making me Happy.

 

I've started lifting again, Once this semester is over, I'm gonna go get into boxing classes, It will go well with my Grappling and Kick boxing

 

My appitite is coming back BIGTIME, I started out 206lbs pretty strong and pretty built, I just weighed myself saturday......... 178.5 lbs. I lost 27 lbs AARRHHGGG:eek: but I can see my Abs I just gotta get my Gunz back:cool:

 

She is warming up, I'm not making any advances towards her. She was over the other night and I pretty much let her come to me everytime, Though I didn't turn her away, she can tell that I'm not pshing no more

 

I don't want Answers, I don't need Answers, I got my own Answers. Thanks to all You!! gunz,Il,Jm, Rio, Lpizza .................

 

I am also seeing a Shrink too, very nice woman

[chadnickole]

That's why chad I mentioned in my last post that you just 'cant be friends' with her, hoping she'll change.

 

1. Because she's not facing consequences for what she's done

 

2. This allows her to relieve some of her guilt, to her it's putting you 'down' easier

 

Funny how she's not facing any of the consequences and she was the first one who started all of this. Keep rolling over and piddling and you will continue to get disrespected.

 

I am following your advice, but I do vent my feeling and stuff on here. I thank you very much for the time and effort you put into helping me!!

 

I might be rolling over a bit, just onto my side. But I'm not piddling anymore:D !! at least on myself ( I'm alpha male, I'm markin my territory:D )

 

As far as the getting a woman thing, I won't go that route just yet. That was one of the things that upset her so much to start with, me having female friends. I think that would just drive her farther away.

Don't get me wrong I'll find another woman when/if the time is right for me, But I'm totaly not comfortible with that right now...... In fact I've got 3 woman persuing me right now, Practically beating them off:o :o

Plus I think the wife is starting to pursue a bit too, but that may only last a couple of days, and I know that!!! like Gun said a long narrow path is what she must follow!!! then we can deal with our major differences if that time arises!!!

 

Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

 

Take care J and thanks again

[Lor]

That list is completely disgusting.

 

Its sick that some of you think its ok to lie to your partner like that, because that is what that list is, lies. How can you build a foundation of trust if your lying to each other?

 

Mindgames are never the solution as far as I'm concerned.

 

Explain to me how ignoring your partner is going to help you save your marriage? Ignoring each other is probably what got most people into there mess they are in anyway.

 

I just think that no matter what people need to tell each other the truth. The most insulting thing someone can do is lie to you if they claim to care about you.

 

This is my take on the 32 list...mind its my take only....

 

The list is not made to be used to try and get someone back, to make them fall in love with you again, even though that's what it says its for and what everyone thinks its for.

 

The list is for us, those of us who end up lost and alone, left to try and pick up the pieces. Its to help you find yourself again, to find the balance that was tipped when the separation/divorce happened. When you go thru this, you end up being half a person, no confidence, no self-control, no self-worth....if you use the list, it will help to rebuilt your self-esteem, gain control again over your emotions, to not let the s/d rule your thoughts, actions, and every word ~ ie your life.

 

Gunny hit it perfectly on the head one time when he stated that women/men are not interested in the weakling, slobbering all over someone, whimpering, crying, begging, pleading. He used Jerry Lewis as an example....who would you rather have? Jerry Lewis (can't think of a female equiv) or George Clooney/Julia Roberts? And be honest! Confidence is such an attraction ~ no one wants someone who's needy. And we can't get thru this if we don't have confidence in ourselves. If the SO comes back after we have managed to work our way thru the list, achieved each one step by step, then that's a bonus, but if they don't come back, we can move on and move forward, stronger and wiser for what we have been forced to deal with.

 

but as I said, that is my take on it, and that is what I used it for. Over a year now since my X started this debacle and I am on top of the world, with a man or without cuz the list helped me to love myself and to be proud of who I am.

 

Chad, don't dwell so much on the what-ifs and maybe's. If it happens it happens. Quit apologizing for what started it all ~ haven't you said sorry enough? A few months of I'm sorry's is okay but now quit rehashing it over and over. Focus on you, focus on your son and leave her to deal with what she has decided to take on, whether this includes OM or not. You need to be happy with yourself, with where you are, with your status as a MAN and the rest will come, whether she's beside you or left behind.

[Gunny376]

Gunny hit it perfectly on the head one time when he stated that women/men are not interested in the weakling, slobbering all over someone, whimpering, crying, begging, pleading. He used Jerry Lewis as an example....who would you rather have? Jerry Lewis (can't think of a female equiv) or George Clooney/Julia Roberts? And be honest

 

There's a little bit of Jerry Lewis in all of us ~ thus the appeal!

 

But per my post to ilmw, this IMO is where Chad is:

 

But, seriously ilmw is a freaking walking ~ living poster child about attitude and how important it is in all of this process! How you can take a negative and turn it into a positive. About how the choice is in our hands as to one's destiny. About perspective and choosing how to perceive things and ones situation! About choosing how to respond and react. About turning a negative and a potentially life alternating event into a postive. That there is life after all of this and that most of what happens to you lies in the choices that you make and in the decisions that you make. About realizing that we're each a work in progress. About taking the pain and turning it into a gain! Growing, learning from the experince! Chossing to learn and to grow from the expeirence, rather than wallow in self defeating thinking. Its crossing that razor thin line between self pity and doubt ~ and saying "No!" I'm bigger than that! I'm better than that! I'm a better person and will become a bigger and better person for it, and because of it!

[Lor]

What I notice about ilmw and UKsurfer (when he was here, anyone heard from him lately?) is how calm they are, how confident they are, how much they take in stride what is happening to them and realize that they love their W. And whether or not ilmw will get his DW back, he will survive and he will be fine, and he can deal with anything.

 

He is a poster child and damn it! I missed him coming out of the closet! Not fair! Not fair! *stomping feet*

 

Oh, and Gunny, yeah the fun-loving Jerry Lewis, the caring guy, but not the whiner, obnoxious guy.

[Lor]

oh, btw, Chad..

 

you are hot! :love: :bunny: geez, that's why I love military guys! you're so "fit".

[Gunny376]

oh, btw, Chad..

 

you are hot! :love: :bunny: geez, that's why I love military guys! you're so "fit".

 

Down girl, down!~ Before I have to turn the water hose on you!

[chadnickole]

What I notice about ilmw and UKsurfer (when he was here, anyone heard from him lately?) is how calm they are, how confident they are, how much they take in stride what is happening to them and realize that they love their W. And whether or not ilmw will get his DW back, he will survive and he will be fine, and he can deal with anything.

 

He is a poster child and damn it! I missed him coming out of the closet! Not fair! Not fair! *stomping feet*

 

Oh, and Gunny, yeah the fun-loving Jerry Lewis, the caring guy, but not the whiner, obnoxious guy.

 

I know I love my wife and though I vent sometimes I'm good with whatever happens. I have said sorry enough, I'm done with that past. I'll say sorry for things I do in the future. but the past is the past I'm done living it feeling it dealing it......... Gunny said A ling thin road back, that is what the DW will be on........I'm good I'm calm I'm fit!!!!

 

I'm not Millitary though Sorry:) :)

[chadnickole]

There's a little bit of Jerry Lewis in all of us ~ thus the appeal!

 

But per my post to ilmw, this IMO is where Chad is:

 

But, seriously ilmw is a freaking walking ~ living poster child about attitude and how important it is in all of this process! How you can take a negative and turn it into a positive. About how the choice is in our hands as to one's destiny. About perspective and choosing how to perceive things and ones situation! About choosing how to respond and react. About turning a negative and a potentially life alternating event into a postive. That there is life after all of this and that most of what happens to you lies in the choices that you make and in the decisions that you make. About realizing that we're each a work in progress. About taking the pain and turning it into a gain! Growing, learning from the experince! Chossing to learn and to grow from the expeirence, rather than wallow in self defeating thinking. Its crossing that razor thin line between self pity and doubt ~ and saying "No!" I'm bigger than that! I'm better than that! I'm a better person and will become a bigger and better person for it, and because of it!

 

One thing is for sure these past months have taught me a ton about myself and about relationships. I'm actually thinking about becoming a marriage counseler..... And try to help others with there Lifes. We learn for a reason why not teach............ RIGHT GUNNY I'll invite you all to my Forum, it will need You!!!!!

 

You all Rock

 

And things are looking up with the DW, But I'm still playing it real cool and slow

[chadnickole]

oh, btw, Chad..

 

you are hot! :love: :bunny: geez, that's why I love military guys! you're so "fit".

 

 

THANK YOU, it means alot!!

[ilmw]

THANK YOU, it means alot!!

 

Beef cake... :lmao:

 

(sorry could not resist)

 

It great that you are seeking these distractions... I too am looking into doing more physically.. Although I am quite happy with my build... I would like to get more cardio... I'm ok... but not as fit as I used to be.... (it gets much harder the older you get eh )

 

Before I was 25 I could smoke 2 packs of cigs a day... eat all i wanted and not work out.... and still run mile and a half under 9 mins... in combat boots... Now.... don't smoke... work out all the time... and can't get anywhere near that time.... go figure..

 

Take care bud... keep strong...

ilmw

[chadnickole]

Well Nickole and I had a Good talk the other night!!

 

I told her that No matter how much I loved her, I could not be just friends with her. And that if she could not commit to this marriage and cut all ties with the OG that I was giving up on her and moving on with my Life.

 

She said that she had a thought that she might be losing out on something with the other guy, that he could be the one to make her happy.

I told her she might be right and to go ahead and see if the grass is greener on the other side, But I will not be there when she falls on her face!!

Then she said he had already lied to her, and that infact him and his wife are seperated, but are still not Divorced. And that When She talks to him on the phone they have nothing to talk about anymore. (He's starting to show his true colors)

 

She cryed telling me she really wanted to try but is scared.

 

I told her that I understand she is afraid and that it is totally normal, And that Both her and I have to prove ourselves to each other. and that it need to be taken slow (but I'm impatient, I'm working on it though) And that it is not going to be easy to work on things. That if she can't promise to really try and commit, Do not waste out Time.

I told her that I will not promise that things will be great, but that they will not be the same as they were!! And that we need to be able to notice if we start to backslide and correct it quickly!!

She said she really does want to try, and is afraid she won't get the old feelings back, But that she is really going to try this time. and she has realized just how short life is and how important out marriage is!!

I told her that the feelings she think she lost, Might just be hidden buy her fears and the the distance between us probaly has alot t o do with the fact we have spend 6 Months learning to live seperately. That if we commit to the marriage and work slowly on things that the good and comfortable feelings will return, probaly stronger that ever. I asked that she get rid of her safty net and just take the leap of faith!!

She said she will!!! She also told my mother last night that Her and I were really going to try on work on things this time!! She said she had such a sence of relief when we had the big talk and she decided she was gonna focus on our marriage!! (So that is good I think)

 

She has been back and forth allot so I need to be careful, but she seems much more sure now!!!

 

WE SHALL SEE

[jmargel]

Happy for ya Chad. I would make sure she has stopped all contact w/ this other guy, and to have her let you know when he contacts her. I would also make an appointment this week with a MC. You can't be a husband and a counselor at the same time, since you can't be 100% objective in the situation.

 

Set boundaries and make sure you stick with them. Let her know, that 'No contact', means 'No contact', that there will not be a second chance in regards to that. If she wants to write a letter, that you read it first and watch her send it. Anytime cheating has gone on in a marriage it's essential that this & MC happens.

 

Everything you said to her was the right thing to do. I'm glad you really took our advice and saw what it takes to make it work. Right now I'm just guessing the next year will be a roller coaster ride, since this OG is still in the picture and your wife goes back & forth on what she says. As for the feelings part, don't try to win her over in that respect. Remember that what she did to you is as bad as what you did to her. Let her come to you and that feeling will come back..

[lisapizza]

I would also make an appointment this week with a MC. You can't be a husband and a counselor at the same time, since you can't be 100% objective in the situation.

 

Set boundaries and make sure you stick with them. Let her know, that 'No contact', means 'No contact', that there will not be a second chance in regards to that. Anytime cheating has gone on in a marriage it's essential that this & MC happens.

quote]

 

 

Absolutely 100% "on the money" with this reply. You are now starting the hard part. You need to go to IC and MC for a while. Make sure you are both on the same level. I think you both acted a bit immature just from being kinda "young" but you seem to really love each other and that's a start.

 

Really wish you both the best and keep us all posted.