I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[chadnickole]

Wrong, they were actors. Not men.

 

And you might as well carry a club and find the woman of your choice, knock her over the head and drag her back to your cave.

 

Being a man is showing confidence and making yourself heard without using fear.

 

 

Whoa Whoa Whoa, I'm not agreeing Just though it was kinda humorous

definatly not adding that to my bag of tricks........Promise!!!

 

just the stop being whiny sissy part!!!!!

 

as in me being the whiner/sissy

[Antha]

Here's my take on it, from a woman's perspective:

 

I think a man should do more than grunt his responses and fart loudly. Women don't need a metrosexual...but women (me) want a man who is secure to be exactly who he is, who is receptive and open to what another person (no matter who it is) is saying.

 

In fact, a REAL man is so secure in his identity that he does not act like a neanderthal. He is willing to communicate...but he doesn't cry like a baby at the drop of the hat. He's not afraid of emotions, but he's not "overly emotional".

 

A REAL man is one who (at least) tries to understand women; he can stand on his own two feet; he's masculine without "overdoing" it. He doesn't have to PROVE he's a man because it's obvious. He doesn't have to play mind games like being a jerk just so that girls will like him (I don't know why my gender always falls for jerks; it's a mystery).

 

Yes, it is a HUGE turn-off to a woman when the guy is MORE feminine than she is. I think most women want a man who has a good balance of being able to communicate and understand us, and being able to be strong and masculine at the same time.

 

It's not just men who shouldn't be acting like "whiny sissies". Men are equally turned off to "desperate, clingy, needy" women", which is basically the female equivelant of "whiny sissy". With women, it's more or less expected that we have emotion and that we aren't afraid to show it. Many men are conditioned to think that showing their emotions is a bad thing. It's not, but there is a time and a place and a situation that warrants it. And being a "whiny sissy" (overemotional and needy) is one end of the scale, and "neanderthal jerk" is on the opposite end. The key is to be somewhere in the middle without being cold or robotic at the wrong times.

 

I know you didn't agree with the whole thing, but I just have to address that bit about the "guys don't shave" thing...trying not to be too gross here...but I love it when the 'boys' down there are shaved and I'm a lot more willing to give them ample attention with my tongue than I would if they weren't. Plus...it makes 'it' look bigger.

[jmargel]

Antha.. i dye my pubes pink.. Does that turn you on?

[ilmw]

Hmmmm.. this thread is taking an interesting turn...

[Dad_of_3]

Hahahahaha ... couldnt have put it better myself ilmw

[chadnickole]

Well I'm well Groomed, so that is good to know from a mans perspective!!! :cool: :bunny: :cool:

[chadnickole]

Here's my take on it, from a woman's perspective:

 

I think a man should do more than grunt his responses and fart loudly. Women don't need a metrosexual...but women (me) want a man who is secure to be exactly who he is, who is receptive and open to what another person (no matter who it is) is saying.

 

In fact, a REAL man is so secure in his identity that he does not act like a neanderthal. He is willing to communicate...but he doesn't cry like a baby at the drop of the hat. He's not afraid of emotions, but he's not "overly emotional".

 

A REAL man is one who (at least) tries to understand women; he can stand on his own two feet; he's masculine without "overdoing" it. He doesn't have to PROVE he's a man because it's obvious. He doesn't have to play mind games like being a jerk just so that girls will like him (I don't know why my gender always falls for jerks; it's a mystery).

 

Yes, it is a HUGE turn-off to a woman when the guy is MORE feminine than she is. I think most women want a man who has a good balance of being able to communicate and understand us, and being able to be strong and masculine at the same time.

 

It's not just men who shouldn't be acting like "whiny sissies". Men are equally turned off to "desperate, clingy, needy" women", which is basically the female equivelant of "whiny sissy". With women, it's more or less expected that we have emotion and that we aren't afraid to show it. Many men are conditioned to think that showing their emotions is a bad thing. It's not, but there is a time and a place and a situation that warrants it. And being a "whiny sissy" (overemotional and needy) is one end of the scale, and "neanderthal jerk" is on the opposite end. The key is to be somewhere in the middle without being cold or robotic at the wrong times.

 

I know you didn't agree with the whole thing, but I just have to address that bit about the "guys don't shave" thing...trying not to be too gross here...but I love it when the 'boys' down there are shaved and I'm a lot more willing to give them ample attention with my tongue than I would if they weren't. Plus...it makes 'it' look bigger.

 

 

All this is were I strive to be, right down the middle

thank you for putting it ito words for me to better follow!!!

[chadnickole]

talk to her so bad about reconciling Tonight, it eating me up right now!!

what do I do?

 

I have been very cool that last few days with no problem but i'm getting a little rushed about the whole thing, I know that bringing it up and startingan argument will not help the cause!!

 

I want to ask her if she has been talking with the OG, but she will probally just get offended and lie anyway. then we have another argument!!

 

any time that i have asked her how she is feeling she just says nothing has changed she still feels the same!! But I haven't asked her in a while!!

 

The mornings are hard for me!! I don't know why, but then the day get easier and then the night comes which gets kinda hard again!! I'm keeping things to myself not including DW to my thoughts, hell I don't know I just needed to write for a minute!!

 

 

Thanks All

[jmargel]

Re-read my previous post.

 

 

----

 

In a way just act like you don't give a damn anymore. You are not letting her come to you, and if in fact she is not talking to her ex or another man, by doing this she will come.

 

Think of it as a gift you are giving her. If you smother her so much she'll never get the chance to come to you. She fell for you, because of your confidence. Now that, has eroded she sees this as a weakness. However it is what she's done to have caused this to happen, yet she doesnt know it yet. Only counseling will point this out.

 

Honestly what are you getting out of all of this? She's still be wishy-washy and you are still hanging onto her ankles. You have done everything you can, the ball is in her court. If she wants to end the marriage let her have it on her own conscious. However there comes a point where if she wants to work on it, THEN work on it. Quit talking about it and actually do something about it.

 

My only advice to you at this point is to goto counseling, tell her you are going and invite her. You will then get to the point where either she comes with you or move onto something else. You are stuck playing HER head games.

[chadnickole]

Re-read my previous post.

 

 

----

 

In a way just act like you don't give a damn anymore. You are not letting her come to you, and if in fact she is not talking to her ex or another man, by doing this she will come.

 

Think of it as a gift you are giving her. If you smother her so much she'll never get the chance to come to you. She fell for you, because of your confidence. Now that, has eroded she sees this as a weakness. However it is what she's done to have caused this to happen, yet she doesnt know it yet. Only counseling will point this out.

 

Honestly what are you getting out of all of this? She's still be wishy-washy and you are still hanging onto her ankles. You have done everything you can, the ball is in her court. If she wants to end the marriage let her have it on her own conscious. However there comes a point where if she wants to work on it, THEN work on it. Quit talking about it and actually do something about it.

 

My only advice to you at this point is to goto counseling, tell her you are going and invite her. You will then get to the point where either she comes with you or move onto something else. You are stuck playing HER head games.

 

 

should I ask her if she is still talking to the other Guy? I know I'm a pain in the ass!!

[jmargel]

Only if you want to go back a few more steps and show weakness again.

 

Do NOT ask her about the other guy. If she is seeing him, she'll lie anyways. All that will show her is that you aren't changing.

 

Honestly you need to take my advice and find a counselor as well. You are letting your imagination get the best of you. You continue to play these mind games with her and it's slowly ripping what you two have left, apart.

 

Make an appointment today to see a counselor, let her know that you've done this and would like for her to come along. If she doesn't, just say 'Fine', and leave it go at that.

 

The only thing you can control right now is yourself. You can't control whether she sees this other guy or whether she is going to stay in the marriage. So don't make the problem worse by continuing to hound on her about it.

 

Like in my previous post, act like you are ready to move on. As long as you don't show confidence that will continue to allow her to mistreat you, giving her that safety net that you'll always be around.

 

The real issue isn't about this 'other man'. It's about her immaturity and the way she is acting.

[chadnickole]

Only if you want to go back a few more steps and show weakness again.

 

Do NOT ask her about the other guy. If she is seeing him, she'll lie anyways. All that will show her is that you aren't changing.

 

Honestly you need to take my advice and find a counselor as well. You are letting your imagination get the best of you. You continue to play these mind games with her and it's slowly ripping what you two have left, apart.

 

Make an appointment today to see a counselor, let her know that you've done this and would like for her to come along. If she doesn't, just say 'Fine', and leave it go at that.

 

The only thing you can control right now is yourself. You can't control whether she sees this other guy or whether she is going to stay in the marriage. So don't make the problem worse by continuing to hound on her about it.

 

Like in my previous post, act like you are ready to move on. As long as you don't show confidence that will continue to allow her to mistreat you, giving her that safety net that you'll always be around.

 

The real issue isn't about this 'other man'. It's about her immaturity and the way she is acting.

 

 

Thanks, Your Right.

 

I'm gonna print this out and keep it with me!!

[chadnickole]

We have been around eachother quite a bit in the past few days because of our Son, but I've yet to even mention the R. Things are going okay I'm feelling a little more posative about things. No matter what direction they go!!

 

Take care All:)

[ilmw]

We have been around eachother quite a bit in the past few days because of our Son, but I've yet to even mention the R. Things are going okay I'm feelling a little more posative about things. No matter what direction they go!!

 

Take care All:)

 

Awsome... see what a little control of your emotions..does for you

 

Its like everyone has been saying... if what you are doing is not working.... do something else.... and it sounds like that is what you are doing... Keep it up.... bud..(claps hands with admiration)..

 

But.... stay steady.... maintain.... hope for the best and expect the worst.... (crappy mantra... but Hell it gets yah through the day... :lmao: )

 

Chow...!

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Listen to Jmargel! He's spot on!

 

Its all about attitude and perspective. Its all about how you you look at it.

 

The "calvary" isn't going to bail you out of this ~ its all you!

 

You're on you own! And, its get "f**ked , fight or go for you gun" time! What are you going to do?

 

Most of life isn't about what happens to you, but what you do about it. And your perspective about the situation.

 

In your case, the worse case secerio is that:

 

Damn the bad luck! I've got to go and find a new girlfriend(s)

[chadnickole]

Listen to Jmargel! He's spot on!

 

Its all about attitude and perspective. Its all about how you you look at it.

 

The "calvary" isn't going to bail you out of this ~ its all you!

 

You're on you own! And, its get "f**ked , fight or go for you gun" time! What are you going to do?

 

Most of life isn't about what happens to you, but what you do about it. And your perspective about the situation.

 

In your case, the worse case secerio is that:

 

Damn the bad luck! I've got to go and find a new girlfriend(s)

 

~She has invited me to stay the night Christmas eve, so I 'd be there christmas morning:)

~She asked if I wanted to go shopping with her on saturday to get stuff for the Christmas dinner she is gonna make for My Mom, Brother, and Me:)

~She invited me over for dinner (last minute) Last Night!! She invited her girlfriend for Dinner but she cancelled so I got the Dinner instead!!

She Said "I figured I'd invite you for dinner since you take my garbage out sometimes":)

~And she has been very thankful for everything I've done for her....I was shopping and brought her over some food!!! She thanked me then, She called me and thanked me at home 1 1/2 later, and she texted me the next day to thank me!!

 

Still hopen for the best and exspecting the worst ( ilmw ;] )

[chadnickole]

I have not brought anything up about our R. I guess I just wonder if she is trying ti get a reaction or something, I don't know how to take it I guess!!

 

I did ask her today if she would like to go see a movie and go bowling....She said "how about next friday if things go smoothly on Christmas

 

 

Divorced and 20 something

 

"By Maria Ricapito You’re not quite 30 yet, but it happened to you: You’ve got a “failed” marriage to your credit. You’re what people might call a baby divorcée, but it’s hardly a label you want. Your focus is more on: How’d that happen? Am I ever going to date again? Am I ever going to want to date again? And when I do date, do I hang out with the other single 20somethings, or is there a new way to date that’s more appropriate for a person with a past?

 

To understand what life is like for the young and the divorced — and how they can move on with their romantic lives — we talked to relationship experts and people who’ve been there. Here, they share tips, insights, and advice.

 

Is divorcing young a new trend?

“The younger you are when you’re married, the more likely it is to end in divorce,” says Pamela Paul, author of The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony. Forty percent of marriages overall fail. “That number goes up into 50 percent or more for people in their 20s,” she adds.

 

There are many theories on where to lay the blame for the current generation of divorces. “It’s that whole one-click culture,” says Paul. “This generation moves at warp speed. They want to get married right away and when it doesn’t work out, they want to get out. They’re the consumer generation.” They’re also, she says, a group that grew up with the concept of the makeover. “If this identity isn’t working for you, start over.”

 

“I’ve been noticing more young divorces happening for the last couple of years,” says Amanda Freeman, a vice president of The Intelligence Group, a consumer insight firm in New York City. “This generation is a little more noncommittal and more fickle. They’re taught in so many areas of their lives that something new and better will arrive over time—they don’t want to commit to things. There’s always a new cell phone on the horizon.”

 

Now, no one is saying that 20somethings don’t mind being divorced — they do indeed — but they may be more willing to view divorce as a viable option than those who are somewhat older. And of course, there’s the fact that in early, brief marriages, there may not be children involved. That’s another factor that makes it somewhat less onerous for couples to break up.

 

How does it feel to be divorced so young?

When young couples do separate, the reaction can range from relief to regret. “We sat on the front steps of our apartment and divided up the photo albums. She said I’m going to miss you and hugged me. She got in the car and took a left turn out of my life,” says Philip Scher, who was married at 25 and divorced by 26. “After spending every moment together, I haven’t seen her again. But I don’t regret divorcing at all—I was young and I wasn’t ready. After we split, I moved back to the city and met somebody else—just for fun, no pressure. I joined a band. I went out a lot—I felt like I had missed a few years of being young.”

 

Others find being divorced more difficult. “For me, divorce created a black hole in my life. Each time I fell apart, I was like Humpty Dumpty—I was never put back together again,” says Deena O’Reilly, who was divorced at 25. “I may have been young, but I felt as though I still belonged to someone—only he wasn’t there when I got home.”

 

As hard as it is, you’re still likely to have it easier than older divorcées. “The 20something can more easily get right back on the horse,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want by Betting On Yourself. “When you’re young, you’re more adventuresome. You don’t have a history of one hurt after another. Your history is much shorter.” The 40something divorced dater is more “skittish about getting hurt again,” she adds. But how does the 20something divorcée get back out there—hanging out with the post-collegiate crowd? With older single friends? Here’s how.

 

“Where will I find someone new?”

“Many more 20somethings go to bars compared to 40somethings,” says Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce, “because the bar scene is currently very hot in many urban locations.” Just because you are divorced doesn’t mean that your youthful spirit of going out and mingling should fall by the wayside. Others in their 20s go to cultural events, such as the symphony or ballet. “There are special groups for under 40s that have outings, pre-performance get-togethers, etc.”

 

Sometimes it’s not so much a matter of changing old habits, but learning them for the first time. “Getting back into the dating world is a difficult, difficult thing,” says Rebecca Gerhardt, 26, who was married at 21 and divorced at 23. “For the most part, it seems that people who are married and then divorced in their 20s didn’t necessarily do a lot of dating before they met ‘the one,’ which makes learning to date one of the hardest things. My ex and I dated all through college; I hadn’t dated a lot before then.” Agrees Deena O’Reilly, “Dating was different after divorce because I didn’t know how to meet men. I hadn’t had much time as a single person before my marriage. So I found my own ways to meet men—I started taking my car to the car wash on Saturday mornings, grocery shopping around 6 p.m., and I attended more than one church during the week. Instead of dropping my car off at the Quick Lube for an oil change, I would wait in the waiting room and check the men out!”

 

When’s the right time for full disclosure?

When it comes to revealing your ex-marital status, there’s being open and then there’s T.M.I., say our experts. “For people in their forties, divorce is so common today that it’s fine to bring it up in a lighthearted way on the first date, and then move onto the next topic,” says dating coach Liz H. Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. But, if you’re in your 20s, “leave the divorce history alone until after a few dates with someone,” she says. “There is no need to bring it up until after you’ve decided that there may be a connection.”

 

After all, dating is about packaging, says Dr. Carle. “If you introduce yourself as ‘Hello, my name is Jane and I’m recently divorced even though I’m in my 20s’—that’s a turnoff.” It also, she says, “makes your baggage seem like steamer trunks to someone else.” But of course, you don’t want to hide the truth. Says Gerhardt, “I figured that if a few skeletons (divorce, etc.) were going to scare them away, I might as well find that out sooner than later. So I didn’t pull a lot of punches. And in the end I was glad that I went with that route. It’s not about trying to impress the other person; it’s about honesty.” And that’s one bit of advice that holds true for all people—previously married or not, young or old."

[jmargel]

What the heck is going through her head?

 

Chad, I told you before what you needed to do. Goto counseling and invite her. You need to stop playing her games. If she thinks that article is going to help you, its more like her rubbing your nose in all of this.

 

In response to that article all you need to say is "Thanks, but no thanks, I'm sorting this out through my own means. I'm going to counseling and if you wish to try to correct the problems we have in our marriage then you're more than welcome to come".

 

At this point I don't know what else to say. You don't seem to be taking the advice of seeing a counselor and inviting her. What are you afraid of?

[chadnickole]

What the heck is going through her head?

 

Chad, I told you before what you needed to do. Goto counseling and invite her. You need to stop playing her games. If she thinks that article is going to help you, its more like her rubbing your nose in all of this.

 

In response to that article all you need to say is "Thanks, but no thanks, I'm sorting this out through my own means. I'm going to counseling and if you wish to try to correct the problems we have in our marriage then you're more than welcome to come".

 

At this point I don't know what else to say. You don't seem to be taking the advice of seeing a counselor and inviting her. What are you afraid of?

 

 

I have been going to see a couseler, I mentioned to her that she could come if she would like...... She didn't seem to intersted in it, So about a week later I told her that after the holidays once things settled down I'd like her to go to marriage couseling with me!! She said she would!!

 

I don't know if she will follow threw, but i did ask!! other than that I've been letting her come to me.

 

Other than asking her to see a movie with me tomarrow (only because she was dropping hints about wanting to see this movie) to that she said how about next friday lets wait after christmas and see if that go's smoothly

[jmargel]

Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor and that she is wanting to go. Hopefully this will put you two on the right track.

[chadnickole]

Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor and that she is wanting to go. Hopefully this will put you two on the right track.

 

 

She has been being very nice to be with please and thank you's lrtting me know were she is going and just plain pleasent................Then she tells me after I ask her out!! lets see how Christmas go's first and I get that article!!

 

I don't want her just being pleasent to me for the holidays just to side swipe after christmas with some bad news.......... I feel like that is what she is doing now!!

 

her and I are going grocurie shopping Saturday night for christmas dinner which she is making for Me, my Mom and my Brother.

and I'm staying the night over her place Christmas Eve Night, so I'm there first thing in the morning!! Now at first I thought that was a good sighn with her comming to me and calling me and every thing else.........

Now I feel its the calm beforethe storm!!!!

 

I feel like blowing my top right now, good think for the Paxil!!!!

[ilmw]

Chad.. how is it going?

 

Hanging in there..right..?

 

Gotta be strong .... cause this is going to be a real test of your character... xmas.. and all..

 

Let us know how things are ...k

 

ilmw

[chadnickole]

Chad.. how is it going?

 

Hanging in there..right..?

 

Gotta be strong .... cause this is going to be a real test of your character... xmas.. and all..

 

Let us know how things are ...k

 

ilmw

 

 

Things are fine, I'm doing okay no real problems.....

 

The Wife has been coming to mequite a bit latley. she came over the otherday and hung out with me, She was pretty affectionate towards me with leaning on me and such. I fell asleep on the couch while she was here (nap time) and was shockingly woken up by a little peck on the lips from her!! So that was good I guess. Just really trying not to look to much into it right now because its the holidays. She could have a change of pace after the new year!!

 

She still comments on if we if this if that, so again not looking for to much just trying to have a merry christams and a happy new year!!

 

Happy Hiloidays to you all:p

 

Chad

[chadnickole]

An update

 

Christmas Night I spent over the wife apartment I slept on the couch she slept in our sons room with him, He was sick all night and has been latly. Christmas was nice I enjoyed the time spent with my wife and son together. She also made dinner for my mother and brother it turned out really good, She was so nourvous about making Dinner, but she did an excellent job!

 

After Christams I kept my son all week because I did not have to work and she did, I had a great week with my son all to myself:) ... I could see her slipping away from me again along that weeks time, but I didnt say anything about it, I just acted like things were fine and went on day to day!

 

I invited her out for new years with me, she agreed to go, I went out and bought some tickets to a local place with in walking distance from her place, And I set a sitter up for our Son (Grandma)...... Well the Wife cancelled on me at about 5pm that day, So that Kinda started an arguement...... She told me that we are not even together and that this is just to big of a thing for us to do Together!!..... She also told me that she did'nt want to give me false hope, She aplologized and said that is just her fellings so naturally I was heart broken again!! I keep getting my hopes up and she just backpeddles again....

 

Any way I stopped buy her place a couple of hours later and we had a glass of wine togther!! Our son was sick so she wanted to stay with him and she wasn't feeling well herself.....When I left I asked her that after Our son went to sleep if she would just go up to the bar with me and have a few drinks, and that we didn't need to stay till midnight, she said she would think about and to call her in an hour.........Just as I figured when I called It went right to voice mail:mad:

 

I went to bed at 10:30 she called and apologized at 11:00.......... I was in no mood to go out at that point any way so I just stayed in bed and slept threw to the new year!! Misserable and this really sucked and still does suck!! :mad:

 

I hope all your New Years were better than Mine!!

 

Chad:(

[chadnickole]

I found a picture of her and him taken at Niagra falls in canada, She was wearing the coat my mother bought her! He had his arm around her smiling. She was not smiling just standing there.... This picture is not very old I'm just trying to figure out when she had time for that!! We live in Michigan a couple of hours away from canada... I took the picture But have yet to say anything to her!! I don't want her to know I was Snooping But WTF

 

What to do??