Separated Soon To Be Divorced

[flowerpot]

You want the marriage?

 

Then hang tough!

 

Suck it up!

 

Man-up!

 

Ride that bitch to the end!

As you have read from my previos post, my wife may not be sure if she really wants to go through with the divorce. I have been the NC mode for almost 4 weeks. It has'nt been easy though. I still keep in contact with the kids & the inlaws, they have been there for me the whole time & I am greatful. I will not let my guard down though, nothing is taken for granted these days.

I would like to thank those who have responded to my posts, especially Gunny! you have been an inspiration with you're wisdom, & I take heed to your advice.

Thanks again & God bless!!!!!

[ilmw]

As you have read from my previos post, my wife may not be sure if she really wants to go through with the divorce. I have been the NC mode for almost 4 weeks. It has'nt been easy though. I still keep in contact with the kids & the inlaws, they have been there for me the whole time & I am greatful. I will not let my guard down though, nothing is taken for granted these days.

I would like to thank those who have responded to my posts, especially Gunny! you have been an inspiration with you're wisdom, & I take heed to your advice.

Thanks again & God bless!!!!!

 

Sounds like you are 3 weeks ahead of me....

 

Moved out last week after living in the same house for almost 5 months knowing that day would come...

 

This is not an easy life style... and it sounds like what you are doing is what I intend to be doing... Although the N/C can ... as has been told to me... can be filtered down to going 'dim'...

 

good luck...stay strong...and read...post...read..and post:laugh: Its helped me stay strong... and sane:laugh:

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

Your situation does sound similar, FP. So, my advice to you is the same as I posted to ILMW today:

 

....One of the most important ENs for people with children is parenting. How does our mate interact with our children? Is he a positive role model?....

 

....You are showing not telling. And you're doing it in an unexpected way. She EXPECTS you to beg and plead.... and you didn't.....

 

.....It doesn't hurt a thing to leave her guessing. If she starts feeling like maybe you're going to get away... it might light up a fire under her ass.

 

Now, I'm NOT saying that you ought to 'play games', but it's okay to wait for her to bring Big Relationship Talk to you.... instead of the other way around.

 

Here's the list again. Use what feels most honest to you:

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[Gunny376]

This is your "hood" now, and its a tough neighborhood! You get tough quick, or its going to kick your ass everyday you walk out that door!

 

Its hard finding yourself on the lossing end. That doesn't mean nor make you a loser ~ it makes you a suvivor! Its even harder to "man~up", and to repeatedly pick yourself up regardless of how many time you get knocked down.

 

Letting go ~ is freedom. Less is more. Being still is still moving. Yes is No. Life is riddled with paradoxes. Understanding them helps ~ just accepting them for what they are is the key.

[flowerpot]

I'm sure my wife and I will meet before the divorce is final, but i'm not possitive on what to say! Everything I tried to tell her before seemed to make things worse. I'ts like I do'nt know her anymore. I hav'nt talked to her for over a month. Those who have talked to her told me that she's not 100% shure of what she is doing, just by what she said & how she said it.

I know how to make this work, but it won't be easy, I's going to take alot on both of our parts.

Wish me luck. Thanks

[flowerpot]

I was just wondering why my STBXW would want to keep my last name. I would think she would take back her previous one, as it is the same as my step children.

just wondering.

[Gunny376]

Is she just doesn't want to go through the hassel of all the paperwork. I seriously doubt that its to pay homage to you and your family.

[flowerpot]

I was even thinking that she was planning on getting married to the P.O.S. that she's been seeing soon after yhe divorce.

[Gunny376]

I was even thinking that she was planning on getting married to the P.O.S. that she's been seeing soon after yhe divorce.

 

 

That seals the deal. Why go through a legal name change twice?

[guest]

I'm sure my wife and I will meet before the divorce is final, but i'm not possitive on what to say! Everything I tried to tell her before seemed to make things worse. I'ts like I do'nt know her anymore. I hav'nt talked to her for over a month. Those who have talked to her told me that she's not 100% shure of what she is doing, just by what she said & how she said it.

I know how to make this work, but it won't be easy, I's going to take alot on both of our parts.

Wish me luck. Thanks

 

 

I am also not 100% sure of myself, and at the moment every time my H says he loves me I get this sick feelinging inside, If he touches me I feel contaminated and I have changed so much myself over the last 2 years. I wish he would be a man and take charge of the situation, and not leave me to do the emotional work, and it is all about what he has done anyway! I am a reletively good looking woman, and have kept my high school figure dispite 3 children and a previous divorce from an abusive 1st husband. He is 7 years older than me, and also fairly regular (although I think he is a hunk of course) My husband and I have been going through a really rough patch for the last two years. You sound a lot like him "superficially" flowerpot, a stable person, good provider, really good dad to our child and my two from the former marriage. Only problem is I feel like he was never really in love with me and keeps a great deal of himself separate from me and the kids (like he needs to keep a part of himself away from us) That in its own is bad enough, but every now and again I catch him lying to me about silly things, and once after I noticed how he was around a certain woman and snooped on his office pc and found some really flirtatious stuff between them from 4 years earlier, and then nothing until a few days around the time I "noticed". I was devestated, and the fact that I had just lost a baby (miscarriage) made it worse for me. I confronted him and he consistantly assured me there was nothing a foot (granted most of the racy stuff came from her side) anyhow, he became increasingly angry with me for suspecting him and cut off all contact with her (well, that I am aware of). A long long long period of time has passed and in all honesty, I do not feel as though we have discussed it enough (too many contradictory cross referrences) and I have grown increasingly insecure and suspicious of his every move. He has pretty much stopped going anywhere for fear of upsetting me, yet when we do go out (it is hard to get away with 3 young children) he always manages to sit and stare at a woman or comment about or to her in ways that are innappropriate. It is not the same women everytime, but he seems to need to focus on someone and single them out in a more flamboyant fasion. I can imagine how this will play out over the next ten years or so (we have been together for nearly 6 years, married for 4) I will also probably 'snap' one day and it will really seem to him that it is uncalled for and unprovoked, and since he refuses to discuss this with me (he says I am paranoid and am looking for things to grill him about) I have no one to discuss my pain and fears with, my dissappointment and my anger. It is slowly brewing inside becoming bigger and more serious as the months and years roll by. I wish he had just taken the time to listen to how I feel without translating this into blame or my looking for a confrontation. I just needed him to understand my pain and perhaps show some remorse at his actions. Ok. perhaps he did not have a full on affair, but it hurts as though he did. He actively persued a possibility of one and does not see how this was innappropriate for someone in a commited relationship. I just needed him to listen, understand why I felt like I did and comunicate to me that he either just did not care, or that he wanted someone else or whatever it is he feels. He will do none of these and just keeps saying "it was nothing, I love you, I did not intend and did not have an affair" He really does not see that going for coffee in the middle of the day with another married woman after she has emailed him and spoken badly of his wife and cracked jokes about them going for the "mile high club" is in any way not ok.

 

wish I had the courage to pack a bag for him and change the locks so that he can take his fun flight - I hope losing our love and family is worth the jaunt. Wish I had the courage to confront him and fight with him and say all the scathing things that swim in my head. One day I might and by then he will have probably "settled down just as I get rearing to go". He is really a calm and easy person, just not easy to talk to, and does not seem to be "here" even when he is here.

 

I confronted him a few times about how I feel and how it is eating away at me, he agreed to counselling but nothing came of it - he says I have to set it all up, he will come along. He still feels I am overreacting and is so upset and offended that I suspect him of an affair. sometimes I feel so guilty, then remember him holding hands with a girl he met through my sister in law and knew for all of 2 days, on our front lawn at that! He sees nothing wrong with that, says it was a natural thing, friendly like and innocent - with someone he harldy knows? He has loads of (girl) friends and does not hold their hands. INNOCENT my ass! why does he not do that with everyone he knows then?

 

Last night I told him I have been thinking of divorce, that I am tired and cannot maintain this emotional pace. I am becoming depressed and ratty with the children who can sense something is wrong because they make us beautiful cards everyday telling us we are the best mom and dad and that they love us so much (he is really wonderful with them). It is almost as though they are trying to push us together.

 

I have set up counselling beginning next week and he seems really commited to working it all out (now that I have mentioned the D word and told him I dont really care any more). So it is, I don't really care anymore, whatever we do will seem rote to me from here on out, I don't trust him anymore and I am so angry with him for risking our future like he did, and for thinking I am dumb enough not to notice. I hate most of all what this is going to do to the kids, and I have another on the way now. Should I stay and simmer for the next 10 years then loose my senses one day and dessert everyone. Or should I brace the torture of leaving him and make a new life (AGAIN)? I so badly want to be settled and happy and make things happen in my life and enjoy my little ones. I really do love him desparately and I don't think he intentially hurt me, he just didn't care enough to hold back when he should have. unreciprocated love is the PITS, even worse than the physical, mental and emotional abuse I endured with my first marriage - It is so much easier to get angry with someone who will hold a knife to your throat.

 

I'm not saying you did this to your wife, just that perhaps when she needed someone to listen, was too "proper" to have an affair with the first young man who made her feel special, and sat with the pain and silence, she slowly developed a plan or went mad. It is difficult with a husband who works long hours - mine does too, but I have made peace with that and try to fit my life around it. If you have done this to her, appologise, tell her that you are aware of what you have done, how it happened and that you know how it must have made her feel for so long. It will in all likelyhood do nothing to salvage your relationship but will help her heal inside and perhaps for her children's sakes come around and be her old self - perhaps then she might find forgiveness and come back? but this is all speculation, since you only speak of what she has done "out of the blue". You sound like the perfect guy whose only fault was slogging away for his family. I hope another dissillusioned wife's point of view will shed some light onto how a woman's mind can work (or not work).

[Lor]

That seals the deal. Why go through a legal name change twice?

 

ahhh....Classic Gunny--there's nothing finer.

 

FP, if you don't want to file, don't. If you think you can wait and deal with all this yet, then wait. No one ever said there was a time limit and no one ever said you HAD to take action, with exception being to take action for yourself. You should be your top priority in all this, hard as that may sound.

 

To look at this honestly, if your wife never changed back to the way she was, would you try now? Do you like ther person she is now? If she did change back, could you get past everything that happened? Don't get back together with her for the sake of the kids. They are almost grown and you've already shown them that you are there for them regardless--which btw shows how much of a wonderful person you truely are.

 

You keep asking what about when the money you gave her runs out...well, honey, that's her problem, not yours........

[flowerpot]

I am also not 100% sure of myself, and at the moment every time my H says he loves me I get this sick feelinging inside, If he touches me I feel contaminated and I have changed so much myself over the last 2 years. I wish he would be a man and take charge of the situation, and not leave me to do the emotional work, and it is all about what he has done anyway! I am a reletively good looking woman, and have kept my high school figure dispite 3 children and a previous divorce from an abusive 1st husband. He is 7 years older than me, and also fairly regular (although I think he is a hunk of course) My husband and I have been going through a really rough patch for the last two years. You sound a lot like him "superficially" flowerpot, a stable person, good provider, really good dad to our child and my two from the former marriage. Only problem is I feel like he was never really in love with me and keeps a great deal of himself separate from me and the kids (like he needs to keep a part of himself away from us) That in its own is bad enough, but every now and again I catch him lying to me about silly things, and once after I noticed how he was around a certain woman and snooped on his office pc and found some really flirtatious stuff between them from 4 years earlier, and then nothing until a few days around the time I "noticed". I was devestated, and the fact that I had just lost a baby (miscarriage) made it worse for me. I confronted him and he consistantly assured me there was nothing a foot (granted most of the racy stuff came from her side) anyhow, he became increasingly angry with me for suspecting him and cut off all contact with her (well, that I am aware of). A long long long period of time has passed and in all honesty, I do not feel as though we have discussed it enough (too many contradictory cross referrences) and I have grown increasingly insecure and suspicious of his every move. He has pretty much stopped going anywhere for fear of upsetting me, yet when we do go out (it is hard to get away with 3 young children) he always manages to sit and stare at a woman or comment about or to her in ways that are innappropriate. It is not the same women everytime, but he seems to need to focus on someone and single them out in a more flamboyant fasion. I can imagine how this will play out over the next ten years or so (we have been together for nearly 6 years, married for 4) I will also probably 'snap' one day and it will really seem to him that it is uncalled for and unprovoked, and since he refuses to discuss this with me (he says I am paranoid and am looking for things to grill him about) I have no one to discuss my pain and fears with, my dissappointment and my anger. It is slowly brewing inside becoming bigger and more serious as the months and years roll by. I wish he had just taken the time to listen to how I feel without translating this into blame or my looking for a confrontation. I just needed him to understand my pain and perhaps show some remorse at his actions. Ok. perhaps he did not have a full on affair, but it hurts as though he did. He actively persued a possibility of one and does not see how this was innappropriate for someone in a commited relationship. I just needed him to listen, understand why I felt like I did and comunicate to me that he either just did not care, or that he wanted someone else or whatever it is he feels. He will do none of these and just keeps saying "it was nothing, I love you, I did not intend and did not have an affair" He really does not see that going for coffee in the middle of the day with another married woman after she has emailed him and spoken badly of his wife and cracked jokes about them going for the "mile high club" is in any way not ok.

 

wish I had the courage to pack a bag for him and change the locks so that he can take his fun flight - I hope losing our love and family is worth the jaunt. Wish I had the courage to confront him and fight with him and say all the scathing things that swim in my head. One day I might and by then he will have probably "settled down just as I get rearing to go". He is really a calm and easy person, just not easy to talk to, and does not seem to be "here" even when he is here.

 

I confronted him a few times about how I feel and how it is eating away at me, he agreed to counselling but nothing came of it - he says I have to set it all up, he will come along. He still feels I am overreacting and is so upset and offended that I suspect him of an affair. sometimes I feel so guilty, then remember him holding hands with a girl he met through my sister in law and knew for all of 2 days, on our front lawn at that! He sees nothing wrong with that, says it was a natural thing, friendly like and innocent - with someone he harldy knows? He has loads of (girl) friends and does not hold their hands. INNOCENT my ass! why does he not do that with everyone he knows then?

 

Last night I told him I have been thinking of divorce, that I am tired and cannot maintain this emotional pace. I am becoming depressed and ratty with the children who can sense something is wrong because they make us beautiful cards everyday telling us we are the best mom and dad and that they love us so much (he is really wonderful with them). It is almost as though they are trying to push us together.

 

I have set up counselling beginning next week and he seems really commited to working it all out (now that I have mentioned the D word and told him I dont really care any more). So it is, I don't really care anymore, whatever we do will seem rote to me from here on out, I don't trust him anymore and I am so angry with him for risking our future like he did, and for thinking I am dumb enough not to notice. I hate most of all what this is going to do to the kids, and I have another on the way now. Should I stay and simmer for the next 10 years then loose my senses one day and dessert everyone. Or should I brace the torture of leaving him and make a new life (AGAIN)? I so badly want to be settled and happy and make things happen in my life and enjoy my little ones. I really do love him desparately and I don't think he intentially hurt me, he just didn't care enough to hold back when he should have. unreciprocated love is the PITS, even worse than the physical, mental and emotional abuse I endured with my first marriage - It is so much easier to get angry with someone who will hold a knife to your throat.

 

I'm not saying you did this to your wife, just that perhaps when she needed someone to listen, was too "proper" to have an affair with the first young man who made her feel special, and sat with the pain and silence, she slowly developed a plan or went mad. It is difficult with a husband who works long hours - mine does too, but I have made peace with that and try to fit my life around it. If you have done this to her, appologise, tell her that you are aware of what you have done, how it happened and that you know how it must have made her feel for so long. It will in all likelyhood do nothing to salvage your relationship but will help her heal inside and perhaps for her children's sakes come around and be her old self - perhaps then she might find forgiveness and come back? but this is all speculation, since you only speak of what she has done "out of the blue". You sound like the perfect guy whose only fault was slogging away for his family. I hope another dissillusioned wife's point of view will shed some light onto how a woman's mind can work (or not work).

 

Dear guest,

After reading your post I had tears in my eyes. I saw myself, except for the flirting and stuff like that. I was'nt returning her love the way that I should have, I was always to busy or just did'nt see the urgency. Long hours at work and running a small bussiness burnt me out . I was afraid to leave the biz to get away with wy wife!!! I take alot of blame for what has happened. I only wish my wife would have opened up to me like you have done with your husband,but what is done is done. I will break the no contact to appologise to her and let her know I am sorry. I will not expect things to change as our divorce will be final next Friday. Unfortunataly I was told by her that if I didn't file , she would get lawyers involved. So I did as to make this easier for us, and

to do as little damage as possible to what is left in us. I hope I didn't misslead anyone on my post. Like Gunny said" we both screwed up we didn't date our mate, we didn't take downtime with the family" During the sepparation I found LS , I have learned alot about myself and what my wife was going through. I don't put all of the blame on her there is plenty to go around!! I only hope that time will heal. My wife is a wonderful person,very beautiful,& a great mother. For her to do what she did, there had to be something terribly wrong in our relationship, but I was clueless!! I know thats no excuse, but it is the truth. I do feel like hell over this. I do miss her and will always love her. She has told me the same but the O.M. is in her life now. Who knows what the future will hold.

Thanks very much for the post.

[Ladyjane14]

Guest, there's a good article that you might get some insight from and explains why a woman needs to feel present in her husband's life. It's written in terms that guy can usually relate to readily enough, so you might even consider printing it off and sharing it with your husband.. You'll find it if you type into your browser..."why women leave men, marriagebuilders".

 

 

You might want to read it too, Flowerpot. It can't hurt a bit. If nothing else, it's one more perspective.

[Gunny376]

"You sound like the perfect guy whose only fault was slogging away for his family. I hope another dissillusioned wife's point of view will shed some light onto how a woman's mind can work (or not work)."

 

From a man's perspective, its seems to me that its never enough. On the one hand women want the material things, financial stability and security, for their men to be emotionally connected to them ~ with them withoiut being too much of a wuss. Strong yet sesitivie, communicative, but not too much, while totally subugating our own personal wants and needs to the beneifit of everyone and everything else ~ and the cherry on top? Be happy about it!

 

When the man has an affair, whose fault is it 100% ~ the man's!

When the woman has an affair, whose fault is it 100% ~ the man's!

 

Half of the stuff we men are finding out about how to make a marriage ~ relationship work ~ emotional needs, emotional connectiveness, being attuned to our wives emotional needs ~ where did we, were we to learn all of this? Not in school, not in the military, not in the Boy Scouts.

 

If we begin interacting too much like women we get dumped. If we act too much like men, we get dumped! A lot of women want to play the traditional role of stay at home mom's and wives, but don't lower their expectatioins of what sort of lifestyle they want to live.

 

If and when I do get into another relationship, I'm going to find me someone like Lor. No getting married and no shacking up ~ she's got her place and I got mine. We'll get together and have an exclusive ~ but when she's get's PO at me or tired of my being around I'll go to my crib, and she can call me!

[flowerpot]

YES Ladyjane, I have read that on Marriage Builders. And yes I have been enlightened, but I'm afraid, as the old saying goes" to little to late"

I'm sorry that I didn't read it much sooner. I feel I could have avoided this major F*** up In my life. I know I can't change the past, I only hope I can rebuild our future, if I could only be given a 2nd chance,& that she also feels our relationship could ever be repaired. You don't realise what you have untill it's gone.

How can she ever understand what I was going through, as many of our friends & family know ,I had a full plate with the bussiness and many things going on in my life, trying to do the best for our family.

I have many faults,as many of us do,but I could never leave my spouse as she did me. I remember one time when I was going through some pretty tough times and was at the end of my rope. I was sitting on the kitchen floor and began to tell her that I don't know how much more I could take I began to tear up, almost sobbing as I spoke. She thought I was going to leave her & started to cry. I had no intentions of that,and I told her that I could never leave her & the kids & that I love them very much. I explained what was going on in my life, the biz, A Brother in jail for something stoopid,loosing his house,me taking care of his belongins,rental houses, a lawyer for his bankrupsy. Not to mention taking care of our family of 5 & 2 rental houses of our own. I was just streched to thin. Sorry to ramble,but I regret what has happened,and ashamed for what I let happen to my marriage.

I need help!! After helping anyone who ever needed it ,I find a time, I can't even help myself right now.

[Ladyjane14]

You can't beat yourself up about it FP. There are worse things that a guy can do to get himself divorced than 'working for a living'.

 

What's important now is that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off... and move on with your life. No more apologies. You did the best you could, and the divorce is going to be final soon.

 

You've learned alot, and you'll take all that forward with you. You know, I've noticed that guys who experience an unwanted divorce tend to heal faster when they're proactive in their healing. So... get out of the house, meet some new people, and put some ENERGY into revitalizing your life.

 

Keep in touch with your step-kids too. And make it a rule never to ask them about STBXW. The upside to divorce is that it'll drive your EX nuts to observe that you're happy and not eating your heart out over her.

[flowerpot]

Thanks Ladyjane,

I do keep busy, I don't go home much, just to sleep & shower.There are to many memories there anyway.The bad thing is the house is paid for. I've got three acres,pond ,4 br old farfmhouse that we loved,man it really hurts.

Anyway, I have someone that I e-mail and talk on the phone with, thanks to a friend of mine. She is attractive & very intelligent , And was also divorced this year from a cheeting husband. Today was her birthday so I sent her some chocolates, some very fine ones at that! I recieved a phone call from her, she was plesantly surpprised this morning!!!

She wants to wait untill after i'm divorced before we go out!! It's going to be very strange dating again after 15 yrs, 11 married.

I will always love my wife. I just can't imagine not loving her right now, even though what has happened. I hope I don't sound to much like a fool or a wussy.

[Sup]

Thanks Ladyjane,

I do keep busy, I don't go home much, just to sleep & shower.There are to many memories there anyway.The bad thing is the house is paid for. I've got three acres,pond ,4 br old farfmhouse that we loved,man it really hurts.

Anyway, I have someone that I e-mail and talk on the phone with, thanks to a friend of mine. She is attractive & very intelligent , And was also divorced this year from a cheeting husband. Today was her birthday so I sent her some chocolates, some very fine ones at that! I recieved a phone call from her, she was plesantly surpprised this morning!!!

She wants to wait untill after i'm divorced before we go out!! It's going to be very strange dating again after 15 yrs, 11 married.

I will always love my wife. I just can't imagine not loving her right now, even though what has happened. I hope I don't sound to much like a fool or a wussy.

 

That's good you're moving on, Listen MAN, you may be 100% responsible for not doing everything right, but, SHE is 100% responsible for the affair, it's possible that you could've done all those things, and still she may have cheated. There is NO excuse for cheating, EVER! That part is NOT your fault. By the way do you have other children from the marriage? Are you see your lawyer about protecting the home that is paid for so EX-WIFE don't try to come and take it from you?

You could sell the home and buy another home outright from the money of this house. It may help to clear up some of those bad memories, at least you wouldn't have to remember just by looking at the house.

[flowerpot]

That's good you're moving on, Listen MAN, you may be 100% responsible for not doing everything right, but, SHE is 100% responsible for the affair, it's possible that you could've done all those things, and still she may have cheated. There is NO excuse for cheating, EVER! That part is NOT your fault. By the way do you have other children from the marriage? Are you see your lawyer about protecting the home that is paid for so EX-WIFE don't try to come and take it from you?

You could sell the home and buy another home outright from the money of this house. It may help to clear up some of those bad memories, at least you wouldn't have to remember just by looking at the house.

 

Thanks Sup, Yes i'm trying to move on Some days I feel strong others, well,you know! I'm not going to make any decisions on the house untill next spring. I need to let things cool down, I don't want to make any rash moves right now.Everything has been decided concerning property& money.She will recieve the last half of the settlement after the divorce. A contract was signed by my wife, drawn by my lawyer. She will get about a third of what she could have!! Idon't know if she didn't want to burn the bridge completaly down,but she chared it pretty good. I have no kids of my own, but the stepkids & I are pretty close. I told them that nothing will change between us as long as I can help it

[flowerpot]

I recieved a voicemail from my STBXW today. She called aobout some bills that we needed to get taken care of.She also thanked me for the card I had sent her.In that card I wrote a message concerning some of the things that had been going on.

The note I wrotewent like this:

I just wanted to tell you about the kids and how you feel that I have been turning them against you, well thats not the case! I thought you knew me better than that. I understand during this time of our lives things have gotten out of hand. Some things that were said have benn taken the wrong way. I feel really bad about our conversation about ******, and I am very sorry for what was said. I feel like hell, Thats why I hav'nt talked to you for so long.(My stepdaughter told me that she hates my wife for what is going on) I just wish that you two would talk about this and get your relationship put back together.

You know that the kids love you,and so does your mom & dad,and all of the family, yes even mine! I still do too!

I know the divorce will be final soon. I don't want this to happen, but I understand if it is really what you want, and if it brings you happiness, then I will be O.K.with this, no matter haw much it hurts,

Your happiness is all that matters to me.

If your not completaly sure about this, than we should talk about it. I don't want this to be the biggest mistake of our lives.:

I'm not sure if I did the right thing by sending a card, but I had to clear up some of the damage that I caused. I need to try to keep staying on the high ground, if that makes any sense.

Any comments are welcome

THANKS, FP

[Sup]

I would NOT go back in that situation if I were you, once is more than enough. You don't need to go round and round for years and years. Don't waste your life.

[flowerpot]

I would NOT go back in that situation if I were you, once is more than enough. You don't need to go round and round for years and years. Don't waste your life.

 

Iagree Suo,

Once the divorce is final I will be able to move on. But for right now I must be willing to make this as easy as possible for all.

I have done this alone and it has made me a stronger person.

I'm not saying that I will take her back at this point, but Ifeel that if we can work this out, it would be best for us & the family.

I will not go round and round for years & years, I'm getting tired & Ifeel time will heal me with or without her.

Thanks for the advice Sup.

[Gunny376]

Bro!

 

You've fought the gallant fight! You hung tough! You've been there and are there for your SC, you've got your integrity intact! You've done this from a place of honor and integrity! You've done the right thing! You've gave it your best!

 

You've more than have done the right thing!

 

Its time to let it go, its time to walk away. There may be another day, but its time to walk away. You've done all that you can do, and have said all that you can say. Its time to walk away and move on!

 

If you want, give it a year or two. Not because of her, but because of you!

[flowerpot]

Thanks gunny ,

I feel like I have done all I can,but for some reason I can't shake this. I know the advice I have recieved has been a godsend. I feel that there is something I'm missing! Something that could change the outcome of this nightmare I have let happen.

I guess the hardest part was doing this alone,without having a relationship with someone to help me forget about whats going on in my life.

I feel my wife took the easy way out with finding some OM who knows what I didn't do in the relationship and is capitalizing on it.

Any man who would take a married moman with kids & a grandchild can't be right.

It's my birthday and I'm feeling empty for the first time in 15 years .I just got back from dinner with some friends and I am at my stepdaughter's house waiting for the other two kids to come over after a homecoming football game.

I feel very lucky to still have them in my life and are still close to them.

[Sup]

Thanks gunny ,

I feel like I have done all I can,but for some reason I can't shake this. I know the advice I have recieved has been a godsend. I feel that there is something I'm missing! Something that could change the outcome of this nightmare I have let happen.

I guess the hardest part was doing this alone,without having a relationship with someone to help me forget about whats going on in my life.

I feel my wife took the easy way out with finding some OM who knows what I didn't do in the relationship and is capitalizing on it.

Any man who would take a married moman with kids & a grandchild can't be right.

It's my birthday and I'm feeling empty for the first time in 15 years .I just got back from dinner with some friends and I am at my stepdaughter's house waiting for the other two kids to come over after a homecoming football game.

I feel very lucky to still have them in my life and are still close to them.

 

Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :cool:

YOU didn't LET this happen, SHE chose it, don't forget that. Thank God you got friends and family to spend your birthday with, some people don't even have that much. Hang in there.