Separated Soon To Be Divorced

[Gunny376]

Well now that you''ve brought it up?

 

Between all that's been said, or that is to be said tomorrow by the "sharks" (I mean lawyers) the judge, and what's already been discussed, what more is there to be discussed. And, if you know, and I know, and we all know that you might go ballistic if you hear the "Lets be friends" BS, (and that's exacatlly what you're going to hear: "Lets shake hands, and be friends!)

 

Its been sixteen years since I went through this, and although I don't wish the XW and Mother of my Children any ill will nor harm, I don't want anything to do with her, let alone be friends and socalize with her. She's got her place and I've got mine ~ and they're not exactally one and the same. She's my XW, and she's the Mother of my children, and the Grandmother of my GS, but she's no friend of mine.

 

As far as the OM dumping her sometime in the future ~ forget that. He probally will. Or she will him. The divorce rate for first time marriages is 50%, for second time marriages? 62% (Dr. Phil) or even higher, and it goes even higher for third and fourth time marriages. If she shacks up with the guy, only about 20% ever get married, and of the ones that do the divorce rate for people that co-habitat together is 90%.

 

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but people such as your wife and the OM, are the one's that are coming on here at LS or MB looking for answers to the questions, nor soulutions to the problems. They're not the one's going down to Branes and Nobles looking up ____________ for Dummies books, and reading them and then re-reading them over and over again because they don't want to have to go through this pain over again.

 

I used to think that I had pissed away 12 years of my life ~ on a woaman that wouldn't spit on my let alone piss on me should find myself on fire. But, I've come to realized that I had a lot of learning and growing to do ~ that I had a lot of maturing to do.

 

I'm not actively seeking a relationship right now, because there are other things that I've got to work on in my life and get straightened out, and I've come to realize that relationships are something that you do when you're life is as close to perfect as you can get it.

 

Personally, I don't think that even if the DW came back here and now, that it would do a great deal of good, because she's not working the problems that need to be solved, nor seeking the answers that need to be found. She's not doing the hard work that is necessary for two people to pull it altoghter.

 

Granted, you didn't do this and you didn't do that. But, you know what? You did the best you could at the time with the information and the experience that you had.

 

I'm willing to be bet that at the time you never heard of Marriage Builders, emotional needs, maintaining balance. Keeping your priorities straight. You've got the "easy-credit" and consumer-finance people coming at you from day one. They want to get you into debt and keep you there, with you only making the minimum payments each month @ 21% compound interest.

 

I laughed at a guy at work the other day, because he was talking smack about the working poor going to check-cashing and titile loan stores for loans ~ when he just took out a 125% second mortgage. Its the same damn thing! He's just got a mortgage and better credit.

 

It easy to find yourself up in the "swamp".

 

You? Me? We got caught up in the "rat-race" and the rats won!

[flowerpot]

O.K., I had lunch today with my STBXW. Accualy it went far better than expected. I first was telling her about me hiring our daughter to help me do bookwork at the shop & how happy she was to be working for me. My wife agreed that it would help her with her self esteem and would teach her about bussiness practices.

We talked about my wifes classes and how she was doing with her tests.

She asked about my fishing trip that I will be going on tomorow & the Vermont trip following that.

I told her that during our marriage I did what I thought was best and that I schould have put the family first before the bussiness, and that I have learned alot about myself, relationships,and the small things that are so very important in those relationships.

She told me that she now feels that her freedom is helping her grow and that she is feeling better about herself.

As she was looking into my eyes , I smiled at her as I peered into hers and she smiled back with that loving smile that I have missed over time.

I was the one who brought up the comment about needing to be friends because my daughter really misses me at the family functions and still needs me to be a pert of the family. I could see a little redness in her eyes again.

I did mention that I felt bad that I lost her to another man. She just said

"you didn't,but I could have met someone that would have made things alot worse, but I don't want to talk about it" I just said"thats O.K." as I nodded in agreement.

Her cellphone rang, it was her work and she had to leave.

As she was leaving , she smiled as she rubbed my schoulder,looking at me with her beautiful smile I held her hand and told her" I will always love you.

She replied" I love you"

I guess I'm glad I didn't blow her off & decided to make the date.

I supose it was the best way to have some kind of a civil goodby.

Thanks everyone for your kind & not so kind advice. FP

[flowerpot]

O.K., I had lunch today with my STBXW. Accualy it went far better than expected. I first was telling her about me hiring our daughter to help me do bookwork at the shop & how happy she was to be working for me. My wife agreed that it would help her with her self esteem and would teach her about bussiness practices.

We talked about my wifes classes and how she was doing with her tests.

She asked about my fishing trip that I will be going on tomorow & the Vermont trip following that.

I told her that during our marriage I did what I thought was best and that I schould have put the family first before the bussiness, and that I have learned alot about myself, relationships,and the small things that are so very important in those relationships.

She told me that she now feels that her freedom is helping her grow and that she is feeling better about herself.

As she was looking into my eyes , I smiled at her as I peered into hers and she smiled back with that loving smile that I have missed over time.

I was the one who brought up the comment about needing to be friends because my daughter really misses me at the family functions and still needs me to be a pert of the family. I could see a little redness in her eyes again.

I did mention that I felt bad that I lost her to another man. She just said

"you didn't,but I could have met someone that would have made things alot worse, but I don't want to talk about it" I just said"thats O.K." as I nodded in agreement.

Her cellphone rang, it was her work and she had to leave.

As she was leaving , she smiled as she rubbed my schoulder,looking at me with her beautiful smile I held her hand and told her" I will always love you.

She replied" I love you"

I guess I'm glad I didn't blow her off & decided to make the date.

I supose it was the best way to have some kind of a civil goodby.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

I guess I tried to be as kind as possible for the sake of the kids . I know I will be included in her families get togethers.I have to put mt feelings aside. I thought what I did was the best desision at the time. I'm not to good at playing games, I just try to follow my instincs.

I hope I made the right choice.

FP

[flowerpot]

I just got back from a 7 day fishing trip today. My oldest step-daughter stayed at my house while I was gone. The other 2 came over to visit. They talked about how they missed living here and about the good times that we had. I miss them also!

Our divorce became final while I was away.I guess we planned the trip at the right time. But I found myself still thinking about her,as some days the fishing was slow.( I don't think that had anything to do with it)

I know that I must let her go,and let us both heal & grow if there ever can be any future for us!

Her birthday was Friday and I sent her a simple flower in a budvase just as a friendly gesture to wish her a happy birthday.

I don't call her unless she calls first. I don't have much contact with her.

I know that someday we will have to put our feelings aside for the kids & our grandaughter.

I don't know if Im doing the right things or not , Im just trying to do what I feel is best.

[flowerpot]

I just got back from a 7 day fishing trip today. My oldest step-daughter stayed at my house while I was gone. The other 2 came over to visit. They talked about how they missed living here and about the good times that we had. I miss them also!

Our divorce became final while I was away.I guess we planned the trip at the right time. But I found myself still thinking about her,as some days the fishing was slow.( I don't think that had anything to do with it)

I know that I must let her go,and let us both heal & grow if there ever can be any future for us!

Her birthday was Friday and I sent her a simple flower in a budvase just as a friendly gesture to wish her a happy birthday.

I don't call her unless she calls first. I don't have much contact with her.

I know that someday we will have to put our feelings aside for the kids & our grandaughter.

I don't know if Im doing the right things or not , Im just trying to do what I feel is best.

 

Now that the divorce is final I really need some help to somehow put the past behind us & work on a better tomorrow!!!!!!

[Sup]

I wouldn't associate with that woman if were you, just leave her alone! What happened to the other lady you were telling us about?

[flowerpot]

I wouldn't associate with that woman if were you, just leave her alone! What happened to the other lady you were telling us about?

 

Sup,

About the other lady tou asked about?

I just got back from a fishing trip and tried to call her . She keeps pretty busy, she was just divorced this spring. I don't want to be to pushy or act to needy, so I will just let it go at her pace. She gave me her phone# so I guess she is some what interested. I really don't know how to handle this it's been so long since I had to go through this.

They say it's like riding a bike, you never forget. I guess this past 6 months have taken it's toll on my self esteem & confidence. I just feel kind of lost.

Also I'm trying to not associate with my X, but rejection is hard to take.

I need to be stronger,my stepkids need me to be also. They don't really appreciate what their mom has done either.

Thanks FP

[Gunny376]

Its really just as simple as making your mind up to do that whichi is necessary. And get it into your deluxe super conductor brain housing group that just because you've been rejected doen't make you a bad person, an evil person, a weak minded person, really anything other than a person.

 

You did the best that you could at the time, with the knowledge and experience that you had at the time. Willie Nelson is on his fourth marriage, and yet he will tell you that he wasn't the same person that he was, nor the same individual, that he learned with each successive wife a divorce, and that he's a better person today, and a better husband today

than he was with his first wife. His fourth and current wife is reaping the benefits from his three previous failures.

 

You? You're way ahead of the power curve, because you've identified you weakness, and are striving to adapt and overcome them. Your "failure" has made you stronger and not weaker.

 

I'm not even in a relationship (by choice) and I'm already working on my next one, by coming here and to other websites, and taking my azz to the library and reading, learning, growing, adpating and overcoming.

 

As far as the XW goes, you can believe your not the first and last thing on her mind each day ~ so why should she be yours. As hard as it is and as hard as its going to be, you've got to get through you thick skull that its over. Its was over yesterday, it was over today, and its going to be over tomorrow, and probally will be over for the rest of your life. With the XW you're out of gas, and its time to do that which you've got to do to get from where you are to where you're going. And, where you're at is the equivalent of being on the side of I-10 in Arizona. You can stay where at and become vulture bait, or you can start working on that which you need / have to be working on to get to where you need to be. You're the one that's got to do the work ~ no one else. Noone else can do the work for you. Just that plain and just that simple.

 

If crying couldn't make her stay ~ it sure as Hell won't make her come back. When its over ~ its over. And, that's just the way it is. You're a good man FP, with a lot of good things going for you ~ and with a lot of good love to give. What one woman abuses, another could certainly use!

[Sup]

Sup,

About the other lady tou asked about?

I just got back from a fishing trip and tried to call her . She keeps pretty busy, she was just divorced this spring. I don't want to be to pushy or act to needy, so I will just let it go at her pace. She gave me her phone# so I guess she is some what interested. I really don't know how to handle this it's been so long since I had to go through this.

They say it's like riding a bike, you never forget. I guess this past 6 months have taken it's toll on my self esteem & confidence. I just feel kind of lost.

Also I'm trying to not associate with my X, but rejection is hard to take.

I need to be stronger,my stepkids need me to be also. They don't really appreciate what their mom has done either.

Thanks FP

 

The LONGER you stay away, the easier it gets! This goes for also a verbly abusive parent. Trust me on this.

[flowerpot]

The LONGER you stay away, the easier it gets! This goes for also a verbly abusive parent. Trust me on this.

 

Thanks Sup,

I do believe this is true.

I just hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder does'nt play a part in this.

[anna13]

I am sorry to read what you are going through . Your wife was lucky to have you , after all that you still want to reconsiliate. my husband left me with 2 kids says he needs space to do his hobbies. I never did anything bad other then maybe vent too much about my stresses about my teen . he couldnt handle it and left and got his own place , now he has me in a limbo he doesnt want a divorce but he doesnt want to live with me and the kids. also he doesnt want me to call him so much right now . he tells me he will call me when he calls and not to push him ... just to think how much i wish my husband had the compasion you have for your wife. you deserve better, but i am all for saving a marriage that can be saved. there is always a chance but I am telling you that you deserve better.

[flowerpot]

I am sorry to read what you are going through . Your wife was lucky to have you , after all that you still want to reconsiliate. my husband left me with 2 kids says he needs space to do his hobbies. I never did anything bad other then maybe vent too much about my stresses about my teen . he couldnt handle it and left and got his own place , now he has me in a limbo he doesnt want a divorce but he doesnt want to live with me and the kids. also he doesnt want me to call him so much right now . he tells me he will call me when he calls and not to push him ... just to think how much i wish my husband had the compasion you have for your wife. you deserve better, but i am all for saving a marriage that can be saved. there is always a chance but I am telling you that you deserve better.

 

Thanks Anna,

We were lucky to have each other, but somehow we grew apart.

I only wish that some day with the knowlege that I have today we will have another chance. Much damage has been done so I don't know anymore. I just need to focus on healing right now. And I pray alot.

Thanks for your kind words.

FP

[Sup]

Well, just think that she can't hurt you ANYMORE as long as you stay away from her, that's a BIG plus right there. I know you still remember what she did, I know you don't want to go back into that again........

[flowerpot]

Well, just think that she can't hurt you ANYMORE as long as you stay away from her, that's a BIG plus right there. I know you still remember what she did, I know you don't want to go back into that again........

 

Sup, you are very right! I don't want to go back to that & I don't want her to have to come back to the way things were before the s888 hit the fan

[Lor]

Sup, you are very right! I don't want to go back to that & I don't want her to have to come back to the way things were before the s888 hit the fan

 

FP, this is where you have to stop. Read again what you just wrote:

 

I don't want her to have to come back to the way things were before the s888 hit the fan

 

You are divorced, hon. As of right now and probably never--she's not coming back. you can't keep holding on to the idea if OM throws her to the curb that she's gonna come back to you. Something from your statement about your lunch makes me think that OM is timing and not the complete reason for her leaving.

 

It is over. I really really hate to sound harsh to you. It is over. Let her go.

[flowerpot]

Lor, I'm not divorced yet. The lawyer messed up & fogot to have me sign some part of the contract.But I do understand your point of view about her not coming back. Tha OM was just timing,thats what the marriage counselor said. The same thing happened in her marriage.

She happened to call me to see how I was doing the other day. I have not talked to her in 9 weeks. She asked if my wife had come to her senses yet.She thinks that possibly some day she will. Then she may come back,but by then it could be to late,and for me not to count on her returnig after this relationship with the OM ends, and some day it will end.

I know I must forget her but 15yrs is not easy to erase. Lor thanks for being honest & straight forward with me, sometimes we Hoosiers need a swift kick in the rear now & then.

Thanks again, FP

[Sup]

How long on the delay for your Divorce? Even if she comes crawling (literaly) on her hands and knees, you need to just send her away, no crying, nothing. No matter how sad or how much of a basket case she is/could be. Just time to move on...........

[flowerpot]

How long on the delay for your Divorce? Even if she comes crawling (literaly) on her hands and knees, you need to just send her away, no crying, nothing. No matter how sad or how much of a basket case she is/could be. Just time to move on...........

 

Man Sup, thats pretty cold, but in all reality you make a valid point.

You have read , I take on what she has put me through. And I understand, I only hope that someday I can return her the favor that she has bestowed upon me.

I'm usually not that that typ of person but I have had a good teacher to make me feel this way( My wife ). The divorce will be finale as soon as I get to the lawyers office and sign the contract part of the D, After that maybe just a couple of days.

I know I don't deserve this but it is what it is.EXTORTION at the hands of a confused & proud woman. It's really a shame!!!!!

Sup you are cut & dry, I appreciate your candid advice, The pieces are starting to fall in place. I hope I have the fortitude to make the right choices.

Thanks again, FP

[Gunny376]

The thing is FP, you took her and her children in, worked like a Hebrew Slave to provide a good life for her and her children, treated her children as though they were your own (still do), put clothes on their back, food in thier mouths, a roof over their heads, etc. and her thanks for that is to run off with another man?

 

Granted, there's more to women and to being married than just the above. (We've already discussed that in depth) but with a wife like that, who needs enemies?

 

What's wrong with coming out like a4a and spelling out to you what it is that you're wanting, needing, as a woman, as a wife.

 

As I've always said, if you can't tell me the difference between the way it is, and the way it ought to be 99% of what's coming out of your mouth is just "bitchin'

[flowerpot]

The thing is FP, you took her and her children in, worked like a Hebrew Slave to provide a good life for her and her children, treated her children as though they were your own (still do), put clothes on their back, food in thier mouths, a roof over their heads, etc. and her thanks for that is to run off with another man?

 

Granted, there's more to women and to being married than just the above. (We've already discussed that in depth) but with a wife like that, who needs enemies?

coming out like a4a and spelling out to you what it is that you're wanting, needing, as a woman, as a wife.

What's wrong with

 

As I've always said, if you can't tell me the difference between the way it is, and the way it ought to be 99% of what's coming out of your mouth is just "bitchin'

 

Gunny ,Ill tell you. The kids were here for awile tonight. I just got back from Vermont on a hiking trip in the moutains & long trail. Man, Vermont is beautiful. This will be a yearly vacation. I showed the kids some pictures & told them about it, they are very interested in going next summer with my cousin & other friends.

I will look forward to it!!!

As for what I have done for the kids, I have no regretes. I don't have any of my own, these are THE KIDS, I will treat them as my own. My oldest told me onetime not to long ago, that our dad is not here anymore & that I have always been there for them. I will always be her dad,she told me.

The other 2 & I have grown much closer these days. They want nothing more than for our family to be together again, I have no answers for them, I just tell them " No matter what happens I will always be there for them & they know it!!

 

Your abseluty right on what has been dicussed in depth. You have definatally made me aware of those.( thank you)!!

Ther is nothing wrong with a wife spelling out what it is that they are wanting & needing as a woman & a wife . If that would have happened I wouldn't be here on LS spilling my guts out,trying to make sense out of all

of this.

I just know I didn't deserve this ,& neither did the rest of the family.

Thanks gunny you have made some sense out of a sensless situation.

Best to all, FP

[Gunny376]

Not to re-hash another thread, but I've spent years beating myself up over my divorce. I'm a good man, a good person, and I try my best to do that which is right. I always strive to just do the right thing.

 

The thing that tripped me up about marriage, was that I was raised by my grand parents, people that raised 7+ children through the Great Depression. That sent their sons off to fight WWII and the Korean War.

 

Back then it was enough that the man went to work everyday, didn't cheat, didn't run around, didn't gamble, didn't drink, put a roof over his wife's and children's head, food in their mouths, clothes on their back. That came home every night. Didn't beat their wives. Went to church on Sunday's

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just and old dinosauer, that should have died out long ago.

 

Now days, you've got to be all the above, and be senseitvie, and caring, and nurturing. You've got to be in touch with your "feminine" side (I'm not so sure I've got one?) And, then when you get in touch with your feminine side ~ you get bomb-basted for being too much of a wuss?

 

Nowdays, you've got to be clarivoant, and read minds, and understaind your wife's "emotional needs" without her saying a word. And, the first time that she's un-happy she hits the exit and the chute.

[Sup]

Man Sup, thats pretty cold, but in all reality you make a valid point.

You have read , I take on what she has put me through. And I understand, I only hope that someday I can return her the favor that she has bestowed upon me.

I'm usually not that that typ of person but I have had a good teacher to make me feel this way( My wife ). The divorce will be finale as soon as I get to the lawyers office and sign the contract part of the D, After that maybe just a couple of days.

I know I don't deserve this but it is what it is.EXTORTION at the hands of a confused & proud woman. It's really a shame!!!!!

Sup you are cut & dry, I appreciate your candid advice, The pieces are starting to fall in place. I hope I have the fortitude to make the right choices.

Thanks again, FP

 

What SHE did was COLDER! This may be refered to as TOUGH Love. But, you do need to move on, get into a good church, take up hobbies, etc. More or less, take back your life, is what it means. I'm sure you'll agree.

Oh, make sure that during this delay, that you watch your back still, you EX, may also know about the Divorce not being final yet because of this, You've seen in horror movies where you think the killer is dead, but tries one last time to kill ya kind of thing, then finally dies. I know, gruesome, but hey, it does happen in reality, just in different ways. Point is, just take care of yourself right now.

[Sup]

You mentioned Extortion, why? How as?

[Sup]

Sup you are cut & dry, FP

 

Flattery will get you everywhere! LOL! Just kidding though! Sorry, but I just couldn't resist that one!

[Lor]

oh boy, Gunny, here we go again.....

 

Now days, you've got to be all the above, and be senseitvie, and caring, and nurturing. You've got to be in touch with your "feminine" side (I'm not so sure I've got one?) And, then when you get in touch with your feminine side ~ you get bomb-basted for being too much of a wuss?

 

Personally, I don't really want a man who's in touch with his "feminine" side. Usually it means he dresses better than I do (oh, like that's hard ) and might try on my undies. but the caring, sensitive and nurturing....sure! A man should never be afraid to hold hands in public or watch chic-flicks.

 

Nowdays, you've got to be clarivoant, and read minds, and understaind your wife's "emotional needs" without her saying a word. And, the first time that she's un-happy she hits the exit and the chute.

 

I have to disagree here.......a person should never have to read their SO's mind. Everything should be laid out on the table 100%, all the time, so there is never any doubt as to how they feel or what they want. That is the big problem with M these days--lack of communication. And besides, instead of waiting for the words to come, we should each look at the actions that are given! You wonder if she's happy? Is she slamming the dishes down or is she humming and setting them down softly? The sensitive side would take the dishes away and, depending on what they saw, either a) kiss on the cheek, ask what's wrong, and tell her to go sit down--you'll do it or b) take her in your arms and start dancing to whatever she's humming.....

 

FP, 15 years is a long time and you should never try to erase it. I knew my X for 11 years and although I regret what happened to make us where we are today, I'll never regret those years. There were a lot of great things that happened thru them so why do you want to throw that away?

 

After reading, I'd thought your D was done.... Its good that you can talk to her and try to keep things friendly, but you do need to quit living in the hopes that one day she'll snap out of it and come back. I don't recommend dating--you're no where near ready--but you do need to start living a life without her and moving on. Its hard, I know, but you need to wake up to the reality that your M is over. Is there a chance later? Maybe but don't count on it. If it happens, then its a nice surprise. But the reality as it stands right now is your W is no longer your W and you will soon be a single man again. Don't waste the rest of your life wanting and waiting for something that may never happen.

 

....you are such a wonderful guy and we all hate the pain you're still going thru.....but its time to let go now.