Getting your MM caught

[newbby]

hmmm well that analogy is overused, and to be honest a little bit simplistic...obviously usually the decision is self destructive, sometimes it is blind too, in that the person is in such a state as to be blind to the self destruction. of course it is clear to the bystander, and i think we can agree, most things are...

so of course whilst in a clear sighted frame of mind, walking in front of a train wreck is the last thing you would do....obviously the women doing it are not in that frame of mind. does it mean they are a lesser person? in whose opinion? you see??

[lovelorcet]

does it mean they are a lesser person? in whose opinion? you see??

 

A lesser person, no, of course not. Person who has made a very bad choice... yes indeed.

 

BTW I do find your perspective very interesting newbby, thanks...

[newbby]

thankyou L,

i dont think many ow can really say they made a good choice, however, there is something to be said for seeing the positives of a situation, so long as you are doing it honestly. the trouble is, that most of the time when ow is in denial she will convince herself that there are positives that arent real..

usually seeing these things happens in retrospect, but alot of the time they happen during the a too.

[PoshPrincess]

In the same way, she probably doesn't understand how you can still want him when (as far as she is concerned, probably from what he said to her) she is the one he chose to stay with? She probably sees it as you being happy to settle for 'crumbs' and she doesn't know how you can do it.

 

I suspect (when each party doesn't 'get' why the other one doesn't leave) it's largely down to the man and the lies he is spinning to each of them.

 

You're not wrong there Mascara. I know he told W that him and me were over, that I meant nothing, etc because he told me that. She doesn't know too much about how and where we met and thinks that I am still with the 'wealthy' father of my son living the life of luxury. She told him that 'posh birds like me' like a bit of scum now and again (I'm not Posh by the way but he obviously made out I was, although after speaking to her I can see why he thinks I am) . He also told her I'm a fat minger so I'm not under too many illusions. She had an affair years ago so maybe she thinks she's got her just desserts. Do I think him having an affair is tit-for-tat? Maybe. So, in the main I know what lies he's been spinning her. I just don't know about the ones he's told me.

[Ladyjane14]

....I would try to re-focus on the pain our situation inflicted on her and helped him work through his anger. Usually, it led up to some soulfilled convo between the two of them... probably how it led up to his going home in the first place.

 

Your presence in the marriage is probably making it more tolerable for the MM to stay in it, btw. A truly miserable guy is more likely to leave. One who's able to "crutch" on an OW... is getting his ENs met by two women.

 

Your best bet it to establish NC, and let the marriage sink or swim on it's own merits. You might want to read some posts from Old Europe or SamiD. You could spend YEARS actually enabling this guy to stay married to his wife.

 

When push comes to shove, MM don't respond to "getting caught" or not "getting caught". They respond to having their ENs met or denied. If he can get them met more fully by utilizing the services of TWO women, and if he's lacking in conscience.... that's EXACTLY what he's going to do.

[pricillia]

this whole post...

 

I think that the MM would not spend this much time debating with his pals about this subject.

 

 

There are many reasons why men cheat and for each MM I am sure each individual reason is different

 

But reguardless we are just a side thing for the most part

Girls who post here that boast about what to do to get MM caught

why... so they can win him and then be the ones that are cheated on.

I think that it would be time for you to make a choice if you want to contunue to be the mistress/whore(sorry for being so direct)

 

or you can be strong and let go and be self respecting and try to have a healthy relationship with someone that does not cheat.

[Guest]

Your presence in the marriage is probably making it more tolerable for the MM to stay in it, btw. A truly miserable guy is more likely to leave. One who's able to "crutch" on an OW... is getting his ENs met by two women.

 

Your best bet it to establish NC, and let the marriage sink or swim on it's own merits. You might want to read some posts from Old Europe or SamiD. You could spend YEARS actually enabling this guy to stay married to his wife.

 

When push comes to shove, MM don't respond to "getting caught" or not "getting caught". They respond to having their ENs met or denied. If he can get them met more fully by utilizing the services of TWO women, and if he's lacking in conscience.... that's EXACTLY what he's going to do.

 

You misunderstood me, LJ. The situation I was referring to was when he LEFT her to be with me (we were living together) and they had many arguments about all kind of things that left him angry and hurt. We would work through that as it was vitally important to me that there is a good relationship between them so that they can effectively co-parent. In his anger, he's called her some derogatory names. All I meant was that if BSs think that their MMs only trash OWs, they need to rethink that and understand that likely the MM has trashed them too.

 

I am no longer the OW.

 

As it stands, my MM and his W decided mutually that the M will not work out and he and I will remain very good friends until the dust settles. If we still want to be together then we will be together.

 

I know its hard to believe that some men will leave the M, but it happens every so often. What a shock!! The difference between my MM and most is that he left for himself and not for me. At least that's not the reason this time. Does it make me proud? I'm proud of him for leaving a marriage that isn't working for him where there is an unknown... he doesn't know if I'll be available for him as I don't want to put my life on hold either.

 

Am I proud of how we handled things in the past? I'm chargrined to say that I feel a lot of shame in the situation. He does too. With that said, I cannot change my past, but I have control of how I can deal with the our obstacles as they come and I can make a better future for myself. I have control over my own future.

[Ladyjane14]

You misunderstood me, LJ. The situation I was referring to was when he LEFT her to be with me (we were living together) and they had many arguments about all kind of things that left him angry and hurt. We would work through that as it was vitally important to me that there is a good relationship between them so that they can effectively co-parent. In his anger, he's called her some derogatory names. All I meant was that if BSs think that their MMs only trash OWs, they need to rethink that and understand that likely the MM has trashed them too.

 

I am no longer the OW.

 

As it stands, my MM and his W decided mutually that the M will not work out and he and I will remain very good friends until the dust settles. If we still want to be together then we will be together.

 

I know its hard to believe that some men will leave the M, but it happens every so often. What a shock!! The difference between my MM and most is that he left for himself and not for me. At least that's not the reason this time. Does it make me proud? I'm proud of him for leaving a marriage that isn't working for him where there is an unknown... he doesn't know if I'll be available for him as I don't want to put my life on hold either.

 

Am I proud of how we handled things in the past? I'm chargrined to say that I feel a lot of shame in the situation. He does too. With that said, I cannot change my past, but I have control of how I can deal with the our obstacles as they come and I can make a better future for myself. I have control over my own future.

 

I see... I had the impression that your status was still OW.

 

Not to take the thread too far off-topic, but I'm not sure you can really get the genie back into the bottle on the "friendship" thing. You're still fulfilling an EN for companionship and conversation.

 

If I were to give you any advice, I'd say sever the connection completely until the MM is free and clear. That way you will have put some time distance between the illicit relationship and any possible future one. You don't want to get sucked into bearing responsibility for the demise of the marriage on ANY count. It'll bite you on the butt the first time you hit a rough patch.

 

Affair-borne marriages genererally have a poor survival rate. So, if you're entertaining thoughts of a future together at some later date, best to start fresh, and maybe even to address some of the challenges in couples counseling before you commit.

[Guest]

I see... I had the impression that your status was still OW.

 

Not to take the thread too far off-topic, but I'm not sure you can really get the genie back into the bottle on the "friendship" thing. You're still fulfilling an EN for companionship and conversation.

 

If I were to give you any advice, I'd say sever the connection completely until the MM is free and clear. That way you will have put some time distance between the illicit relationship and any possible future one. You don't want to get sucked into bearing responsibility for the demise of the marriage on ANY count. It'll bite you on the butt the first time you hit a rough patch.

 

Affair-borne marriages genererally have a poor survival rate. So, if you're entertaining thoughts of a future together at some later date, best to start fresh, and maybe even to address some of the challenges in couples counseling before you commit.

 

No worries LJ

He's free and clear. The M is over, the separation process has begun and divorce is pending. There are kids involved so things are moving real sloooooooooow for us. We do this for their sake as their happiness means the world to both of us.

 

Per the friendship, it is one of deep love for one another, the knowledge that we care for each other intensely and that we have the will and desire to be together.

 

I am and will only be the only woman in his life. He will be the only man in my life. For as long as we both want. Right now, we both want to be there for each other for the rest of our lives. Neither of us are looking to remarry... its a status niether of us really care for.

 

Know how he ended up back in my life... my hard stance on NC which he broke every so often and keeping my distance. I've read OE and Sami's posts. They are wise.

 

Back to topic... These coniving women are really going about their relationship the wrong way. They say they are happy, if they are, why do they need to think of ways to get the MM caught when they want them to be theirs? Why would they need to go the route of deception? Its because deep down, they know they don't have a leg to stand on in the relationship. If it they are in control of the relationship and know that the MM would leave the wife at their beconing, they wouldn't have to conive such dispicable plans. If they were truly happy with the situation, they wouldn't even think that far ahead. Just calling it like I see it.

[Guest]

Well until I read this thread I had no idea where Jerry Springer got his guests from!! The amount of psychological manipulation that some of you are prepared to undertake simply to allow 'love' to take its course is quite eye watering.

 

I would be very interested to see, in a few years time, how much human misery has been caused by these actions. If there is one recurrent theme on this website it is that relationships founded on lies (ie affairs) are EXTREMELY unlikely to be successful in the long run.

[Guest]

Well, someone sent me information from a Private Investigator. I believe it was a 'friend' who may have seen something but didn't want to come out and tell me face to face. I didn't hire the detective but I did take the advice. It took a little work but I found out he was cheating with a woman he met at work. I followed him after work everyday for three weeks, it took a lot of courage not to blow up when I first saw them together. They did not meet everyday and I was just about to give up, but in the end I found the truth.

 

Not giving anyone any ideas but this one worked for me. And whoever sent me the information I am thankful to them because I was being made a fool. In the end I found out that he was cheating for the last five years with several women, but he was so very careful. I didn't have a clue until the PI information about infidelity came in the mail.

 

In the end they all get caught!

[BUTAFLY]

Well until I read this thread I had no idea where Jerry Springer got his guests from!! The amount of psychological manipulation that some of you are prepared to undertake simply to allow 'love' to take its course is quite eye watering.

 

I would be very interested to see, in a few years time, how much human misery has been caused by these actions. If there is one recurrent theme on this website it is that relationships founded on lies (ie affairs) are EXTREMELY unlikely to be successful in the long run.

 

Well...maybe only in my case. I read of too many stories(only know of one in my personal life, but that ended in D 10yrs & 2kids later)were the relationship does work. But in my EX's case I hope your right so I can look him in the face and say, " Agghh...Who would've thought your born-again, stripper, mistress wouldn't make a good wife."

 

Disclaimer: I know that sounds judgemental but I couldn't resist. I'm sure she is a sweetheart who is just trying to support her kids.

[MrsHellFire]

I'm not trying to start a fight here.....but here is my pov:

I'm a bs, so it may be a bit one sided, but how in the heck do you make yourself happy when ws is spinning lies to both you and his wife? Are you trying to justify yourself with this posting because deep down you know what you are doing is hurting other people? Geez look in a mirror and see what you really are and accept and change it if need be. My h tells me all the time how much he regrets what he did regarding the ow. And calls her some ah...very uncomplimentary names.

 

 

And you condone this behavior? What does that make him? Does it make him feel better trying to blame the OW?? He needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

[whichwayisup]

And you condone this behavior? What does that make him? Does it make him feel better trying to blame the OW?? He needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

 

Huh? What part of the below quote shows that he hasn't taken responsibility for his actions? Because he called the OW afew bad names? Do you know justice's full story? Obviously not...

 

My h tells me all the time how much he regrets what he did regarding the ow

[MrsHellFire]

Huh? What part of the below quote shows that he hasn't taken responsibility for his actions? Because he called the OW afew bad names? Do you know justice's full story? Obviously not...

 

 

Of course I read that. I find it funny that Justice actually buys that garbage.

 

I still find it sickening because he was probably dogging J as well when he was cheating on her. She acts like his talking badly against other women somehow validates her and their relationship. Like I said, he needs to grow up and take responsibility rather than bitching out an ow as if it was soley her fault.

 

I'm sorry, but I can only comment on what information is provided on a thread. If you don't want it to be judged or taken out of context, then explain yourself fully or not at all.

[whichwayisup]

What's the difference with an OW complaining here, getting mad and venting about their MM by posting and her hubby venting to her about OW?

 

Sorry, it takes two to tango and yes, the MM is the one who cheated, but the OW was part of the picture...She isn't an innocent bystander, she knew full well going in that he was married, and took part in having a relationship with him anyway.

[MrsHellFire]

What's the difference with an OW complaining here, getting mad and venting about their MM by posting and her hubby venting to her about OW?

 

 

 

Because it was her hubby who was likely venting to the OW about HER (the wife) as well.

And no matter what, these men get away with murder because women allow it from both ends.

Scott Peterson cheated on his wife twice before he killed her. It shows what lack of feelings and empathy a man has when he cheats on someone. And the majority of these posts only corroborate the fact that for the most part, these men do indeed lack much empathy. All they care about is themselves and what a divorce will do to them. Wives who cheat are more emotional and actually regret. Many of these men don't. I'm sick of women supporting their mens mistakes and not letting them take responsibility like an adult. There are consequences with each action we make and for some reason, women allow men to be immune to that. Don't baby them like their mother did! THEY WONT LEARN ANYTHING!

[silktricks]

Wives who cheat are more emotional and actually regret.

 

Are you for real? Lumping all women into oh so good, and all men into jerks is just plain silly. Some men who cheat fully take responsibility for their actions and deeply regret what they did. Some women are unregretful b*tches. There are no blacks and whites, just many many shades of gray.

[newbby]

Scott Peterson cheated on his wife twice before he killed her. It shows what lack of feelings and empathy a man has when he cheats on someone.

 

it shows what lack of empathy one man had who cheated on his wife. thats all. you cant prove the mentality of everyone who cheats on a single example.

[MrsHellFire]

it shows what lack of empathy one man had who cheated on his wife. thats all. you cant prove the mentality of everyone who cheats on a single example.

 

 

Read some of the posts on here and you will see that very few men actually are remorseful. That was just one example.

 

A larger majority of women on here seem to be more remorseful and upset about what they have done than the men.

 

"Some men who cheat fully take responsibility for their actions and deeply regret what they did. "

 

HA!!! 5-10%??? Please. Hardly something to brag about.

 

Oh.. you mean after 5-10 years of cheating, they fake guilt AFTER they get caught to keep their doormat?.. yeah, that is really meaningful.. not!

[newbby]

you sound really angry. i dont know your story, but i guess you have had personal experience with a mm?

[moon17]

Thank you!

Finally, someone who actually gave a direct answer to the original question.

[RecordProducer]

voila! the marriage is over and he's yours. That's what I'm gonna do when I'm ready for fulltime.

I knew this hasn't been proved to work yet.

 

I wonder how my husband would react if he got an anonymous letter saying I cheated on him.

 

No proofs, nothing. I am not suspicious to him (cuz I'm not doing anything). He would ask, I would say it's a setup and total BS. All arguments are on my side. I don't know if he would become cautious (I don't think he would give any significance to the letter), but he definitely wouldn't divorce me over a mean, anonymous letter.

 

Plus if the husband is having an affair and not divorcing for the woman he loves, why would he divorce his allegedly cheating wife over a stupid letter?

 

Or, Saf, did you think that your MM would tell his wife: "Oh, honey, you're having an affair Me, too!" And that's how he admits his affair..

[Guest]

I knew this hasn't been proved to work yet.

 

I wonder how my husband would react if he got an anonymous letter saying I cheated on him.

 

No proofs, nothing. I am not suspicious to him (cuz I'm not doing anything). He would ask, I would say it's a setup and total BS. All arguments are on my side. I don't know if he would become cautious (I don't think he would give any significance to the letter), but he definitely wouldn't divorce me over a mean, anonymous letter.

 

Plus if the husband is having an affair and not divorcing for the woman he loves, why would he divorce his allegedly cheating wife over a stupid letter?

 

Or, Saf, did you think that your MM would tell his wife: "Oh, honey, you're having an affair Me, too!" And that's how he admits his affair..

 

WHAT EXACTLY would be the purpose of said letter? There has to be reason behind it. Nobody would go that far for nothing! Which would ultimately, if anything, make you question whether HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR and the letter came from HIS mistress, therefore ending your marriage. Unless you give him a second or third chance.

[Guest]

I am sorry if I am responding under the last post, but I would like to refer to the first one. I am in a relationship with a man who I believe fits your profile. After his wife (of 17 years) left him, he had an affair for over 6 years and that woman refused to leave her husband to be with him, he met me (stupid I sound, but I did not know at that time), he strongly convinced me to leave my husband to be with him. Our relationship is not so good, we are not married nor otherwise connected, and he still wants to hold on to it. I believe that your observation is correct. Some men cannot be alone and they will hold on to anything except being alone.

 

I am a strong-headed woman who has other options, but I love the bastard, so I am still with him, but I do get your point. He is higly professional guy, he could do much better than figthing with me, but he does nothing in this direction. Sure love is the issue, but when things go wrong they really do, then why men stay attached?