Mother In Law- Am I just too sensitive?

[elizabethj]

I have been married for two years now and I am confused by my mother in law at times. They live on the west coast, and we live on the east coast. Since we have been married, we have seen them a couple of times a year, but now that we have had a baby (in January), we will be seeing them probably 3-4 times a year. My husband calls them every couple of weeks.

 

For my inlaws birthdays I have always sent them cards with a thoughtful message (not just a signature).I do the same for Mother's/Father's day as well as Christmas (along with a nice (100$ + gift- for Christmas, that is.) I am the one who writes and sends the cards (and gifts), but I sign both my husband and my names (and now our daughter's).

 

This past mother's and father's day, I sent them cards along with personal gifts that I had picked out for each of them because I wanted to honor them for their first Mother's/father's day as grandparents (this is their first grandchild). I wrapped them up in nice gift wrap as well- didn't just ship a box with the gifts unwrapped.

 

My inlaws never say anything about the cards I have given for all these occasions, and the same thing occured with the mother's and father's day gifts this year. They do say thank you when they recieve the gifts at Christmas (in person).

 

However, the Christmas after we were married (we were married in August), one of the several gifts we gave to them that year were pictures from our wedding (approximately 25-50 family shots that cost around $300 total. MIL law knew the photographer prices at the time of the wedding and balked, and said she wasn't going to but ANY of the pictures-even though you could buy individual shots for 6$- because they were too expensive (they could easily afford them but chose not to buy them). Therefore, they would have no pictures from the wedding, which is why i thought this would be a good gift for them). When she opened that gift (the pictures), she remarked that she had been wondering when she would get the pictures, and that she was happy that she 'finally' got them!

 

Both my inlaws are very nice to me otherwise, although a passive-aggressive comment or two has come up on occasion from my MIL. I haven't mentioned to my husband about the cards/gifts (that his parents don't say anything about them, that is. I show my husband the stuff I send before I send it), because I wonder if I am being too sensitive about the inlaws not saying anything. I feel guilty because I feel like my wanting some sort of acknowledgement from them is not the point of sending the card or gift- you send these things without the expectation of being thanked, right?

 

Another thing I am wondering about- my MIL sent a solicitation for a donation to us from an organization/charity that she runs. It basically helps fund college for native americans, which is desparately needed. This was the first year she sent a solicitation to us (she has been running this organization since my husband was a little boy) and she wrote on the solicitation 'please be generous, this is your family", and proceeded to list approximately 20 family members names who are in college. I found that kind of odd, to all of a sudden ask us for a generous contribution? Don't mind giving money at all, but was a little taken aback by the suggestion that we be generous. I sent her a sizeable check in the beginning of July and it hasn't even been cashed yet.

 

My question is this- am I being a jerk about all of this? Should I expect some sort of acknowledgement, even if it is a card (BTW, I always acknowledge and thank them when they send me something)? Should I even bother to send cards anymore? Another question- do inlaws usually say something when it is their child's wedding anniversary? They were here on our first wedding anniversary (they planned to come visit/stay with us the week of our first anniversary, so of course they said something). This year, they said nothing, not even when my husband called them the day after our anniversary. My Mom on the other hand, wished us a happy anniversary. I am wondering if it just that my family acknowledges things maybe too much and that is why I am confused!

 

Thanks for listening and any input!

[trunk]

What can I say about in-laws that hasn't been said by almost every daughter in law or son in law already. I'm not married but you can see the signs beginning as soon as you meet them. It's not about right or wrong with in-laws it's about them being right, pride and you working out how to keep the peace without losing your hair over it. Even if a grand jury said you were doing the right thing you can't win in these sorts of situations.

 

They must maintain control. There is pride at stake here. They probably don't want to lose face either. The best thing you have going for you is that you live on opposite sides of the country.

 

The "be generous" thing is obviously the oldest trick in the book - the good old guilt trip. You either play the game or you get called an ungrateful, selfish.... Personally I go with being called whatever but that's just because I've had it up to yin yang with emotional manipulation. Whatever you do though - good luck!

[quankanne]

some folks understand that relationships are two-way streets, while others just don't give a damn, so long as the other party pays them homage. It sounds like your in-laws fall under the latter category.

 

my thought is to not kill yourself over trying to make this work. Yes, continue to send shots of the family and birthday cards, but don't make yourself miserable for not doing more – if it's not important to them, then it's not important to you. In the meantime, find your happiness in the relationship your mom has with your husband and your child ... you might get lucky and your in-laws will figure things out, then try harder at communicating with y'all.

[bab]

It is a bit rude that they don't say anything about what you send. On the other hand, you have joined a new family, and it's quite possible they have just have a different attitude about gifts and holidays. My family and I are very non-gift, non-card oriented people. I send a card with a check to my neices and nephews on their birthdays and at Christmas. That's pretty much it. My sister, her husband, my brother, myself and my H don't exchange gifts/cards at birthdays, Christmas, or anniversaries. I get my parents Christmas gifts, and they send money. Maybe your H's family is more like mine.

 

My H's parents are the opposite. Even when we were first dating I got expensive gifts from them for Christmas and my birthday. It actually made me feel slightly uncomfortable that they were spending more money on me than my own parents. Since then I've realized that it is something they enjoy doing, and they have really great taste. I've gotten into the "holiday" spirit with them and now have a blast looking for things for them as well. As silly as it may seem to those for which the big gift/card exchange is second nature, for some of us, it just isn't, so don't take it to personally. Regardless, it is just plain rude to not offer a thank-you, but it probably doesn't occur to them.

[Guest]

As I agree with the previous poster, that all families are not the same. We also don't do the card/gift thing for any other holiday then Christmas. But still not even to thank someone is very rude. Your obviously not looking for gifts here, just a little appreaciation. Personally if I were you, I would really minimize my efforts. Send cards, but stop sending gifts other then Christmas. And don't be shy to ask over the phone if they received your gift? And why not bring it up to your husband, perhaps he has some good input on the situation. After all, this is HIS family.

 

Also, when it comes to the donation part, you can allways just say nothing of the fact that you even recieved the request. Simply put it on the back burner, and if she brings it up, blow her off or change subject very fast. I personally wouldn't give into that type of manipulation. You can always send her a nice check long after she stopped talking about it, just to show you dont' like that type of behavior, but you support the cause.

 

Oh, and yes, be greatfull you live so far away...life's little blessings!

[RKWinters]

I don't think you are being sensitive, on the contrary, you are expecting the same acknowledgement that you have given. You have a choice to make, do you continue to be thoughtful and expect nothing in return due to past performance or do you not put yourself out and then also get nothing in return.

 

Here's a story that might help. Actually true. My family, not inlaws but actual family, has had a fued going since before my birth. I was born into the fued and made a poster child for it. It all centered around the jealousy of my Uncle's young wife against my mother. My cousin and I were compared, and to be honest, my grandfather considered me the favorite. This was something I neither realized nor understood as a child but became chillingly aware of as I've grown older. Grandfather has passed now and my family has chosen to not invite my mother, myself, or my husband to Holidays. They don't acknowledge birthday or anniversary cards, or gifts to their children and grandchildren. Finally, this past year, I brought it all to a head and tried to discuss the issues. Do you know that they played dumb and tried to act as if there was nothing wrong at all?

 

The moral of this story is that if adults act as you are describing they will not respond well to attempts to address the situation. So, the choice is yours to be kind and courteous with no expectations or to be kind and courteous without cards and gifts and still have no expectations.