! Strippers,booths,lies...

[Guest]

Hi,

 

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have had what I thought to be a great marriage. I discovered 2 weeks ago that he had been to a strip club. He came clean about it saying that he had been about 10 times in the last year along with about that many visits to peep booths.

 

We spoke at long length in a rational manner about how we could get beyond this He swears it has nothign to do with me or our sex life, which is good, but that it's about a sexual addiction and/or an inability on his part to cope with work stress. I forgave him for having lied to me and for keeping this from me and committed to working with him to get us beyond this and we agreed that we would see a counselor.

 

The other night though everything hit me and I cried for the first time. I asked him to please just tell me that he was sorry for having gone to the strip clubs because I was feeling very hurt and vulnerable. He refused, saying that he was sorry for having deceived me but that he didn't need to apologize about going to the strip clubs (even though he knew i would have a problem adn be hurt by this). His rationale was that he felt that he could not be responsible for my reaction and that I should see a therapist to figure out why the fact that he had been to strippers bothered me so much.

 

We had an ugly argument about it a couple of nights ago, then the issue lay unresolved for 2 days, then when I brought it up again tonight he stormed out of the room and was angry at me for bringing it up late at night when he has to go to work the next morning. I acted very badly during this argument and even threw something small at him. He's now sleeping in a different bed.

 

I'm so confused. We had such great conversations about how to fix everything and make it better, and we even renewed our wedding vows to one another. Then this happens and I'm just gobsmacked.

 

Advice? Opnions? Anything? I'm hurt and scared and would appreciate any thoughts. Thanks.

[LakesideDream]

There's a couple of things I can tell suggest to you, as an "old fogey" male.

 

1st. Your husband is embarassed. Embarrassment is a very powerful emotion.

 

Before #2 I have to ask you, what are your ages? Do you have kids? Is booze a problem at home, or the "strip club"?

 

Now for 2. Men are very visually erotic creatures. This is why porn, and "strip clubs" are so profitable.

 

The best way to counteract "bad" behavior is to replace it with "good" behavior, with lots of positive reinforcement. Some men have a hard time being able to see and appreciate their wives (and mothers of their children) as erotic. If your husband is a fast learner you are in luck. If he's slower.. you may have to try harder. Either way, it's worth the effort.

[JamesM]

Additional thoughts...

 

Nothing is said about your sex life. My wife would have said we had a great marriage, but sex is a minimal part for her. For me and most men it is a big part. The lack of it leaves a void and need. During our darkest days, she never realized how close we were to losing it, because in her mind...and in her denial state, she pretended that sex did not mean much..because it didn't to her.

 

It is true. Strip clubs and peep shows are simply a means to get it off. There is no emotional connection to the woman in any sense...even if she is beautiful, which most are by far not.

 

Porn can be an addiction, but it is also a habit that has to be broken. If he uses...as he says...as a stress relief from work, then he needs to fill that stress relief with some other relief.

 

I will get opposition to this statement, but this is not the same as an affair. Going to many strip clubs is very tame. Hardly any touching is allowed. This does depend on where you live. Each state has its regulations. Some states allow anything...and pretty much anything goes. Even still, these women have zero connection to him. And truthfully, he has zero connection to them.

 

If he had wanted an affair, he could have done that. No, for some reason he became addicted to the pleasure of seeing many women who are trying to leech him out of his money. To me...having been there, and yes, having enjoyed it...I have learned to see them for what they are. That helped me tremendously. Each glance and touch by a stripper is intended to get you to fork over more cash. It works. A strip club cannot be compared to an affair.

 

Having said all of the above, I understand where you are coming from. Women view sex as the biggest single thing that is cherished as an expression of love. When a man breaks this trust, he has a huge battle in front of him. He must convince her that his love is not lost, and his trust can be regained. What your husband is showing is not a good start.

 

You have a right to feel the way you do. And yes, most men would feel the same way if their wife started going to a male strip joint. What if you invited a Chippendale over for private viewing? This is a peep show. Trust me, your husband would have a fit.

 

This will not be an overnite fix. Look through the many threads that relate to yours. Expect a rollercoaster ride. Expect joy and sorrow, but also expect thatmany have come through this with a stronger marriage.

 

Hang in there.

[Guest]

Thank you so much, guys.

 

LaskesideDream, our ages are 32 and 42 (him). No kids as neither of us has ever wanted them. We both drink socially but neither one of us is abusive with alcohol. Also, my husband has engaged in much of this behavior during lunch at work so he couldn't have been drunk.

 

I think you are right about the "erotic" part. Our sex life has been very loving and tender and I have actually longed for some dirtier rough stuff, even beinging porn into the bedroom, but my husband has resisted. I think he has me in his mind's eye as a loving and nurturing companion but not a sexual object. We had a long talk the other day about how I actually WANT to just be objectified sometimes - and he was shocked. He said that sex is a selfish act for him sometimes...sometimes when we're having sex I tell him I don't need to come, but he never believed me until the otehr day. I told him --- if you want it, come in here, bend me over, take it and leave! Of course that shouldn't be our WHOLE sex life, but dang it if that idea doesn't sound hot to me.

 

So yes, I think you are right on the money with that comment.

 

JamesM, I could kiss you for your eloquent statement: Women view sex as the biggest single thing that is cherished as an expression of love.

 

Wow. Such a simple thought but it really answered my question of "why do I feel so horrible about this because I know it's 'just' lust..." THANK YOU!

 

I do know that it's not about cheating - I actually realized that I should not have posted this originally in the "Infidelity" thread because it's not really that. Nonetheless, even though I know he didn't cheat on me per se, it doesn't change the fact that he had other women sitting on his lap and touching him. That simply HURTS; it's just an emotional response. In fact, I don't have a problem with porn or peep booths, - but he LIED to me about all of this stuff for a year. I DO have a problem with strip clubs because my husband told me (after I asked) that YES, some strippers had offered him a "happy ending". If he HAD gone AFTER work...with one more martini than should have been consumed...with a chick grinding against him asking him to **** her (for aprice of course) - well, I hate to say it, but I think he might have. Sex is such a powerful thing for guys...who's to say he would have been able to stop himself? My position on the strip clubs is simply, WHY put yourself in that position??? If it's a bachelor party or a group of guys going from work, I can understand it and write it off as "stupid guy stuff". But going alone and getting a lap dance? Sorry - that's not OK with me for my married man. I think I'm pretty reasonable and accepting , but everyone has limits and that's mine, and my husband was aware of this limit WELL before going to a strip club.

 

Well, last night my husband came home from work and handed me a note that he had written. He said that he finally understood that I was hurting because of his strip club activities, and for this he was truly sorry. THAT WAS ALL I WANTED AND NEEDED TO HEAR!!!! It seems that we are back on track and can move forward...I don't want to dwell on the past because in the grand scheme of our happiness and the great times we've had, this is just a painful blip that we can deal with and keep looking towards the future.

 

James M, I really appreciate your excellent points. And I really think we ARE going to get through this and be stronger than ever before (and with the added improvement of a more active and varied sex life!!!)

 

Thanks again!

 

Shelly

[P1xie]

His rationale was that he felt that he could not be responsible for my reaction and that I should see a therapist to figure out why the fact that he had been to strippers bothered me so much.

This rationale concerns me. Why is it that you need to see a therapist because of strippers? I'm sorry but not too many women out there are going "Yeah honey, please go to the strip club I want you to look at other women naked". This is not your issue. Maybe he needs to see a therapist to figure out why he feels he needs to lie to his wife, if he thinks she has a problem because she does not want her husband going to strip clubs. Peep shows are worse. You are basically getting a live sex show.

 

Since you have both agreed to counselor I'm sure he or she will resolve that the situation is not one sided. I can't believe he told you that you should see a therapist about it. That just blows me away! At least he did say he was sorry now.

 

I hope things work well for you

[jonesgirly]

he LIED to me about all of this stuff for a year.

THAT'S the part I'd have a hard time with. You indicated that you had no problem with the stripclubs, yet he still found it necessary to lie to you about it. Sometimes the smallest thoughts of doubt are planted by an uncovered 'lie' or untruth.

 

I would want to know why he felt the need to lie to you about it (for a year - thats a long time). And he always went alone.

 

You sound VERY level-headed and rational about this situation. Kudos, guest - its not always easy!

[Guest]

THAT'S the part I'd have a hard time with. You indicated that you had no problem with the stripclubs, yet he still found it necessary to lie to you about it.

 

No no no, I was disctinctly and clearly AGAINST him going to strip clubs. I had no problem with porn. And I don't have a problem with peep booths although this is something I have only thought about now that I know he has gone to them; we had never discussed this in advance.

 

My limit being strip clubs is that there are live women touching men and in some cases offering the opportunity to do much more than that. From what I understand and have read, there is no touching at the peep booths. I'm not comfortable with it, and am angry that he kept it from me for so long, but the part that I most hate and fear is the strip clubs.

 

I think I'm doing the right hting by believing that my husband is sorry and wont go to strip clubs again except in certain circumstances (with me, or with a group for a party). I want to believe - and I do believe - that he wants to make things work and realizes how stupid it was for him to have jeopardized our marriage over this.

 

Of course we're going to continue talking to a therapist to help us muddle through, but I'm hoping that the dishonesty and inappropirate and hurtful actions of the last year are all in the past.

 

I have 2 choices, right? Trust or distrust? I'm going to opt for trust and hope I made the right decision. If I find out that I didn't, then, I guess it's over because I won't play the fool yet again. This time though, I'm willing to take that risk.

[LakesideDream]

Wise decsion I think. I am having a hard time understanding why a husband/man would not be interested even facinated with a woman like you, exhibiting the attitudes/desires you do, especially at 42 years of age.

 

My experiance when married (25 years, divorced 5, now 55 years old) was completely the opposite. Sex and especially sexuality was very difficult to inspire in my ex.

 

Since single, I have had three different women tell me in conversation (clothed) that sometimes they just like to be "f*cked". They didn't have to tell me twice. Generally I am an "over romantic" man. The experiance of being "seduced" and "attacked" by a woman didn't happen to me until I was fifty years old.

[Guest]

"Wise decsion I think. I am having a hard time understanding why a husband/man would not be interested even facinated with a woman like you, exhibiting the attitudes/desires you do, especially at 42 years of age."

 

Thanks, LD (and I'm actually only 32)!

 

I did something pretty stupid last night. My husband was out playing poker and I took the opportunity to watch a DVD that I bought last week called "Lap Dancing for your Man" thinking that I would learn how to do that and surprise him one day.

 

It ended up being like a training video for professional strippers (albeit not a very good one) but they basically spoke about how to get your customer to pay more, etc. ("get him to think you really want him...look him in the eyes like you mean it", etc.) Plus of course they gave examples of what they thought to be good lapdances. Needless to say, watching these strippers put their puss**s right up in the guy's face and hearing how they had likely worked to get my husband to think that they wanted to **** him didn't make me feel so good. All I could think about was that some sluts had been doing that to my husband, and he had been paying to enjoy that.

 

It jsut made me sick and sad that he had done that, over and over.

 

I thought about telling him about what happened, but then I wondered what the point of that would be. For him to say he's sorry again? I really think he is sorry, so I don't need to hear it again and again....it's almost just self pity at this point. Plus, then I wouldn't ever be able to do a lap dance for him or dance for my husband at all without us both feeling wierd about it...not that I know that I ever want to do that, but i'll be damned if some stripper is going to stop me from something from doing that I want to do that I might think is fun.

 

Sigh.

 

I'll gladly take any pity anyone here would like to give me though, lol.

 

Is there any benefit in sharing this with my husband? Or is this just something that I file under "time heals all wounds" and just not be so sensitive about --- what's done is done, and I do just want to move forward.

 

Thanks again, guys and gals!

 

Shelly

[JamesM]

Shelly, I feel for you. Thanks for pointing out to any guy here why strip clubs are not for married men. Of course, most men...if not all...here probably aren't the ones who need to hear as much, because they probably aren't the ones going. But yes, it is good reinforcement for all of us to hear.

 

Strippers are simply trying to pay the bills. Personally, I am not one to believe that they are evil or looking to have an affair with your husband or 99% of the guys at a club. All of their maneuvers are simply to increase the amount of the tip. They know that most men there are married. They also know which ones have the money and are willing to part with it. It is all about the level of excitement the man will reach. Interestingly enough, a good stripper can bring a man to the point of ejaculation and never get him over. This is the goal, because as all women know..this is the place where men lose all thinking and will keep giving money...so that the stripper will bring them over the edge. But as all women know, "over the edge" means no interest in sex and no more money.

 

Your husband will not recognize your being so upset over some unknown strippers, but marriage counselling may be in order...because it does bother you so much. It is cheating, but it also is financially stupid.

 

Next time he goes to a strip club (and hopefully he won't), tell him to go in the mens' bathroom and masturbate. I am willing to guess that the blinders will fall off his eyes. It will save you both alot of money.

[LakesideDream]

Guest, I understood that you were 32, your husband 42. Has the situation improved? Again it boggles the mind that a man would waste his time, effort and money in "strip clubs" with a willing and enthusiastic partner sitting at home wondering what the heck is going on.

 

I am single, living in one of the strip / prostitution capitols of the world (Northern Nevada) and I cannot imagine a situation where I would bother to go to either type of business. Maybe I am just to old to think it would be worthwhile.

 

A thought out of left field: Does your husband have a friend or "mentor" he could discuss the situation with? If his behavior is a "habit" not an obsession, that might help.

[Guest]

Thanks again guys.

 

I don't villify the strippers. They wouldn't do it if there was no market. They're just businesswomen really and I don't put any of the blame on them and I shouldn't have called them sluts. It's the guys who should be ashamed of themselves (the married ones, not the single ones).

 

I decided not to bring up the DVD...

 

There shouldn't be another time he goes to the strip club...unless I am with him. That's the agreement. Of course after just watching that DVD I can't imaging handling that too well. Another woman wagging herself in his face for money?!?! WHAT IS WITH MEN??? We are different creatures, aren't we? My husband is very logical and I'm sure he knew (as most guys would) that these women don't really desire them. It's really a bit sad. If a guy is desperate for any female attention, then it's undertandable...but MAN. I was RIGHT HERE willing and able to have some darn good sex.

 

I can't wait until this doesn't dredge up horrible feelings. Gaaaaah.

 

LD, my husband discussed this with his best friend which he said helped him quite a bit.

 

As part of our therapy he is to keep a "trigger journal" every time he thinks about using porn or going to a club or booth. It only has 4 entries according to him (over 2 weeks: once he saw a girl in a tight shirt with nipples pointing out, once I went to the grocery store and he realized that he had a porn opportunity but didn't act on, once he was stressed at work and wanted to go to the booth, and I forget the other one) and they all brought up the idea in his mind that doing one of these things was an option, but he swears that he hasn't really felt a pull or compulsion or desire to actually act on the thought and do these things since he came clean to me. So he seems to be having a fine time with not feeling the need to do this stuff...I hope it stays like that. Only time will tell.

 

Last night he woke me up in the middle of the night for sex. HALLELUJAH! I was more than willing and don't think that he's done that in a few years. I'm thinking that maybe that's an indication that he really isn't doing stuff outside our marriage - and I couldn't be happier about that.

 

BTW guys, I've read your replies in other posts as well and have been so impressed with both of you. It's so nice to hear a great guy's viewpoint on this stuff.

 

Shelly