Boyfriend lies about simplest things... should I be worried?

[virtualkat]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for nearly two years, and were best friends for a couple years before that. Our relationship has been through many ups and downs, but I used to think we have what it takes to make it... Now I'm having doubts - please reply with your thoughts...

 

I found a note on his website's bb from some girl referring to seeing him again at a vague website, after doing some surfing I found the site, and found that he had an account on it. It's not a dating site, but he has all these online 'friends', and as I've been checking in the past couple of days, I see he is on there a lot. I logged in as a guest yesterday after work and saw he was chatting.

 

The problem isn't that he visits this site, or that he chats online - the problem is that he lies to me about it...

 

I asked him flat out if he had online friends, he said he had a couple but that he hadn't talked to them in months. I asked him if he chatted, he said no - the very day I had seen him online. If he had been honest I wouldn't have cared, but the fact that he's lying makes me think that maybe it's not innocent at all. And if he can lie so easily about something so non-relevant, what else is he lying about?

 

I know that he used to lie to his ex all the time, he says it's because she was very jealous and unreasonable - he says that the reason that we work is because he is 100% honest with me all of the time. He said this within five minutes of lying about the site and chatting.

 

In my gut I don't believe that he is getting into trouble online, I don't think that he's e-cheating or even hitting on girls. I imagine he's flirtatious, but that's just his nature, I doubt very much that it's malicious. I don't think he's really doing anything other than passing time at work and at home when he's bored, but I can't get over the fact that he's lying to me about it. I want to confront him, but I don't know how without it turning into a huge fight. We talk about marriage and babies and a future together, but how can I go on when I can't trust him not to lie?

 

Please help...

Thanks, Kat

[Guest]

My boyfriend does a very similar thing. He receives phone calls and emails from girls and then denies it...little things like that. I would either write him or sit him down and tell him that you trust him but that you know that he's in contact with people, and that there's no need for him to be dishonest about it. Use phrases like- "I feel concerned when you are totally honest because I trust you and you have no need to hide innocent things from me out of fear Ill overreact."

 

I'm sure he's just trying to spare you from any worry without realizing that he's causing it in the process. You need to talk to him about it, but don't come in attack mode or point fingers. If he blows up, calmly tell him that the two of you obviously can't have productive conversation at that moment and that you need to take a minute or two to regroup but that you do want to discuss it with him. Trust me, you will NEVER lose an argument if you stay calm.

[PandorasBox]

People lie for different reasons. But a lie is a lie just the same. Maybe he is afraid you will get mad like his last g/f. Or maybe he is just sneaky like that and doesn't want you to know what he is doing etc. Talk to him, and reassure him that you are ok with what he is doing. That is if you are infact ok with it. Personally I wouldn't hang on to someone to long who felt the need to lie, no matter what the reason.

[bluechocolate]

.....he says that the reason that we work is because he is 100% honest with me all of the time. He said this within five minutes of lying about the site and chatting.

 

And you didn't call him out on that?

 

I'm curious as to why you felt the need to 'trap' him in a lie. Why didn't you just come out & say - "I found you chatting on this website"?

 

In a sense, aren't you both being dishonest here?

 

I think you should confront him about his lie(s) and the sooner the better. And remember, it can only turn into a huge fight if you let it.

[virtualkat]

Good points... I brought it up with him because I wanted to give him an out, I wanted him to tell me in his own way on his own terms without feeling like I forced him. When it didn't work I changed the subject and hoped that it would come out in time or he would stop doing it. Unfortunately neither has happened, and yeah, now I guess I need to man-up, so to speak, and talk to him about it. I'm afraid that the conversation will be steared towards the chatting moreso than the lying, and my point will get lost - but I'll give it a shot eh!

[electric_sheep]

I'm sort of in the same boat as you. I've caught my girlfriend lying when she thinks the truth might cause problems. I wish I could give you some good advice on this, but honestly I don't have any.

 

I've mentioned it to her, and she said she's "working" on it, but I've caught her in lies since then as well.

 

Trust has to be on the top 5 list of things that make a relationship work, and I have to admit I have only limited trust in her at this point. I mean ... I trust her in some respects, but not in others. I think she is a fundamentally good person, but in those gray areas I don't trust her to tell me the truth if she thinks it will upset me. As an example, she recently was contacted by her ex boyfriend, and she told me she wouldn't contact him back. I don't have a 100% faith in that. I've had to just let it go, but I wish I could have that feeling of security that comes from dating someone you can really trust.

 

Needless to say this lack of trust can cause problems. I've noticed I am more fast and loose with the truth now myself, because I figure if she is going to lie I can do it to. What's happened is I've lost a little respect for her, and this probably shows in how I think about her, and more subtly, in how I treat her and the relationship. Respect is on that top 5 list too. Essentially I've lowered myself to her level, which is not good, and it makes me feel bad about myself a little.

 

I do think people can change though, so I'm hoping she matures out of it. It's a long process though.

 

On the other hand nobody is perfect. A lot depends on how much of a problem it is, and if you think it's something you can deal with or not.

[bluechocolate]

I'm afraid that the conversation will be steered towards the chatting more-so than the lying, and my point will get lost - but I'll give it a shot eh!

 

Again, your point will get lost only if you let it. If he tries to steer the conversation away calmly say,

 

"We can talk about the chat-room <or whatever> later, right now my concern is why you lied to me about it".

 

You may need to keep doing that, but it can work. Same with the allowing things to escalate into an argument, calmly keep saying,

 

"I don't want to yell & scream about this, I'm not looking for an argument, I just want to understand......"

[SoleMate]

Talk to people (women or men) in LTR with chronic liars, and I think you'll have your answer.

 

I am convinced that there is NO LOVE so profound that it can withstand this insult in the long term.

[Brittanyjean06]

Lying about simple things leads to deeper problems. Honestly there are some people out there who don't even have to lie, and still do. They believe there owm lies. Now I don't know too much of your boyfriend just the " he lies about simple things' So I don't want to start pointing fingers at any type of border line personality disorder. But lying about little and simple things, well it might be the " little things" but than turn out to be big problems in a relationship. I don't lie I honestly feel to bad and don't want it coming back to me, even the smallest little lie that I ever would say would really get to my conscience. And if he is a chronic liar you need to get rid of him he is not someone you want in your life. Trust me

[2020vision]

I am convinced that there is NO LOVE so profound that it can withstand this insult in the long term.

 

Well put.

 

Please trust your gut instinct here....He is lying to you about small things now, he will lie to you about larger things later, if he is not already.