Why is he lying? And how to handle it?

[tiramisu314]

I got home from work and feel extremely sad that I found out that my bf of 3 years is lying to me...over something that is not really a big deal. But it puzzles me why he lied.

 

Background: A lady friend and a collegue of mine X was not feeling happy at work today, instead of using the work facility to chat with her, I asked for her personal email account- Gmail so that I can chat after work to make her feel better. She responded by saying that she does not have one.

 

I asked my bf who also work in the same company on whether is it true that X does not have a gmail account, because I recall he mentioned about she having it. His response was an immediate no. Then I told him my gut feel tells me that she was telling a lie, he got furious at me and started to lecture me that how can I accused my goodfriend for lying. She has been kind to me, he said he does not know whether she has gmail and maybe if she has and not given to me, it may be because of personal reasons etc. He said he is just providing an objective view to me cos he can't afford to see the team members not in good terms. I told him that I can understand that, but I was just asking him a question. His conversation turned defensive and my suspicion grew with his inconsistency.

 

When we part for home, he asked me one question. He asked me whether I have been logging into his inbox to check him out.

 

That prompt me to make a huge mistake that I regret it now. I logged into his inbox and found out that he indeed has X gmail address and he has invited her to sign up in the past.

 

I am now puzzled. I trust him, and if he does not trust me, he would not have let me know his password, and he has mine too. I thought we are so close... but his last statement just push me to check his inbox. i know that there is nothing is going on between the 2 of them. And i saved the evidence...

 

But WHY is he lying to me and defending X? How can I talk to him about this without getting into fights. This is not the first time he lied to me......but all of them are small lies, nothing major that is detrimental to our relationship. We have had many chats before that I just dislike dishonesty. And to avoid confrontation, we agreed to be open with each other, but i guess he thinks that I can't handle the truth. He brought a baggage into our relationship cos he had bad experiences that that his exes didn't trust him, and he can't stand all the questioning. But I just can't stop having a heavy feelings that there could be some major lies he has been telling me. And how can I trust him again when he lies even over something that he has no wrong. If he has not done anything wrong, why is he lying to me?

 

Should I confront him with my evidence? should i not show him the evidence, cos in the past, he distrust me even more i think...how should I handle it? I love him, but i cannot tolerate that he has been not transparent to me. I have always been transparent to him...an d we had this conversation many times...

 

I hinted to him that my gut feel is telling me that something is not right, but he lied/denied even more saying that I am tired, he is tired, and he does not want to talk about it.

 

Now i feel insecure, uncertain about everything. What should I do? Maybe men deal with things differently than women... please advise.