What should I do?

[HiFi Guy]

I dated this lady for almost two years. We had known each other personally for a year before that. I have never been married and have no children of my own. She was married before and has two young boys to her ex. This past Thanksgiving, she out of the blue says the she doesn't forsee a future and that love isn't enough and wants to take time to figure things in her life out. This happens after we are back two weeks from a cruise that we had gone on together. I did as she asked and walked away reluctantly but after a few days I called her. I tried to work things out on the phone with her but she started hanging up and taking the phone off the hook. I talked to one of her friends and she said that she just wants to be alone and that I was making her upset calling her. So, I told her that I would do as she asked and not call. A few weeks passed and one of my friends talked to her, she told him that she didn't know why I haven't called her. I got a call from her on X-mas but it was more of a help me hook up my new game call. I finally got up the nerve to message her about some items of mine that she still had. I got messages back instantly. We started messaging each other maybe one or two times a day for about four days. I finally called her after one of her replies. She said that I called at the perfect time. We had a nice long talk about what each other has been doing. She also said that her kids have been asking about me. This confused me because her kids are the biggest reason she broke up with me I think. I am as close to them as they will let me be. She also said that she was going to come and see me at work one day. I think that she still loves me and when I told her that I felt better after talking to her, she agreed the same. What should I do, I really love her but I don't want to push her and upset her. We get along great together and never had fights or arguements. I just don't want to loose her.

[Laurynn]

Of course I don't know all the full details, but based on what you've written, my heart goes out to you. Either she's been immensely confused or else she's a game-player. For her to push you out of her life like that, especially after spending 2 weeks together on a vacation, I think that's pretty heartless. And the reasons she gave you for doing so (that "love isn't enough and that she didn't foresee a future with you") were strange. Talk about a slap in the face. Any idea what she really meant by that? If "love wasn't enough" then what else was it that she wanted or expected?

 

You'd mentioned that you felt that her kids were a lot of the reason that she ended things with you. Did I sense from your post that her kids didn't take too well to you? Maybe you could explain how your interaction was with them...how they responded to you, how you felt about them, etc.

 

I find it mean and cruel for her to have pushed you away like she did..even going so far as to hanging up on you and then taking the phone off the hook. Not real mature. Then she now has the nerve to have told a mutual friend that she couldn't figure out why you hadn't called. Well DUH. She sounds like a dipstick, no offense.

 

Is she really divorced? Is there any possible chance that during the time she "blew you off" that she was perhaps trying to get back with her ex (ex hubby)? How long of a period of time had you two been "over" for?

 

Does this woman have anything to gain by suddenly changing her tune and wanting to get back with you? Did you support her in any way? Were you helping her financially? Who was it (just out of curiosity) that paid for the cruise...you?

 

I guess it's possible that she pushed you out of her life because she got scared about settling down again. Do you know the details surrounding her past relationship/marriage? Does she have problems, that you've picked up on, with commitment?

 

So you find it really hard to believe that her children actually do miss you/have asked about you?

 

Seems to me that before you invest anymore of your time, heart or energy on this woman, she owes you some kind of apology or explanation for her past behavior....afterall, if I were in your shoes, I'd now be leary of her "changing her mind" again.....and at some point in the future, pushing you away again. You deserve much more than that.

 

If she can really sit down and explain to you what the hell was really going on, and you can accept that, then fine....but as it stands, there doesn't seem to be a lot of stability there on her part. I wouldn't want you to end up getting hurt again.

 

L

[midori]

If she can really sit down and explain to you what the hell was really going on, and you can accept that, then fine....but as it stands, there doesn't seem to be a lot of stability there on her part. I wouldn't want you to end up getting hurt again.

I think that Laurynn has raised some very good questions and the above really sums it up. I've only just extricated myself from a relationship with a man who blew hot and cold, pushing me away and then saying/doing things that implied that he really did want me to stick around. Of course I was an accomplice in the cycle by seeing things through that lens.

 

As Tony and others in this forum continually point out, we can only be responsible for our own actions. We can't make another person "see the light," recognize their own deep feelings, overcome their own fears and doubts. What we can do is know where our boundaries lie, and maintain them. This woman has behaved in what I know I would consider to be an unacceptable way: unstable, irrational, with undisclosed issues that you don't get to know about but you have to deal with. Not cool. Not a good person to have in one's life.

 

It's nice to be understanding but if doing so requires you to give up expecting to be treated with respect, like the loving & concerned adult that you are, then I'd say your understanding is doing no one any good. And what are you getting in return: you're being nicer and more accommodating than anyone has a right to expect from another person, and your repayment is to be called upon as a computer repairman? She doesn't have to account for herself? Is that because she's such a pathetic specimen that she's incapable of doing so, or is that because you're being so blindly understanding and accepting of her flakiness that you've forgotten to insist on being treated as you deserve to be?

 

I think that if you still harbor hopes of things working out with this woman, you've got to clear the air in a thorough and meaningful way. Otherwise you'll just find yourself at the mercy of her whims.

 

Good luck!

[BeenThere]

You say you have been together now for two years?

 

Is is possible she may be wanting more of a committment from you at this point...perhaps a marraige proposal??

 

Has this issue ever been discussed? It might explain her off-handed comment about "not seeing a future in this." Perhaps she's waiting for you to take things to the next level, but doesn't want to be the one to bring it up. Afterall, she's already invested two years...

I dated this lady for almost two years. We had known each other personally for a year before that. I have never been married and have no children of my own. She was married before and has two young boys to her ex. This past Thanksgiving, she out of the blue says the she doesn't forsee a future and that love isn't enough and wants to take time to figure things in her life out. This happens after we are back two weeks from a cruise that we had gone on together. I did as she asked and walked away reluctantly but after a few days I called her. I tried to work things out on the phone with her but she started hanging up and taking the phone off the hook. I talked to one of her friends and she said that she just wants to be alone and that I was making her upset calling her. So, I told her that I would do as she asked and not call. A few weeks passed and one of my friends talked to her, she told him that she didn't know why I haven't called her. I got a call from her on X-mas but it was more of a help me hook up my new game call. I finally got up the nerve to message her about some items of mine that she still had. I got messages back instantly. We started messaging each other maybe one or two times a day for about four days. I finally called her after one of her replies. She said that I called at the perfect time. We had a nice long talk about what each other has been doing. She also said that her kids have been asking about me. This confused me because her kids are the biggest reason she broke up with me I think. I am as close to them as they will let me be. She also said that she was going to come and see me at work one day. I think that she still loves me and when I told her that I felt better after talking to her, she agreed the same. What should I do, I really love her but I don't want to push her and upset her. We get along great together and never had fights or arguements. I just don't want to loose her.

[HiFi Guy]

Laurynn,

 

Thank you for the response. Sorry about that vague description of my problem, I tried to be brief and hit the recent events. As for the ex husband, there is no chance of them getting back together. He walked out on her while she was pregnant with her second child. The divorce was final over 8 months before we went out. The husband lives in a different state and has only recently shown interest in the children to a certain point. He wants more visitation rights but when he does get them, he pushes them off on his mother and goes out to party. The only interest in them is for a tax reduction. Sorry if that sounds cruel but it is true. As for her children, they have always depended upon her from the get go. The father wasn't and hasn't been involved in any aspect of their upbringing. I understand that I was and still am new to them. They have always been used to Mom help me,,, mom do this,, mom do that. I have reached out to them as much as possible, but it is still,, mom. I understand that it takes time. The oldest is 7 and is a loner type. the youngest is 3 and is very attached to her. I understand that they can be jealous of the time that I spend with her, for the most part, I was the only man that she allowed to get close to them. I knew that they liked me, but I just never knew how much. I tried different hobbies with them but with my career, it was difficult to get in. Most of the time, I got there after dark so we couldn't do anything outdoors. As for the financial end of the relationship. She has always wanted to be independent. We did split things but it was pretty much a combined effort. As for the cruise, I paid for it almost seven months before but she was determined to pay her own way. She did,,,, over a period of a few weeks, she paid me her share. She also got very upset if I refused to take her money. She has a good job and is financially independent. She has been that way before I met her. She had talked about marriage VERY early in the relationship. I am an old fashioned type and wanted to take things slowly and get to know each other first. I told her many times that it was not backing out or scared of committment, there just has to be some issue resolving. One, we did not live together, we live about an hour apart. She rents a townhouse in the city but wants to buy a house. I just finished building a new house on my land that I had owned. My house is big enough to move her entire family into. But because of school districts, her kids, and wanting to be close to her family, she does not want to live here. She was and still is looking for a house, I told her that I need to resolve my situation, I am on a mortgage on a new house and what do I do with it. I can't just pack up and go. The other thing is that I am a business owner. My electronics shop and warehouse is here and how do I move all of that there. These are just some issues that needed resolved. I mentioned to her many times, I am not stalling, I just have to figure out what to do with my prior house and business.

 

As I said,, she wanted to be alone, but I tried reading between the lines and called her. I thanked her for the last phone conversation I had with her and told her that it was good to hear her voice and that it made me feel better hearing her and talking to her. I also told her to call or mail me if she was lonely or wanted to talk. She responed in two words,,,, " Me too!" What does that mean. I am to call her?,,,,,,,, I am to mail her?,,,,,,,, she felt better talking to me? I know that she misses me because she told me, but she also says "Love isn't enough" & "We weren't meant to be". Does this mean she still loves me but is affraid? Or, are there different issues that I don't know about? She has been TOTALLY faithfull as I have been. I know that there hasn't been any other men. Even after the break up she hasn't tried dating or shown the desire to. She told me in our last talk that she has sworn off relationships until her kids are grown. It is just too hard for her to deal with all at the same time. She said that all her kids know is that Mom's house is here, dad's house is there, and grandparents house is over there. She stated " I need to get my kids a house so each has their own room and a yard to play in". I took this in two ways. First, if she wants a house, it will still be mom here, dad there situation. Second, if she wants a HOME, she is looking for the stability of marriage and the family. I don't understand this one because of her saying that she wants no relationships until the kids are grown.

 

What is my next step? What do I do? I have tried everything to get her out of my mind and move on but I cant. Can she just be affraid of getting together after a painfull marriage and just letting her fears stop her from living. We had our minor discussions,, I can't even say fights because we never raised voices ever. We always talked things out. I am a type that hates to fight, to me it just makes matters worse than what they are. I am not a pushover, I do get my way half the time. We always came to an agreement on everything. Like I said before, I don't want to push her or make her mad, but if she wants to talk or meet, how do I go about it? Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated. I just need to get this resolved before I go crazy.

Of course I don't know all the full details, but based on what you've written, my heart goes out to you. Either she's been immensely confused or else she's a game-player. For her to push you out of her life like that, especially after spending 2 weeks together on a vacation, I think that's pretty heartless. And the reasons she gave you for doing so (that "love isn't enough and that she didn't foresee a future with you") were strange. Talk about a slap in the face. Any idea what she really meant by that? If "love wasn't enough" then what else was it that she wanted or expected? You'd mentioned that you felt that her kids were a lot of the reason that she ended things with you. Did I sense from your post that her kids didn't take too well to you? Maybe you could explain how your interaction was with them...how they responded to you, how you felt about them, etc. I find it mean and cruel for her to have pushed you away like she did..even going so far as to hanging up on you and then taking the phone off the hook. Not real mature. Then she now has the nerve to have told a mutual friend that she couldn't figure out why you hadn't called. Well DUH. She sounds like a dipstick, no offense. Is she really divorced? Is there any possible chance that during the time she "blew you off" that she was perhaps trying to get back with her ex (ex hubby)? How long of a period of time had you two been "over" for? Does this woman have anything to gain by suddenly changing her tune and wanting to get back with you? Did you support her in any way? Were you helping her financially? Who was it (just out of curiosity) that paid for the cruise...you?

 

I guess it's possible that she pushed you out of her life because she got scared about settling down again. Do you know the details surrounding her past relationship/marriage? Does she have problems, that you've picked up on, with commitment?

 

So you find it really hard to believe that her children actually do miss you/have asked about you? Seems to me that before you invest anymore of your time, heart or energy on this woman, she owes you some kind of apology or explanation for her past behavior....afterall, if I were in your shoes, I'd now be leary of her "changing her mind" again.....and at some point in the future, pushing you away again. You deserve much more than that. If she can really sit down and explain to you what the hell was really going on, and you can accept that, then fine....but as it stands, there doesn't seem to be a lot of stability there on her part. I wouldn't want you to end up getting hurt again. L

[HiFi Guy]

Laurynn, Thank you for the response. Sorry about that vague description of my problem, I tried to be brief and hit the recent events. As for the ex husband, there is no chance of them getting back together. He walked out on her while she was pregnant with her second child. The divorce was final over 8 months before we went out. The husband lives in a different state and has only recently shown interest in the children to a certain point. He wants more visitation rights but when he does get them, he pushes them off on his mother and goes out to party. The only interest in them is for a tax reduction. Sorry if that sounds cruel but it is true. As for her children, they have always depended upon her from the get go. The father wasn't and hasn't been involved in any aspect of their upbringing. I understand that I was and still am new to them. They have always been used to Mom help me,,, mom do this,, mom do that. I have reached out to them as much as possible, but it is still,, mom. I understand that it takes time. The oldest is 7 and is a loner type. the youngest is 3 and is very attached to her. I understand that they can be jealous of the time that I spend with her, for the most part, I was the only man that she allowed to get close to them. I knew that they liked me, but I just never knew how much. I tried different hobbies with them but with my career, it was difficult to get in. Most of the time, I got there after dark so we couldn't do anything outdoors. As for the financial end of the relationship. She has always wanted to be independent. We did split things but it was pretty much a combined effort. As for the cruise, I paid for it almost seven months before but she was determined to pay her own way. She did,,,, over a period of a few weeks, she paid me her share. She also got very upset if I refused to take her money. She has a good job and is financially independent. She has been that way before I met her. She had talked about marriage VERY early in the relationship. I am an old fashioned type and wanted to take things slowly and get to know each other first. I told her many times that it was not backing out or scared of committment, there just has to be some issue resolving. One, we did not live together, we live about an hour apart. She rents a townhouse in the city but wants to buy a house. I just finished building a new house on my land that I had owned. My house is big enough to move her entire family into. But because of school districts, her kids, and wanting to be close to her family, she does not want to live here. She was and still is looking for a house, I told her that I need to resolve my situation, I am on a mortgage on a new house and what do I do with it. I can't just pack up and go. The other thing is that I am a business owner. My electronics shop and warehouse is here and how do I move all of that there. These are just some issues that needed resolved. I mentioned to her many times, I am not stalling, I just have to figure out what to do with my prior house and business. As I said,, she wanted to be alone, but I tried reading between the lines and called her. I thanked her for the last phone conversation I had with her and told her that it was good to hear her voice and that it made me feel better hearing her and talking to her. I also told her to call or mail me if she was lonely or wanted to talk. She responed in two words,,,, " Me too!" What does that mean. I am to call her?,,,,,,,, I am to mail her?,,,,,,,, she felt better talking to me? I know that she misses me because she told me, but she also says "Love isn't enough" & "We weren't meant to be". Does this mean she still loves me but is affraid? Or, are there different issues that I don't know about? She has been TOTALLY faithfull as I have been. I know that there hasn't been any other men. Even after the break up she hasn't tried dating or shown the desire to. She told me in our last talk that she has sworn off relationships until her kids are grown. It is just too hard for her to deal with all at the same time. She said that all her kids know is that Mom's house is here, dad's house is there, and grandparents house is over there. She stated " I need to get my kids a house so each has their own room and a yard to play in". I took this in two ways. First, if she wants a house, it will still be mom here, dad there situation. Second, if she wants a HOME, she is looking for the stability of marriage and the family. I don't understand this one because of her saying that she wants no relationships until the kids are grown. What is my next step? What do I do? I have tried everything to get her out of my mind and move on but I cant. Can she just be affraid of getting together after a painfull marriage and just letting her fears stop her from living. We had our minor discussions,, I can't even say fights because we never raised voices ever. We always talked things out. I am a type that hates to fight, to me it just makes matters worse than what they are. I am not a pushover, I do get my way half the time. We always came to an agreement on everything. Like I said before, I don't want to push her or make her mad, but if she wants to talk or meet, how do I go about it? Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated. I just need to get this resolved before I go crazy.

[HiFi Guy]

First I want to thank Laurynn, Midori, & Been There for their advice. You raised some good questions and made me sit back and think awhile. Since my posting, I have talked to my ex. She has told me that she still loves me and that I am making great efforts to get closer with her kids. But love isn't enough and that we are not meant to be. She misses me and would still like to call me. I know she has been totally faithfull and that there is no chance of her getting back with her ex. She does not want marriage yet and is totally financially independant. There are no alterior motives that I can find. I mailed her and thanked her for talking to me and told her that I felt better hearing her voice and that I miss her and to call me or mail me if she gets lonely or wants to talk. She mails me back in two words,,,,,,, "me too". Her actions are opposite what she is saying. What do I do next, I do not want to push her or upset her. I have tried to move on but I have totally fallen for this woman and can't get her out of my mind. She admits that she misses the things we do together but that she has a feeling that there is no future. How can there be no future when she loves me and is happy with the way I am with her and her kids. I also found out that her kids are missing me more now. Any advice on what to do or on what she means or is trying to do will help,,,,,,,,,

 

Thanks

[Miss Mojo]

hi hifi guy,

 

what she said about love not being enough is exactly the point. she really loves you but it's not enough when she doesn't want the committment that goes with it. we can be in love with a person, yet getting involved isn't the right thing to do due to circumstances.

 

i really have to commend her for her honesty and her fairness. she does not want to lead you up the garden path and give you a false sense of security. she is being extremely fair, even though it really hurts. just imagine how much it would have hurt if, say, 2 years down the track she told you she never really wanted a relationship.

 

the break-up is still extremely fresh, so don't stress that you can't get her out of your mind. i know *exactly* how you are feeling and it is totally normal.

 

perhaps the best thing to do right now is to just sit back for a while and give yourself the space to deal with this pain. contacting her, no matter how much you miss her, only serves to prolong the healing process and it complicates things. trust me....i am a constant witness to a a person that will *never* have a relationship again with his ex. for the last 7 years (i kid you not), he has been hanging on. he is wasting his life because he couldn't find it within himself to cut contact. i'd hate to think of others putting themselves in this situation.

 

you'll get there....i promise.

 

best wishes

[BeenThere]

Any man familiar with women already knows we are emotional rollercoasters. Our hearts often tell us one thing while our heads tell us another. Your lady isn't much different. It sounds like she's struggling right now with what her heart desires and what her common sense is telling her she really needs. It's a matter of survival and self-preservation.

 

I think I can relate to this situation since I am in a similar quandary. While deeply in love with the man I'm with, I have also become independent and self-sufficient. The fear of entering into another marriage, sharing financial assets, or depending on anyone again for my emotional and financial well-being is a fate worse than death. I think the hidden fear here is that if you rely on someone else too much, and this "partnership" also ends (like the last) you will be left struggling to pick up all the pieces to get back up on your own two feet again. I think its fair to say that all of us, men and women alike, want to move forward...not backwards. And unless you have been in a situation where the rug has been pulled out from under you, it can be very difficult to understand.

 

I can't predict how this situation might turn out. I don't know what it is she feels she needs that she isn't already getting. The fact that the two of you don't reside in the same home is only part of the equation. My guess is that she wants you in her life on a permanent basis, but the matter of the separate homes, your distance from each other, the material and financial mumbo-jumbo that often interferes with our emotional needs is somehow getting in the way. But the best you can do right now is to give her the space and time she needs to figure things out. Maybe she'll discover that being without you (as I have with "J") is too big a price to pay for stubborn pride and independence. Love..."real" love...is a gift that can not be substituted with material wealth or financial security. No matter how much we acquire, how self-sufficient we've become, there will always be an emptiness inside that longs to be filled with the companionship of another human-being.

 

In the end...the "heart" always wins.

 

Much luck to you. I truly sympathize with what you must be going through right now...

 

First I want to thank Laurynn, Midori, & Been There for their advice. You raised some good questions and made me sit back and think awhile. Since my posting, I have talked to my ex. She has told me that she still loves me and that I am making great efforts to get closer with her kids. But love isn't enough and that we are not meant to be. She misses me and would still like to call me. I know she has been totally faithfull and that there is no chance of her getting back with her ex. She does not want marriage yet and is totally financially independant. There are no alterior motives that I can find. I mailed her and thanked her for talking to me and told her that I felt better hearing her voice and that I miss her and to call me or mail me if she gets lonely or wants to talk. She mails me back in two words,,,,,,, "me too". Her actions are opposite what she is saying. What do I do next, I do not want to push her or upset her. I have tried to move on but I have totally fallen for this woman and can't get her out of my mind. She admits that she misses the things we do together but that she has a feeling that there is no future. How can there be no future when she loves me and is happy with the way I am with her and her kids. I also found out that her kids are missing me more now. Any advice on what to do or on what she means or is trying to do will help,,,,,,,,,

 

Thanks

[midori]

Dear HiFi Guy,

 

I know all too well how difficult it is to walk away from someone who admits that they have feelings for you but just can't allow themselves to act on those feelings. It's a tough thing to hear. But, strange as it might seem at first, the fact of the matter is that it's not your problem. How can that be, you might ask, when because of this woman's decision you are denied the joy of having her in your life as your girlfriend? It's affecting you, yes. But it's not your problem to solve. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about -- you can check out my "soap opera finale" from a couple of weeks ago if you'd like to see specifically.

 

Basically this woman seems to be too wishy-washy to take a stand, to actively pursue something she contends she'd like to have in her life -- in this case, a relationship with you. Why doesn't matter, because the only person who can change this is her. The fact that she's unable/unwilling to even discuss her reasons with you beyond glib, meaningless labels like "love is not enough" ought to tell you that she's not really interested in changing. She's content to stay in her little world of angst. There's no self-examination going on, no questioning of how she could get over her doubts. She has not actually asked you to help her, and that illustrates all the more that she's not really interested in changing. She's perfectly happy to have you stay stuck in orbit around her, she'll *allow* you to remain oriented toward her, and she'll even *encourage* you to remain so by admitting to you that she misses you and implying vaguely that maybe, someday ...

 

In my book that's emotional exploitation. If someone knows what a great person you are and truly values you and your well-being, she will not subject you to her angst & melancholy when she knows that she's not going to do anything to move out of them. She's stuck in limbo, so you should be too? This is not how one shows another respect and consideration. If she's so helpless and lacking in self-awareness that she's not even aware of what she's doing to you, you won't be able to help her see the light. If she's so self-absorbed that the fact that she's taking advantage of your love for her doesn't bother her, you still won't be able to help her see the light. In fact, I very much doubt that you will be able to help her see the light under any circumstances. Say the two of you maintain a "friendship" -- would she be able to deal with you dating other women? If you got serious about someone would she be supportive and happy for your happiness, or would she try to sabotage your new relationship? For that matter, could you handle her dating other men? Getting serious with someone else? I don't think you really want to subject yourself to what she's offering. What would you get out of it? And ultimately, what will she get out of it -- besides your technical assistance -- if you allow her fears & doubts to define your relationship? Maybe the one meaningful gift you could give her would be to refuse to play her game, to refuse to validate her screwed-up approach to relationships & her emotions.

 

If you loved her but she simply didn't feel the same would you try to convince her that she did? Believe it or not it amounts to the same thing. You shouldn't have to convince anyone to love you, or to "give in" to their love for you.

 

When I told my ex that I'd had enough of his melodrama & angst, he grew defensive and bitter (although he projected his bitterness onto me). I've realized that he needed to distance himself from his feelings for me, but he only wanted to do so on his terms: which were him walking away from me (but not too far away), and me mournfully carrying the torch for him, waiting for him to come to his senses. Once I provided the distance on my terms -- dismissal and relative indifference -- he was angry. Which just shows all the more to me that he wasn't really concerned at all with how I felt, with how his behavior & words affected me. His expectations of me were completely unrealistic. He would not be happy to learn that I've got a new person in my life. He has demonstrated, unfortunately, that he's not fit to be my friend. It sounds to me like that's true of this woman. You've got to do what's right for your current well-being and future potential for happiness. She doesn't seem promising for those things.

[BeenThere]

Hey Midori,

 

I'm reserving my spot now on YOUR couch if and when I have relationship troubles!

 

Your insights are brillant!

 

Thanks much...

 

Dear HiFi Guy, I know all too well how difficult it is to walk away from someone who admits that they have feelings for you but just can't allow themselves to act on those feelings. It's a tough thing to hear. But, strange as it might seem at first, the fact of the matter is that it's not your problem. How can that be, you might ask, when because of this woman's decision you are denied the joy of having her in your life as your girlfriend? It's affecting you, yes. But it's not your problem to solve. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about -- you can check out my "soap opera finale" from a couple of weeks ago if you'd like to see specifically. Basically this woman seems to be too wishy-washy to take a stand, to actively pursue something she contends she'd like to have in her life -- in this case, a relationship with you. Why doesn't matter, because the only person who can change this is her. The fact that she's unable/unwilling to even discuss her reasons with you beyond glib, meaningless labels like "love is not enough" ought to tell you that she's not really interested in changing. She's content to stay in her little world of angst. There's no self-examination going on, no questioning of how she could get over her doubts. She has not actually asked you to help her, and that illustrates all the more that she's not really interested in changing. She's perfectly happy to have you stay stuck in orbit around her, she'll *allow* you to remain oriented toward her, and she'll even *encourage* you to remain so by admitting to you that she misses you and implying vaguely that maybe, someday ... In my book that's emotional exploitation. If someone knows what a great person you are and truly values you and your well-being, she will not subject you to her angst & melancholy when she knows that she's not going to do anything to move out of them. She's stuck in limbo, so you should be too? This is not how one shows another respect and consideration. If she's so helpless and lacking in self-awareness that she's not even aware of what she's doing to you, you won't be able to help her see the light. If she's so self-absorbed that the fact that she's taking advantage of your love for her doesn't bother her, you still won't be able to help her see the light. In fact, I very much doubt that you will be able to help her see the light under any circumstances. Say the two of you maintain a "friendship" -- would she be able to deal with you dating other women? If you got serious about someone would she be supportive and happy for your happiness, or would she try to sabotage your new relationship? For that matter, could you handle her dating other men? Getting serious with someone else? I don't think you really want to subject yourself to what she's offering. What would you get out of it? And ultimately, what will she get out of it -- besides your technical assistance -- if you allow her fears & doubts to define your relationship? Maybe the one meaningful gift you could give her would be to refuse to play her game, to refuse to validate her screwed-up approach to relationships & her emotions. If you loved her but she simply didn't feel the same would you try to convince her that she did? Believe it or not it amounts to the same thing. You shouldn't have to convince anyone to love you, or to "give in" to their love for you. When I told my ex that I'd had enough of his melodrama & angst, he grew defensive and bitter (although he projected his bitterness onto me). I've realized that he needed to distance himself from his feelings for me, but he only wanted to do so on his terms: which were him walking away from me (but not too far away), and me mournfully carrying the torch for him, waiting for him to come to his senses. Once I provided the distance on my terms -- dismissal and relative indifference -- he was angry. Which just shows all the more to me that he wasn't really concerned at all with how I felt, with how his behavior & words affected me. His expectations of me were completely unrealistic. He would not be happy to learn that I've got a new person in my life. He has demonstrated, unfortunately, that he's not fit to be my friend. It sounds to me like that's true of this woman. You've got to do what's right for your current well-being and future potential for happiness. She doesn't seem promising for those things.

[HiFi Guy]

Back in January I made my first post about my breakup. The people here gave me great advice and made me realize that it's not the end of the world no matter how much it hurts. The only reason I am posting now is that I can't seem to shake that albatross. Since my posting, I haven't called or mailed her for over a month. The problem is that she (the ex) won't go away. I try to move on and do other things but then bam,,,, I get an e-mail or a phone call. Each time I make progress in forgetting her or feeling better about my like, she calls or mails me. I have tried to tell her not too and just leave me alone but she wants to talk. Sometimes like this past weekend,,,,, she calls on my cell phone but never talks. She just leaves the line open. The first few times she started this act I tried to talk to her about if she had changed her mind and wanted to try again. But he response is still "Love isn't enough, wish things could be different but they are not, I still love you,,,I miss you,,,, the children ask about you and miss you". She has no intention that I can see of getting back together. So then my question is why is she doing this if she doesn't want to get back together. Is she messing with my mind, does she see me more of a friend now than a lover? I must have failed Female Emotions 101 big time because I can't read between the lines or make sense of her anymore. The advice and comments you made to my last post helped me out of my slump so I am hoping that you can help my figure this one out as well.

 

Thanks,

 

The HiFiGuy

[arthropod98]

i know you asked for advice from specific people, but i want to throw my 2 cents out there.

 

first off, i wouldn't answer any calls or respond to any e-mails . . . you're just prolonging this whole thing! HOPEFULLY, she'll take the hint here, and leave you alone.

 

second, try not to figure out WHY she's doing this. keep yourself occupied with other things and just try as hard as you can not to think about the whole situation. simple fact is, you probably won't figure out what she's doing, even if you ask her directly.

 

good luck, and just CLOSE that door . . . don't let her keep it open!!

Back in January I made my first post about my breakup. The people here gave me great advice and made me realize that it's not the end of the world no matter how much it hurts. The only reason I am posting now is that I can't seem to shake that albatross. Since my posting, I haven't called or mailed her for over a month. The problem is that she (the ex) won't go away. I try to move on and do other things but then bam,,,, I get an e-mail or a phone call. Each time I make progress in forgetting her or feeling better about my like, she calls or mails me. I have tried to tell her not too and just leave me alone but she wants to talk. Sometimes like this past weekend,,,,, she calls on my cell phone but never talks. She just leaves the line open. The first few times she started this act I tried to talk to her about if she had changed her mind and wanted to try again. But he response is still "Love isn't enough, wish things could be different but they are not, I still love you,,,I miss you,,,, the children ask about you and miss you". She has no intention that I can see of getting back together. So then my question is why is she doing this if she doesn't want to get back together. Is she messing with my mind, does she see me more of a friend now than a lover? I must have failed Female Emotions 101 big time because I can't read between the lines or make sense of her anymore. The advice and comments you made to my last post helped me out of my slump so I am hoping that you can help my figure this one out as well. Thanks, The HiFiGuy

[Tony T]

1. "So then my question is why is she doing this if she doesn't want to get back together."

 

She's just wanting to keep you as a reserve in case all her efforts to find another guy fail and she has to fall back on you as a last resort. Happens all the time.

 

She obviously cares not one bit for you otherwise or she would understand she is impairing your healing process and her contact with you is NOT good for that. She is a selfish bxtch and not your friend. If she was a friend, she would back off for a good while before trying to re-enter your life as a friend.

 

Now, ALL of this is your fault. You do not have to read her emails. That's what the "delete" button is for. You do not have to take her calls, that's what the words "I can't talk to you right now, or at any other time so stop calling" are for.

 

2. "Is she messing with my mind, does she see me more of a friend now than a lover?"

 

Call your psychic friend for this information. How are we supposed to know? But she is being extremely inconsiderate. If she didn't want to be with you and broke up with you, she should count her blessings that you are the type of guy who will move on and not harrass her or annoy her in any of hundreds of ways exs do.

 

She is clearly a nutcase and your best bet is to stop responding to all communication. Even the lowliest animal forms will terminate behavior if it is not rewarded over a period of time. Delete her mail, don't respond to it and politely reject her calls. Keep on doing it. If my pet protazoa can learn this, so can she.

[midori]

Dear HiFi Guy,

 

Wow, I'm so sorry you're being put through such nonsense. If anything this should demonstrate to you just how self-absorbed this woman is, obviously she couldn't care less how her unwelcome behavior is affecting you.

 

Can you set up your email account to automatically delete anything she sends you? Does your cell-phone have caller ID? I would say that her callous irresponsibility calls for a battening of the hatches on your part. This is sadistic behavior. I hope you don't really think that this is typical for women, or men for that matter. If she doesn't have her act together, fine. It's fine for her. She's under no obligation to anyone but herself on that front. But you have asked her to leave you out of it, and her failure to do so is not fine. She just demonstrates all the more that your kindness & love are wasted on her. In fact she is requiring you to cut her off. She'll play the hurt victim, I'm sure. Perhaps you'll get a letter from her saying how badly she feels. Pure melodrama: pay it no heed. This little game is unhealthy, clearly, for you and ultimately for her as well. You really will be doing her a favor by refusing to have any part of it, by refusing to pretend that what she's doing is in any way justified, sane, or good. There is nothing more to be said. She needs to be in some serious, committed therapy to sort out her issues. You can't help her there, and unless she's straightened out she would a toxic presence in your life. Maintaining any kind of connection would do neither of you any good at all.

 

I know very well how hard it is to tell someone you care so much about that you can't have anything more to do with them. But you do need to put a stop to this. How about sending her an email telling her that you do not want to hear from her through any medium, that her emails will be deleted unread and her calls will go unanswered. It's not that you don't care but you see that she's in an unhealthy and unhappy place that you cannot be a part of. And then do not respond to any further attempts to communicate. Change your phone number if necessary. Do not be swayed, no matter what she pulls. Move on with someone who is prepared to be happy.

[HiFi Guy]

Thank you for the comments and insight into my situation. I want to thank Tony for the up-front, in your face, reality slap to the cheek diagnosis of my problem. You are right, I have let this drag on for too long. I know now that I have made every possible effort and tried every possible way to make that relationship work. I have also realized that I was the only one that conceeded change to make things work. SHE was the one that gave up just on a fear of what MIGHT happen and never looked back. Just as Midori said,,,,, use the caller ID and the delete button. I do have the problem that I do electronic work for the dentist office she works in. Unless I burn a work bridge and not do any work for that office anymore I will still get a few calls and unfortunatly she is the one that sets up the times for repairs and new purchases. If at all possible I can keep those visits at a professional level only. Time to move on and not waste any more of my life on someone that isn't ready for the real world.

 

Thanks for the good sound advice.

 

The Hi Fi Guy