Wife Wants Space !!!

[Guest]

Two months ago my wife of 13 years told me that she has no feelings for me, that there was too much water under the bridge and that she wanted some space. She was wanting to move back to town and take our 3 children....10, 8 and 5...... this was something she needed to do. Two months later she is still here in the home.....still wearing her wedding ring everyday.... still is very pleasant with the kids and cordial to me. When she is on the phone with me, she is very pleasent, and we talk like we used to. When we are alone she is very cold and keeps me at a huge distance.

 

She initially didn't want to go to counciling, but has agreed to go on and booked us in for September 18th. She is seeing her own councellor and I mine right now. I have backed off and given her as much space as she needs..... we don't talk anymore, she doesn't want to do any fun things anymore, she says she just wants to be roommates. She says she is not willing to try again, yet at the same time we discuss decorating in the house and future plans together. I am totally getting mixed messages all the time. We have no intimacy, no sex, and very rarely communicate anymore. I don't know whether she is still wanting to leave or is just trying to control the situation.

 

3 years ago we seperated for nine months after she had an affair....she left the kids behind and I took care of everything and everybody. She decided that she truly loved me and I loved her and we were going to make this work, but here we are again ! I have asked her if there is someone else in her life, or if she has been unfaithful.....she says no, she would never do that to herself again. She has become very spiritual ( non religiously ), and very strong and confident. I support her in any way that I can. I want this marriage to work, but I don't know what my future holds. Right now I have no stability, or confidence that she will be here for the long haul.

 

I asked her what she is doing, stayiong or leaving and she says that she can be happy in any situation, even this one.....she has her carreer and the kids. I want more out of a relationship than that... Can she find the love for me again ? or is this just futile? Nothing really isn't getting better.... do I give her more time? I am , right now.... but if you are in the home, why not work at making this right..... She says that is her choice and to stop pressuring..... she needs clarity and that is why she is going to counciling by herself and that is why she is agreeing to go together. I don't her any sort of resolution to this situation or to work on our marriage....all she says is clarity...which is hard to interpret.

 

She won't leave and neither will I...... this is my home and I am here to stay. She knows that if she wants to leave there will be a legal battle over the kids. As it stands I have the capabilities in giving the kids what they need. I love and support them. I do all the laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, finances and maintenace around the house..... she has for the past 1-2 years dropped all reposnsibilities in the home and my major problemis is that I let the lack of help boil inside of me until I explode. This is when she gets defensive and the fight is destructive. This is why she said she wanted to go. I love her and don't want a divorce or a permanent seperation.....She hasn't asked me for this since the beginning of this. What the Hell is she doing? Please someone give me some insight as to what is happening and how I can cope with all of this. I can't eat....lost 35 pounds, sleep or function at work. It is like I truly am living with a room mate... I have so much love to give her, yet she won't allow any of it !

 

Thanks in advance for any input

[Ladyjane14]

Your situation sound somewhat similar to Desperate Dad's. You might start out by reading through his thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87184/

[Guest]

Thanks for the thread link LJ. The only thing different with my situation is that as far as I know there is no other man. The only thing I can think of is an artist that she occasionally works with from another city. She has taken him on as her mentor and she really looks up to him as a friend and as a professional artist. She says that there is nothing going on with this guy and that I will have to trust her. I know they have talked a couple of times on the phone and they have gone out on a business lunch a couple of times. My fear is that she might be having an emotional affair with this guy.... I don't know and I am not wanting to ask her as it may spark a heated discussion and the comment about my insecurity towards him. I know that he is married and he is an ok guy...... we actually had him over for dinner a while back. My problem is, that she doesn't have lunch with me, nor does she call me during the day..... he gets it ! I don't know if it is my mind running away with me, but at this point I don't think he is an issue. I did find a couple of incoming calls on her cell bill from him that lasted about 45 minutes each during business hours. I confronted her with this and she said that it was business for an upcoming program in our city that he is involved in. Other than that she is home in the evenings and weekends and acts like nothing is wrong unless I bring up the relationship issues.

 

I have been a little suspicious, given I went through this 3 years ago....but nothing has popped up.... everything that she has told me has been the truth. I just need how to handle this situation, so that she can learn or find the love she used to have for me. I am very frightend .... for me, my kids and our lifestyle.

[Nickels]

I have registered and now am Nickels. I have read a little bit about the no contact rule..... how do you accomplish this if you are still living together and sleeping in the same bed ?

[Ladyjane14]

I have registered and now am Nickels. I have read a little bit about the no contact rule..... how do you accomplish this if you are still living together and sleeping in the same bed ?

 

You don't.

Your best bet right now is "Plan A", you know... addressing ENs and putting your best foot forward.

 

You'll also want to introduce small doses of reality from time to time, so you can poke some holes in the fantasy bubble. What would your lives really be like if you were divorced? Certainly, your lifestyle would change. So, you feed her little tidbits like that. It's hit-and-run. You don't allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. You just give her a bit of innocuous information to chew on... and get the heck out of the way.

 

You want her to reinvest in the marriage RIGHT NOW. But that's a mistake. She'll only fight you if you push her... so stop pushing.

 

This doesn't need to be resolved today. It's okay to back off a little and give her time to observe your positive changes.

[Gunny376]

Something like 50% of all first time marriages end in divorce (I've read somewhere that its actually dropped some for the first time in a long time)

 

Of the 50% that don't get divorce, many live in a "martial comman" ~ sound familiar? It should because that's what you're living.

 

LS's policy is that you cannot list links ~ so you might want to Goggle Dr. Ellen Kreidman and "Light Her Fire" You can also find her books at the major bookstores. Just check it out, read and learn right now. Don't "shotgun" blast her with your new found "enlightenment" and knowledge. You're just adding to your skill set and understanding right now. Slow, sure, and confident is the way to go.

[ilmw]

You don't.

Your best bet right now is "Plan A", you know... addressing ENs and putting your best foot forward.

 

You'll also want to introduce small doses of reality from time to time, so you can poke some holes in the fantasy bubble. What would your lives really be like if you were divorced? Certainly, your lifestyle would change. So, you feed her little tidbits like that. It's hit-and-run. You don't allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. You just give her a bit of innocuous information to chew on... and get the heck out of the way.

 

You want her to reinvest in the marriage RIGHT NOW. But that's a mistake. She'll only fight you if you push her... so stop pushing.

 

This doesn't need to be resolved today. It's okay to back off a little and give her time to observe your positive changes.

 

Nickels..

I have just gone through 4 months of this...

It is hard....very hard.... very..very hard. But... when my wife moves to her new home with our kids... she will not have 'new negative memories'... just the old ones.. now several months old.

 

If you Plan 'A' smart... you can make a difference. There are of course no "for sures".. but it will make your life and that of your W's easier... meaning no more anger... or other negative interaction. In my situation.. my house hold went from.. "the tension could be cut with a knife" to ... pleasant converstation on the back deck..about her work day.. started by DW.

 

Now that took awhile...but it or my actions have made a difference.. but be smart and consistant

 

If you read more... maybe you have done lots on here.. you will see the term.."Man up" (source..Gunny) In my case.. it meant just that. Be a man about this... no you can't change your W's mind or what she is doing.. so for now..be a man.. and get on with what you can do! Figure it out.. and just do it.

 

Trust me when I say...it this is hard...but it is worth it for your own piece of mind..

 

Be stronge

ilmw

[Nickels]

I am not too familiar with what Plan "A" is but what I have been doing lately is completely backing off and allowing her space. She comes and goes as she pleases, I don't pressure her about anything. I let her know that I am here for her when she wants to talk.

 

Last night we sat on the deck and had some laughs..... I always leave on a good note.... went to watch a movie with the kids and she went to the studio to paint...... she painted the most amazing picture. I was very proud of her and she was as well. We hugged and before bed she gave me a kiss. She seemed a lot happier with herself and that reflected in her openess towards me. I don't know if I am reading in to this, but she gave me a look..... a faint glimer in the eye. I relized that everything she has said to me in the past weeks, not loving me, needing space, really has very little to do with me...... she is unhappy because she is unhappy with herself..... the upbeat person after paintng showed me that. Hopefully this is a start of a new trend.

 

This morning we had a long hug before she went to work, and I told her to have a good day!

 

She hasn't talked about leaving for a long time.....we sleep in the same bed, we cuddle sometimes, she wears her wedding ring everyday, she talks of future plans together, she's in councilling and couples counciling in September..... all these signs tell me she is working on stuff and we will get through this. Yet, she won't give me the satisfaction of telling me this herself. Why ? Is it the control Factor? Is it that she really hasn't made up her mind ? Life in my house in business as usually.... the only thing missing is the emotinal and physical relationship..... that is our distance right now. I am very curious to see what will happen next .

 

I think my wife is fully aware of what divorce will bring her. Debt, pain, struggle etc. She knows this from our nine month seperation three years ago. Two months ago when this started, she wanted to take the kids and move out. She was surprised that I wanted the kids and that I said the kids are not going anywhere. At that time she wanted to leave, but wanted to sit down with the kids and tell them this was a joint decision.... I said that I would not do that..... you are the one with these issues, you are the one with no feelings, you are the one wanting to end this....SORRY, but you are not going to be the HERO in all of this. If this is your decision, then it is all yours. If time and space is what you need, get it here or leave. I told her she is not taking the kids out of the marital home, putting them in a new school, living in low income housing, taking them away from a lifestyle and friends that they love, for an marital issue that can be resolved with some help and the willingness to make this work. SORRY ! This is why I think she decided to stay..... she won't budge and I won't budge.

 

I think know that she sees what we have - a beautiful home, her studio and that she can accomplish what she wants without destroying the family, the kids are happy and well adjusted - and yes the marriage isn't solid, but with some hard work we can make it incredible..... I guess I hope she sees this.... time will tell.

 

Oh.... one more note before I leave...... she was very upset that I just wouldn't support her in taking the kids. I said, you want to end the marriage, take my family out of the home and you want me to support you in this ? Let's look at it.... if I came to you with the same demands, you would role over like a dog and expose your belly..... She said no.... then don't expect it from me. I am happy and comfortable and so are the kids.... just because you have issues and problems doesn't mean you are taking the kids down with you for support.

 

Thanks again to everyone for their support !

[Gunny376]

You go Dawg! You are tha' "Man"

 

Seems to be you've got a pretty good handle on Plan "A" already. With a backup Plan "B" already you just didn't know it!

 

:bunny: :bunny:

[Ladyjane14]

I am not too familiar with what Plan "A" is but

 

 

Dude... you're already doing "Plan A". You could teach classes on it you're doing so good.

 

If you want more info though, type "What are Plan A and Plan B, marriagebuilders" into your browser. It will take you to an article.

[Nickels]

Well here is an update to what has been going on. She srill confirms that she doesn't love me anymore. I think that her feelings have been buried from all the emotions that she has right now. I honestly think that she feels that marriage should all be blissful. She has no friends that are married, so she never gets a perspective of what true mariage is all about. All of her friends are either young and single or divored and single. All are very self centered and live life to the fullest with the lack of responsibilities.... kinda like my wife is right now. She is very self centered and does what ever she wants. I do 95% of everything around the house. I am the one that makes sure the bills are paid on time to doing the grocery shopping to make sure there is food on the table. She leaves for work at 7:00 am and is off at 5:00pm. She always has something to do after work....either works late or goes tanning etc. She arrives at home between 6-7 pm. Spend some play time with the kids unless she needs her alone time.... like last night, spent 5 hours reading a book and totally ignored the family. Anyways, this is the life I have. Between trying to launch a new carreer, making sure the kids are looked after, cleaning the house, building an addition to our home.... she basically does nothing other than tuck the kids in at night. She won't pick up after herself and she waits for weeks to put her clean clothes away that I fold neatly for her. She doesn't love me !!! What a crock of S*** ! Ido everything for that woman and no appreciation.... she says .... I don't ask you to do everything.... I say, that if we both do nothing, then what kind of home do we have our kids live in. She says to relax and it will get done when it gets done. How can I get her to assume some responsibility for our home and our kids ? She acts like a teenage child.... and she tells me that I am the one that needs to grow up.

 

She used to do more in the relationship, but has never really been focussed on one thing for too long.... she says that is the way she is and that I have to accept her for who she is. Let's see..... lazzines.... emotional and borderline physical abuse.... down right nasty..... tells me she doesn't love me and yet won't take her wedding ring off or leave. If she is so unhappy, why is she still here. Why has she agreed to go to counciling ? Why ? Why? Why ? I she just screwing with my head....playing games....she wants to get off of the emotional rollercoaster, but she is in full control of that rollercoaster.

 

This weekend we had purchased tickets to a cabaret. I said that i was treating it as a date and that was fine. But A couple of days before we went to the concert, she invited a girlfriend to meet us there..... and yes a divorced single parent. Anyways I am not that fond of this person as she seems a little on the easy side. I knew the plan to invite her was to take some of the pressure of the alone time away from the wife and I. We went.... but I think her plan kinda back fired. I got a little drunk ( Very rarely do - Maybe once a year if I am lucky), and so did her friend. Turned out that the friend spent the entire evening talking an dancing with me.... I think the wife was a tiny bit put out. Anyways, the next day my wife explains to me that her friend was making passes at me and coming on to me, and that I was an idiot for not noticing. I said that I am oblivious to other women making advances, because my heart belongs to you ! I didn't tell her that 2 other occasions that night, my ass got grabbed. What pisses me off the most is that she hugs everybody.... all her friends that she meets and strangers..... even the bloody doorman at the nightclub. She eroctic dances in front of me with her girlfriend.... it's Like she is rubbing my nose in it constantly. I say nothing and do not show her that it bothers me watching her behave like a horny teenage school girl.

 

To make long into short..... still the same old stuff. Wife wants space, and only closeness if she decides. No sex or any physical relationship..... Just room mates. No communication ever happens, very rarely have any alone time, still booked in for counciling together on the 18th of September.... still wears her wedding ring, no talk of divorce or a legal seperation. She just seems to live her life and ignores me majority of the time. Still talk about future goals sometimes.... no change in that. Usually talk about her work and not very often about mine.

 

What the F*** is going on ? Is my wife sick ? How can I remain in a one sided relationship, where she CLAIMS that she doesn't love me, has absolutely no responsibilites, and is totally self centered to the point of minimal neglect to her children....they have even commented about this ! And she plans on taking care of the kids if the marriage goes that route. How in the hell will she be able to accomplish this. She is evening talking about going back to school.... Where is the money coming from ? She has lost all sense of reality as I see it !

 

I am at a complete loss.... she won't get on board with the marriage and yet she won't get any other decision rolling. I give her all the space she needs. I don't talk about the relationship, I have cut back my affection towards her 95% and basically let her be. No improvement has happened! I am getting really frustrated.... not to mention sexually frustrated. She has mentioned to me that if I want to go out and have an affair, she has given me full permision to do what I need to do. That she will support me in that. What is that.... F***in BullS*** is what ? Crazy, Crazy Lady ! I don't know what planet she is on, but I hope the beer is free. Ha, Ha.

 

All your thoughts and coments are appreciated..... thank you all for your continued support.

 

Nickels

[Nickels]

I screwed up here folks.... need to type something cause I can't figure out how to delete the duplicate posting.

[Gunny376]

is a parasite! A blood-sucking, parasite.

 

WTF? Why are you with this woman?

 

Dude! You can't go wrong by yourself.

 

Better to be alone and be miserable than to be in a relationship with someone such as this and be miserable.

 

What exactally are you getting out of this so-called "marriage?"

 

If it was me, I'd drive her down to the closest Best Western, park the car, and sit in the parking lot, shut up and say nothing. Finally, when she couldn't bare the sileance any longer, and she asked "Why are we here?" I'd tell her, "Well I just thought you might be interested in looking at your new "home"!

 

Don't get me wrong ~ I'm all about "true love" and "forever and ever"

 

I'm not about this business of:

 

"You're job is to work yourself into an early grave, provide for all my want and need, while I lay up on my dead azz till noon, and run up and down the roads, doing whatever I want" or "My money is my money, and your money is mine too!"

 

And, I'm not the kind of guy that believes God put women on the Earth to cook and clean for me. 20 years in the Corps, I know how to do all of that!

 

Kick her to curb, and get you a Hooker once or twice a week. Same difference. Your sex life will improve, you'll have less house to clean. and less laundry to fold!

[Ladyjane14]

I said that I am oblivious to other women making advances, because my heart belongs to you ! I didn't tell her that 2 other occasions that night, my ass got grabbed.

 

 

That is just the sweetest thing. :bunny:

Your wife's a lucky girl. Stupid... but lucky.

 

I recognize a 'rant' when I see one.

You're frustrated, and you damn well have a right to be. But see if you can keep in in idle until you can get to MC. Your wife has alot of growing up to do. That's obvious. But you do have a family together.... so it's worth sticking in just to see what the counselor has to offer. Try not to 'run out of gas' before you get there.

 

You can always divorce her later if she doesn't shape up.

[Gunny376]

That is just the sweetest thing. :bunny:

Your wife's a lucky girl. Stupid... but lucky.

 

I recognize a 'rant' when I see one.

You're frustrated, and you damn well have a right to be. But see if you can keep in in idle until you can get to MC. Your wife has alot of growing up to do. That's obvious. But you do have a family together.... so it's worth sticking in just to see what the counselor has to offer. Try not to 'run out of gas' before you get there.

 

You can always divorce her later if she doesn't shape up.

 

You ROCK!

 

What blew my mind was that you had a mentor! (From DD's thread that you posted!)

[Ozzy1122]

None of us want to face the fact that she is seeing someone else. Trust me I would bet she is. She wants her cake and to munch on it to. Its unfortunate but she is using your denial and desire to fix things as a perch. I believe in Kharma. She will reap what she sows. You should work on your own spiritual program, maybe get involved with church or whatever you see as spiritual development. Show her that you are more than a door mat!

[Nickels]

Thanks Ozzy...... I suspect that there might be someone else in her life.....I have been very watchful of the things she says, phone calls she makes, people that she sees...... my father has helped in this because he thinks she is having an affair. All of her stories check out. Not once have I caught her being dishonest. Now..... she had an affair before.... Once a cheater always a cheater ? I don't know ! What I do know is what my wife went through to heal herself after the first time, and the spiratual growth she has accomplished, I would be floored that she would do that again to herself, nevermind me and the kids. If she has cheated again, it will come out sooner or later and it will definately be over.

 

The thing that makes me suspicious all the time is that the last time this happened, she was such a good lier..... now I wonder all the time and that's why I Check her stories out. If she is..... then I Truely don't know who she was, who she is, or who she will ever be..... the saddest part in all of this is...... neither will she !

 

Right now I live my life trying to put the possibility that she has someone else out of my mind..... she says their isn't. If you want to rebuild trust back into the marriage, one has to accept her answer. if she is lying, she knows what kind of snake she is..... I don't have to tell her.

 

What makes me worry is all the signs that happened before are happening again. From before.....were the signs a result of a bad marriage or the affair that brought on her behavior ( emotional distance, no sex, just friends) etc.? ...... to corelate to what is happening now..... she says there is no affair or anyone else in her life, therefore is her behavior a result of her emotions within our marital relationship ? I would have to say yes ! I am getting the same behavior now. I think the affair was a way for her to escape the way our relationship was. She is a lot stronger than that now..... I hope. I don't know..... this is my theory.... I have been known to be wrong once or twice in my life...... On the other hand maybe I am trying to convince myself she isn't having another affair.

 

What I Have to leave you with is that she says she is not having an affair..... trust has been an issue for both of us, and if there is going to be any change in our marriage it has to start with me. I choose to trust her answers.

 

Thanks Ozzy for the comment, and advice..... you made me look a little deeper..... you helped me gain some clarity in what has to happen within me.

 

I truely thank you for that !

[luvstarved]

Man o man! I don't see marriage counseling going anywhere, but you never know I guess. Several things really struck me hard in this thread. First was when she said she would not repeat an affair because she wouldn't do that "to herself again". HERSELF? WTF about what it did to YOU and your CHILDREN?

 

Then, that she could "be happy in any situation". As though her happiness is the only consideration! In her mind, I think it is.

 

Then, stating that she does not love you. Take her at her word. People don't generally say that without meaning it, unless in the wild heat of anger.

 

I tried to sympathize with her a bit early in the thread. I am also at a point in life where I am trying to do more for myself and doing some self-discovery, but that is because I have spent the last 10 years doing nothing but working and taking care of my family's needs.

 

But there has to be some kind of balance. This woman is selfish as hell, is seriously taking advantage of you, and you are allowing it to happen. I think you need to stiffen your spine and force a resolution to this. To me, the worst is that she not only does not love you, but apparently just doesn't give a damn about your feelings at all! I have been through divorce and other relationship breakups, and when it is my idea, I at least try to make it easier on the other person, respect their feelings, try not to give them any false hopes, etc. She seems perfectly content to indulge herself and leave you in limbo, with the full knowledge that it is tearing you apart. Let me put it this way: SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

 

If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer to get advice on what your options are. She has not left the house, but she has left the marriage. To some extent, I think, well, it's just a house vs your happiness, get out yourself and get on with life. But, on the other hand, you are right. She is the one who wants "out". Why should you be the one to leave?

 

I really think that this will just continue on until she does eventually decide she's found a better living situation (maybe a new man, or a financial windfall, whatever) and at that point she WILL leave. Why should your life stay stuck in neutral waiting for that day? You are wasting your life to support letting her do whatever she wants with hers. That's just wrong. You deserve better, and I think that no matter how difficult the transition might be, your life can only stand to get better when she is out of it.

[Nickels]

If I am to take action..... given my situation..... What do I do.... and not lose my house and my kids. ?

 

I agree my wife needs a dose of reality..... She needs to wake the F**k up !

 

Things were good for a couple of days and then today, back to the same old BS.... I don't love you, when are you going to get it etc !

 

Still booked in for counciling.... but she has told me that its clarity on how to live together in a one sided relationship for the kids. She has no problem caring this charade for the next 12 years until the kids are all out of the house.

 

BS

 

What do I do ?

[Ladyjane14]

Still booked in for counciling.... but she has told me that its clarity on how to live together in a one sided relationship for the kids. She has no problem caring this charade for the next 12 years until the kids are all out of the house.

 

That might be her 'plan' and that's all well and fine, but HERE's the fly in the ointment..... she needs YOU to cooperate with that in order for it to work.

 

You can always opt to divorce her instead. That's your decision to make and not hers. You aren't obliged to agree to live in a loveless marriage, nor should you. So at the end of the day, "clarity on how to live together in a one sided relationship for the kids" is a fairly meaningless bit of "fog-babble". It's not realistic, and it ain't gonna happen.

 

Remain noncommittal for now. Keep up your Plan A. Get into counseling. Doing these things will buy you some time while YOU are evaluating the worth of the marriage. Losing patience with the process might force a default decision upon you, so don't let her 'yank your chain'. Remember... If you are not in control of your emotions, then your emotions are in control of YOU.

[Nickels]

Last night at the end of our conversation I said, " we are going to counciling, because we need help, we need intervention, we are going to work on this relationship for the your sake, my sake and for the sake of the children. It will be a long road, not a quick fix.... I am willing to devote the time and since you are here, you might as well get on board with this..... things will work out and we will get back on track. She said nothing. This morning, she cuddled, hugged and kissed me. THere was a function where she works and she wanted the kids to be involved. By the time I got there later in the morning, she again was cold towards me. I don't understand the up and downs..... Why? On one hand I hear what she says about not loving me and wanting out, but on the other hand I don't think she is thinking all that clear.... she says she is and has never been more clear. Why push me away and then the next moment allow me to be close?

[Nickels]

That might be her 'plan' and that's all well and fine, but HERE's the fly in the ointment..... she needs YOU to cooperate with that in order for it to work.

 

She knows that I won't cooperate with that..... and she won't cooperate with me..... like I said we are stale mated! I pray to god that this councilor will make the difference at breaking down the walls she has and open communication again.... and in time regain the love, trust, romance and intamicy. What do you think.... is this too high an expectation to put on one councelor ? My thought is, if the wife is not WILLING, then any road we take is futile. She keeps telling me that if she decides to focus on the marriage that it will be her choice and not mine.....HELLO ! YEAH ! I know this.... but when is the decision to do something.... anything ....going to happen ! This Limbo is BS.

 

Is it time to give her a reality check....Call her bluff and let her walk out the door with the kids... ( that may back fire onto me ). Should I seek council ?

 

I can remain noncommittal..... it might be hard.... but I will give it my best shot. I am booked into see her councelor, as a pre meeting to our joint session coming up. Are there any questions that I should ask the counselor or let her know the route that I would like to see the sessions go. I don't know if this person will help or hinder my situation. It really is a last ditch effort, and I am frightened at what the outcome might be.

[Yamaha]

She keeps telling me that if she decides to focus on the marriage that it will be her choice and not mine.....

 

 

If she keeps this attitude, there will come a point that you will have to decide if the marriage is worth it. She thinks that she is in control of you and what she wants. Since you love her and want it to work she is using your commitment. If that commitment changes the little world she has created is up in smoke. You really are holding the cards. Any person can only try so long before you have to make a decision.

 

I would continue with the counseling and if she continues with the same attitude then you are at the crossroads.

[Ladyjane14]

I pray to god that this councilor will make the difference at breaking down the walls she has and open communication again.... and in time regain the love, trust, romance and intamicy. What do you think.... is this too high an expectation to put on one councelor ?

 

No, it's not too high of an expectation as an eventual goal. You just can't expect it to happen overnight, that's all. It's going to take some time to get all that accomplished. Your communications process needs to be rebuilt and THEN... you can start working on the issues. Being patient with the process is all you can do. You can't rush it along.

 

My thought is, if the wife is not WILLING, then any road we take is futile.

 

There's 'the truth'... and then there's 'the truth of the moment', right?

The truth of the moment last night had your wife behaving warmly to you. Her truth of the moment today has her behaving coldly. What this tells you is that a good portion of the problem lies with her and her moods. You can't take it personally if the other guy doesn't have their sh*t together. At that point it's not about you... it's about them.

 

She keeps telling me that if she decides to focus on the marriage that it will be her choice and not mine.....HELLO ! YEAH ! I know this.... but when is the decision to do something.... anything ....going to happen ! This Limbo is BS.

 

Is it time to give her a reality check....Call her bluff and let her walk out the door with the kids... ( that may back fire onto me ). Should I seek council ?

 

Again.... be patient. She's a bucking bronco, so ride it out Cowboy.

She's not hearing what she wants to hear from you. That's all it is. She's protesting because she wants you to give her what she thinks she wants.

 

I'm not going to lie to you.... sometimes a woman really is DONE. But when that's the case, the woman who's "done" is going to get up off her ass and do something about it. This girl's still in b*tching and whining mode. That makes me think she isn't quite there yet.

 

Are there any questions that I should ask the counselor or let her know the route that I would like to see the sessions go. I don't know if this person will help or hinder my situation. It really is a last ditch effort, and I am frightened at what the outcome might be.

 

Just be yourself and be HONEST. You're paying this person to help you solve the problems. The data provided to him/her needs to be accurate if you're going to get your money's worth.

[luvstarved]

I respectfully disagree with the post that the wife is holding out for what she wants and that Nickels just needs to be patient. He has shown the patience of Job already if you ask me.

 

Yes there are "truths of the moment" and then there is this "clarity" she talks about. Unless her "mood swings" are due to a mental health issue, then I think it is just a case of her trying to have her cake and eat it, too. Since Nickels seems to have facilitated this so well for her, why should she not just take her time and go with her own whims?

 

I repeat that he should TALK TO A LAWYER. Tell him the situation...fine, that he does not want a divorce and neither does his wife, but that she has stated her intention to coexist in loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Frankly, that sounds like BS too. She might love her kids, but I think that rarely, if ever, does bringing kids up in a loveless household with a self-indulgent mother and emotionally torn up father present a positive role model for relationships that they will carry over into their adulthood. And tell the lawyer about the affair. Even if you don't want to use it against her, the lawyer could tell you how much weight it could potentially have in a custody battle.

 

Talking to a lawyer does not equal filing for divorce. But I think it is important for him to know where he stands. He has given over all the real power to her. If he finds that, legally, he can wield some power, it might give him the strength to stand up to her. Honestly, I think that the only way to find out what real cards she is holding is to call her bluff! Think about it...it doesn't always happen that the woman gets custody. They look at things like: who had the affair (even though 3 years ago), who is more stable, who takes care of the nuts and bolts, etc. I would also suggest he make a point of being SEEN the most taking care of the children, take them to their doctor's appointments and such. The court will look at the big picture and place the kids in the situation in which they will have the most safety and stability and I have definitely seen them choose the man much more often these days.

 

I really feel for ya, Nickels. I want you to get past this. You can. I don't think that she will do anything to change the status quo unless it is to decide to leave on her own. Right now she's happily having it both ways. If you don't want the additional pain of being left in the end, after all your hopes and attempts and patience, get thee to a lawyer. Trust me, if she thinks a divorce is in the offing and that you aren't going to roll over and let her "win", her true colors will come out. And you NEED to see them.

 

And if the lawyer tells you are screwed and likely to lose your house and custody if you file, you still have the option of maintaining things as they are. But, I don't think that's what you will hear.

 

Best wishes, keep us posted.