Wife Wants Space !!!

[Nickels]

HI All...... well things are about the same. I have backed off, but still have the yo yo effect. Some days closer, other days farther away. Still has her wedding ring on and we are srill booked in for counciling.

 

Went to my preliminary session with her counseler before we go together. Didn't get a cartwheel feeling from her.... noticed she zoned out a couple of times. My wife likes her and I GUESS, that's all that really matters. Anyways, the counciler said that she is going to ask us both once question. "If we want to work on the marriage"..... if the answers are the same "yes", then off we go to recovery..... if the answer is "no"..... then we stop right there, or we take the sessions in another direction...... to seperate amicably. I don't know if I should source another counciler or not.... I still have a couple weeks before we both go.

 

Under the advice of the forum and a close personal friend, I made a call to a lawyer.....this lawyer is said to be one of the meanest ones out there, and that he wins almost all of his cases. I called and they wouldn't let me see him, as my wife beat me to him 2 weks ago.

 

I confronted my wife..... have you seen a lawyer?....."no" she says...... Have you retained a Lawyer? "No" she says. "what is this all about", she asks..... so I told her...... and I caught her in a lie. She said that she went to him for some answers to her questions. I asked if she was persuing a legal seperation or divorce..... she said no. Can I trust her? Can I trust that she says she's not having an affair? I asked where she got the money? She said that she got $160.00 for the consultation from somebody and I didn't have to know who it was from...... my guess a family member, or close friend.

 

I explained that how are we to go to counciling together if she has a lawyer hanging over head. She did not answer. She asked why I had called this lawyer, and I said that I needed some answers for myself..... that this stress of not knowing that you are going to walk out with my kids is taking it's toll..... that the marriage situation is taking it's toll.

 

I continued to tell her that I would not see a lawyer myself, if she was telling me the truth and that it was just a Q and A sesion. That if she is currently not moving forward with any plans, then I as well as her should focus on the counciling. She said that she is not moving forward with anything. Should I still see a lawyer behind her back? Do I become the same person she's showing me now? She told me that she doesn't believe my storey, that there is more to this and she thinks that I am seeing a lawyer or will see a lawyer. I said, this is what I have told you, this is the truth, it is not up to me to convince her.

 

I have played this one very well..... calm, cool, colected. Have not brought it up again, and as far as she knows it is on the back burner for me. I think that I have really thrown her back..... she doesn't know what to expect.

 

But....... in reality, it is on my mind..... another chunk of my trust has been taken again. I feel like I should talk to her again about it, but I wanted some input before I do that, or if I should at all. Trust is not there, and I certainly don't want to be caught off guard, and I don't want to go against my word either. now I am torn again with a decison.

 

If I don't do anything, can she take my kids to her mothers for example,or, lock me out of my own house? Can she slap a legal document in front of me? Will I have time to get advice at that time, or will I be screwed.

 

Still in LIMBO !

 

Thanks again guys !

[Kinger25]

SEE A LAWYER BEHIND HER BACK

 

I know its harsh but it sounds to me like she's playing you a treat. You said yourself the trust has gone. That would be enough for me to say do something about this. You have to be careful or may end up getting screwed left right and centre. Keep it the way that you have, cool and calm, but be on your guard and get youself a backup plan in case she has pursued with hers

 

You have legal rights and NO she cannot just TAKE the kids away from you. I mean yes, she probably could temporarily but not for good. You have as much right to be with those children as she does.

 

I am a woman and she sounds slippery. BE CAREFUL.

 

Not too mcuh more I can say but just as a little thought for you

[Gunny376]

You're being set~up. Having gone through this once before ~ and going back over and reading your thread from start to finish ~ this is classic behavior. She's biding time for some reason, and when she's got all her ducks lined up ~ BAM! It won't be pretty, and it won't be fun. And, before you realize it ~ she and her shark of a lawyer have thrown you under the bus.

 

She initially doesn't wand to go to coucialing, but then changes her mind ~ and then two weeks ago (about the time of your first post though) she consults with the meanest toughest D shark of a lawyer around? Hmmmmmm?

 

She can't do anything what you don't let her do. About all she can do is to leave ~ and that doesn't necassarly mean taking the children with her.

And even then, you'll just about have to let her.

 

I'd talk to a para-legal or legal aid that isn't an attorney. That way you get your answers without breaking your promise. You can also find out most of what you need to know on line.

 

About the only way for her to lock you out of your home is if she ups and lies and claims spousal abuse ~ and the judge issues a temporary court order.

 

Her taking the children to her Mom's ~ that can be a little tricky. Legally she can't remove the children from the marital home without your permission. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

[Gunny376]

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/

http://www.divorcecoachfordads.com/contact.htm

http://www.divorcesource.com/webcart/divorceddads.html

http://www.dadsdivorcekc.com/

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all- not sure if I have posted to you.

 

My take on her going back and forth?? A couple of things-

 

When she's not in contact with OM (who more than likely told her about the attorney and gave her the consult fee) she's swinging back towards you. But the minute he calls her or contacts her and things are hunky dory then she's back to being cold and steadfast. Another reason- she's trying to lull you into a false sense of security- the fact that she saw the attorney behind your back and someone else paid for it so as to not show a trace- and then she lied about it should tell you that. Last reason- she is still getting some of her emotional needs met by you. But she is still wanting some to be met by her OM.

 

I would bet anything that there is a OM. Don't kid yourself that you have such a hard line on her that she can't. Because work can be a great place to have an affair- work emails- etc. Check her cell phone bill- you can get access to that online probably. Most women don't up and tell their husband they want a divorce unless another man is lined up. They just don't- unless the husband is abusive or into drinking or drugs. How do I know?? Because I've been the cheating wife. All of those lines I said myself. They all say the same things- it's the cheaters script! And boy, I thought my lines were original!!!

 

All of her errands she runs after work?? Yup, to me that says I don't want to be at home and she could be meeting OM.

 

What about borrowing a friends car after work one day and following her?? Get your dad to watch the kids. You get off early- borrow a friends car. Follow her. You may get the answers to your questions.

 

Now, as far as everything goes. She is the one who wants out- she is the one who is not taking care of the kids- why should you give up custody??

 

If she wants to move out she can do so without them! You take care of them anyways!

 

Marriage counseling is a start. Have you checked out marriage builders??

Your wife is in a state of withdrawal from you in a way and under the extreme addiction of an affair. On their website there is a section for the three stages of marriage. Check it out. Withdrawal is stage 3.

 

Your goal during this time is to Plan A her- fill her love bank. By communicating to her that you love her and are willing to do what it takes to save the marriage.

 

There is also exposure of the affair and lots of other tips on the site.

 

I suggest "Love Must be tough" by James Dobson as well as reading material. That will help you understand what you need to do.

 

Be sure to take care of yourself during this time- exercise and get some fresh air. Make sure you're sleeping.

[Gunny376]

• Clean out the bank account or safety deposit box.

 

• Max out the credit cards.

 

• Steal the furniture and run off with the cash.

 

• Falsely claim physical abuse.

 

• Falsely claim physical or sexual abuse towards your children.

 

• Get a restraining order against you based on false allegations.

 

• Leave with the kids unannounced and no forwarding.

 

• Use financial issues to gain leverage with custody or child-centered issues.

 

• File a petition to keep you out of your own home.

 

• Spread nasty lies and badmouth you in front of mutual friends.

 

• Move out of state and take your child, claiming that it is in the "best interest of the child," even when the real motive is revenge.

 

• Withhold or interfere with your visitation rights.

 

• Turn your children against you through lies and distortion.

 

• File motions and use delay tactics to tie you up in court and drain your finances.

 

• Force you to move out of the house through harassment and coercion, and then petition the court claiming you have “abandoned your family."

 

• Claim that child support was not received on time or at all.

 

Involve others in malicious actions against you.

 

• Deny you telephone access with your child.

 

• Interfere with your participating in your child’s school and other recreational activities.

 

• Use your mutual or, unsuspecting “friends” to get inside information to use against you in court or even turn them into unwitting spies.

 

• Withhold important information about your child’s health or well-being.

 

The tactics above are used all the time to frustrate, outmaneuver, gain legal control, and wear fathers down.

[Ladyjane14]

.... the counciler said that she is going to ask us both once question. "If we want to work on the marriage"..... if the answers are the same "yes", then off we go to recovery..... if the answer is "no"..... then we stop right there, or we take the sessions in another direction...... to seperate amicably.

 

So... if your wife says 'no', my best advice to you is to thank the counselor for her time and LEAVE.

 

As long as your preference is to reconcile the marriage, your best bet is to stick to your guns and refuse to take it "in another direction". As long as 'marriage' is what you want, then don't talk 'divorce' with the WW. If and when the time comes... you'll have an attorney to do your talking for you concerning divorce issues.

 

 

.....She asked why I had called this lawyer, and I said that I needed some answers for myself..... that this stress of not knowing that you are going to walk out with my kids is taking it's toll..... that the marriage situation is taking it's toll.

 

....She told me that she doesn't believe my storey, that there is more to this and she thinks that I am seeing a lawyer or will see a lawyer. I said, this is what I have told you, this is the truth, it is not up to me to convince her.

 

 

To begin with... OMG!!! What utter gall the woman has that she can look you right in the face, doubt the verasity of your explanation, all the while you JUST BUSTED HER LYING!

You can't trust her any further than you can pick her up and throw her right now, I hope you know that.

 

You don't OWE her any explanations, btw. She's not your boss. She's not you mama. She's not a court of law. You could have just left her guessing about how you knew she saw an attorney. It's not incumbant upon you to answer her questions. It's perfectly okay to play your cards close to your chest right now.

 

So, when she questioned you about how you knew... it would've been good enough just to say, "What difference does it make how I know? YOU just sat here and lied to my face. You must've had a REASON for doing that, so what exactly was it?" That would've dumped the question back off in her lap, and left her wondering how much more you might know.

 

I think what's most likely to happen here is that you'll get into MC, the wife will balk and want to "take it in another direction" towards amicable divorce. And like I told you earlier.... you can just as easily thank the counselor for her time and leave.

 

MC is a waste of your time and money at that point. The possibility of it leaving you with an in-road towards reconciliation comes at great cost in that situation, because you have to completely compromise your boundaries in order to keep whatever faint hope there is alive. There's nothing being asked of WW if the counseling is geared toward amicable divorce.

 

Anyway, when that happens.... THAT's the time to let her know that you'll be engaging an attorney to protect your interests.

Her agenda will be in PLAIN VIEW by then. So, just look her right in the eye and call her on it. There's no reason for YOU to sneak. Sounds like WW is doing enough "sneaking" for both of you.

[luvstarved]

OMG!!!!! Are you friggin' KIDDING me?

 

The lawyer has no obligation to not represent you unless SHE has RETAINED him, which is to say, gone beyond a "Q & A" session. So I would check back and ask about this. And she would have needed more than $160 for a retainer...

 

I am sorry to have to say this so loudly, but YOU ARE BEING HER DOORMAT AND SHE IS GOING TO NAIL YOU TO THE FLOOR if you don't wise up! I agree with the poster who says that she is biding her time, getting all organized to slam you. PLEASE don't wait for that to happen. I know that you don't want this, but you just have to face the facts and protect yourself and your children.

 

I can't believe that you caught her in a huge lie about seeing a lawyer, and end up virtually apologizing for seeing one yourself. I don't care WHAT you promised her, the trust is gone and you owe her nothing. Call this lawyer back and say you want to retain him or find another one.

 

It kind of sounds like you have no fight in you, but from reading through this whole thread, there is not a chance in hell that she is working on anything but getting OUT of the marriage, in practical if not legal terms. Please do the right thing and take care of yourself. Let her leave if she wants to.

 

And PLEASE take some time consider your position in the event of a legal battle. I suspect that she is doing little else. In fact, if I were you, I would be very careful about what I said and did around her...you might want to avoid being alone with her at all...

 

Jeez, I feel for you. You seem like such a nice guy. Please keep us posted.

[luvstarved]

I also wanted to say that if you don't know whether there is an OM, I certainly don't...however, the hot and cold toward you is pretty standard "hedging her bets" behavior, usually employed when a woman wants a commitment from OM and isn't getting it. Often because she is the OW. Just food for thought.

[Gunny376]

And, I'm not trying to project my own personal life experieces onto your situation ~ but I just can't help but feel you're being set up for an ambush here. Everything about this, makes me think, and feel so.

 

Ambushes are tricky things. The key is to not letting "them" know that "you" know that its an ambush and that you're prepared for it.

 

Luvstarved is right and has some good points ~ but the one that screams is that she's retained an attorney ~ and not just a Q&A session. You need to take appropirate acton STAT!

[luvstarved]

Hey,

 

I just reread a good portion of this thread and it seems to me that it is a very good possibility that she is biding her time to try to bolster her position for gaining custody of the kids. It sounds as though if you supported her in taking the kids, she would be out of there already...

 

I am also suspicious of this "friend" of hers who was flirting with you. Made me wonder whether she wasn't trying to get YOU to do something stupid so she could use it against you. Right now, her 9 month departure and affair put her in a BAD position to be the custodial parent. She might be trying to negate that. Plus, a more recent offense would be a worse offense to the courts. If this was an intentional setup, then it is was a really dirty trick. A REALLY DIRTY TRICK.

 

From everything I have read, I do believe that you are the one doing the lion's share of domestic and parenting work. Unfortunately, what goes on behind closed doors is invisible to the rest of the world. I would be very conscious of my "public persona". When I had a divorce, questions like, "who takes the kids to their doctor's appointments", etc came up. If you are not already, make sure you are the "go to" parent from the outside world's point of view.

 

Honestly, I think you are in a great position to win a custody battle from what you have written here. If you keep your cool, quietly see a lawyer and perhaps even do a preemptive strike, you will be doing the best thing for you and your children.

 

I can tell that you do not want to be cagey and evasive and that you are trying to have an open and honest dialog with the woman that you love and you are to be commended for all of that. But it seems that she has already left the marriage for all practical purposes.

 

Dude! I know you want things to work...but do you REALLY think you can ever be happy with her at this point? Even if it WERE an option?

 

You can probably tell that many of us here are concerned for you. Please keep us posted.

 

Best...

luvstarved

[Mz. Pixie]

Personally I believe that the $160.00 was for a consultation. In a smaller town that might be a reasonable fee. I paid $200 for my first one.

 

In a smaller town the guy probably couldn't talk with OP too because he already knew facts of the case. Unless she has retained him.

 

My advice to OP is to ask around town. Get the skinny on who likes to go up against the guy that the WW retained or talked to. Then go and retain that person. Be sure to tell them that WW is using "so and so" . Preferably someone who doesn't care for WW's attorney and loves to go up against him. But don't take the attorney's word for it because that is how I got screwed. Go with what info you can get from other people.

[Gunny376]

Personally I believe that the $160.00 was for a consultation. In a smaller town that might be a reasonable fee. I paid $200 for my first one.

 

But don't take the attorney's word for it because that is how I got screwed. Go with what info you can get from other people.

 

 

I thought your divorce decree said you had to pay both your XH and me monthly maintenance!

 

Where's my money?

[luvstarved]

I'm just giving this a bump because I am wondering what is going on...

[Nickels]

I have been really busy with work..... a lot has changed in the last few days for the better, but yesterday after her returning to work after a great long weekend together..... she is back to the same old person. Can't put my finger on it. Very disheartening. I will try a little later to explain my situation, when I have beter alone time.

 

Type at you later.