Should I worry or not?

[QWERTY]

Hello. Here's my story, and I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.

 

I was involved with a married woman (I was single) in my young and stupid days (a few years ago), and she was about to leave her husband for me until her husband threatened to take her children away from her if she did. She wasn't very happy in her marriage, and her husband was emotionally abusive to her and made her feel that she wouldn't be able to survive on her own.

 

A few months ago, she got in touch with me. She told me that she and her husband had recently split up (about eight months ago now). I still carried a torch for this woman, and asked her out. Fast forward a few months, and we're now in a relationship together.

 

I'm ashamed that I got involved with her when she was married, but this woman and I shared (and still share) a connection that I've never experienced before. We can talk for five hours on the phone, and I miss her if I'm away from her for even a day. We're very happy when we're together, and our relationship so far has been very fun, respectful and passionate. I definitely see her as a woman I could spend the rest of my life with.

 

However, she never really talked about why her and her husband split up. She said that she had changed as a person and that he couldn't handle it, but she didn't offer much more than that and I didn't push her. She also told me that she had been seeing someone after her split, but that it was a big mistake and that she wished it never happened.

 

Last week, I had a dream about this other person, in which she told me that she had actually been seeing him before her and her husband split up and that she had been seeing him up until the point that she and I started dating. I woke up feeling very anxious, and decided to tell her about it the next morning.

 

When I told her, she confessed to me that she had started seeing this other man while she was married, and that her husband had left her because of it. She also told me that she had been seeing him up until the point that we started going out, although she had been miserable about the relationship the whole time she was with him because he was a married man. She said she was just too messed up from her failed marriage to end it, because she was scared of being alone. She also said this other guy was taking advantage of her vulnerable state. She told me she feels very guilty about how her marriage ended, and that it was such a horrible and painful experience that she would never cheat again.

 

I have a history of bad relationships, most of which involve my exes either cheating or having close male friendships that made me uncomfortable (and justifiably so I think -- they usually ended up in a relationship with these "friends" after we broke up). These experiences have made me insecure, but also have taught me how to know when something isn't right in the relationship. I had a feeling that there was something big that my current girlfriend wasn't telling me (hence the dream), and now that she has, I have to admit I'm feeling quite anxious about my relationship with her.

 

I do believe that she's being sincere when she says that she never wants to cheat again. She was very unhappy in her marriage, and I know that she's much happier in her relationship with me because I treat her well. But that expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" keeps popping in my head. It's easy to say you won't cheat when things are going well, but I've learned it's often a different story if the person is getting bored, or there are problems in the relationship, or if someone really interesting comes into her or his life.

 

She also told a couple of small lies (e.g. that she hasn't used condoms in a long time, although she's now admitted that she used them with the other guy a few months ago), which has me pretty worried too. Not telling me about what happened is one thing, but her lying so that she wouldn't have to tell me what happened really worries me.

 

So I'm torn. I'm so happy when I'm with her, and if it wasn't for this unfortunate business I would say she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to believe that she only cheated because she was so unhappy, and that that won't happen with us if our relationship is healthy. But the story, and those couple of lies she told, are making me wonder if this is the same type of bad relationship that I've been trying to escape from.

 

Do I give this woman a chance, and wait and see if her cheating was really just a result of her miserable marriage? Or do I break up with her, knowing that I'll always regret not giving us a chance? My inclination right now is to stay and give her a chance, but I can't stop thinking about her story, and about what could happen in our relationship in the future.

 

Sorry this is so long, and thank you for any advice you can give.

[Cliche23]

I think you should take a look and see how you guys got together, she cheated. You don't think that she would do the same. What if one day she wakes and feels she's unhappy with you, will she cheat? Don't get me wrong some people do change, but the fact that she cheated on her husband with someone else. That's a tricky on there. If you are going to continue on with this relationship always keep your ears and eyes completely open don't be blinded by love, or whatever she gives you. Be careful, keep us posted.

[whichwayisup]

That's a tough situation you're in. You love her, want her and things are good, but the trust really isn't fully there - because of her cheating on her husband (with you and someone else). The fears are there...

 

I will add, maybe she needs to be by herself for a while. Ending a marriage, then seeing someone else, then bouncing to you so fast doesn't leave alot of room for her to sort out her feelings and learn how to be alone, become independant.

[xxrubyredxx]

So she cheated twice on her H, with someone else, then you and now you are wondering if you can trust that she won't ever cheat on you.

 

Once upon a time, she probably told her ex H, that she'd love him forever and would never ever cheat on him either.

 

Personally I wouldn't touch someone with a track record of cheating, with a bargepole. I'm a believer in the old adage, 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.....been there, done that and worn the 'glutton for punishment' t-shirt.

 

Sorry for not being any more help. All I can say is, is that if you really want to be with her, you are going to have to live with the risk that she may cheat on you eventually and further down the line. Meanwhile, you are going to have to learn to trust her, until she gives you cause for concern that she may be cheating.....because without trust, you are wasting your time going any further with her. Without trust, you will worry yourself sick, everytime she goes out of the door without you. You will find yourself checking her cell phone, going through her things, checking up on her to see if shes where, she said she is going to be.

 

Not a nice way to live!

[QWERTY]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

She's decided to go for counselling, to help her understand why she's always gotten involved in bad relationships. I'm taking it as a good sign that she wants to make changes in her life.

 

I think what it comes down to is why she cheated -- was it 1) because she was miserable in her marriage but was too afraid to end it and be on her own (especially since her husband told her things like "you could never make it on your own"), or was it 2) because she can't be happy with just one person?

 

I know she believes it's #1, and I believe in her enough to stay and see what happens. It's a big risk for me, and I know trust is always going to be an issue, but because of how strongly I feel about her I would rather stay and find out later that she's still a cheater than leave her now and always wonder if we could have been happy together.

[nicki]

People sometimes use another person to pull them out of a bad marriage, especially when the other spouse is abusive.

 

I'm not saying it's okay, but I can see where it might happen. Abused people don't think clearly. They will hook on to any security they can find. They don't feel strong enough on their own.

 

If this woman had an affair for years and stayed with the husband, then it would be one thing. But, if she was weak because of the abuse, slept with someone, and then immediately left her husband because she knew it was wrong, well....I might cut her some slack....even though she would still need counseling.

 

Bottom line, she needs counseling to help her be a strong person on her own, capable of finding love with someone who is truly available, not abusive in any way. Then she will be able to fully join you in a partnership.

 

Go to couples counseling as well so you can learn to interact in healthy ways. She doesn't know how to do that yet, either.

 

Good luck. Let her know that honesty is required for you to be with her. I'd leave if she continued to be dysfunctional and wasn't making progress.

[mental_traveller]

It all depends on her marital situation. Personally I see nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else if your husband/wife has become seriously abusive to you and continues in this vein for a lengthy period of time, making no effort to change. Some things are beyond the pale, and beating or constantly harrassing someone falls into that category, so then the gloves are off and they rescind all rights to being treated fairly. Getting a divorce first is obviously much better, but some people for whatever reason lack the spine to do it (they are often scared of the reaction, or being alone, with little money etc). It's a totally different situation to if the husband/wife is simply neglecting something or occasionally losing their temper, being boring or whatever. Then the spouse has an obligation to at least tell them the problems, try to work it out or file for a divorce first before screwing around.

 

So in your case, you aren't planning on being emotionally abusive to her, so I don't see why she'd cheat on you. Her past pattern only says that she will cheat when abused for years, rather than get a divorce first. In any case where she is not being abused, then there is no indicaiton from her behaviour that she will cheat. Given that you seem to have a good relationship, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and go for it. However, you must make it absolutely clear that if she ever does that with you, she is out the door straight away and never coming back. Insist that if she has a problem with you, she tells you instead of hiding it.

[Guest]

Hello. Here's my story, and I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.

 

I was involved with a married woman (I was single) in my young and stupid days (a few years ago), and she was about to leave her husband for me until her husband threatened to take her children away from her if she did. She wasn't very happy in her marriage, and her husband was emotionally abusive to her and made her feel that she wouldn't be able to survive on her own.

 

A few months ago, she got in touch with me. She told me that she and her husband had recently split up (about eight months ago now). I still carried a torch for this woman, and asked her out. Fast forward a few months, and we're now in a relationship together.

 

I'm ashamed that I got involved with her when she was married, but this woman and I shared (and still share) a connection that I've never experienced before. We can talk for five hours on the phone, and I miss her if I'm away from her for even a day. We're very happy when we're together, and our relationship so far has been very fun, respectful and passionate. I definitely see her as a woman I could spend the rest of my life with.

 

However, she never really talked about why her and her husband split up. She said that she had changed as a person and that he couldn't handle it, but she didn't offer much more than that and I didn't push her. She also told me that she had been seeing someone after her split, but that it was a big mistake and that she wished it never happened.

 

Last week, I had a dream about this other person, in which she told me that she had actually been seeing him before her and her husband split up and that she had been seeing him up until the point that she and I started dating. I woke up feeling very anxious, and decided to tell her about it the next morning.

 

When I told her, she confessed to me that she had started seeing this other man while she was married, and that her husband had left her because of it. She also told me that she had been seeing him up until the point that we started going out, although she had been miserable about the relationship the whole time she was with him because he was a married man. She said she was just too messed up from her failed marriage to end it, because she was scared of being alone. She also said this other guy was taking advantage of her vulnerable state. She told me she feels very guilty about how her marriage ended, and that it was such a horrible and painful experience that she would never cheat again.

 

I have a history of bad relationships, most of which involve my exes either cheating or having close male friendships that made me uncomfortable (and justifiably so I think -- they usually ended up in a relationship with these "friends" after we broke up). These experiences have made me insecure, but also have taught me how to know when something isn't right in the relationship. I had a feeling that there was something big that my current girlfriend wasn't telling me (hence the dream), and now that she has, I have to admit I'm feeling quite anxious about my relationship with her.

 

I do believe that she's being sincere when she says that she never wants to cheat again. She was very unhappy in her marriage, and I know that she's much happier in her relationship with me because I treat her well. But that expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" keeps popping in my head. It's easy to say you won't cheat when things are going well, but I've learned it's often a different story if the person is getting bored, or there are problems in the relationship, or if someone really interesting comes into her or his life.

 

She also told a couple of small lies (e.g. that she hasn't used condoms in a long time, although she's now admitted that she used them with the other guy a few months ago), which has me pretty worried too. Not telling me about what happened is one thing, but her lying so that she wouldn't have to tell me what happened really worries me.

 

So I'm torn. I'm so happy when I'm with her, and if it wasn't for this unfortunate business I would say she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to believe that she only cheated because she was so unhappy, and that that won't happen with us if our relationship is healthy. But the story, and those couple of lies she told, are making me wonder if this is the same type of bad relationship that I've been trying to escape from.

 

Do I give this woman a chance, and wait and see if her cheating was really just a result of her miserable marriage? Or do I break up with her, knowing that I'll always regret not giving us a chance? My inclination right now is to stay and give her a chance, but I can't stop thinking about her story, and about what could happen in our relationship in the future.

 

Sorry this is so long, and thank you for any advice you can give.

 

do whay u what to do u liker then be with her

[mental_traveller]

It all depends on her marital situation. Personally I see nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else if your husband/wife has become seriously abusive to you and continues in this vein for a lengthy period of time, making no effort to change. Some things are beyond the pale, and beating or constantly harrassing someone falls into that category, so then the gloves are off and they rescind all rights to being treated fairly. Getting a divorce first is obviously much better, but some people for whatever reason lack the spine to do it (they are often scared of the reaction, or being alone, with little money etc). It's a totally different situation to if the husband/wife is simply neglecting something or occasionally losing their temper, being boring or whatever. Then the spouse has an obligation to at least tell them the problems, try to work it out or file for a divorce first before screwing around.

 

So in your case, you aren't planning on being emotionally abusive to her, so I don't see why she'd cheat on you. Her past pattern only says that she will cheat when abused for years, rather than get a divorce first. In any case where she is not being abused, then there is no indicaiton from her behaviour that she will cheat. Given that you seem to have a good relationship, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and go for it. However, you must make it absolutely clear that if she ever does that with you, she is out the door straight away and never coming back. Insist that if she has a problem with you, she tells you instead of hiding it.

[QWERTY]

Sorry... another long post... guess I've got a lot on my mind...

 

Thanks again to the new posters for their advice. I definitely feel like I want to be with her, and I'm willing to risk getting hurt again. Thanks to your posts I feel a little more confident that she won't cheat on me, unless something goes wrong in our relationship. And I think the counselling she's getting will help to keep that from happening.

 

But now I'm wrestling with a lot of retroactive jealousy about the man she left her husband for (and her husband as well, to a lesser degree). I keep waking up in the early morning thinking about it, and I have an anxious feeling in my stomach about it a lot of the time. I know this is my issue and not hers, and that it's something I'm going to have to deal with, but it's really gnawing away at me. Given that this has the potential to be the first healthy relationship I've ever been in I should be happy, but I'm feeling more anxious now than I've ever been before.

 

Part of me just really wants to know more about the man she left her husband for. Did she think she was in love with him? Did she think he was going to leave his wife and that they were going to be together? Did she say all of the sweet things to him that she says to me now? She said that the relationship with him started to turn bad (I think that may mean he was getting abusive, but I'm not sure), but if that didn't happen, would she still be with him even though he was married? Or was he just a convenient way to escape from the marriage?

 

Plus, she and I moved pretty slowly when it came to sex, because she said that in the past her relationships always ended up being just about sex (note to people reading this -- don't ever say that to your partner). I think that comment probably has a lot to do with the man she left her husband for, because I get the impression that she became quite sexually liberated with this man after her husband left her. And hey, there's that gnawing feeling again.

 

Do you think I should ask her more about that man? She's been vague about it, and I don't think it's a topic that she really wants to discuss with me (because she's ashamed that it happened), plus I know it's not really any of my business.

 

And yes, I've done the whole "she's not with him now, she's with you" and "the past is the past" self-talk, but it isn't helping. I really want this anxious feeling to go away, so that I can more fully enjoy the relationship. I am strongly considering going to counselling (I definitely have my share of issues that I need to work out), but I'm just not in the position right now to afford it.

 

Any suggestions?