Girlfriend likes to "go out"?

[Guest]

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We love eachother, and I have not, nor would I ever suspect her of cheating on me. She is in college and lives in a dorm in Los Angeles. It seems like hangin out with her friends, going to parties, going to bars and clubs and stuff should all be pretty natural social activities for a young college girl. But for some reason, I am strangely uncomfortable with it. I live about 40 minutes away from her school, and I am not always able to go do these things with her.

 

I know she drinks (as do I) but neither of us ever gets excessively drunk. I know she has a lot of guy friends, but as I said before, I don't think she would ever be disloyal to me. But for soem reason, the idea of her being at a party or bar or club without me, drinking and being around other boys really messes with my head. I dont want to be the controlling boyfriend who says " no drinking or going out unless your with me"... that doesnt seem right. Or is it?

 

I just want to be a good boyfriend, but at the same time be comfortable with her getting out and having a good time without me. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to become more comfortable with this situation? I am concerned that the constant "worrying" on my part is going to be our downfall. Please help!!

[Spectre]

It isn't anything bad, even if you trust her. I think the worrying comes from what *can* happen. Shes out drinking without her bf, at a party with guys she is friends with. This might be the one time she drinks to much, or that the alcohol just causes her to make a bad choice. She might get too friendly with a friend if they've both been drinking, etc. There are a lot of possible things that can happen. But yeah, I dont think a girl with a bf should be out at parties and stuff without him, thats just me. Youre concerned about being a good bf, she similarly needs to be concerned about being a good gf.

[DeeBrod83]

I think you have a right to be concerned, but it's definitely something that should be talked about. Do you go out without her? I don't think that telling her you don't want her to go out is the answer, especially if you guys are doing a semi-distance relationship. It sounds like you trust her, so you need to just remind yourself of that. And maybe if you sit down and show her how you feel, let her know you know she loves you and you do trust her, the situation does make you uncomfortable and you worry that someone may take advantage of her if her guard is down while drinking or something.

It is totally normal to think these things, but you need to learn to trust your instincts: if you trust her, let it go. If you don't then you need to do something. Usually this stems from your own insecurities, or your own desires to stray when you're away, so maybe you need to look to yourself to fix this problem. But you can never go wrong with comminication. Talk to her!

[SwayLady]

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We love eachother, and I have not, nor would I ever suspect her of cheating on me. She is in college and lives in a dorm in Los Angeles. It seems like hangin out with her friends, going to parties, going to bars and clubs and stuff should all be pretty natural social activities for a young college girl. But for some reason, I am strangely uncomfortable with it. I live about 40 minutes away from her school, and I am not always able to go do these things with her.

 

I know she drinks (as do I) but neither of us ever gets excessively drunk. I know she has a lot of guy friends, but as I said before, I don't think she would ever be disloyal to me. But for soem reason, the idea of her being at a party or bar or club without me, drinking and being around other boys really messes with my head. I dont want to be the controlling boyfriend who says " no drinking or going out unless your with me"... that doesnt seem right. Or is it?

 

I just want to be a good boyfriend, but at the same time be comfortable with her getting out and having a good time without me. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to become more comfortable with this situation? I am concerned that the constant "worrying" on my part is going to be our downfall. Please help!!

 

You aren't going to like this, but the problem lies with you and not your gf. You have some serious trust issues here and yes, your lack of trust in her will be your downfall.

 

You said,

 

I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend who says 'no drinking or going out, unless your with me'.....that doesn't seem right. Or is it?

 

No, it's not right that you say this to her. Nobody, but nobody has any rights to dictate to anybody, what they are allowed to do/not allowed to do. What will you think of doing next? Locking her up in a cage and keep her there 24/7??

 

Has she ever given you any cause for concern that she may be cheating? You don't mention that she has, other than the fact that she goes out alone with her friends and she's mixing in male company.

 

Females and males interact with one another, in everyday life, in all types of situations, fact of life! Doesn't mean they are all going to cheat/are cheating.

 

There's more chance of her cheating/driving her away, if you fail to trust her and start laying down silly and immature rules!.

[SwayLady]

Usually this stems from your own insecurities, or your own desires to stray when you're away....

 

Indeed. Some folks are far to quick to judge people and base their judgements on their own morals.

[danyol]

Look, don't listen to that swaylady character. She doesn't know what she's talking about. You're not being unreasonable with your concerns. If you don't want her drinking and partying, then tell her. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships, especially marriages, are built upon foundations of rules and boundries. Some rules are delegated by her and others by you. The motion of delegation and adherence are the definitive characterisitics of a romantic relationship.

 

However, if she does not agree to your terms, you must tell her that you can no longer with her. That's it. She has the choice to change her ways and stay with you, or not change and break up with you. As you can see, this is not a exercise in control, as the ball is largley in her court, so to say.

[Adunaphel]

Do you also go out on your own, to bars/pubs/parties where you can drink and interact with people, including members of the opposite sex?

 

If so, do you feel like you are somehow not respecting your relationship?

If so, again, can you say that your gf can absolutely trust you and not worry that you might do something inappropriate?

 

I'm asking basically to understand if you are one of those guys who thinks that people in a committed relationship should go out and have fun only/mostly with their partner (nothing wrong with that),

or if it's a "I don't trust my gf specifically" sort of thing.

[Guest]

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We love eachother, and I have not, nor would I ever suspect her of cheating on me. She is in college and lives in a dorm in Los Angeles. It seems like hangin out with her friends, going to parties, going to bars and clubs and stuff should all be pretty natural social activities for a young college girl. But for some reason, I am strangely uncomfortable with it. I live about 40 minutes away from her school, and I am not always able to go do these things with her.

 

I know she drinks (as do I) but neither of us ever gets excessively drunk. I know she has a lot of guy friends, but as I said before, I don't think she would ever be disloyal to me. But for soem reason, the idea of her being at a party or bar or club without me, drinking and being around other boys really messes with my head. I dont want to be the controlling boyfriend who says " no drinking or going out unless your with me"... that doesnt seem right. Or is it?

 

I just want to be a good boyfriend, but at the same time be comfortable with her getting out and having a good time without me. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to become more comfortable with this situation? I am concerned that the constant "worrying" on my part is going to be our downfall. Please help!!

 

ok dude, I myself don't like to think about the what if's. What you need to do is find out where she's doing her partying at and send one of your friends out to "hang out" there and see whats going on. Shoot, pop up yourself from time to time. If there ain't nothing going on, then there shouldn't be no big deal with you popping in. If you get the "why are you checking up on me" line. Then there's things going on that she don't want you too see. I'm not saying sex, but maybe flirting, touching on the dance floor, eating dinner with some guy "friend". You have to decide if you can deal with this or not. You have to let her know how you feel and if she don't give a damn, then just let her be. Even if you hound her all the time about it, you still ain't going to stop what could happen from happining and you might just cause it to happen quicker.