Good news with a big LDR catch, need your suggestions .

[irish_lover]

Hi all

 

I am writing today with good news mixed with a recurring agitation. I screwed up my final year and just gat the minimum requirement to do a Masters by research. That means that basically unless I found an external fully funded project to write a thesis on I would not get one from an academic source having such a low grade. However I have managed to get the most fantastic project ever and its in a foreign country, I get a wage and the materials which will cost over 5000 euros will all be bought for me. I got the project from a group in Austria that I did a six month placement with. They are fully backing me and I have a supervisor in DCU also backing me with a really good reference. I mean its not like I didn’t deserve it and I worked very hard.

 

The reason I screwed up last year was over a girl I met when I left Austria last year, she is studying in Paris and will be together a whole year in September. Our relationship was full of problems and we argued so much sometimes for hours on the phone. We have almost broken up several times, me always being the one wanting to leave. The last time was pretty rough. She had a nick name on her ex boyfriend " the bastard" and lead me to believe he was horrible to her. He is in the British army and is serving in Iraq at the moment.

 

I found out that she was keeping in contact with him as she let it slip over the phone. She said that he contacted her, this is ten months after they finished. She was in contact with him when we begun but I know she did stop. So I knew she was lying to me and when I visited her in Paris two months ago I ended up being on my own for two and a half days and I couldn’t help but look in her diary to find out. She did contact him first and she said that she missed him. I left the diary open and went to find a hostel.

 

She contacted me later and we agreed to meet. I asked her straight out, If I wasn’t attractive enough, good enough or just not right for her to say it and we could both move on but she balled her eyes out and begged me to stay wit her. I do love her with all my heart we have had so many experiences together and we really know each others good points and bad, good going in a long distance relationship. We are getting on really well and have had a good heart to heart discussion about what happened and we apologised for both our behaviours towards each other etc.

The problem then, I have asked her straight out if she loves me.

 

She says that I should see it in how she treats me and that the word love means nothing. I am suspicious because she knows it would mean a lot to me and yet she won’t say it. I always tell her how much I love her and I know she likes me saying it but yet why can’t she return the compliment? I am located in Austria now and she is on work experience which means that she will work 5 days a week. The only way we will see each other is if I constantly travel to see her. She couldn’t even travel to see me because the cheep flights are in Brussels and flights are on Thursday and Monday. I am more flexible and could see her. It costs about 150 euros travel costs.

 

Something tells me that she is holding back on me and lying to me and most significantly to herself about her feelings. Meaning that yes while we talk and while we are together things are fine but at the back of it all she isn’t being fair. I mean I try so hard to be good to her and I do love her but I need some assurance which she won’t give. I know she cares a lot and I do feel like she loves me at times but then I wonder is it fake at the end of it all. If she doesn’t love me then there is a good chance that I am not right for her. What happens when she is out and meets some one else. The thing that kills me is that she slept with me within 24 hours and she has said that when she meets a guy she likes she doesn’t hesitate.

If she does love me in her own way and can’t say it is that not a actions words clash ? I am trying to get my head straight and prepare for the bad news that she has meet some one else.

 

I have deleted all her e-mails to me and I do it after I read them, all pictures of her and me have been deleted. I am trying to move on in my head so that it won’t hurt. I have given up expressing my concerns it only causes agro and that will drive her away any way. My gut tells me that I shouldn’t go and see her next she should come and see me. It’s her turn any way. We talk regularly and things seem fine but I don’t trust her. She blatantly lied to me before and I melt when I am with her, I love her with all my heart but what’s the point.

 

Maybe she is being honest and she is being right etc. but I don’t want to be in love only to get hurt when I had suspicions all along and screw up the best opportunity ever. I think it would be stupid for me to allow my self to be in love with this girl and I do love her fort who she is good and bad and maybe I am being to harsh on her.

 

Could anyone let me know what you think?

 

Is it possible to love some one and keep the head if all goes wrong, I can’t screw up this magnificent opportunity?

 

Do you think the fact that she can’t say she loves me means something significant?

 

I have read stuff on this site about people cheating, lying and all sorts and they still love the other person. Is it weird that she can’t with words say she loves me?

 

Maybe I am being too silly about this. Any words would be greatly

appreciated for you.

 

Thanks for reading this far.

 

Many thanks.

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[bluechocolate]

Do you think the fact that she can’t say she loves me means something significant?

 

The obvious answer is that she doesn't love you. Then again, the obvious answer isn't always the right one.

 

She says that I should see it in how she treats me and that the word love means nothing.

 

If it means nothing, then why not say it? Actually her saying that the word means nothing when it clearly means something to you is kind of insulting in my opinion.

 

The impression I'm getting is that this is a lot of drama. Full of problems, almost breaking up on numerous occasions, lying to you about the ex, reading diaries, staying in hostels, doubts about her feelings............

 

Some people like the drama, indeed some relationships seem to thrive on it. Personally, I would hate it.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself if all the drama is worth it. Is it worth screwing up the project to write your thesis? Was it worth screwing up your final year? Can she be a source of comfort & support while you're working in Austria?

[sao2]

She says that I should see it in how she treats me and that the word love means nothing.

 

My gf and I had a "similar" issue, not so much with those words but with something else.

 

My advice is that yes if you can see it in the way she treats you then maybe you can forego the words. Ask yourself honestly, if she said the words would it really make you feel that much better in the long run?

 

Alot of people have lost faith in the word Love and believe in showing rather than saying. Some people don't even have a concrete definition of what that word means to them. It could very well be possible that you are asking her to say something that she doesn't feel like she has an understanding of what she is saying.

 

Have you and your gf had "the exclusivity talk"? The one that says we are together and if we aren't ready to be exclusive then we break it off. If you 2 have had that talk then what you need to do is trust her. If you can't trust her what good is it to be together?

 

The Ex-Boyfriend is the one thing that seems to be a problem, not that she talked to him, but that she lied about it. Alot of people stay in touch with ex's after a breakup. Have you ever asked her why she didn't tell you about it? It could be that she was worried about how you would react.

It sounds to me like you both have some trust issues(don't we all) that need some working through.

 

So to answer your questions:

 

Is it possible to love some one and keep the head if all goes wrong?

Yes, the more you let yourself go the harder it will be, but you have to allow yourself that letting go and trust that the person will be there to catch you, and vice versa, you need to be there to catch her. Also always remember, if she doesn't want to be with you anymore GAME OVER, walk away and keep your dignity.

 

Do you think the fact that she can’t say she loves me means something significant?

It does, but most likely doesn't mean what you think it means, it could mean many things, I would bet it means she has lost faith in that word and doesn't want to say it for fear of being hurt.

[irish_lover]

Thank you both very much for your responses. Both had some very valid points. I think bluechocolate you had a very good point about her not loving me maybe she doesn’t. Maybe in a LDR a strong friendship and trust is more important than love in a LDR. Maybe it is a good thing she doesn’t love me. I felt it as a bit insulting like you said and that has bugged me a lot.

 

She is a very straight forward and down to earth sort of person extremely calm until she gets upset. You would never guess a person so calm and collected could go so crazy when she gets mad. I have to say that sometimes the only time I did feel like she wanted me was when she got mad at me because it is only at times like that that I see how much she does like me. She is very much so in control of her emotions normally she would never say things but her actions certainly do, like when we walk she will link her arm in mine or look for my hand. Or she cooks for me and always helps with my German and when ever I want to talk she is there.

She says that for her she never went through the infatuation phase with me, I understand given what happened her last time but that meant that I had no reference to say "wow she is really into me!" that never happened and it feels to me like we settled into the relationship straight away and for me that didn’t feel right. But in reality she came to visit me in Ireland for a whole week only knowing me for less than 24 hours. It scares me how much she trusted me even when we met. I mean I wouldn’t harm a fly anyway.

 

As for sao2, yeah it wouldn’t make any difference if she said the words, she uses a the word huggles ( a hug and a cuddle) which she only uses for me I guess she does show in her own way that is never obvious to me that she likes me a lot. We had the exclusive talk about months ago maybe I will just mention it in conversation just to see how she feels now.

I think maybe she got over the ex boyfriend before I did when we met we talked a lot about past relationships and found comfort in each other after the unsatisfactory outcomes of the last ones. She was still texting the last boyfriend who asked her if she was into a casual relationship when she came to Dublin to see me. I guess I have to let go of that fear, she has said that we have more than they ever had and she was miserable while she was with him because he was so unreliable.

 

Is it really possible that she is just this way and I am over reacting? it just seems a bit odd to me. Has any one else had experience with a similar partner or similar experiences?

 

What about me suggesting that she has to come to see me next or maybe I could ask that she pay half the fares when I have to visit her all the time from the foreseeable future, is that over the top to ask your girlfriend, as things might even out any way in the long term?

If she did I think it would be a sure sigh that this is a relationship worth being in.

 

Any more suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks a million

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[sao2]

My gf is also very reserved so I do understand what you are talking about. I think you are overreacting. If she says the words were does it stop? At what point will you be satisfied, at this point you won't be if she says those words because you will feel like they have been forced out of her. Just chill and if she decides to tell you that she loves you she will, if she doesn't decide to say this then she won't.

 

I don't think you should suggest anything of the sort, her coming to see you or her splitting the tab. SHE SHOULD OFFER THIS. You two should be dividing the cost of contact with each other evenly unless one of you is in a vastly more stable place economically. Even then I would hope that she would still offer.