Mixed Signals From Him

[Judy]

When I was 14 I had a penpal who was an 18 year old guy. We wrote several times a week for several months, and we eventually met. Although he never had any romantic interest in me, I had a huge crush on him, and was delighted that we had almost everything in common, and were able to nearly finish each other's thoughts -- it was that close a thread.

 

Well, I got on with my life, married, divorced, then had a child, and my friend and I lost touch. This year, a full 30 years after we first knew each other, I accidentally found him through the Internet, and we've picked up just where we left off. Including, it seems, the feelings I had for him as a young girl.

 

My friend has never married, wants to be, and last had a relationship over eight years ago. He has lived for 20 years in a climate that is crippling to his health, and recently said he's preparing to move the several hundred miles to my town, once spring comes. This is equally for his career (an artist) as well as his health. He first said we can live together, but has shelved the idea, at least in the beginning.

 

We talk online daily, and have enjoyed several phone calls that last for hours on end, there is never any shortage of good conversation between us, and he constantly tells me how important it is to him that I have come back into his life. Yet when I have tried to bluntly tell him of my feelings there is no comment whatsoever.

 

Finally I came right out and asked him on the phone if there's a chance for us, and he said there's no way he can see having a 600 mile relationship. Then he said once he lives in my town, we will explore the possibility. And he keeps bringing up this scenario I put before him recently that I would love to give him a long backrub in front of a roaring fire while it storms outside. He says he can't wait!

 

All this sounds good and fine, but here's the confusion. The last few days, he hasn't called or written at all, and if I did something to scare him, I sure don't want to contact him to see what I did wrong. I have never had a real or successful relationship in all my 44 years (lots of BAD ones!)and I feel in my soul that this was destined to be the one. Am I just hoping he has feelings for me? Am I wrong not to contact him? Someone help me please! This is just not like him. And there's a friend in his town that knows me and would write if something bad had happened to my friend.

 

Any advice would be appreciated for this older, but not wiser lonely woman. Thank you.

[Totally Confused]

First of all the problem is you seem to be desperate. You are afraid you are going to live the rest of your life alone. This vibe will be given off in any of the conversations you have with this man. It sounds like you've already pressured him. You don't even know this man. You only knows what he tells you through phone calls and e-mail. You think you know him, but you've never met him in person (have you?) Why aren't you just being friends with him? Why can't you just let things develop if they're going to? You're already asking a man who's 600 miles away to get serious with you if he moves here. Think about it, that's a little much. He's the hunter, let him hunt and back off a bit with the relationship part of it. You probably get into these bad relationships with men, because you probably aren't attracted to the nice available men and like the men that pose a challenge. Or you put up with a lot of cr@p from men, because you don't want to lose them and they end up treating you poorly, because they know they can, cause you allow it. Anything to keep them from leaving you. Get some pride and stop allowing yourself to settle. Have you ever looked in a mirror and said to yourself, "I'm going to take care of me, so I want someone who will treat me the way I want to be treated and I won't settle, because I'm great and any man would be lucky to have a loving woman like me." There's someone out there who can and will love you, but you've got to stop looking for it and trying to hunt it down. It's o:k to be alone. Just wait for it to happen naturally. You're still young, join a kick-boxing class or something that will allow you to meet guys that are close by. Do you hike or skii? Think about starting if you don't. If you don't like how things are in your life, then change it. Do something different. I hope things work out for you, and forget this e-mail guy. If it's going to happen it will. Relax.

[Judy]

First of all the problem is you seem to be desperate. You are afraid you are going to live the rest of your life alone. This vibe will be given off in any of the conversations you have with this man. It sounds like you've already pressured him. You don't even know this man. You only knows what he tells you through phone calls and e-mail. You think you know him, but you've never met him in person (have you?) Why aren't you just being friends with him? Why can't you just let things develop if they're going to? You're already asking a man who's 600 miles away to get serious with you if he moves here. Think about it, that's a little much. He's the hunter, let him hunt and back off a bit with the relationship part of it. You probably get into these bad relationships with men, because you probably aren't attracted to the nice available men and like the men that pose a challenge. Or you put up with a lot of cr@p from men, because you don't want to lose them and they end up treating you poorly, because they know they can, cause you allow it. Anything to keep them from leaving you. Get some pride and stop allowing yourself to settle. Have you ever looked in a mirror and said to yourself, "I'm going to take care of me, so I want someone who will treat me the way I want to be treated and I won't settle, because I'm great and any man would be lucky to have a loving woman like me." There's someone out there who can and will love you, but you've got to stop looking for it and trying to hunt it down. It's o:k to be alone. Just wait for it to happen naturally. You're still young, join a kick-boxing class or something that will allow you to meet guys that are close by. Do you hike or skii? Think about starting if you don't. If you don't like how things are in your life, then change it. Do something different. I hope things work out for you, and forget this e-mail guy. If it's going to happen it will. Relax.

Yes, I suppose I am desperate at times! This fellow and I have met, we were friends, as I said, in our teens, and when he got a car he came to my home and spent many hours visiting with me. So I knew him quite well before there were computers and e-mail. We are only relying on long-distance communication at this point because there is so much distance between us, but he has invited me to go to his home to help him pack for the move here, and drive one of the vehicles back to my location.

 

I knew I was getting heavy handed, and I have toned down my talk to him regarding us, but the problem is I knew I wanted him then, and we've both changed so little over the years that I know I still want him now. I just basically want his reassurance, and seem to get it one minute and not the next. He is definitely a keeper.

 

Thank you for your response.