My dad's cheating

[Sherlin]

I've always had a happy, loving family. My dad and my mom were great together. They talk a lot, and still flirt sometimes even now. I never thought this would happen.

 

I'm 16, and I'm the only daughter of the family. I'm studying in a different country from where my parents live. My dad came to visit me 5 days ago to help me move to my new apartment. He's still the same great father as ever.

 

I found out 2 days ago. My dad showed my a new cellphone he's just bought before he came. I asked him if I can try the games in the cellphone. And while I was playing the game, a new message came in. It has a title "Good Morning, Darling". It was very suspicious, and I can't help but looking in his inbox. There are several more messages proving that he is having an affair. My dad also messaged her to call when I'm not with him, and this woman would call back.

 

I was really shocked. But I thought I shouldn't say anything yet. My dad seems to know that I saw the message. Because the next time I borrowed the cellphone, all of the messages were erased.

 

I've never thought my dad could cheat on my mom. My dad always tell me this story about how my grandfather cheating on my grandmother, and left her. And as the oldest son, he had to take care of her and his sisters, and it was very difficult.

 

I know it is normal how most men of this age would cheat on his wife. But I wouldn't be as mad if it was some random woman that he meet only a few times and leave them, then change to another one. He has been with this same woman for at least 2 years. The contact name in his cellphone was an obvious fake name (no one would've named their child that in real life). I recalled using his cellphone, and asked him who it was (since the name was so weird). He lied that it was his friend's nickname (a guy that I know), and this was 2 years ago.

 

My dad is a smart, successful businessman, and he hates stupid woman. Which means that this woman he spent time with for 2 years or more must be smart. And she at least has enough money to call my dad, who is now overseas with me, everyday. It hurts to I think my dad must love her. And when I wonder if my dad has another kid with her, it hurts even more.

 

I assume my mom knows nothing about this. My mom is the type of person who would not stand a guy cheating on her. And if she knows, they'd have been divorced by now. Telling my mom is probably the last thing I'd do.

 

I want to ignore this and let it be, but at the same time I just want to hurt him as much as he hurts me. I know he loves me, and crying in front of him, or not talking to him anymore would definitely works. Although that would be quite childish.

 

I can't think of him the same way, even though I acted as if nothing happened up until now. I really want to talk to him. My dad is not the type who would deny everything, but he's really smart. He'll probably find a way out of it, since I don't have a single evidence. But even now, I don't know if talking to him would help. It might confirmed that he is cheating, but then I'll get mad even more, and I can imagine not talking to him for years. I even feel like he deserves it.

 

I talked to my best friend, whose dad had cheated on her mom as well (but her mom knows and is coping with it). She said if she was me she would not talk to him anymore either.

 

I thought the right thing to do would be ignoring it, and continue this same happy(?) family. But to think that my dad did something WRONG, and me ignoring it is just not right. I should make him feel that he is guilty, and I'm the only one who can do that.

 

I really can't decide what to do. I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Thank you so much for reading my story.

Any advices are much appreciated.

[Yoohoo]

I'd talk to your dad about it...while snooping in his phone's inbox isn't the most polite thing for you to do, neither is his cheating on his wife....

 

Just ignoring the situation doesn't help anything...it'd just delay the eventual discovery of his cheating for a later date...

[quankanne]

Telling my mom is probably the last thing I'd do.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you get them both together at the same time and let them both know what you discovered on daddy's cell phone. I wouldn't want to hurt my parents either, but wrong is wrong and the spouse being betrayed doesn't deserve to live in ignorance. Especially if the cheater thinks that you're for the affair because you haven't acknowledged it even though you know about it.

 

if you're pretty much an upstanding, honest child who has never given them much cause for questioning your actions, you probably have the best chance of making your case, because you can honestly say, "I've tried to never lie about things, and you know that about me. I would not lie about something so serious because you are the last people I'd want to hurt that way." However, if you're known for making up information to give your stories a little zing, it'll be harder being believed (I've got a sister who does this, and while we love her, everything that comes out of her mouth is suspect).

 

this is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy, having to address something like this, but sometimes, it just needs to be done. If you try approaching your dad on his own, he'll find a way to justify – if not outright lie – about what's going on because you're the kid and he's the parent and you "shouldn't be telling him how to conduct himself." However, you're an adult now, even if you are his child, and you pretty much understand you cannot turn a blind eye to something like this. Especially when it affects the whole family – my thought is if you expose the affair, you've got a better chance of killing it off (sort of like weeds in a garden needing to be plucked).

 

should you decide to confront him in front of your mom, tell someone you know and ask for their emotional support. You don't need to do this alone, because that puts an even greater emotional burden on you. Is there any chance you and your sibs can confront them as a group? Though that would mean taking into account their desire to say/not say anything.

 

I wish I could be of more help, but I don't think suggesting you thrash your dad for being so dang selfish would make matters any better

 

stay in touch, okay?

 

hugs,

quank

[Sherlin]

Thank you so much for your replies

 

Yoohoo >> I don't mean to say anything offensive, but I knew some one would talk about "snooping on your dad cellphone" thing. If you read what I wrote carefully, my dad was the one who allowed me to use his cellphone. And while I was playing a game, the woman sent him a message. Well, if someone send you the message, the contact name, number, and title would appear on the screen right? And I don't think anyone could ignore that. Even if you don't look at his inbox, if someone send your dad a message with the title "Good Morning, Darling" and it's not your mom, you'd assume that he's having an affair, right?

 

But thank you for your advice. Please don't get offended. I don't like it when people say that and I'm just trying to clarify the situation.

 

 

 

quankanne >> I don't have any siblings. And talking about this to my mom means that I have to do it while I'm back at my country. I'm going back next week, but basically I don't know anyone who could support me there (since I didn't live their for quite long). I don't know if I can bring it up to my mom without any support.

 

What you said is true, my mom deserves to know. But for some people, maybe it's better not to? My mom is a kinda paranoid and pessimistic at times. I don't think she'd even let my dad explain himself and might break up with him right away. But she doesn't have a job, and breaking up with him would be hard for her. So she might choose to stay with him but would be paranoid about this forever. It can't be the same either way (considering my mom's personality) What do you think?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Why not talk to your Dad about what you saw and ask him about it? Don't be afraid of the possibility that he may not be completely honest with you. Just listen to his explanation and watch his reaction without getting too upset.

 

I know that this has placed a great burden on you. Keeping this secret from your Mom might feel as if you are helping your father to lie to her. But if your suspicions are correct and you have uncovered evidence of an affair … I'm sure having his daughter be the one to uncover it was not one of the consequences he seriously stopped long enough to consider. He's probably assuming you didn't see it … or hoping that you're still too young to figure it out. Depending on how close the two of you are, it may affect him even MORE knowing that your Mom isn't the only one who stands to be hurt. Simply mentioning what you "thought" you saw may tweak his conscious.

 

Welcome to the screwed up adult world, Sherlin. Us parents don't have it all together as much as we'd like our children to think. And as you grow older, you'll slowly begin to see your parents as the flawed human beings that we all are. It's a shock at first when they topple from the pedestals we placed them on when we were children. But a time comes when you realize that your parents are just "people" and not the perfect role models we grew up idolizing. One day, rather than looking up to them, you'll see them eye to eye as equals. And while you may loose a little respect for some of their choices, you'll find a way to understand and love them anyway. Especially if you try to focus on the fact that they did the very best for you that they knew how given the experience and upbringing they had. And I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that your daddy is doing exactly as his father has done. But that doesn't mean that you can't learn from your parent's mistakes and try to break that cycle when you eventually become a parent.

 

I hope it's not what you think. I really do. If I could grant you any wish at all, it would be that you find out it was your Mom who left those messages on your Dad's cellphone. But either way, you'll be okay, cause I have a feeling you're a sharp cookie just like your Mom.

[quankanne]

do you have any close friends or relatives who'd be willing to go with you? After reading your explanation about your mom's outlook on things, maybe it'd be better for you (and friend/relative) to approach him alone and talk it over with him. Again, I don't know how he'd respond, but you can let him know how disappointed you are in him, and that you hope he and your mom can work things out in their marriage so that he dosn't feel compelled to mess around on her.

 

maybe this action would be enough for him to take a harder look at who he's hurting (not just mom, but you as well as himself) and encourage him to work on his marriage. Then you wouldn't have to worry about approaching your mom, and possibly making her even more upset about things.

 

sorry for jumping to conclusions on the first post – I should have asked what your family dynamics were before doling out advice.

 

in the meantime, how are YOU handling all this?

[HokeyReligions]

I don't think I could sit on the information. But first, I would want a confirmation from my father. I might try to put him on the spot a little with something like "Dad, if when I get married someday you find out that my husband is cheating on me, what would you do? How would you feel?" and let him answer that. Then let him know that you believe him to be cheating on your mother and that, while you still love him, you are hurt and angry and feel trapped between the two of them. Insist that he tell your mother and make arrangements to either move out and divorce or go to counseling; and to stop seeing this other woman until his family commitments are settled. Also tell him that you will expect a phone call from your mother by a given date to discuss this. That way he knows he can't continue to lie to you. Tell him to think about his response overnight and get back with you the next day. If he parented by trying to teach you honesty and respect - remind him of that before you leave. Then leave him alone overnight to think about it.

[ZICKAR]

I've always had a happy, loving family. My dad and my mom were great together. They talk a lot, and still flirt sometimes even now.

What has changed in all that.... I say you should give credit for your father's affair in keeping the marriage going on .... I know this might sound insensitive but I say what you don't know doesn't hurt you and you shouldn't let your mother know and certainly don't confront your father...It will have disastrous consequences trust me:( ...Just convince yourself it's all in you head and soon enough whether you did that or no you will forget it and will be back to take part in your happy family

[tinktronik]

What has changed in all that.... I say you should give credit for your father's affair in keeping the marriage going on .... I know this might sound insensitive but I say what you don't know doesn't hurt you and you shouldn't let your mother know and certainly don't confront your father...It will have disastrous consequences trust me:( ...Just convince yourself it's all in you head and soon enough whether you did that or no you will forget it and will be back to take part in your happy family

Imagine what this young girl will have to deal with keeping her father's secret. If he did not want to be caught out he could have found a way to be more descrete. OP , you can't possibly be the keeper of this secret , tell your mom what you found and let your parents deal with it.

[ZICKAR]

You will be sorryyyyyyyyyyyy....

[amerikajin]

There are worse things in families than adultery.

[Tenorman]

There are worse things in families than adultery.

 

Yeah, concealment and lies and burdening young minds and psyches with problems they can barely grasp let alone solve.

 

Sherlin don't go and tell your mother without talking to your father first because it is not fair to you. If she doesn't know already her first reaction may be to blindly hurt you and blame you in some way for shattering everything and you don't deserve that on top of everything else.

 

I really want to talk to him. My dad is not the type who would deny everything, but he's really smart. He'll probably find a way out of it, since I don't have a single evidence.

 

You father may be the smartest man in the world but I am sure he did not intend to burden you with this. So you must transfer the weight of the problem back to him. You really want to talk to him therefore you must. However I suggest that all you do is tell him what you saw and how it is deeply troubling you and that you feel lost and do not know what to do about it. Then see what he says and does and take it from there. Don't try to enter into any mindgames with him or obsess on ways you can gather enough evidence to 'catch the criminal'.

 

But even now, I don't know if talking to him would help. It might confirm that he is cheating, but then I'll get mad even more, and I can imagine not talking to him for years. I even feel like he deserves it.

 

If you don't say something to him the uncertainty and anger arising from it will be like poison slowly spreading in your mind and it will affect your life BADLY and in ways you may not appreciate until you are much older.

 

You telling him what you saw may also be a wake up call for your father and stop what is already a huge problem getting bigger.

[amerikajin]

She may not be in the best position to confront her father about this.

 

And now that he's erased the messages, where's her proof anyway?

 

It would be pretty twisted of her old man to cheat and then not fess up about it and make her own daughter look silly in the process, but that's exactly what he could do.

 

I knew my dad was boozing in secret after having supposedly been clean for years, but I didn't tell my mother about it. Maybe an argument could be made that I should have, but what position is a person's own child in to be ratting out her old man anyway? I'm not saying don't do it, but there may be consequences for it and some she's not prepared to handle. Is that fair? No, but that's life. Welcome to the real world, kid.

 

If she can deal with the fall-out, by all means, do it.