I'm leaving. :(

[brightskies]

Been in this great relationship since January but next month I have to move out of state for school. It'll be an 8-9 hour drive away; about 3-4 hour flight. I'll be away for 9-10 months and he can't move with me due to work. We've mutually decided to continue our relationship despite the distance.

 

I've been in LDRs before so this isn't completely new. Still, does anyone in a current and happy long-term LDR have any advice on making it actually work WELL?

 

It's good to know that there's an end point and that he's being supportive. But anyone who has been in an LDR knows that distance has a funny way of working either with or against you, i.e., you might end up missing each other a lot more, or, you might drift apart. Aside from phone, emails, and occasional visits, how do you keep things going strong?

[confusedgeek]

Someone on this board gave me good advice for this.

Ill pass it on to you.

 

How about mailing letters to each other?

It's easy to send out emails, but postal messages seems even more real.

Cards, packages are awesome =)

 

My girlfriend and I do this all the time. It is awesome.

She's 6000+ miles away and it helps.

 

- ConfusedGeek

[brightskies]

Hi CGeek,

 

Thanks, care packages are an awesome idea. I even got some real, old-fashioned stationery so I can send him snail mail --- ya know, that outdated thing called a "letter"? I remember I used to love getting and writing letters but people don't really do that anymore.

[confusedgeek]

Yeah, things like that make it just that much more special =)

 

My girlfriend sent me something personal the other day. I was rather surprised. It made me feel good and I couldnt stop smiling today.

 

It helped time pass by. Good luck in your relationship.

 

- ConfusedGeek

[soft heart]

Hello,

 

it's nice that you both have decided to continue despite being apart. It must be strong between you two. I am in a long-distance relationship. I live in Britain, he in Europe. Things have not been easy between us but I will give you an advice: you must trust him, you must fill your own life with different activities while you are not with him, you must not become accusatory if he wants to spend time not calling you or emailing you, you must realise that it's going to be a different kind of relationship where he cannot meet all your meets when you don't see him, he cannot be there to hug you or kiss you when you are down or stressed so please take that into account. Do not expect of him too much while you are away and try to make the distance as easy as possible by not arguing over the phone. Try to be as easy as possible about it. If he calls you and he sounds tired and not exactly enthusiastic on the phone, try not take it personally. The most important thing is having trust in him and your relationship and try both of you make an effort to call each other when you can and plan meetings. We have not grown apart at all. We even had a break last year and we got back together as we missed each other too much and didn't want anyone else next to us. If it's meant to be, it will be! But remember that us women we think emotionally, try not to get too upset if you are apart. It's not his fault. Good luck!!

[brightskies]

Hello Soft,

Thank you so much for your advice --- it makes a lot of sense, and now that I've had some time to actually live through the long distance, I can really relate to what you say about learning to trust more, trying to make things easier, and being understanding. And trying not to "think emotionally" is a definite challenge. How is your relationship coming along?

[BlueEyedSarah]

Communication in a long distance relationship is a best thing to do also.

[Andrea1234]

im in a LDR and we been talking everyday and i love it you need to talk anyway pos because if you guys dont talk the relationship will fail

[Island Girl]

I have the most successful LDR relationship I have ever heard of. Currently still LD and now married.

 

January 2nd started year number five of being separated by over 5,000 miles.

 

After he left in 2003 - I saw him only once, 7 months later, for one week until last year (yes three years later) when we got married 2 days after I stepped off the plane.

 

We have no web cam, he does not have a computer or access to one - and he doesn't know how to use one, lol.

It is expensive to call (no skype ) but I have found calling cards for .23 a minute roughly so we do get to talk everyday. Not always long conversations but enough time to check in. If there are things to go over or one of us needs a longer conversation because of loneliness, etc. then we tell the other and set a time to do that (if right then it isn't possible).

 

I am currently in the middle of filing all of the papers for him to come back to the US (we lived here together for a year before he left).

 

What can I tell you? - Here goes:

 

Crucial --- Communication. We are and have been "open books" to each other. No question is stupid and each deserves an immediate answer - no answering the question with a question "Why are you asking me that?" etc. It doesn't matter why. We have both agreed to that and we stick to it. What is happening in his life there and everything to do with him is my business. So I get to know it all - anything I want to know - and vice-versa. I can't be there or see what is happening, etc. and neither can he. We would much rather have questions with answers than assumptions or things left unsaid.

 

Understanding is also key. We both understand the distance can breed insecurity at different times and extreme loneliness at different times (the kind where it feels like your chest is constricted and you can't breath). If either of those things happen we call on each other for support to get through it.

 

We do fight. We fight AND make up. This has been the best step actually - for me it gave me the complete understanding that he is with me no matter what. That if there is a problem it doesn't have to be solved at that moment (that is how I have always been - there is an argument and I want resolution before walking away or, in our case, hanging up the phone).

 

Write letters. Write detailed letters about how you are feeling and what you are thinking about EVERYTHING.

 

The first year or so I wrote him pages and pages about myself. He'd receive letters that were 14 pages of lined paper front and back completely filled.

They were about anything that had happened and how I felt about it. They were about how much I missed him and everything I thought about a future with him.

They were about the stress and anxiety I felt about not knowing when I'd see him again.

I received so many from him that were the same way.

 

I really think that was such a good thing. I wouldn't change being separated just because of that fact. My husband knows me SO WELL because he has read so much of what I think and how I feel.

 

It is different from a conversation. There are no interruptions. The conversation doesn't shift. Those letters have been an endless stream of me and the way my mind thinks and he has read every word. Sometimes several times. He knows me in a way that no one else ever can and in a way that he wouldn't have if we had been together the whole time.

 

Oh -- and the rule that helps tremendously with the insecurity, etc. No matter what when we talk the first think we say is "Hi honey" or "hello baby". It just helps to make us feel present somehow and that everyone around knows I/he exists and is the first priority. Pride or embarrassment about how important we are to each other doesn't exist. This is usually a guy problem anyway because they tease each other about being "whipped".

My husband is pretty scary to most men anyway so I don't honestly think they'd make fun of him but even if they were to - THEY aren't important - I am. And again, vise-versa.

 

LDRs can work and be better for it. It all has to do with how you both handle it.

 

Good luck!