Are Rules meant to be broken?

[Daria]

I have a female friend who a few years ago discovered her own "gospel" - a book called "The Rules" that gives fairly black and white instructions on what women should, and especially should NOT, do in order to successfully find a man, make him fall in love and ultimately propose marriage. The gist of it is that men need the chase, and once the chase is over they lose interest. Therefore, women should constantly provide them with something to chase, and not make life too easy for them. I see one problem with this book, and that is: it leaves no room for love. It treats a relationship as a science experiment, and not as an emotional bond between two people.

 

For example, according to the Rules, a woman should never call a man first and only occasionally return his calls. If he is interested, he should work on getting in touch with her. She should not make it easy for him. Does this mean that in the evening I can't pick up the phone to call my boyfriend of 4 months before he has had a chance to call me? And does it mean that when he does call, I should sometimes pretend I am not home, to make him call again?

 

Another Rule states that to secure a date with you on Saturday, a man should ask you out before Wednesday of that week. There should be no last minute improptu get-togethers. Doesn't this take the fun out of dating?

 

Another Rule insists that a woman should not see a man more than 2-3 times a week. Well, I blow that one week after week after week...

 

Et cetera, et cetera...

 

I'd really like to hear guys' opinion. Is chase that important to you? Do you really lose interest once you've achieved your goal (whatever that may be)? Are you more attracted to women who play hard to get rather than those who genuinely want to share with you their love, warmth, and yes, caring and comfort of a good solid relationship?

 

Ladies are welcome to respond also. Do you follow any strategy, or are you like me - just going with the flow and enjoying every minute of it?

 

Thanks to all in advance!!!

[Tony T]

There are no rules...there is no gospel. Throw the rules away and just remember a few things.

 

Yes, men do like a challenge. Men don't like women to be too available and too easy. But many women feel the same way about men as well. It's basically the same for both.

 

Yes, many men will lose interest in a female once all is conquered. However, if a man is in love or is "ready" to settle down, that won't happen, at least not quickly.

 

Yes, there should always be a bit of aloofness in a relationship otherwise it is destined to become boring and predictable. That's a place you never want to arrive at.

 

You should absolutely call your boyfriend but don't do it often and don't do it predictably. Be totally unpredictable. Always be the first to terminate the conversation, sometimes at its highest point. Always leave the guy wanting more. Don't keep talking until it's a bore, until there's a lot of silence.

 

In order to keep the spark in a relationship, it can't be predictable, you can't just be there continually for him to the point he takes you for granted, don't start a regular set schedule of going out. Play the relationship by ear. Be respectful of each other, be considerate, but don't kiss each other's butts.

 

This is a real easy thing to play if you get good at it. So many people aren't. Some people can absolutely be themselves and do just fine. But, overall, you have got to be very cool.

 

Some of the rules you read may be very good to observe but a lot of them aren't. Be flexible in your actions, in your decisons but basically don't get your relationship into a rut; be available but not too available; be a challenge but don't make yourself totally impossible.

 

If you want to keep zip in a relationship, you sort of have to do this all your life...even when you get married. Live your lives together but pack some separateness in there as well.

[BeenThere]

...A personal experience with this so called "book of dating rules"...

 

At only ninteen I was married. Fifteen years later, at age age 34, I suddenly found myself hurled back into the single world. With absolutely NO experience at all except how to function in a "committed" relationship...there I went...bouncing in with my niave ideals and rose-colored glasses. I've never had cause (nor learned to play) all those games everyone else seemed so good at. I was WIDE open, heart on my sleeve, as honest and straight forward as I have always been. Hell, I didn't know any better.

 

This attitude surprised several of the men I dated. They were stunned and thrown off their game by my sometimes unpredictable behavior. One of my gentlemen friends mentioned this so-called "rule book" **MANY TIMES** and would even reciet blurbs from it to me. But, while on one hand he was trying to educate me on the do's and don'ts of the dating-game...he also told me to NEVER allow myself to learn to play them. That while I should understand why OTHER people did what they did, that I should remain just the way I was. It was "refreshing."

 

I know that this is only the perspective of few male individuals who had been single WAY too long and were frustrated by the games...but it sure helped me when I was feeling a little out of touch.

 

Hope it helps you, too!

I have a female friend who a few years ago discovered her own "gospel" - a book called "The Rules" that gives fairly black and white instructions on what women should, and especially should NOT, do in order to successfully find a man, make him fall in love and ultimately propose marriage. The gist of it is that men need the chase, and once the chase is over they lose interest. Therefore, women should constantly provide them with something to chase, and not make life too easy for them. I see one problem with this book, and that is: it leaves no room for love. It treats a relationship as a science experiment, and not as an emotional bond between two people.

 

For example, according to the Rules, a woman should never call a man first and only occasionally return his calls. If he is interested, he should work on getting in touch with her. She should not make it easy for him. Does this mean that in the evening I can't pick up the phone to call my boyfriend of 4 months before he has had a chance to call me? And does it mean that when he does call, I should sometimes pretend I am not home, to make him call again? Another Rule states that to secure a date with you on Saturday, a man should ask you out before Wednesday of that week. There should be no last minute improptu get-togethers. Doesn't this take the fun out of dating? Another Rule insists that a woman should not see a man more than 2-3 times a week. Well, I blow that one week after week after week...

 

Et cetera, et cetera... I'd really like to hear guys' opinion. Is chase that important to you? Do you really lose interest once you've achieved your goal (whatever that may be)? Are you more attracted to women who play hard to get rather than those who genuinely want to share with you their love, warmth, and yes, caring and comfort of a good solid relationship?

 

Ladies are welcome to respond also. Do you follow any strategy, or are you like me - just going with the flow and enjoying every minute of it? Thanks to all in advance!!!

[clia]

I resisted reading "The Rules" for a long time for exactly the reasons you state. However, one of my friends convinced me to read it, and I'm glad I did.

 

The gist I got was not necessarily that women should be intentionally forcing the man to chase, but that women should be busy enough with their own lives, interests, and friends, that they become somewhat of a challenge. In short, that women should not drop everything just because they like a guy. The book encourages women to dress well, look nice, be friendly, and do their own thing. i.e. Have a life of their own and not live vicariously through some guy!

 

I found that when I was pursuing my own life, I was very unintentionally following the rules. I couldn't accept a date later than Wednesday because most of the time I already had plans with friends for Friday/Saturday afternoons and evenings. I often couldn't call a guy back immediately because I was out with friends or at work. I often couldn't see them more than 2-3 times a week because I had things going on at work or with friends.

 

When I wasn't active, I "broke" the rules left and right. I'd accept impromptu dates, immediately call them back, send many e-mails, etc. And the thing I found was that when I was active, I had much more success in dating. (Also more things to talk about!)

 

Think about it. I personally love dating a guy who has a lot of friends and is out doing things. I don't want to date a couch potato who is calling me every night because he's "bored". If he's out, then I'm wondering what he's out doing or what cool restaurant he went to for dinner or what new club he checked out. (I like a challenge, too--no challenge when I know he's camped out in front of Sportscenter every night.)

 

I have to disagree that "The Rules" doesn't leave room for love. You are perfectly free to fall in love even while following the rules. However, you can't fall in love if no one is calling or you aren't attracting men. All the rules say is that someone busy and active is much more attractive than someone who is sitting by the phone waiting for a call.

 

Don't get me wrong--if I really like a guy I'm perfectly willing to "break" the rules. And after four months of dating, you should be able to relax a little more and call your boyfriend if you want too, but I do agree with Tony that you need to keep things exciting.

I have a female friend who a few years ago discovered her own "gospel" - a book called "The Rules" that gives fairly black and white instructions on what women should, and especially should NOT, do in order to successfully find a man, make him fall in love and ultimately propose marriage. The gist of it is that men need the chase, and once the chase is over they lose interest. Therefore, women should constantly provide them with something to chase, and not make life too easy for them. I see one problem with this book, and that is: it leaves no room for love. It treats a relationship as a science experiment, and not as an emotional bond between two people.

 

For example, according to the Rules, a woman should never call a man first and only occasionally return his calls. If he is interested, he should work on getting in touch with her. She should not make it easy for him. Does this mean that in the evening I can't pick up the phone to call my boyfriend of 4 months before he has had a chance to call me? And does it mean that when he does call, I should sometimes pretend I am not home, to make him call again? Another Rule states that to secure a date with you on Saturday, a man should ask you out before Wednesday of that week. There should be no last minute improptu get-togethers. Doesn't this take the fun out of dating? Another Rule insists that a woman should not see a man more than 2-3 times a week. Well, I blow that one week after week after week...

 

Et cetera, et cetera... I'd really like to hear guys' opinion. Is chase that important to you? Do you really lose interest once you've achieved your goal (whatever that may be)? Are you more attracted to women who play hard to get rather than those who genuinely want to share with you their love, warmth, and yes, caring and comfort of a good solid relationship?

 

Ladies are welcome to respond also. Do you follow any strategy, or are you like me - just going with the flow and enjoying every minute of it? Thanks to all in advance!!!

[Ed]

Tony,

 

I couldn't help but laugh when I read this one:

 

"Always be the first to terminate the conversation"

 

Can you imagine a man and a woman, both trying to apply this idea. Could mean some reeeeeeealy short phone conversations. One trying to beat the other to "goodbye".

 

"I said bye first."

 

"No. I said bye first."

 

"No. I said bye first."

 

"No. I said bye first."

 

"No. I said bye first."

 

p.s.

 

The rest sounded like great advice.

[Tony T]

Being the first to terminate a conversation is actually some of the best advice.

 

Men go bonkers when a female tells him they have to do something else, take another call, leave the house, etc. It works the other way as well.

 

If two people spend hours talking, the relationship can go truly stale. The person who says they need to go always stimulates the glands of the other person.

 

See how you feel the next time a lady tells you she has to go now.

 

It doesn't necessarily go as the script you presented...but that was funny. Thanks.

[Miss Mojo]

is your friend aware that the woman who wrote 'the rules' is DIVORCED now? obviously, placing so many rules in a relationship works.

 

i think the gist of her book is game playing to an extent. we enough stress in our lives and the one thing that *should* (not always of course) be able to give us peace of mind is a healthy relationship based on respect

 

women should't have to make a man chase them all the time. i know plenty of guys who get pissed off with 'the chase'. i'm of the belief that if a guy wants me, he'll want me because he's rapt in who i am, not because i'm being elusive.

 

i know that many people will not agree with me, but games are the one thing that i will not stand for in a relationship. i've seen too many fail because of this.

 

the best relationship i ever had went against every 'rule' in the book. it was the most natural, satisfying and healthy relationship i've seen for a long time. it flowed perfectly because we didn't have 'rules' (respect and honesty aren't rules....they're mandatory traits for me).