Dawny33 Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Hello, I have been dating my BF for 8 years...I really want to get married but do not want to pressure. What are the odds of him proposing after so long. I am 34 and he is 37. Am I wasting my time???? Any advice would be appreicated Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 How does he feel about marriage in general? Is that the kind of relationship he wants for himself...does he see that in his future? Have you two ever talked about it specifically in connection with your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 What are the odds of him proposing after so long. Almost zero. If a guy really wants marriage he'll usually propose after 2 or 3 years max. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 In 8 years of dating the subjects of marriage, future, children, etc. have never come up? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Please, do continue to break my heart ! Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Almost zero. If a guy really wants marriage he'll usually propose after 2 or 3 years max. I think it depends on the age. My H proposed after 5 1/2 years, but we were 21 when we started dating, so both of us still felt to young for marriage after 3 years. In the case of the OP, age is probably not an issue. I'm also suprised you haven't had a frank discussion about this. He's going to be able to give you more insight than we are, but honestly, it doesn't look good. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 I really want to get married Why do you want to get married? I'm not asking that to be an a$$, I'm absolutely serious. What is it about the state of matrimony that is so appealing to you? And why would you think that you're somehow "wasting your time" being with someone you love if he doesn't want to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger25 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hi! Tricky one this. My previous relationship lasted 9 years before I decided enough was enough. When I got together with my ex-partner, I was 17 and he was 27 so marriage was never an issue for me until I hit about 22 - My ex NEVER even mentioned marriage to me and when I brought the subject up he would just say - "I dont want to JUST get married for the sake of it here in horrible old England, I want to get married on a beach somewhere hot!" A BEACH!! I mean was he in dream world or what!!? In the end I hit 25 and my ex was then 36. I decided that to be honest he was getting too old for marriage and kids and if he hadn't asked me before this he never was going to. I knew he loved me but he didn't have the GUTS to get married. Thats what it came down to. SO - I gave him the order of the elbow and we've been separated for a year now. He was devastated but I am now with someone else and this one has been married before so I now have to go throught the whole rigmarole AGAIN!! I wont be waiting another 9 years to find out mind you!! Moral of this story - Ask him right out if he is ever going to marry you, and if he says no or seems vague about it then get rid of him, making sure that he knows WHY you're chucking him. You'll soon find out if he realises he's made a big mistake if after you boot him out he turns up at your doorstep on one knee and with a mahooosive engagement ring which would fit PERFECTLY on your finger. If he doesn't - then what have you lost?? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/icons/icon14.gif Link to post Share on other sites
soberminded Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hopefully you do understand that you are still risking another 9 years of your life to waste?? More power to you if this new guy or whoever you date over the next 9 years is willing to marry you but that's not guaranteed to happen. You can't put this kind of stuff on a timetable and expect to get the results you want. You could stay with this new guy for 9 years and find out he will never propose. The other option is you could give him a time limit like 1 year and then dump him and date several other boyfriends who may not propose to you after 1 year and then you dump them. Those years add up quick as well. Next thing you know you wasted 9 years of your life. What I'm saying is that you are taking that risk whether you wait 9 years for a guy or whether you give each boyfriend a time limit. You can't force anybody to marry you. They have to want it for themselves. It sounds like you are more in love with the idea of marriage than the man himself if you could dump him that easily and move on to a new boyfriend so fast. If you really wanted him then you would have stayed with him. Why are you so desperate to get married? Do you really believe that marriage is going to solve all your problems? Do you really think the grass is greener in marriage? Sure it would be nice if I got married someday but I've learned to accept my situation as it is now. I've learned there are no guarantees in this life. Maybe I will marry or maybe I won't. It's ok to want to be married but something is seriously wrong if you think that getting married is the only way to find happiness in this world. You gotta learn to be happy with yourself first. A spouse cannot make you happy. You have no control over when you will get married so don't think that somehow you are guaranteed to be married in less than 9 years. Regardless if you wait for your new boyfriend or not you could still be single after 9 years. Link to post Share on other sites
soberminded Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Two of my past relationships came to an end after the 2 year mark because she wanted to marry me and I didn't. I don't regret my decision at all. I think a man is more likely to regret getting married than he is to regret turning down marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger25 Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 . You can't force anybody to marry you. They have to want it for themselves. It sounds like you are more in love with the idea of marriage than the man himself if you could dump him that easily and move on to a new boyfriend so fast. If you really wanted him then you would have stayed with him. Why are you so desperate to get married? Do you really believe that marriage is going to solve all your problems? . To this I salute you! No my lovely I am NOT at all desparate to get married in fact it is the last thing on my mind right now. I am not so intellectually challenged to NOT realise that you CANNOT force someone to marry you. My previous relationship lasted for 9 years without too much mention about marriage and kids. It was only when I realised that he was NEVER going to commit to me in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM that I decided to call it a day, and believe me, it was NOT an easy thing to do because I was in love with him and always will be to a certain extent because he was my first love. And as for moving onto a new guy so fast - I DO APOLOGIZE, IS A YEAR NOT LONG ENOUGH??????????? I am certainly not in love with the IDEA of marriage, it would just be somthing that I would LIKE to do one day. Marriage would not solve my problems because I do not have any! and as for putting a TIME LIMIT on waiting for my new BF to marry me. Y should I do that? Who am I to say or even THINK "right he's got 2 years to marry me or else" if I FEEL as though things are not going right between us I will move on. Simple as that. It certainly wont be because he hasn't proposed to me after a mere 2 years!! Im not perfect soberminded but I do know how to LOVE & BE LOVED without pining for a perfect soulmate and spouse all my life. I think you need to be a lttle less judgemental in your views as this may be a GOOD reason as to why YOU yourself are not married!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 I would think after 8 years you would feel comfortable enough to say "do you ever want to get married?" or something of the like. WE don't know him at all, and while I would say that its more likely to NOT happen in terms of him asking you, you won't know till you ask him yourself Link to post Share on other sites
soberminded Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 No no the reason I'm not married is because I don't want to be. I'm single by choice. I'm just dating this one girl right now. I haven't been dating her long. I used to have serious drinking problems and I've gotten help and recovered from it. Now my only problem is commitmentphobia. I don't believe there is any cure for commitmentphobia. This is just the way I am and it's the way it's going to be. Commitmentphobics like myself not only cannot commit to marriage but we cannot commit to breaking off a long term relationship either. We are comfortable in a limbo state. We don't want to get married but at the same time we don't have the courage to break up with our partners. We let them do the dumping. Commitmentphobics love their significant others tremendously but we just see marriage as a trap and we start to imagine the roles we'll play as spouses and get scared. The sad thing is alot of commitmentphobics would be good marriage material if they got over their phobia. I mean I don't drink anymore, I have a stable job, own my own home, I work out at the gym, I can do maintenence work around the house. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Commitmentphobics love their significant others tremendously but we just see marriage as a trap and we start to imagine the roles we'll play as spouses and get scared. The sad thing is alot of commitmentphobics would be good marriage material if they got over their phobia. I mean I don't drink anymore, I have a stable job, own my own home, I work out at the gym, I can do maintenence work around the house. What role are you scared of? Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Sober - I am cool letting you be scared of your "role" as a husband... I don't understand what roles your thinking of but those are soley, your thoughts. I am not C-phobic but date one in a LTR, and what you said and how you are in life I am OK with because I live it too with my LTR. I don't believe he does not have the balls to break up with me like you stated C-phobes do though... If he was not happy with me why would he waste his time? I wouldn't consider any life experience "wasted" on my end but who knows what others think... Anyway, I am getting off subby here. Dawn- NO, 8 years can go either way... to marriage, to relationship without marriage .. forever boyfriend/girlfriend ... if your ok being "just the girlfriend" for the next 25 years then all the power to you girl ... If you want marriage since I think you do, you need to do some soul searching for what you truly want... I think you can go out and find marriage easily ... but the question is: Can you go out and find a good man/women THAT easily?? even if he doesn't want marriage - it could be worth the stay but that is up to you of course. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Ah, a subject dear to my heart ! And kinger, with all due respect to soberminded, there is a post here where he talks about serial dating for 2 yrs at a clip so that he "can get the milk for free" so keep that in mind. I too am surprised you have not talked about this earlier ? never ? I always find it odd that people know so much about each other, share bodily fluids, but feel like talking about serious things like LIFE COMMITTMENT CHILDREN are so verboten ! I feel like you, I have plenty of options, a full life, my own home, business, money etc, but I still want the commitmment of becoming Family with my partner. To me, thats what it's all about. Not jewlery, not that it solves all problems, but as a way to say to each other, to the the world, that " WE ARE FAMILY".That I love you enough to put you right up there with the people who gave me birth and the people I gave birth to. Thats just my opinion and you'll find many here with just as reasonable arguments that love and treating each other well is enough. I think when it comes to marraige we all need to follow our OWN heart and gut : If you won't be happy without it, don't settle, It will probably end up eating you up on the inside and you may end up not respecting your partner for his lack of committment to you. " if it's just a piece of paper, and it means nothing to you and something to me, then whats the problem signing it?" right ??????? Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger25 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 I totally agree Melodymatters Marriage to me is not something that I want because I like the idea of it or because I think it will solve any relationship problems. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I feel as though you should have very little relationship problems in order to be ready for marriage anyway so it certainly wouldn't act as a temporary seal to the cracks that may already be within the partnership. I am with you on this Melody. I have a lovely BF, a job, a car, a horse and generally a darn good life. Dont have kids yet but they may come as and when. I have only been with my BF for a year so I am still getting to know him properly and everyday I am still learning new things about him and finding out what makes him tick, as he is with me. We have our ups and downs but we are in the progress of building the foundations before we consider getting married. It has to be when we are both ready. As i said in my last thread my previous relationship lasted for 9 years so I know that it takes time to build something in completeness, which you should do before gettong hitched. I dont want to get married because I like the IDEA of it or becasue I think that it will solve any relationship problems I may have. As far as I'm concerned by the time you feel as though you are ready to get married you should have ironed out any problems within your relationship beforehand. Marriage should not be used to temporarily seal the cracks within the partnership. Of course, dont get me wrong, you are ALWAYS going to have ups and downs within any relationship but marriage is about growing together, learning together and facing whatever life may throw at you TOGETHER and STILL be smiling and loving eachother whatever happens. I want to get married one day so that I can declare to the rest of the world that I am in love with this man, he is in love with me and we are together through thick and thin, forever. With respect to the original post here. After 8 YEARS you really should be able to approach your SO about this, you NEED to communicate with HIM rather than here. You need to REALLY sit down and talk through this properly then if you still dont think that he is going to commit and you are not happy with that then you need to move on and find someone that is prepared to share their life with you IF marriage is something that you need. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Kinger - you should like me... job, car, HORSE!!! talk to me, what type riding you do? Breed? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Sober - I am cool letting you be scared of your "role" as a husband... I don't understand what roles your thinking of but those are soley, your thoughts. I am not C-phobic but date one in a LTR, and what you said and how you are in life I am OK with because I live it too with my LTR. I don't believe he does not have the balls to break up with me like you stated C-phobes do though... If he was not happy with me why would he waste his time? I wouldn't consider any life experience "wasted" on my end but who knows what others think... Anyway, I am getting off subby here. Dawn- NO, 8 years can go either way... to marriage, to relationship without marriage .. forever boyfriend/girlfriend ... if your ok being "just the girlfriend" for the next 25 years then all the power to you girl ... If you want marriage since I think you do, you need to do some soul searching for what you truly want... I think you can go out and find marriage easily ... but the question is: Can you go out and find a good man/women THAT easily?? even if he doesn't want marriage - it could be worth the stay but that is up to you of course. I am not necessarily interested in getting married, but if I was involved with someone for a long time, I would hope he would be confident of his feelings and his own capacities enough to acknowledge the relationship. If a person wants a relationship where they do not have to make any commitments but they do not want their partner to leave, they aren't good marriage material anyway. The problem is, they are good at sucking you in and making you think they are more capable of reciprocating in a relationship than they really are. The person who was in a relationship for 9 years and then moved on was right on! Why would you want to stay with someone who was so confused and confusing? She sounds like she knows what she wants. That doesn't mean she can necessarily have it - but she is certain not to have it if she is running around with a toad when she really wants a regular guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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