ZGT1503 Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Hi, I haven't been on this site for a long time, but wrote a few posts before regarding jealousy issues. I am now working on this with a counsellor. My question here is related to porn and online sex sites. I live with my boyfriend of over a year, and a couple of months ago saw that he'd visited a porn site. It was also a sex contact site. I asked him about this and he was embarrassed and admitted it but said a mate of his had told him about it at work and he'd looked out of curiosity, and had only looked at the pictures and not contacted anyone. I didn't like this and he knows that, but I recognise that looking at porn is normal and I believed him when he said he doesn't do it a lot or regularly. We have a very active and good sex life and have never had issues in that area. So, he said it was more or less a one-off and (even if he does it occasionally, just not often) it's something I felt I had to accept. It's also clear to me why he wouldn't tell me about it, since he is aware of my jealousy issues. Recent update: today I was on Google for something else and up came a name of a different sex site. Then I looked at the history, and I find about 6 different explicit sites including sex contact sites. He is away for a few days and I haven't spoken to him yet, but I will have to mention it. I cannot imagine that he is actually contacting other woman. We live together and are with each other most of the time we're not working, and there have been absolutely no other signs. He is hardly ever on the computer and doesn't get strange phone calls or messages that I know of. My question is: is it common to visit contact sites like these just to look at porn, or do people only do it if they plan to contact these people and do something? And... how can I get him to be honest about it? I am sure he will say he just looked once or twice and that's it. I would like to discuss it calmly and like adults, without banning anything or being angry. But if he won't admit to it, how can I? Thanks for any advice... Link to post Share on other sites
bethbeatrice Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 I don't think that any person should feel that they must "accept" the fact that their partner looks at porn. Cheating in the mind is as bad as cheating physically. I think being honest with him with help him be honest with you. More that likely he isn't meeting anyone else but he is probably embarrased and guilty. These are things that are hard to admit. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZGT1503 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Share Posted August 20, 2006 Thanks bethbeatrice. I am hoping you are right and that he isn't actually contacting any of these women, because if he is I am out of here, no question. But a guy is NEVER going to admit to having done something if he thinks he can get away with it, especially if he knows that admitting it means me leaving. So I just have to decide if his answer is acceptable to me and if I can trust him again after all this. He is back in a few hours and we've arranged to talk, so we'll see! Thanks for the input... Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful-pessimist Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 how did the confrontation go, zgt1503? any luck? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZGT1503 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Share Posted August 24, 2006 Hey, I was going to give an update today! He was extremely embarrassed and reluctant to talk about why he'd been doing this, although he didn't deny going on the websites. When he saw I had a bag packed and there was a possibility of me leaving, he opened up a bit and tried to explain. He said he really didn't know why he goes onto contact websites, but it was to do with the fact that you can read things and see pictures sometimes without having to pay. I was not convinced of this reason, and he went on to explain that he looks for websites in his country so that the language is the same in the things they write and because he knows his own country. He swears that he has never contacted anyone through this. He even got his phone bills to show me and I live with him so I know he hasn't got the time to meet them. And he never uses the computer or phone when I'm at home, which is most of the time he is at home. I am extremely hurt also by the lying, and told him I've completely lost my trust in him and don't know if we can get back to how we were. He is in an absolute state thinking I might go, and this is a good thing, as something needed to change. It's still a bit unsure what I will do or how we'll proceed, but he has apologised for disrespecting me and knows things have to change for me to stay around... Sorry for the detail... just got carried away! Thanks for the comments. Link to post Share on other sites
torturedlove Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Hey everyone I'm all new to this so be patient. This is my first post, I have a similar situation and question to bf online sex site. In my situation it is my husband of 10 years. And they are not just sex sites, but also dating sites. I found one this morning where he describes himself in correct detail, exactly what he's looking for in a women with in a 50 mile radius to our home for dating, possible dating/long term. We have a very active sex life. So is this just something guy's do. He's only 39 so its not quite a mid life thing? any advice appreciated. torturedlove Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZGT1503 Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Hey, I'm sorry to hear what you say. Since I was the one posting with no idea about why men do this, and also since I am no further in understanding it, I cannot really advise you on it! But I just wanted to support you in sorting it out, and to say that the only advice I can give is to go with your gut feeling if you have things out with him... you can kind of tell when something is genuine or if they're lying to get out of it. Best of luck and give us an update. Link to post Share on other sites
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