Men in Long-Term Relationships Who Don't Want to Marry

[Christopher1]

Oh, people. Marraige is a scrap of paper....with ferocious legal implications for the MAN! If women wonder why men are increasingly reluctant to tie the noose, er, knot, then spend some time researching what happens to men in the divorce court. Marraige will not make the relationship secure; it only ensures that the man gets a good arse-ripping when the woman decides she is tired of him. The odds are high that she will one day throw her husband out, and she will keep the children, the house, the car and much of his paycheck, not to mention much of his pension.

 

Women wanted independance. They stated loud and clear that they didn't need men; fish not needing bicycles and all of that. Men have been blasted for about four decades by women, and is it any surprise that many of us aren't willing to commit ourselves to women?

 

You have what you wanted. It's only going to get worse.

 

Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

 

Christopher

[slinkysu]

Oh, people. Marraige is a scrap of paper....with ferocious legal implications for the MAN! If women wonder why men are increasingly reluctant to tie the noose, er, knot, then spend some time researching what happens to men in the divorce court. Marraige will not make the relationship secure; it only ensures that the man gets a good arse-ripping when the woman decides she is tired of him. The odds are high that she will one day throw her husband out, and she will keep the children, the house, the car and much of his paycheck, not to mention much of his pension.

 

Women wanted independance. They stated loud and clear that they didn't need men; fish not needing bicycles and all of that. Men have been blasted for about four decades by women, and is it any surprise that many of us aren't willing to commit ourselves to women?

 

You have what you wanted. It's only going to get worse.

 

Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

 

Christopher

 

You seem a very embittered person indeed. Not all women are the same thank you very much, so perhaps a little less generalisation is needed and you may start to see people as people and appreicate them for their good qualities.

 

Also you are speaking from a very old fashioned perspective. In England there are more single women through choice and you in fact find more men looking for a wife and companionship than women. There are more women property buyers, living on their own and owning their own property, there are more female millionaires in the 25-40 age bracket than men and female landlords outstrip male landlords. Women actually have the money, career and property and aren't looking for a man to provide for them and the result is more men joining dating agencies and in search for a wife and family than women. I think it's safe to say we are enjoying the fruits of our labor and may I add that it is very sweet indeed

[littlekitty]

You seem a very embittered person indeed. Not all women are the same thank you very much, so perhaps a little less generalisation is needed and you may start to see people as people and appreicate them for their good qualities.

 

Also you are speaking from a very old fashioned perspective. In England there are more single women through choice and you in fact find more men looking for a wife and companionship than women. There are more women property buyers, living on their own and owning their own property, there are more female millionaires in the 25-40 age bracket than men and female landlords outstrip male landlords. Women actually have the money, career and property and aren't looking for a man to provide for them and the result is more men joining dating agencies and in search for a wife and family than women. I think it's safe to say we are enjoying the fruits of our labor and may I add that it is very sweet indeed

 

Word!!

 

I'm am just settling down now at 30. I have my own house, my own car, I have a good career. I wasn't overly bothered by being single, I was still too busy achieving the things I wanted in life. Now I'm ready to settle down and build a family.

 

But more women now strive for their indepenance, before wanting to settle down.

[ladyinwaiting]

I didn't really get marriage either, until I got engaged. Now I kind of get why so many people - especially those who have been married before - seem desperate to tie the know.

 

I'm one of the professional, independent woman spoken of above. I don't need a man for financial security, and even if I did, where I love you can get nearly the same rights in a long-term common law marriage anyway. I don't want to have children, and again, where I live, most are born out of wedlock and their parents marry later. I am not religious. I didn't really care one way or the other whether we got engaged. But now we are, well, things are different.

 

Marriage is more than a piece of paper from the government or a church. There are some additional rights which are nice, yes. But the far more significant part of it is that it's a declaration in front of friends and family that you are committed top staying together through thick and thin and making a life together. A commitment, especially such a public one, is a big things. It creates a moral obligation and expectation. It's embarrassing if you fail. But the upside is, it makes you more secure, and somehow makes fights ... well, not less important, but loess dire. I guess that's because it's harder to leave, not that financially or emotionally (cause both those issues are there isn spades in most long term defacto relationships), but also because you have decided to commit. I know that sounds weird, but it's the best I can describe it.

[Emack]

Hey, I know exactly what you are going through. I just found this site tonight and read other girls like you, who are in long-term relationships w/men that don't seem to want to take the next step. What is wrong w/these guys? My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years...no ring, no nothing! I, like you sometimes want to give him an ultimatum..but I know he'd just say 'well then this won't work'. he's so stubborn! My boyfriend and I are 24, like your boyfriend. I honestly believe it is a maturity issue on their part. I don't know how long it will take them to grow up, but it better be soon! I told him last week I'm not waiting around forever...I know he wants me in his life, but I just don't want to waste more years w/him if nothing is going to come of this. We have a great relationship and love each other so much.

I"m gonna get going but I just wanted to give you a 'hello' and let you know I'm in a very similar situation and its bad! I know how frustrating and maddening this feels. Let's keep in touch. I hope things work out for you two!!

[timidity99]

The only reason I would get married is if I accidentally have children. Other than that I want nothing to do with it.

[Woggle]

I am shocked to see men's paranoia with marriage here. You guys really want to have the milk for free, huh?

 

You do not lose anything anymore with marriage dudes. If you have past assets, they are protected by law. If you want to protect future earnings, you can do so with a prenup. Your wife will probably work too and contribute.

 

Anyhow, for all women with these fearful dudes (hey guys, you want no kids..or to have your kids have unmarried parents? Please) go to:

 

http://www.hiscoldfeet.com

 

A helpful website.

 

Men are not afraid of marriage but divorce and given that women these days are walking out in record numbers I don't blame men. If the couple has kids he will be torn out of their lives and men still do get raped in divorce court.

[Guest]

C'mon if the guy doesn't value you don't marry him, just value yourself and find someone who is willing to get married...why wait for him? It's your life right? Make some decisions.

[radiation7740]

There is a difference between a woman who says she wants to get married and a woman who says that she wants to marry you. The former implies that she wants to get married in general more than she wants to be with you. I think the majority of women in the US want to get married more than they want to get married to you. In other words they don't care who they marry as long as they get married. They get married just for the sake of being married.

 

It doesn't matter if the guy who proposes to her is a real a**h***. She'll marry him anyway. Woggle makes alot of good points. More and more men in the 21st century are wising up and seeing that marriage is an absolutely bad idea.

 

Ladies just what are you going to do if you find yourself in a position where the only guys who want to get married are abusive jerks? What are you going to do if the guys who are hesitant about getting married have alot of other attractive qualities? Are you going to walk away from a wonderful, loyal, sensitive, caring boyfriend just because he doesn't like the idea of marriage??

 

What if your only options for marriage after that are abusive jerks who want to control your life? Are you going to be that desperate to marry them just because your biological clock is ticking? As time goes on it's going to become harder and harder to find loyal guys who want to get married. More and more men are coming around to woggle's and my way of thinking.

[Woggle]

Women talk all the time about commitment and all that crap but are the first to walk out when things are not 100% perfect. I just think men are wising up to who is the real commitmentphobe. When the wedding fantasy is done women start to get bored because every single day is not like some romance novel and then one day they drop the divorce bomb and the man loses everything, gets to see his kids on weekends if he is lucky and gets screwed out of his money. Do you think men are looking forward to this? Hell no they are not and more often than not this is where a marriage is headed in the end.

[Bibiana]

Got to www.hiscoldfeet.com

 

It is a wonderful website with suggestions on what you should do. You will learn a LOT.

 

Bibi

[Bibiana]

Woggle, you really have a distorted view of reality.

 

Women lose as much as men in a divorce. Nowadays most parents get joint custody so both parents participate in their children's lives. Believe me, some Dads actually LIKE the fact they have some nights to themselves, especially when they are dating.

 

As for money, women work too, have you noticed? They also contribute to the household money. So both lose.

 

And if you are talking about the Donald Trump's of this world, these men make thier wives sign prenups and they don't lose anything.

 

Welcome to the new world.

[Bibiana]

"More and more men in the 21st century are wising up and seeing that marriage is an absolutely bad idea."

 

WOw radiation, what a negative view! Do you come from a broken home?

 

If every man had the negative view that you do, humanity would be extinct. We need marriage to provide the most stable conditions of a two parent household.

 

Thank god not every man is a CP like you!!

[Bibiana]

"Men are not afraid of marriage but divorce and given that women these days are walking out in record numbers I don't blame men. If the couple has kids he will be torn out of their lives and men still do get raped in divorce court."

 

Really? Guest is right. Men do not get raped in divorce courts anymore. Both lose. Or gain, if they prefer to be alone than married.

 

Second, many men leave their wives: for the secretary, for the co-worker, etc. Men cheat in business trips, men have mid life crisis. Just look around.

 

Have you not had luck with the ladies recently Woggle?

[Woggle]

Woggle, you really have a distorted view of reality.

 

Women lose as much as men in a divorce. Nowadays most parents get joint custody so both parents participate in their children's lives. Believe me, some Dads actually LIKE the fact they have some nights to themselves, especially when they are dating.

 

As for money, women work too, have you noticed? They also contribute to the household money. So both lose.

 

And if you are talking about the Donald Trump's of this world, these men make thier wives sign prenups and they don't lose anything.

 

Welcome to the new world.

 

Women do work as well but the courts still have the mentality that most of the financial burden falls on men. Men clearly lose more in divorce even though women support themselves as well plus the fact that most divorces are filed by women. Marriage for men is like russian roulette. It's a crapshoot and if a man bets wrong it can ruin his life.

[radiation7740]

"More and more men in the 21st century are wising up and seeing that marriage is an absolutely bad idea."

 

WOw radiation, what a negative view! Do you come from a broken home?

 

If every man had the negative view that you do, humanity would be extinct. We need marriage to provide the most stable conditions of a two parent household.

 

Thank god not every man is a CP like you!!

 

 

I believe that marriage is a good idea only if you want to have kids. Most of the men who still believe in marriage are abusive control freaks.

[radiation7740]

Unless a man wants kids he should just date exclusively for an indefinite period of time and never marry and never live with anybody. That's the best of both worlds.

[Woggle]

Unless a man wants kids he should just date exclusively for an indefinite period of time and never marry and never live with anybody. That's the best of both worlds.

 

I wouldn't go that far but men need to protect themselves. I made my fiance sign a prenup and I am protected in all areas just in case.

[Northwoods Runner]

"More and more men in the 21st century are wising up and seeing that marriage is an absolutely bad idea."

 

WOw radiation, what a negative view! Do you come from a broken home?

 

If every man had the negative view that you do, humanity would be extinct. We need marriage to provide the most stable conditions of a two parent household.

 

Thank god not every man is a CP like you!!

 

There are quite a few. I wish I could find the message on here when he was asking what marriage offers a man. Anyways it boiled down to not a hell of a lot. I have friends and relatives that have walked out on marriage as if the certificate didn't exist. So in reality it is not a hindrance to leaving.

 

I guess marriage does offer a man something. The court taking money and possessions away. Or getting EXTRA raped if you have children.

[radiation7740]

There are quite a few. I wish I could find the message on here when he was asking what marriage offers a man. Anyways it boiled down to not a hell of a lot. I have friends and relatives that have walked out on marriage as if the certificate didn't exist. So in reality it is not a hindrance to leaving.

 

I guess marriage does offer a man something. The court taking money and possessions away. Or getting EXTRA raped if you have children.

 

Even if the marriage certificate was a hinderance in leaving do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel incarcerated? If your spouse is staying with you only because it's a finanical inconvenience to leave then they are just using you. Is that the kind of marriage you want?

[Guest]

A lot of this arguing seems to me to be somewhat ridiculous. If a man loves a woman, sees a future with her, and doesn't want her to find anyone else, he will marry her, simple as that. If she's just convenient, if he's uncertain, or if he just doesn't see his future with her or with anyone, then he won't marry her, and no amount of whining, nagging or sulking is going to change anything. The only small exception I see are that very small group of leftie political types who strongly don't believe in marriage. But even every single one of those I have met has had some form of public ceremony in front of their friends and family. The men being bitched about on this forum usually won't even do that. What should that tell the women who cling to them?

 

I dated several men who wouldn't have married me in a blind fit, but I did so with open eyes. They were a fun distraction, and that was it. The current boyfriend had a reputation for being an eternal bachelor and a rogue, but when he met me, he changed, and we're now engaged. The change in the both of us was instant and noticeable to everyone. We both knew we'd found someone worth sacrificing some freedoms for.

 

All I can say is, girls, if marriage is so important to you that you are willing to humiliate yourselves with a man who is just not interested in it, then you need to reassess your priorities or move the heck on. A man who loves you as you love him will marry you. Don't waste your time with the ones who don't and won't.

[stillafool]

Guest, I have to agree with you on that one. I loved a man like no one has ever loved one. He dated me for 3 years and never said anything about marriage to me even though we were seeing each other sometimes 5 times a week. He met another girl while he was seeing me and within a year he was engaged to her. Guest is right!!! If they want you they will let you know and will marry you. You won't have to push them.

[Cecelius]

This thread is pretty long in the tooth.

 

If you want to get married, and he doesn't, then decide whether that makes you feel bad enough to leave him.

 

Personally, I agree with whoever said that marriage (as a legal institution) offers a man, in general, very little overall. I'd be in support of abolishing it as a legal institution (or at least making divorce automatic, unilateral and having no continuing effects after the fact). After that, I suspect more men would be inclined to get married.

 

The nature of commitment isn't that one agree to be forced to attend to a certain set of obligations; rather it is that each and every day one commits to what one has built.

 

Marriage, as a legal institution, is one of only a couple of legal situations a person can put him or herself into that brings with it by its very nature other people who can legally interfere with your life (military service and the criminal justice system are the only ones I can think of). The idea that someone will always have that kind of legal pull over you is a pretty significant thing and not to be taken lightly.

 

As to the debate above about who gets reamed out in a divorce, my sense, unscientific as it is, is that women are seen more kindly by the courts overall, and that because they tend to make more money, they are responsible for a greater share of the payments. A lot of men get slammed late in the marriage by the assertions that the Mrs was at home with the kids as part of some deal he doesn't remember making, and the fact that she cannot pay for her existence in life is his problem.

[Guest]

Sorry to say but if u have been dating him for 8 years and he still hasnt asked u than dont count on him asking. u need to break up with the loser and get ureself a real man and not a little boy who's affraid of commitment.

[Guest]

I fell in love with my Bf 8 years ago. He had been married only 4 month, and my husband died. When we met he had been divorced for over 1 year. We both have children from our previous marriages, so we are like the brady bunch. We fell in love immediately and spent all the time in the world together and with our children.

 

Finally one year into it he asked us to all move in together. So we did! Everything was excellant!! After 6 yrs of living together he asked me to marry him (with no ring..not a big deal so I thought). Then after 1 year of still no ring and date made, my children and I bought our own house and moved out. Please don't get me wrong I don't need a ring!! It just showed that he was leading me on to believe that we would get there.

 

After approx 6 months we started seeing each other again. We have been together now 2 years. He had his brother move in with him when I left. So for the last 6 months he stated " Once my brother moves out we can get married and etc......) So believing in his word I stayed with him. He even went and bought the ring. (it sits in his sock drawer) I told him that I would not wait forever and not to lead me on.

 

Recently his brother has moved out, and I asked "where are we going, what is our future?' He thought about it over a week and stated " I never want to get married." So everything he told me, and even the ring was a big lie.

 

I am so confused and disappointed! My friends say stick it out, others say move on. One of my friends said " So he cannot give that to you. He still loves you and wants to be with you. (she is married) Do you really want to clean up after him, cook for him etc. You have what all of us married people want. To me this made since- however it is not the same. I am in a rock and a hard place. I asked him "Why, did I do something?" He stated he likes it the way it is. This was very selfish of him, and I believe he needs to grow up and quit living out the pain of his 1st marriage.

 

He has left it up to me to either stay or break up. This is not an easy for me! How convinent - I get to be the one that looks like the ass that couldn't stand by her man. I feel as if I am going through a divorce, this has been my family. And because he cannot "give" it maybe all over.