Un-Friendzoning my best friend

[FishTale]

Short backstory:

I friendzoned a guy friend of mine a long time ago. He was flirting with me constantly but at the time there was already another guy in my life. Since I don’t date more than one person at the same time, I told my friend I didn’t see him that way (before he may have asked me out) and that I liked someone else (which was true at the time), and he respectfully backed off while remaining friendly. Over time we became best friends, and some girl asked him out and he started dating her instead. I was happy for him that he found someone, but unfortunately they only lasted three months. Meanwhile my then boyfriend turned out to be abusive, and when I finally realised what was happening I dumped him. That was a tough period in my life. My friend was there for me the entire relationship, right through the breakup, and all the little bumps that followed. We can talk to each other about anything at all, and I’m always relaxed around him and his family (and I love his family) because I know I can be myself without being judged. I trust him with my life.

 

Fast forward to the present (about six months later):

My best guy friend and I are seeing each other more often. He is usually the one to invite me out, though when we hang out together alone, he doesn’t flirt with me at all anymore; he never makes a move. Then again he's single and isn't seeing or flirting with anyone else, either. He’s a complete gentleman, always opening doors for me, making sure I’m comfortable, etc… but he’s like that with everyone. He also has a few other female friends, but it appears I’m the only one he hangs out with on a regular basis like this, and invites to family events and dinners. I often wonder if he’s still harboring feelings for me but thinks I still only see him as a friend.

 

I’d like to change that. In the last few weeks I’ve started to see my friend in a different light. After getting to know him so closely, and seeing how well we get along, I think we would be pretty compatible as a couple (not to mention I’m starting to find him physically attractive).

 

…but I’m afraid that he may have moved on long ago and doesn’t feel that way anymore. Though I would be disappointed, I think I could take that answer if that’s how he feels. What I couldn’t take is if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, either. I cherish our friendship above many things in my life, and I’ve expressed this to him on a regular basis. The last thing I want to do is destroy what we’ve built over two years by saying the wrong thing and making things too awkward.

 

How can try to I reverse this friendzoning with someone I’ve known for two years, strictly platonically? Would it be best to go gradually and try to see if he still has any feelings at all for me, or be straight up and tell him my feelings for him are changing? I don’t want to mess this up… any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[RavenousDebris]

I became best friends with a girl from college for about 8 months and had a similar experience. I told her how I felt, but she was interested in someone else.

 

They didn't last long, so after she lost him I persisted, and tried to win her over. She seemed mildly interested, but would never give in.

 

It wasn't until I moved on and started treating her like a regular friend that she turned the tables on me and started to chase me.

 

See, for the sake of our friendship I kind of put up a front at that point. I was basically in love with her, but I decided to act like nothing more than a friend because that's what she told me she wanted.

 

She eventually made it clear, however, that she was interested in me, and we were together officially within a week.

 

You're just going to have to put yourself out there. He has to know you're interested in him. I'd casually bring up the prospect in a conversation, when you're both having a good time. Just ask him if he'd ever think of trying to date you. If he says yes, kiss him. If he says no, drop the subject.

[norajane]

You were straight up earlier in telling him you didn't see him that way; you ought to be just as straight up about telling him that you now do see him that way. You've been going gradually already...and if you're waiting for him to ask you out, it's not likely he ever will after what you told him before.

What I couldn’t take is if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, either.

 

If your friendship didn't suffer when you told him you weren't interested in him, why would it suffer now? He was able to handle it with grace when you weren't interested. If it suffers, it will only be because YOU can't handle being "just friends" with him if it turns out he no longer has feelings for you.

[Yamaha]

I would ask him if he still feels more than friends for you. If he says no then you can decide if you want to continue as friends or if that would be to painful now that your feelings have changed.

 

If you two are true friends then having feeling should not end a good friendship.

[monkey00]

that may be what you want, and if you guys manage to hit it off thats great.

However you also take the risk of losing the friendship overall if things dont work out even after evolving the friendship to more.

 

If you're willing to take the risk then go for it...make a move or tell him.

Bring back the time when he once told you, and make reference to it and you say your thing

[magda]

I think you should just make a move, like to kiss him. See how it feels. Too much talking will just make it awkward when what you really want is to see if you can get physical. Otherwise talking is going to get you into an awkward date or a full blown relationship before you've even made out.

 

The good thing about this method is if it doesn't work out and he's not into it you can just say you drank too much, sorry.

[Outcast]

I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than going in for a kiss not knowing if the intended target is even interested in being kissed.

 

I suggest something a little less drastic. You could say that you recall his earlier suggestion that you two make a couple and that you've thought about it somewhat. Then watch his face and see if he looks hopeful. That way you won't be left hanging in midair with your lips aimed at nothing and your face red.

[FishTale]

For the record, he never actually told me directly that he liked me or asked me out, but it was so blatantly obvious in his actions (that and one of his friends can’t keep his mouth shut) that I saw it coming.

 

You’re right; if it’s a true friendship (and I believe it is) it will survive even if he doesn’t feel the same. I’m trying not to build this up too much in the event he says no.

 

You’re also right that because of the past he is not going to ask me out. I’m the one that needs to move here.

 

I’ve learned from the past (and he’s told me himself) subtle doesn’t work, especially when it’s happening to you… so I’m going to just have to bring it up in conversation I guess. Hopefully this weekend when I invite him over… a plan is forming in my mind!

 

The irony of this is I have suddenly not heard from him or been able to find him for three days straight, which as of late is unusual (he was emailing or messaging me every day from work). I was going to invite him over this weekend (we usually do something on Friday or the weekend, and it’s my turn to host anyway). He’s probably just out with family though, so just my luck, I have to wait until he turns up now.

 

I don’t know if I should kiss him… I certainly like the idea (blushing here), but I’ve never been very close physically to him. If it goes well I’ll have to see if the situation feels right for that. I’m defiantly not just going to lunge for him, knock him off his feet and tear off his clothes uncontrollably (though, he might like that, lol). I think it would make more sense to go as slow as possible. Only until recently I saw him as a cousin or brother… going from sitting three inches apart to making out is a bit too fast I think!

 

Thanks for all the help; I’ll post an update when something happens.

[Guest]

Your story is unusual and amazing at the same time! It's a general belief that girls never date their male friends.

 

That said, I am curious to know what made you to see him in a different light? Did he do something that attracted you? Did his value increase after he started dating the other girl? What exactly was it?

 

I am so curious because you have mentioned that up until now you saw him as a cousin or a brother.

 

I wish you the very best. Hope this works out for you.

[FishTale]

Thanks, I hope it works out too...

 

It is very rare... but I've seen it happen before. My general belief is that friendships are good foundations for relationships. However in my situation I never foresaw this happening. I never thought that I'd feel this way towards him.

 

 

I saw him as a family member as we are always able to talk about very personal or private issues with each other, and I could never imagine doing anything physically intimate with him. As it is, I still can’t imagine being extremely intimate with him yet, but I can imagine kissing him… whereas I couldn’t before.

 

His value never increased -- He's always been a priceless friend to me (sounds cheesy, but it's true). Him dating another girl had no effect on me, because at that time I was quite taken by my own boyfriend. That was a long time ago -- and both those relationships are long gone. At that time I was simply happy that a good friend of mine had found someone.

 

I don't know exactly what is was, but generally I think what made me see him as a potential boyfriend and not so much a friend anymore was the series of evenings together and outings he invited me on in the last couple of months.

 

During those outings we got to spend a lot of time alone, and I got to see sides of him I'd never seen before (and unlike my ex, they didn't end up being bad sides). On some of the outings where we were doing some outdoor sports, I got to see him doing what he does best while he encouraged me to be my best… it was sexy.

 

We have been seeing each other about once or twice a week… he’s been quite persistent in wanting to see me (he would go out of his way, even, to see me). Those evenings felt like we were dating, and it started to turn gears in my head thinking, “What if we actually did date? What would it be like?”

 

I started listing all of the things I liked about our friendship and about him, and it basically spelled out for me: Isn’t this what love is? Why not try to take it further? What have I been doing?! This could actually work!

 

I don’t know what happened this week, because the second I’m ready to tell him all of this, we don’t do anything this week. Go figure.

[Yamaha]

I think the reason people are so interested in a friendship moving to a romantic relationship is that you don't see your friend in a romantic way. Opposite-sex friends become that way usually because they have been friends for years or you like the person and you have common interests but there is no physical attraction.

 

Most people think that the attraction is either there or it is not so to have it occur after knowing someone for a time is unique. Also people are afraid to spoil a good friendship because romantic ones come and go but a good friend is hard to come by. If it does work out I think it has the potential for a very lasting relationship.

[Timberlane]

If only he could read exactly what you wrote here. That would be ideal! Explain to him about your attraction being a new thing, and that the timing before was off for you. Let him know he shouldn't feel any pressure, just that you feel this way. I think if he found you attractive in the past and now knows it is reciprical, he would be interested.

[Outcast]

Most people think that the attraction is either there or it is not so to have it occur after knowing someone for a time is unique

 

Actually, it's happened to me more than once and every time this kind of thread gets posted others pipe up and say the same.

 

You can grow to like the looks of someone you care about - to the point of sexual attraction. Sex is, after all, in the head. At its best, it's the physical expression of love so growing to love someone and becoming attracted to that person isn't bizarre or unusual. Lots of people get into affairs though they started as 'friends first' and people also marry who start that way.

[Yamaha]

Actually, it's happened to me more than once and every time this kind of thread gets posted others pipe up and say the same.

 

You can grow to like the looks of someone you care about - to the point of sexual attraction. Sex is, after all, in the head. At its best, it's the physical expression of love so growing to love someone and becoming attracted to that person isn't bizarre or unusual. Lots of people get into affairs though they started as 'friends first' and people also marry who start that way.

 

Thanks, Outcast. I totally agree with your analysis of friendships and attraction but I also think that the maturity factor has a big influence on someones interest level.

[FishTale]

This is going to be more difficult than I thought… but then I’ve always had a hard time telling guys I like them.

 

I had him alone at my place today; we were doing our normal ‘friend things’, laughing and talking, but I could never bring it up. It just never fit into a conversation and my brain froze when I was thinking of saying it. I was so relaxed with him, but yet I couldn't. I can’t believe some of the taboo I can discuss with him… and I can’t even say this to him. Boo me.

 

At the same time I’m becoming more and more attracted to him, and that’s not making it any easier! D: Help?

[monkey00]

Hmm how about something less face to face like e-mail, txt message or mail?

If you wait too long someone else can snatch him up, its now or never.

[Yamaha]

Hmm how about something less face to face like e-mail, txt message or mail?

If you wait too long someone else can snatch him up, its now or never.

 

 

I disagree. Words can be misconstrued and it is hard to write exactly what it is you wish to say. You need to man/woman- up and spill the beans. Remember he liked you before and if you are interested in someone once you can rekindle those feelings pretty easily, given the right circumstances.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Just make sure that you don't talk too much. I was in similar situation long time ago. I fell for my best guy friend. We have been friends for 3 years and I decided to write him an email about my feelings. He told me that he feels the same but we need to talk things through before rushing into anything. So we had a series of loooong conversations. About how us dating will affect our friendship if things don't work out. About how because we know each other so well it would be an extremly serious relationship very likely leading to marriage. Yes , we actually discussed marriage before we even made out. When everything was settled and we finally agreed that we are a couple, things got weird. First time we made out it was extremly awkward. Neither of us felt any passion, it was just soo clumsy and nothing like I imagined it would be. We tried few more times and our "relationship" lasted 2 weeks before going back to friends. So much for marriage

 

Nowdays he has a long term girlfriend and we are no longer friends. If we run into each other, we can barely find anything to say - and this was a person I could talk about anything for hours on end. All I'm saying is be carefull as going further will change your friendship for good. Please don't make the same mistake that I did in overtalking and overanalysing things - get physical as soon as possible.

[FishTale]

Considering the people magnet that he is, I really do need to make a move soon. It’s not like he’s going to wait around for me.

 

Yamaha, you put my thoughts exactly. I do need to woman up! E-mailing doesn’t work, I’ve done it before and it makes things awkward. It seems like a good idea, but I’ve learned the hard way it’s just not as good as face-to-face. I want to do it right this time. Easier said than done, though…

 

SadandConfused, thanks for your story, I’ll keep that in mind.

[Outcast]

I had him alone at my place today; we were doing our normal ‘friend things’, laughing and talking, but I could never bring it up. It just never fit into a conversation and my brain froze when I was thinking of saying it. I was so relaxed with him, but yet I couldn't. I can’t believe some of the taboo I can discuss with him… and I can’t even say this to him. Boo me.

 

Understandable. It's a scary thing to put your heart out there and risk someone saying 'no thanks'. Mind you, in your case he did it and you were the 'no thanks' person and your friendship survived - but it will still sting a bit and I imagine that's what you're avoiding.

 

Sometimes it is a nice, safe, (albeit cowardly) way out to keep the status quo and imagine 'what might be' without actually finding out that it mightn't be at all.

 

First time we made out it was extremly awkward. Neither of us felt any passion

 

I'd caution against launching yourself into something physical right away. Rather, if he likes the idea of you as more than friends, go out on that basis and let the physical passion develop normally. If you just start kissing on one another without being moved to in the moment, it's destined to fall flat, I suspect.

[FishTale]

I think I know what to make of this but I can’t be sure.

 

Last night by chance he caught me online on a messenger (I almost never use them) and asked if I wanted to come over. He lives at the other end of town and at that late an hour I have no safe transportation to get there. When I told him that he was so insistent on coming to pick me up (and constantly reminded me that it was no big deal). I told him we could just get together tomorrow so he wouldn’t have to drive me all over the place, he became even more persistent (because he was busy the next day), so I just decided to let him do it. Besides, I wanted to go.

 

My sister was laughing at me as I got ready to go, because she thinks its now painfully obvious again what he thinks of me. So did I.

 

We talked all the way to his house. After thanking him for picking me up, the conversation went on and ended up being perfect for what I wanted to say.

 

I said, “You know if you ever did want to ask me out, I wouldn’t refuse.” and he went dead silent (which is highly unusual as he usually never shuts up ). I could have cut the tension with a knife. Thankfully we were just stopping at a red light, because he seemed kind of stunned. I added, “I’m serious!” in case he was confused, then said nothing else about it because I wanted to see if he would respond to my comment at all. He didn't. The silence was awkward, so I eventually started talking about something else. When I broke the silence he went, “Wuh?” (like I said, just a little dazed…) and I had to repeat myself. After that it was back to normal for the rest of the night, no awkward moments.

 

Though he did seem just a little different the rest of the night – in a good way. It could have been my imagination but he seemed more devious than normal, more charged… I certainly felt something more charged in the air, especially when I managed to look him straight in the eye a few times.

We were playing a video game right before I left, and he kept saying, “One more round, just one more round and then you can go.” after about six more…

 

But other than that there was no change – business as usual with my gentleman friend. I wasn’t sad at all because I had a fun time, but I think I may have my answer now. Or maybe I’m expecting too much too soon? I don’t know.

 

Also, I did talk to a mutual male friend who believes 100% that my best friend sees me as more than that. And yet… I still have to wonder. Maybe I’m just blind.

 

Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

[Yamaha]

I would say that his lack of response is a good sign. He was dumbfounded by your admission and he needed time to process it.

 

Your next few days should tell you all you need to know. If he backs off and starts avoiding you then he doesn't want to go there but I really don't see that happening ( but I have been wrong before, maybe once. )

[stoopid_guy]

I said, “You know if you ever did want to ask me out, I wouldn’t refuse.” and he went dead silent (which is highly unusual as he usually never shuts up ). I could have cut the tension with a knife. Thankfully we were just stopping at a red light, because he seemed kind of stunned. I added, “I’m serious!” in case he was confused, then said nothing else about it because I wanted to see if he would respond to my comment at all. He didn't. The silence was awkward, so I eventually started talking about something else. When I broke the silence he went, “Wuh?” (like I said, just a little dazed…) and I had to repeat myself. After that it was back to normal for the rest of the night, no awkward moments.

Of course the poor guy's confused! He just asked you out, you accepted, then told him you "wouldn't refuse" if he asked you out.

 

I'd suggest you be a bit more explicit and intimate. Instead of "wouldn't refuse" if he asked you out, "wouldn't turn away if you tried to kiss me" would give him a better feel of where you're coming from, and boost his confidence too.

[FishTale]

I wish it hadn't been pitch black out, so I could have seen the expression on his face (or maybe the intensity of his blushing).

 

I would say that his lack of response is a good sign. He was dumbfounded by your admission and he needed time to process it.

Really... Wow.

I probably won't see or talk to him until this coming weekend. I'm going to be out all week and he knows it, too. That should give him a lot of time to process it.

 

(I hope you keep that record of being wrong maybe only once. )

 

 

Of course the poor guy's confused! He just asked you out, you accepted, then told him you "wouldn't refuse" if he asked you out.

 

He denies that we're dating. Until last night, every time we've brought it up we've always joked about how everyone thinks we are.

 

You're right though, if he is liking this I need to help boost his confidence back up, since I was the one that friendzoned him in the first place...

 

Maybe if it's still going well, next time there's an appropriate moment I'll say something like... "What would you do if I kissed you right now?"

...and I'll do it in a lighter area so I can see his expression this time. (and it should be a priceless expression, and maybe a high-pitched squeak of speechlessness... I love it when he does that)

 

 

Thanks for the help so far, I don't think I would have done what I've done so far without reading the replies. I needed a confidence boost too!

[FishTale]

I'm kind of worried now...

 

It could have just been a busy weekend for him, but this is the first weekend this summer that we didn't do anything together, or talk much by email or whatever. It's usually the highlight of my week and has become so routine that I really miss it...

 

On Friday I got excited when he logged on and immediately (literally, there was no time between the sign-in noise and the message) started asking me how my week was, but then he suddenly had to go when I was going to ask him about his week. I didn't think much of it because I knew he was being summoned to help with the yard work...

 

Then the next day the same thing happened, he was online for maybe a minute or two, then suddenly had to go when I started getting into the conversation. There didn't seem to be any reason this time... it just seemed so cold. At this point I really wanted to talk to him because I hadn't all week.

 

Today I didn't even get a glimpse of him. Highly unusual as he's usually just sitting around on Sundays.

 

Who knows...?

 

Now, there's a good chance I could be reading too much into it. I tend to become hypersensitive when waiting for answers. ...but it just seems to me that after this amount of time, nothing is going to happen. My comment (which could even be interpreted as a simple complement), followed by a change in the tempo of our relationship...

 

I shed a few tears last night thinking how we may not hang out anymore because of one simple comment. I know I took a risk, I have to accept that, but it still hurts... I may have lost my best friend.