Un-Friendzoning my best friend

[Yamaha]

It still might not be over. He may be using a tried and true method of getting the gal to go crazy over you. Men will lay low and keep the convo short and let her think that he is busy and not obsessing over her. If the gal has any interest it will drive them crazy, as it seems to be doing to you. He also may be backing away from your friendship. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet.

[Nicholas]

For the record, he never actually told me directly that he liked me or asked me out, but it was so blatantly obvious in his actions (that and one of his friends can’t keep his mouth shut) that I saw it coming.

 

So isn't it still obvious in his actions? Does the friend still have a loose tongue?

 

You forcefully shot him down. If you want a relationship with him, you're going to have to stick your neck out and tell him. You might not get what you want; however, you probably will.

[FishTale]

Thanks again for the comments.

 

It still might not be over. He may be using a tried and true method of getting the gal to go crazy over you.

I really hope the that's the case. It IS working... however if he does this too much longer I'm going to take it that he wants me to back off. He's usually really consistent in his actions, so this sudden change is unnerving.

Though it could have just been a hectic weekend for him, and I'm overreacting.

 

 

Should I do / say anything else? Or just let things run their course for now?

 

So isn't it still obvious in his actions? Does the friend still have a loose tongue?

Heh heh, it's never obvious when it's happening to you. Like I think I said before, he is super-polite to everyone, but for a while he seemed to be focusing on me a whole lot more than anyone else. He doesn't flirt with me in more than a friendly way (bantering...), so I can't really tell if he wants to be more than friendly anymore.

 

Way back before I friendzoned him he would tickle me, poke me, and randomly hide objects of mine (then I’d have to play fight him to get it back).

 

The loose-tongued friend was the one that said the other day, "I wouldn't be surprised if he liked you as more than a friend." Then he went on wondering what my best friend's reaction would be if I made a move, and if I would mind if my friend tried to seduce me. Then he made a few sexual jokes about it... (typical of him... )

[FishTale]

We had a long, excited conversation last night over a hobby we share. Just normal, fun friend stuff. I’m happy with that because I know now I haven’t killed the friendship. We also talked vaguely about the next time we’re going to get together. However it won’t be this week because he’s going on a trip with his family. He told me that’s why he may not be able to talk much this week. I just told him to go have fun, and about few interesting places to visit in that city.

 

 

We haven’t seen each other in person since my remark in the car, and I’d like to before I possibly have to give up and go back to the friendzone for good. However I don’t know what seeing him in person will do… I don’t expect him to say anything about my remark at this point; it’s been over a week.

 

A few people have said I should stick my neck out more and ramp it up…

Next time I see him should I say something a little more direct? My casual comment may have been a little too casual?

 

I’ve thought about it, and I’m definitely not going to kiss him by surprise. Knowing the way he is, it would be too forward. I remember a conversation once where we were talking about that kind of thing…

It’s a little too forward for even me! (though I would like to kiss him)

 

Until then I’m going to try not to think of it much…

[Moai]

As a guy, I would say that you are on the right track, for sure.

 

Men don't "friend" women the way that women do men. If he was attracted to you before, he is attracted to you now. I know several women I have known for years and am very close to that if I were single I'd date in a second.

 

My current girlfriend was (and is) my best friend before we started dating, and it happened almost exactly the way you describe your situation--except I made the first move.

 

Don't worry if he doesn't dive right in to a relationship with you, either. Play it cool, continue to be friends like you are now, and suddenly it'll all be as it should be--which is awesome! The more you show that you are still his friend and that his interest (or lack of) isn't breaking you emotionally, the more he'll think about you as a girlfriend. I don't know why, but it works like a charm with me.

 

I would advise taking the physical thing very slowly. We started by kissing and cuddling with no expectations and it grew into the full-blown passion thing. And by slowly I mean like a week or so:cool:

 

Good luck, and please keep us updated on your situation!

[Guest]

My current girlfriend was (and is) my best friend before we started dating, and it happened almost exactly the way you describe your situation--except I made the first move.

 

Wow what an aweosme thread.

 

Moai how did you get your female friend to date you? I thought it is almost impossible for a woman to date her guy friend.

 

Play it cool, continue to be friends like you are now, and suddenly it'll all be as it should be--which is awesome! The more you show that you are still his friend and that his interest (or lack of) isn't breaking you emotionally, the more he'll think about you as a girlfriend. I don't know why, but it works like a charm with me.

 

As a guy can I do the same thing to my female friend? Will it work? I am crazy about her and she also seems to like me a lot. She insists on meeting up a lot. But she says she is only interested in friendship when i asked her for a date

[FishTale]

Okay, so I'm going to play it cool for now. University starts soon, and we're going to the same one, so there will be plenty of time ahead.

 

Though, I still can't help but feel I wasn't direct enough...

He was always the one telling me "Subtle hints don't work on us guys. Use the sledgehammer of knowledge on us!"

 

Men don't "friend" women the way that women do men. If he was attracted to you before, he is attracted to you now. I know several women I have known for years and am very close to that if I were single I'd date in a second.

Interesting...

 

I know of one real life case of that. A different male friend of mine admitted to liking me, and would date me if he was single. It was kind of awkward for a while after he said that, but to this day we're still good friends.

 

My current girlfriend was (and is) my best friend before we started dating, and it happened almost exactly the way you describe your situation--except I made the first move.

That's awesome.

 

Ahh... but you made the first move.

I have a hard time imagining someone, especially my friend, asking me out. It just never happens. Guys (and even a girl once...) flirt and suggest, but it's always been me who gets the relationship started. They will sit there, stroking my leg with theirs under the table (like my hardly subtle ex), but not ask me out.

People have told me it's because I can be intimidating. I don't feel very intimidating...

 

I would advise taking the physical thing very slowly. We started by kissing and cuddling with no expectations and it grew into the full-blown passion thing. And by slowly I mean like a week or so:cool:

Hehe...

I don't think this will be a problem.

 

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

 

 

She insists on meeting up a lot. But she says she is only interested in friendship when i asked her for a date

Unfortunately, you got friendzoned.

 

I don't know her circumstances for doing that to you, but I friendzoned my best friend because I was unavailable at the time. I also didn't feel anything more than friendly for him back then, as I was quite taken by someone else already.

[Moai]

I didn't really DO anything to get my friend to date me. I just hung out and listened when she talked and was genuinely her friend.

 

I wasn't all needy and clingy ever, which I think is important. I would flirt with other girls in front of her, too. And I didn't tell her how I really felt about her until AFTER we were dating.

 

This isn't the first time a friend has turned into a lover, but this is the first time she was actually my best friend and the passion for her increased gradually, instead of me wanting her but settling for friends. Maybe that's part of it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

FishTale,

 

If you are feeling kind of in a limbo, yes you should be more direct. When I liked my friend subtle hints didn't work at all and I had to basically tell him that I like him and want to go out with him.

 

If you want a direct answer, you have to ask a direct question

[Moai]

I think it depends, too, on how you actually feel for the person. If you are friends with the girl because you are settling for that because she won't be romantic with you, you are probably doomed.

 

The relationship I am in now just naturally evolved that way. I can't explain it, and as I said, I didn't DO anything. I just genuinely cared about her and listened to her and treated her with respect and now she can't keep her hands off me. Dammit.

 

Before this relationship started I told another female friend (who is SMOKING hot) that I was just hanging around waiting for the inevitable night when she got hammered and we had sex and she said, "oh, that is so sweet!" and kissed me on the cheek. There are other girls I know who would have freaked out if I said that. It pays to know your audience. I was not, and am not, pining away for her at all, which girls can somehow sense. Had I been longing for her and said that I am sure it would have creeped her out, too. But I was also honest about the fact that, yes, I am a guy, and I'd pretty much sleep with any hot woman at any time if given the chance. The great thing is now I sleep with a hot woman all the time--and it is always the same one!

[Guest]

He has made his move and was rejected. He is not going to stick is neck out again. Its a pride thing. If he's interested you are going to have to flat out make it 110% obvious...like stupid obvious...green lights and bells buzzing obvious or he is going to play dumb. You are lucky that he stuck around you so long as a friend. Most guys would have blown you off... he is a better man than me

[FishTale]

He just wants to be friends.

 

He figured out what I wanted to talk about before I could see him in person, and he told me over a messenger.

 

He is afraid that we will end up like me and my ex, or him and his ex, and he doesn't want to loose the friendship.

 

I'm pretty dissapointed after all this. This is just one of many times I was SO SURE about something, but it didn't happen.

 

Thanks for all your help...

[Guest]

He just wants to be friends.

 

He figured out what I wanted to talk about before I could see him in person, and he told me over a messenger.

 

He is afraid that we will end up like me and my ex, or him and his ex, and he doesn't want to loose the friendship.

 

I'm pretty dissapointed after all this. This is just one of many times I was SO SURE about something, but it didn't happen.

 

Thanks for all your help...

 

I am very very sorry to hear this Fishtale. Bad luck huh?

 

Don't worry though. You did the right thing. You changed your mind and you were brave enough to tell him that.

 

One thing I don't understand. If a guy or a girl is really interested would they come up with excuses like "Hey I don't want to lose our friendship"??

 

I also don't see the logic behind it. If you like someone so much then what is the issue with taking it to the next level? Life is full of risks and I guess this is one of those situations where you risk your friendship and go for a relationship. So what.. tomorrow if he falls in love with a girl he won't take the step of getting married? because there is this risk of divorce? This seems like total BS to me.

 

And what if now you are heart-broken and don't want to hangout with him anymore? The friendship is gone in this case too. But what are you going to do? Suck it up and continue to be his friend and hang-out with him like you usually do?

 

PS: Fistale I have only heard of women using this "I don't want to lose our friendship" sentence. Men don't do it... If we want something we go for it, screw everything else. Honestly if this is what he told you then I would say that he is not that into you. In which case you are better off without this guy.

[FishTale]

I know, I totally agree. He took the easy way out, which is part of what upsets me. I wish he could have just said "I just don't see you that way", point blank, because I know that's what that means.

 

Every guy I've met so far (you're not all like this, I realise, I've just had terrible luck) has not had the guts to either ask me out or reject me without making some kind of b/s excuse. If you just tell me the blunt truth, you won't make me cry. It's so much easier to accept when it's plain and simple.

 

 

 

I honestly probably won't be hanging out with him as much until I have completely set aside my new feelings. I need to focus on something else for a while -- like fixing me! A lot of old feelings came back when he brought up my ex, and apparently I haven't worked through all those troubles. I thought I had moved on and have been feeling great until he made that comparison.

 

He on the other hand, keeps expressing friendship and how he wants to continue what we have. He apologized for bringing up the ex and hurting me... he told me over and over how sorry he is that he doesn't feel the same. Now he's trying to make me laugh... it's working a bit...

 

I agree with what you say about him meeting another girl and not risking marriage because of a possible divorce... my ex made an excuse akin to that when we were breaking up. It doesn't make sense. You can't see the future. It seems no one wants to take risks. Why am I the only one willing to take risks?! ...and I consider myself more of a coward than most people...

[Almost]

Wow, I would have agreed with Moai that guys don't "friendzone" girls, if they are attracted to a girl physically, they will always be and would welcome a change of heart by the girl.

 

I would have thought that if he once thought of you as more than a friend, then he still would. Maybe he does but is chickening out with the "don't want to lose you as a friend" excuse. He might be fooling himself with that line because he's afraid.

 

It sounds like if this is going to work and end up in a happily ever after ending, it's going to take a while and both of you will have to have a lot of time to think and process things. But in the meantime one or both of you might move on to other people.

 

I would keep an open mind and try to stay friends and see what happens. You never know. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

[FishTale]

We still got together over the weekend. He picked me up at my house, took me out on the lake with his sailboat, then home to a (rather formal) dinner and and evening with his family. Then he drove me home, across the city, late at night. (if he doesn't consider that romantic... <lifts eyebrow> oh well...) We had a really fun, not awkward, time. I think I'll be okay with friends, as I'm not pining away for him, but I'm rather baffled that he treats his friends like this.

 

You never know. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

I agree, which is why I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I have university to focus on, and there are plenty of attractive guys there to ogle in the meantime.

[Yamaha]

I am sure he still likes you romantically but he has chosen to be a friend only. I would continue on with your life and be his friend but look for a romance with another. It will be interesting how he reacts when your time with him is diminished because you have a new fella your hanging with.

 

Good luck to you.

[moises786]

i know this is random but if your looking for comfort listen to music

 

check out

 

sonata arctica " The End Of This Chapter" album : Silence

sonata arctica " Last Drop Last" album : Silence

sonata arctica " Sing In Silence" album : Silence

 

those are all soft songs u should look in to em and read the lyrics hope they make u feel better.

[Guest]

Yeah..I'm going through the exact same thing. I understand all the emotions you're going through. I'm wondering if guys do friendzone girls because it seems like it's possible.

 

I am happy that you still have your friend. =)

 

Maybe, when my post gets approved by the moderators, you can give me some feedback. It's called something like "Guys friendzone girls?" I think.

 

I hope you all the best.

 

College is amazing. Freshman year is great. Enjoy it!

[FishTale]

Thanks all... I'm happy I sill have my friend, too.

 

 

I am sure he still likes you romantically but he has chosen to be a friend only.

Interesting... Generally speaking, what are the reasons a guy might want to do that?

 

 

...and yeah, it will be interesting when I find someone else. Last time that kind of a situation happened (that bad ex of mine when my best friend was first flirting with me) he appeared quite crushed.

[Guest]

just ask him if you can sit on it, he will get the hint

[Guest]

It's funny. I posted a few months back asking if guys "friend zone" girls and I don't think anyone ever replied. Maybe cause there wasn't a story with it.

 

At least now it's good to see someone discussing it. I'd love to hear more opinions! Thanks for getting this started FishTale! Not to get your hopes up, but seems to me like your situation has potential. Best of luck.

 

In my situation, I've fallen for a close friend of mine. Trouble is, I wasn't sure I was emotionally ready for a relationship with anyone, especially him. The main reason is that he's been pining (yes, *pining*) for this other girl (girl #1) for years. She friends-zoned him years ago (he asked her out, she said not right now). Yet, he continues; he says he's ok with this.

 

However, during these years he also showed clear interest in other girls. Sometimes I think he may have had/has interest in me but gave up/is giving up on me...

 

I just worry that even if he's interested in myself or another girl it's just a temporary fix until (hypothetically) #1 on his list "comes around."

 

I'm not sure I'm cool with knowing I'd be #2.

 

Ya'll's Thoughts?

[Guest]

I see there is a least one other active post of this subject and wanted to correct myself. (It's been a while since I checked the 'shack I guess.) Nevertheless, I'm still glad to see it being discussed.

[mental_traveller]

Use the time-honoured solution - beer.

 

Also, you've given up way too soon. People don't say what they mean. Often they don't even *know* what they mean, or want. Good things aren't always handed to you on a plate, sometimes you have to show initiative.

 

In this case, if he fancied you once, he still does. He is trying to act mature & rational. That doesn't mean diddly squat - he would still bone you in a heartbeat if you play your cards right. The fact is, you have a guy whose lustful side wants you, but who has gotten used to controlling it for so long that it's become a habit. You have to break the habit and reserve, almost by force. A quick "talk" isn't going to cut it. "Talks" don't seduce a man. Feelings, passions, the form of a female body wrapped in exotic lace underwear, fine wine (better still, champagne) and candlelight, tantalising whispers in the ear, promises of hot steamy nights and wild sexual fantasies made real - those are what seduce men. Not many guys can resist a woman who goes all out to seduce him and offers herself up on a plate, especially if he already finds her attractive.

 

So, if you really want this guy, you'd better start upping your game. You are friends so you're in an ideal situation. Find out, subtly and over time, what type of women he goes for, what he likes in a woman, all that kind of thing. Then transform yourself into that woman, set the scene, trap him in you intricately spun web, and get him.

 

Too often on here, and in life in general, I see people give up so easily. Goddam it, isn't anything worth striving for? Do we expect everything on a plate? That which isn't earned, isn't appreciated. The harder it is to attain something, the more value it has. So go for it girl, prove him wrong and capture his heart. And you know what, he'll be blown away by it too - men love being the "victim" of a proper, 18th century style seduction...it doesn't happen very often, I can assure you!

[FishTale]

Find out, subtly and over time, what type of women he goes for, what he likes in a woman, all that kind of thing. Then transform yourself into that woman, set the scene, trap him in you intricately spun web, and get him.

Then I wouldn't be myself anymore and would be living a lie. No thanks. I want someone who wants me just the way I am.