Un-Friendzoning my best friend

[Guest]

And you know what, he'll be blown away by it too - men love being the "victim" of a proper, 18th century style seduction...it doesn't happen very often, I can assure you!

 

Sure, seduction (in this manner) might work-if you just wanna get laid- but I don't think that's the outcome she was looking for. There's a huge difference between 1) just trying to get laid and 2) trying to gain someone's love and respect.

 

And, from what I can tell, she's trying for #2.

[norajane]

I think she already has his love and respect...now she needs to light his fire a bit, and there's nothing wrong with a little flirting and subtle seduction to open his eyes.

[FishTale]

Oh there's definitely love...

My bad ex almost came in contact with me the other day (I have been in no contact with him for over 7 months) and I got upset over it. My best friend was very supportive of me as usual...

"Just keep in mind that you don’t like him and have no feelings for him." he said, "He won't manipulate you, I won't let him. I'd never let anything happen to you."

 

I nearly cried when he said that.

My best friend spent about a half hour questioning me on how I feel.

I do despise my ex and never want to speak to him again. ...but the way my best friend said that sounded kind of... defensive. Like he was making sure.

 

This is either the fiercest friendship I've ever had, or he's kidding himself about wanting a relationship...

 

I think she already has his love and respect...now she needs to light his fire a bit, and there's nothing wrong with a little flirting and subtle seduction to open his eyes.

Yeah I get what you mean here, but I think what was suggested was a little extreme. I'm not going to 'transform' myself into the woman of his dreams... that kind of implies changing who I am just to get him. ...which I won't do.

 

Also...

Knowing him, inviting him over and appearing in the doorway wearing sexy lingerie (or nothing at all!) would likely reduce the respect he does have for me. Though his reaction would be hilarious to watch, that idea is out.

 

You're right though, if I want to have a shot at a relationship with him, I need to find a way to light his fire. That's hard to do without giving the impression that I only want to get in his pants. ...and I don't want to give that impression because I'm looking for the whole package, not just sex.

 

Even from the past g/f's I've seen him have, he's not easily aroused... He is not a sexual person at all. I have thought more than once that he may be 'asexual' -- in the sense that he's looking for the intimicy of a relationship (including kissing / cuddling) without the sex part. He certainly talks and acts that way, and his friends agree that he's different that way.

[Guest]

FishTale I am not trying to get at you but I am not sure why you are telling this:

 

Oh there's definitely love...

 

Is it because he was very defensive of you? Is it because he cares for you a lot? Is it because he told these two sentences?

 

"Just keep in mind that you don’t like him and have no feelings for him." he said, "He won't manipulate you, I won't let him. I'd never let anything happen to you."

 

Friends care about other friends. It's just something that is normal.

 

As an example, last week I had a bad day at work. I emailed one of my female friends (i am a guy) and told her about this. She was very concerned and told that everything will be fine and also told me what I should exactly do to ease the situation. We had couple of email exchanges and finally I said "Thanks sugar" and finished the email exchange. I then forgot about it. Later in the night at around 11:30pm she called me up and left a lengthy voice-mail... for more than 2 minutes. She said she was wondering how I was feeling now and she kept encouraging and lifting my spirits up... She told that she was making sure I was okay and was smiling again. I then returned her call and we spoke for around an hour.

 

Honestly I was a bit surprised that she called me up! We had already discussed the issue through emails.

 

I am not sure how to take it. But I am just assuming that friends care for their friends and going with that.

[Yamaha]

or he's kidding himself about wanting a relationship...

 

I believe I told you he has made a choice not to date you. He still feels very strongly about you but is afraid ( for what ever reason ) to go farther than friendship. You also need to think of yourself. He may never let himself go and you will have a unhappy life if you hope but it never happens. You need to move forward and look for someone who will not be afraid and give you want you desire. He may change is mind but he may not.

He is the loser if he gives in to his fear.

[norajane]

You're right though, if I want to have a shot at a relationship with him, I need to find a way to light his fire. That's hard to do without giving the impression that I only want to get in his pants. ...and I don't want to give that impression because I'm looking for the whole package, not just sex.

 

Flirtation doesn't have to be about getting into his pants - flirtation is showing your admiration for someone:

 

- lots of eye contact, especially when combined with smiles

- hugs when you greet him, little casual touches on his arm

- lots of compliments - on how nice his eyes looks with that blue shirt he's wearing, how smart he is to know how to fix your stereo, how kind he is to drive you home, how funny he is when he makes you laugh in three words or less, what good taste he has in restaurants...all the things you like about him should be things he hears about from you

- telling him how lucky you feel that he's so caring to listen to you when you have ex boyfriend woes, how lucky you feel to have him in your life

- wearing your favorite perfume

- wearing clothes that you look good in and feel great in

- doing nice things for him

- listening to him

- paying attention to him

[FishTale]

Either I’m conveying the wrong idea and confusing people in my posts or people aren’t reading the whole thing…

 

FishTale I am not trying to get at you but I am not sure why you are telling this:

Someone mentioned “I think she already has his love and respect”

…and I’m agreeing.

 

There is love, but it's a deep friendship-type love. You can love someone and not [want to] be romantic with them – and that’s apparently what I’m seeing. It's not love because of that single incident I mentioned; it's a million little things, pointless to explain here, throughout our entire friendship.

 

I have never had a friend that was this attentive to me before, so I often find it bewildering and overwhelming that he treats me the way he does and doesn't want anything more. …but yes, I can’t expect anything from him now that he’s turned my offer down. I'm not pining for this guy. It would be nice if we could be together like that, but I'm not seeing anything ever happening now unless he comes to me on his own terms. I repeat: I’m not waiting around for him.

 

I said I was going to move on and just be friends with him, but no one seems to be letting me, online or in real life. It's done, I respect his decision, but people keep bringing the idea back up. I’m not hoping for anything here.

 

I’m pondering what has been said about flirting with him, but will I ever actually do that and expect him to change? No.

[Raleuse]

There is love, but it's a deep friendship-type love. You can love someone and not [want to] be romantic with them – and that’s apparently what I’m seeing.

 

I have never had a friend that was this attentive to me before, so I often find it bewildering and overwhelming that he treats me the way he does and doesn't want anything more. …but yes, I can’t expect anything from him now that he’s turned my offer down. I'm not pining for this guy. It would be nice if we could be together like that, but I'm not seeing anything ever happening now unless he comes to me on his own terms. I repeat: I’m not waiting around for him.

 

I said I was going to move on and just be friends with him, but no one seems to be letting me, online or in real life. It's done, I respect his decision, but people keep bringing the idea back up. I’m not hoping for anything here.

 

I’m pondering what has been said about flirting with him, but will I ever actually do that and expect him to change? No.

 

And you're right. Whatever the reason, he's just not into you that way. I know, I have the same kind of friendship with a guy whom for very good reasons isn't able to commit to a romantic relationship with me. He's made his decision, isn't sexually drawn to me anymore, but still loves me very much as a friend. Fine by me. I know there are very little chances he'll change his mind and like you, am not going to wait for him (tho I first wanted to when I thought he might change his mind).

People (online mainly) have told me to forget him completely, delete him from my life, to be able to move on, but I am not going to loose my best friend and hurt him in the process when we have such a wonderful friendship. At least until one of us gets romantically involved.

[Raleuse]

Also, you've given up way too soon. People don't say what they mean. Often they don't even *know* what they mean, or want. Good things aren't always handed to you on a plate, sometimes you have to show initiative.

 

In this case, if he fancied you once, he still does...

 

Mental traveller, I wonder if you're a man? Having read only exerpts of the book 'he's just not that into you', I understood the main message to be that if a guy is really into you, the woman hasn't got anything to do as he'll be the pursuer. And that a guy who says he doesn't want a romantic relationship means just that: he doesn't.

[Guest]

Yeah I get what you mean here, but I think what was suggested was a little extreme. I'm not going to 'transform' myself into the woman of his dreams... that kind of implies changing who I am just to get him. ...which I won't do.

 

This was actually what I was trying to get at. I'm glad FishTale understood it.

 

Also, later, it was suggested that a bit a flirting can't hurt. This I would agree with. However, "flirting" and "seduction" provide different connotations. And, like she points out, seduction is a bit extreme.

 

Although, looking back, maybe the original poster was actually suggesting flirtitng but presented it as seduction as a bit of "shock-and-awe"?

 

Regardless, hope that clears that up what I meant.

[Guest]

I said I was going to move on and just be friends with him, but no one seems to be letting me, online or in real life. It's done, I respect his decision, but people keep bringing the idea back up. I’m not hoping for anything here.

 

FishTale,

 

I am sorry but I didn't mean to frustrate you or hold you back. I was just afraid whether you were reading too much into his actions/words.

 

But from your response it looks like you are doing fine. I admire the way you handled this entire thing. You changed your mind and were brave enough to tell this guy. And when he friend-zoned you, you handled it with grace and class. Most importantly instead of pining away for this guy you moved on yet not jeopardizing the friendship. The whole thing is just awesome!!

 

I am sure you will find a worthy man that has the balls to be true to his feelings and go after you!

 

PS: I am amazed at the way you handled this rejection. Do you have any tips for us?

[FishTale]

No harm done, Guest.

 

 

Well, I think it was easier to take because I’ve learned now that being rejected is nothing compared to a breakup… Better to be rejected up front before too many emotions are involved, than down the road. Every time I’m rejected in some way, it hurts, but so far it’s getting easier to shake off.

 

Also I really don’t want to be with someone who isn’t terribly excited, or even afraid to be with me. I tried that once and it wasn't fun. My friend just wasn’t there on that level, and putting myself in his shoes I can see how it would be unfair and selfish to pine over him. I'm also glad he was upfront with me and didn't lead me on. He wants a friendship and I’m not going to ask for more than he can give for both our sakes.

 

After my last ex, I thought I’d never find anyone as good. Later, I saw my best friend in a new light. After my friend rejected me, I thought I’d never find anyone as good again. Truth is, there will be someone better, eventually… I’m sure of it. Like you said, just need to find someone with the balls… :\

[Guest]

No harm done, Guest.

 

 

Well, I think it was easier to take because I’ve learned now that being rejected is nothing compared to a breakup… Better to be rejected up front before too many emotions are involved, than down the road. Every time I’m rejected in some way, it hurts, but so far it’s getting easier to shake off.

 

Also I really don’t want to be with someone who isn’t terribly excited, or even afraid to be with me. I tried that once and it wasn't fun. My friend just wasn’t there on that level, and putting myself in his shoes I can see how it would be unfair and selfish to pine over him. I'm also glad he was upfront with me and didn't lead me on. He wants a friendship and I’m not going to ask for more than he can give for both our sakes.

 

After my last ex, I thought I’d never find anyone as good. Later, I saw my best friend in a new light. After my friend rejected me, I thought I’d never find anyone as good again. Truth is, there will be someone better, eventually… I’m sure of it. Like you said, just need to find someone with the balls… :\

 

I really think that you are a wonderful and mature person! I am very positive that you will find a wonderful man soon.

 

I am curious about something though. It looks like you are still friends with this guy. Is it okay for you? Generally if you look around LS you will see that it is always a bad idea to be friends with someone that has rejected you. The resentment and the rejection will always be there causing friction. Add the 'hope factor' to that mix. But it is usually men that get friend-zoned and it is a bad idea to continue to the friendship. So I am wondering about this whole situation where the genders have been reversed.

 

How comfortable are you to be friends with this guy that has rejected you? Are you not angry with him? How would you feel if he starts dating some other woman? and most importantly how would you feel if he kisses her/makes out with her in front of you?