Dilema: How to go about this now?

[Nina]

I made up a bogus name (lets call it Jen) with a bogus email account over a year and a half ago to track down an old boyfriend who was a real jack-ass to me in the past. I pretended I was interested in the same field of work as him, and for a long time we were internet pen-pals.

 

Then, just to see his reaction I wrote him an email pretending to have bumped into his ex-girlfriend (me) at a party saying I had still not gotten over him..Anyhow, he wrote to "Jen", saying he didn't want to have anything to do with "me" and that it was a good thing I didn't give her his personal information....I kept up a correspondence with him and eventually his new wife (I didn't realize he had remarried) as "Jen". "I" wrote a letter to him thru "Jen" once pretending I was still in love with him just to irritate him, and then he and his wife both wrote me an email back telling me to leave him alone, then I wrote another letter to his wife warning her that he would betray her just as he had betrayed me and countless other women...She wrote "me" back saying I was crazy and not to bother "Jen" or anyone else (I had complained about "me" to her as "Jen"!!)

 

Well now the situation has changed drastically and my ex's wife is emailing "Jen" all these heart felt emails telling me how he left her for a rich older woman, took all her money from her bank account, and has disappeared!(The a**hole never changed!) I am now truly sympathizing with her as I answer her emails and try to console her as she is devasted now...The last email she wrote she said she tried to call me (I had given a fake number as Jen) but I was never home.

 

Now I don't know what to do! On one hand I feel a bond of friendship has developed between this woman and myself, and I'm almost wondering if she doesn't somehow suspect or know that "Jen" is really "me" because why would she write so many detailed letters to me telling me all about her problems with this B*astard?? On the other hand I am afraid she will be very angry with me if I confess to her who I really am which I want to do because I feel this has gone far enough.

 

Should I call her up and pretend to be "Jen" or confess straight out who I really am??

[BeenThere]

Nina,

 

Your thirst for revenge has gotten WAY out of control. Posing as someone else and deliberately sending emails to this man and than his wife in order to spy and stir up trouble are the actions of a "stalker." The fact that you spent so much time and energy carefully plotting this clever masquerade indicates that you may have some very deep-seeded emotional problems that may require some counseling. The fact that you have now befriended this man's wife and feel you are somehow "helping" her is only a way of justifying your actions to yourself. No good can come from deception and lies, from creating chaos than pretending to come to the rescue. I'm afraid this may be one big mess you CAN NOT clean up.

 

I have been aquainted with many female friends who have done some outlandish things because of "unrequainted love." It can become a very dangerous thing, and almost self-destructive if you don't seek the help you need to finally let go of the hurt and pain of feeling scorned. I refer to it often in my posts because I see it happening so often here on the board, and have witnessed it with individuals that I know personally. And NEVER have I seen situations like this turn out well for the women who allow themselves to get caught up in them. It's a sickness that will consume you unless you learn to get a grip.

 

I think you've gone too far. Maybe you should consider cutting out now while your anonymity remains intact. And I would advise that you seek some professional help so that this does not happen again in the future.

 

Good Luck.

I made up a bogus name (lets call it Jen) with a bogus email account over a year and a half ago to track down an old boyfriend who was a real jack-ass to me in the past. I pretended I was interested in the same field of work as him, and for a long time we were internet pen-pals. Then, just to see his reaction I wrote him an email pretending to have bumped into his ex-girlfriend (me) at a party saying I had still not gotten over him..Anyhow, he wrote to "Jen", saying he didn't want to have anything to do with "me" and that it was a good thing I didn't give her his personal information....I kept up a correspondence with him and eventually his new wife (I didn't realize he had remarried) as "Jen". "I" wrote a letter to him thru "Jen" once pretending I was still in love with him just to irritate him, and then he and his wife both wrote me an email back telling me to leave him alone, then I wrote another letter to his wife warning her that he would betray her just as he had betrayed me and countless other women...She wrote "me" back saying I was crazy and not to bother "Jen" or anyone else (I had complained about "me" to her as "Jen"!!) Well now the situation has changed drastically and my ex's wife is emailing "Jen" all these heart felt emails telling me how he left her for a rich older woman, took all her money from her bank account, and has disappeared!(The a**hole never changed!) I am now truly sympathizing with her as I answer her emails and try to console her as she is devasted now...The last email she wrote she said she tried to call me (I had given a fake number as Jen) but I was never home. Now I don't know what to do! On one hand I feel a bond of friendship has developed between this woman and myself, and I'm almost wondering if she doesn't somehow suspect or know that "Jen" is really "me" because why would she write so many detailed letters to me telling me all about her problems with this B*astard?? On the other hand I am afraid she will be very angry with me if I confess to her who I really am which I want to do because I feel this has gone far enough. Should I call her up and pretend to be "Jen" or confess straight out who I really am??

[midori]

Dear Nina,

 

I have never heard such a crazy thing. I can relate to your wish for revenge upon a nasty ex, and have imagined myself doing similar things -- like getting in touch anonymously with my ex's new love interest & directing her to my postings on this site. So I've had similar inclinations but I've never acted on them. Not because I think I'm morally superior, nor out of a wish to spare my ex the humiliation & trouble that might ensue if his new woman did learn about his selfish antics. But because a) I want to put as much distance between myself and the hurtful person my ex has proven himself to be as possible, and b) I don't have the right to interfere with someone else's life, which is what getting in touch with the new woman would be. I might tell myself that I'd be doing it for her own good, but obviously my real motive would be revenge, pure and simple. I know my ex is an immature jerk, and she'll find out soon enough (one hopes more quickly than I did, and she's a successful intelligent person so I'm guessing that she will). I think you know that your warnings & games were solely about getting revenge on your ex. Despite the hurtful things he did to you, you were still trying to have interaction with him -- using a fake identity as a medium. You were trying to impact his life by messing up his marriage and by inserting a person who doesn't even really exist into his life. What did you hope to gain? That he would finally see the light and realize what a jerk he'd been to you? If he's as bad as you say, you had to know that was unlikely.

 

I hope you realize that your deceptions may have played a part, however small, in the break-up of the marriage. Your ex's wife might have told you (through "jen") to go to hell and leave them alone, but you have no way of knowing how the things you said affected their relationship. Your posting circuitously acknowledges some responsibility for things getting out of hand the way that have but you seem to feel that you were justified in doing what you did. Do you really believe that? If anything your stunts have demonstrated that you're a vindictive, deceitful person who will go to any length to wreak havoc in someone's life just because her feelings have been hurt. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction -- and have made your ex's wish to have nothing to do with you understandable. No matter how much of a prick Michael Douglas's character was, Glenn Close was insane & evil.

 

I'm not saying you're a knife-wielding psychopath, but you've created an awful mess involving people that you by all rights should have nothing to do with at this stage in your life. The courageous thing, and the right thing, to do would be to fess up to the wife about your duplicity. Of course she'll be angry -- she has every right to be angry. You have no right to enjoy her goodwill, nor to indulge in your taste for maliciousness by providing a sympathetic ear about how awful your ex is. Frankly I think the wife deserves to know the truth about the tricks you've played so that if indeed they played a role in her marriage's demise she'll at least know who's to blame. If you don't have the integrity to do thatI think that "Jen" should just disappear. Cancel the account: don't just let it lie dormant. Don't ever try to communicate with the poor wife again. You've been lying to her and you have no way of knowing how destructive your lies have been in her life.

 

Wow. I think you really need to get a grip. It sounds far-gone enough that counseling might be warranted. I really do understand the wish for revenge. I feel rather consumed by it myself at the moment -- but like I said, there's a big difference between thinking about it and actually doing it. You failed to appreciate the consequences of what you set in motion, and when it got out of control you didn't seem to be able to put a stop to it. What does that say? Lastly, you're stuck in the past, trying to have interaction -- whether hostile or loving -- with a man who treated you badly. Why? Why haven't you moved on to better things, better people? All you've accomplished is to demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that your ex is still under your skin. When it comes to a failed romance, indifference is the best revenge.

 

Please think about what you were trying to accomplish. And think about the way you've abused the wife's trust, and may have done far worse. She deserves to have you and all of your bad intentions out of her life completely. Be honest with yourself at least in so far as acknowledging that you do not have her best interests at heart.

[Nina]

THanks for the advice. I realize this got way out of hand and at one point I was just doing it for laughs to see how stupid he was, but now I am friggin scared!!

 

They lived in Berlin, but he took off to Dallas only with a tourist visa, barely able to speak English, emptied her bank account and evaded paying taxes there!! (this is what she wrote me last)

Your posting circuitously acknowledges some responsibility for things getting out of hand the way that have but you seem to feel that you were justified in doing what you did. Do you really believe that?

 

I don't really think it has much to do with it because the wife only started writing "Jen" long after "I" had dropped out of the picture. He did this with other women too (One of my best friends) and one of my friends even asked me to look for him because he owed her money. I guess I kind of felt like I was on "mission" to protect and defend betrayed and cheated women...

 

What does that say? Lastly, you're

stuck in the past, trying to have interaction -- whether hostile or loving -- with a man who treated you badly.

 

I write fiction based on my past..

 

Why? Why haven't you moved

on to better things, better people?

 

I have moved on with better people, but I have the capability to deal with different people on different levels all at the same time. Just my nature, and I do see a therapist in group therapy. The group finds me a hoot, but i don't see it that way.

 

Thanks, I will confess, but tell me one thing, do you think she might already "feel" it is "me"?

[midori]

I have moved on with better people, but I Thanks, I will confess, but tell me one thing, do you think she might already "feel" it is "me"?

Does it matter? It's good that you're going to confess, it's the brave thing and the right thing to do. Regardless of the wife's reaction I would think the best thing for you to do is to stay faaaarrr away from her, and certainly from your ex. No part of what you did was healthy. Your ex might well be one of the biggest creeps to currently walk the earth but why would you want to devote your life to proving this? It's true regardless, you can't possibly protect all the women in the world from him, and you'll never get him to face up to what he is and what he's done. Why do him the honor of spending two more seconds of your time on his crap? I think you ought to clean up the mess you made by confessing to the wife and making yourself availble to answer any questions she might have about what was going on, and when that's over put this behind you by ceasing all communication with him, with her, and with anyone you know who's connected to them. She might well tell him that it was you at some point, there could be repercussions from this that you haven't anticipated, but if you're smart you'll make keeping out of this your hard and fast rule. I suppose the melodrama would be exciting but it could get very ugly very quickly.

[Nina]

Yesterday I called my ex's wife up as she had been planning to call me (!!) and we talked for almost two hours. We really seemed to have alot of things in common and we liked each other.

 

I tried to hint to her several times who I really was, but I don't know if she got it. For example she talked about how her opinion of Nina (me) had changed when she realized that he had never ended the relationship, and she confessed to having encouraged him to talk to me or even meet me to say the final words, but he never wanted to. This gave me an opportunity to kind of defend Nina (myself) and I told her that he made her crazy and it wasn't all her fault. She agreed with this as she herself felt she had gone crazy after he picked up and left her a month ago....

 

I told her she should have never given him access to her bank account and then she confessed to me that they were never really married, but just referred to themselves as husband and wife, and she had never shared her account, but only payed for his living expenses the last five years!!

 

At one point she said that she wanted to come to New York in March to see a friend and we would meet. This is when I tried to tell her I wasn't all I seemed to be, but I don't think she got it. "Listen to me carefully,"I began. "I am full of surprizes and you will see this..." She didn't answer anything, but hopefully she took the hint. THe fact that I professed to know so many details of her common-law hopefully gave her the hint as well, but for some reason I just coulndn't break it to her then because I felt guilty.

 

A few days ago she sent me a Jpeg photo of herself, so after our conversation I sent her a real jpeg of myself (the photo is the best quality and it isn't a typical shot of me) This was a gamble because it is possible my ex could have showed her a photo of me before, but I doubt it. In any case I showed her my true colors on screen...

 

THe only other clue i left her was by not signing a name on the last email with the jpeg. I haven't heard back from her which is slightly odd, so do you think she has figured out my identity???

[raven]

I read your post below, and as dangerous territory your on, the truth is now out, and whether they are having problems or not, they are still together. After talking to you, you dropping hints, and then she sees a pic, I wouldnt doubt it if she took it to him and asked if he knew who it was. Just my opinion of course. If she calls again, just own up to it and tell the truth.......

Yesterday I called my ex's wife up as she had been planning to call me (!!) and we talked for almost two hours. We really seemed to have alot of things in common and we liked each other.

 

I tried to hint to her several times who I really was, but I don't know if she got it. For example she talked about how her opinion of Nina (me) had changed when she realized that he had never ended the relationship, and she confessed to having encouraged him to talk to me or even meet me to say the final words, but he never wanted to. This gave me an opportunity to kind of defend Nina (myself) and I told her that he made her crazy and it wasn't all her fault. She agreed with this as she herself felt she had gone crazy after he picked up and left her a month ago....

 

I told her she should have never given him access to her bank account and then she confessed to me that they were never really married, but just referred to themselves as husband and wife, and she had never shared her account, but only payed for his living expenses the last five years!!

 

At one point she said that she wanted to come to New York in March to see a friend and we would meet. This is when I tried to tell her I wasn't all I seemed to be, but I don't think she got it. "Listen to me carefully,"I began. "I am full of surprizes and you will see this..." She didn't answer anything, but hopefully she took the hint. THe fact that I professed to know so many details of her common-law hopefully gave her the hint as well, but for some reason I just coulndn't break it to her then because I felt guilty. A few days ago she sent me a Jpeg photo of herself, so after our conversation I sent her a real jpeg of myself (the photo is the best quality and it isn't a typical shot of me) This was a gamble because it is possible my ex could have showed her a photo of me before, but I doubt it. In any case I showed her my true colors on screen...

 

THe only other clue i left her was by not signing a name on the last email with the jpeg. I haven't heard back from her which is slightly odd, so do you think she has figured out my identity???

 

[BeenThere]

Nina,

 

What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing? You seem unable to detach yourself from the situation you created, associating yourself only with individuals connected to the turmoil surrounding this man...as if you are obsessed and possessed...even going so far as to call these people your "friends". You have never even met this woman or associated with her in any other circumstance except through your fictitious email persona. You are clinging to his memory...however vicariously...by trying to establish lines of communication with everyone he has come into contact with. To be totally frank and honest...its down right creepy! And after reading your posts I'm left to wonder who is REALLY the psycho here!!

 

Take this issue to your group therapy. And if you cannot find the courage to talk about your problem in front of others, than I would encourage you to make a private appointment to talk with your therapist.

 

You have a *serious* problem, and are emotionally ill. Posting your antics on this board is not going help you. You need a qualified professional!

Yesterday I called my ex's wife up as she had been planning to call me (!!) and we talked for almost two hours. We really seemed to have alot of things in common and we liked each other.

 

I tried to hint to her several times who I really was, but I don't know if she got it. For example she talked about how her opinion of Nina (me) had changed when she realized that he had never ended the relationship, and she confessed to having encouraged him to talk to me or even meet me to say the final words, but he never wanted to. This gave me an opportunity to kind of defend Nina (myself) and I told her that he made her crazy and it wasn't all her fault. She agreed with this as she herself felt she had gone crazy after he picked up and left her a month ago....

 

I told her she should have never given him access to her bank account and then she confessed to me that they were never really married, but just referred to themselves as husband and wife, and she had never shared her account, but only payed for his living expenses the last five years!!

 

At one point she said that she wanted to come to New York in March to see a friend and we would meet. This is when I tried to tell her I wasn't all I seemed to be, but I don't think she got it. "Listen to me carefully,"I began. "I am full of surprizes and you will see this..." She didn't answer anything, but hopefully she took the hint. THe fact that I professed to know so many details of her common-law hopefully gave her the hint as well, but for some reason I just coulndn't break it to her then because I felt guilty. A few days ago she sent me a Jpeg photo of herself, so after our conversation I sent her a real jpeg of myself (the photo is the best quality and it isn't a typical shot of me) This was a gamble because it is possible my ex could have showed her a photo of me before, but I doubt it. In any case I showed her my true colors on screen...

 

THe only other clue i left her was by not signing a name on the last email with the jpeg. I haven't heard back from her which is slightly odd, so do you think she has figured out my identity???

 

[unnamed]

You aren't over him.