Making him my worst "enemy" to move on...?

[leopardprint]

I was talking to a friend last night...

 

She says I need to make him out to be my worst enemy, not my best friend (which he was, and which he still calls me, but doesn't act like it at all). She says it's the only way to get over him.

 

To be honest, I never got over my first ex until I started really thinking about all the bad things he had done to me (cheating on me with my best friend multiple times, always verbally abusing me and picking fights, laughing in my face at my hurt after he broke up with me, etc.). When I finally taught myself to believe how much of a TOTAL WORTHLESS piece of **** he was, I got over him. When I was coping with me next ex, I taught myself to only think of his schizophrenia (believed he was a ninja and fought ninjas behind the highschool... DO NOT ASK), and I was instantly turned off. It became more of an embarrassing joke; I was quick to get over him and laugh about it all.

 

I don't want to make my S.O. (now ex) my enemy, because I know he never did anything on purpose to hurt me. He's never yelled at me, really picked fights with me, cheated on me, etc., and I know one of the reasons why he won't open up to me anyone (yes, this also proves he's immature about relationships, he doesn't want to get hurt, etc.) is because he doesn't want to hurt me either.

 

I don't know if it's fair to make him my enemy. Another friend of mine says I need to find a "better" man to replace him with, like, maybe what he did for me about my ex before him. I don't know, but I know what my first friend was saying. I will never get over him and move on if I continue to think that "our love was strong", that "we are eachother's its", that "he IS the one", etc. She says it's not going to work.

 

She says I need to take him walking away from the relationship, not wanting to fix things, and not being honest and open with me about his thoughts and feelings, is something to be mad about. She says it wasn't fair that he did all that to me, yet said he loved me and cared about me, and is letting me hurt, but continues to talk to me and tell me he doesn't want me out of his life, because I'm his "best friend" (yet, he won't even talk to me about the situation, or ask me how I'm doing - just always talks to me about cars).

 

Do you guys think this is fair, rational, irrational, etc.? Or should I just do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to cope and move on?

[the_alchemyst]

I don't think you should do this.

 

By making him your enemy, you'll indubitably begin to foster hatred for him.

 

If you hate him, he is still going to be in your heart and mind with destructive flames, thus ensuring that you will not "forget" him.

 

By having a grudge against him, you'll never really get over the person. You may succeed in no longer loving them, but you'll hate him--and hatred is a powerful and destructive feeling.

 

The point of moving on is to be able to think about an ex and feel hardly anything at all. If you should remember something, it should be something fond that perhaps draws a smile upon your face, but leaves your heart intact.

 

Kind of like: "Oh, yeah. I remember that guy. Heh. [smile]. So, anyway, the movies tomorrow, you say?"

 

Instead of like: "Oh, yeah. I remember that guy. [angry face] That good-for-nothing SOB! The only thing he was ever good for was [cuss, cuss, cuss . . .]!! I hate him! I wish he'd die! DIEEEE!"

 

You see?

 

[magda]

To move on, you have to see him for what he truly is. Knock him down of the proverbial pedestal, if you will. If he is a dirtbag, you should be able to see that. Just recognizing his faults will do though - no need to order a voodoo doll.

[leopardprint]

I see EXACTLY what you mean, alchemyst, and that's exactly what I was scared of.

 

My last ex before him, I had no beef with him what-so-ever. It was a near "perfect" love, but one day, he just got up and left. Left his whole world and life behind him. I don't think I ever truly got over him until I met my most recent S.O. (the now ex in question). There are times when I think of one time in particular (us, together in bed, at a beach house one morning), and I DO smile about it and feel good, but that's it. I have no hatered for him, and I don't think I really miss him either. I never thought of him (past ex) when I was with my recent S.O. (now ex), however; maybe once in the entitre couple years of being together.

 

I'm wondering though, because I love him so much, is it going to be the same thing? Am I going to not be able to get over him until I meet another man? And what if this next man isn't better, or is just a fling, will I go back to clinging to my now ex? I'm so scared of feeling sick and having these chest pains and being so sad for long, long time.

[leopardprint]

To move on, you have to see him for what he truly is. Knock him down of the proverbial pedestal, if you will. If he is a dirtbag, you should be able to see that.

 

I guess I'm in that newly-dumpee-phase where I go through waves of emotions and ideals about him. I'm angry at him one day, and think he's that "dirtbag" you're talking about, but then the next, I kick myself for being so immature and irrational, and for making him our to be less than he is, and I think about how amazing he was, and how he was always my best friend and significant other.

 

You say "you should be able to see that", but I'm never sure which is the real him. I've never had these momentary thoughts of him being a bad guy until AFTER we broke up, so I wonder, are they really real, or is it me just being angry and hurt about the situation?

 

I always think "Come on, you should KNOW by now", but it seems like I'm ALWAYS questioning myself, because I'm scared I'll take the wrong turn. I never know what's right and what's wrong when it comes to dealing with someone I love so much and has left me.

[TheSilentType]

I had always been an advocate of hating the other person to move on. But then I realized that it really consumes you and is really taxing emotionally and mentally.

 

I feel the best way is to be very indifferent about your ex.

 

There's a saying, "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference."

 

There's another great quote by someone who I can't remember...but essentially the essence of the quote is this....

 

Life is too short....so love the one's that love you....and leave the ones that don't behind. It's one of the mottos that I live by.

 

If I can find the original quote which says it much better, I'll post

[magda]

It's time to start trusting yourself and your ability to make choices about life and what's right and wrong to you, not what other people want and what is good for them.

 

 

I don't see the harm in thinking of him as a generally nice guy that did some bad stuff and ultimately wasn't right for you and hurt you a lot.

 

 

Hate is a strong emotion and it takes as much energy to hate as it does to love. It is a stage a lot of people go through on the road to recovery, though.

[RecordProducer]

To get over, it takes - TIME!

[the_alchemyst]

 

I'm wondering though, because I love him so much, is it going to be the same thing? Am I going to not be able to get over him until I meet another man? And what if this next man isn't better, or is just a fling, will I go back to clinging to my now ex? I'm so scared of feeling sick and having these chest pains and being so sad for long, long time.

 

There's no way anyone can know that but you, and in time.

 

Maybe you'll get over him sooner than you think. Or maybe you won't get over him until another woos your heart.

 

Many things can happen and in many different ways. But alas, the only way to know any of them is to meet them fist.

 

Don't hate him or try to turn him into your enemy; it won't bring you anything but further pain. Is that what you want?

[dgiirl]

There's a good booked called "Uncoupling" and it talks about the patterns of a relationship that is breaking up. Part of it talks about how the dumper focus' too much on the negative parts of the relationship, while the dumpee focus' too much on the positive parts of the relationship, and there is this tug of war. The dumper needs to focus on the negative parts in order to want out of the relationship, and the dumpee needs to figure out how to do the same. So the dumpee eventually switches from "He's amazing, the love of my life, i need him back" to "He's a complete asshat, I should have left him long ago".

 

It's an interesting read, but a very difficult one if you're just fresh in the breakup.

[leopardprint]

................. :eek:

 

dgiirl, I didn't even post my entire relationship story or breakup and you NAILED it right on the head!!! (kinda creepy!!)

 

Yes!! That is EXACTLY what happened with us. I'm buying this book ASAP!! Thank you so much!! :love:

[In Sync]

 

Do you guys think this is fair, rational, irrational, etc.? Or should I just do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to cope and move on?

 

 

Look, all these bandages your friends are suggesting to you are temporary tricks to get you to avoid the feeling of hurt over a broken relationship. The grown-up reality is facing the fact...People get hurt but you don't have to respond to it with more negativity. ( I personally don't think you re helping yourself if you are still communicating with him...because you are mixing messages in your head and heart. You want to move on but by seeing or talking to him those feelings are stirred again. But you probably know this)

 

If you want to move on, find a meaningful purpose in your life. You don't need to become angry and make him your enemy. Sorry, but these are reactions that are based in adolescent emotions. Dedicate your thoughts and actions into something good, perhaps helping someone in need, perhaps furthering a dream, career goal, creative goal of your own. Something that creates positive actions.

 

I totally understand how you feel but as someone else said in this thread it takes time...But don't waste this precious time wallowing in anger towards him.

[leopardprint]

Thank you In Sync, and everyone else! I DO care about this guy, and the idea of making him my enemy did sort of get me upset. I care about him, thus, I would never want to do that to him anyways.

 

This is not really about him anymore; it's about myself. I shouldn't be trying to change him in my mind. I need to change. My ideas and my feelings need to change so I can cope and move on.

 

I know this - and thank you all for being there to push me in that direction.

 

It's just so hard being alone in it all.

[dgiirl]

You dont need to change him in your mind, you just have to look at him without the rose-tinted glasses. Like me, you seem to have put your ex on a pedestal, and I'm sure if you examine the situation honestly, you'll realize he (nor anyone) deserves to be up there. He must have had some faults that you can focus on to help you get over him. This doesnt mean you become bitter and seek revenge to make him your enemy. It just means you realize he might honestly not be THE one, because if he was, he'd still be with you, he would have made it work. This is a fault on HIM, not on you.

 

I agree with In Sync tho. Why are you still communicating with him? Your friends are right in saying it's not fair of him to leave you, but still keep calling you and saying your his best friend. That's cruel! And your settling for crumbs from this guy! Listen, he might be a "nice" guy, but you need to put yourself and your needs first. And the first priority is healing your heart. You cant heal it if you keep poking it with a stick. And this is what constant communication with your ex is doing. You dont need to go all dramatic and tell him you never want to talk to him again, or any of that. But you can say assertively that you need some time to heal. Take a year out from one another, and if after that, you both want to be friends, then great. But you do need some time to be by yourself so you can uncouple yourself from him. So you can learn to function as a happy single person and not feel this empty void. If every time you talk to him, you are obsessively thinking of what you can say or do to get him to come back, if only you were cute enough, funny enough, smart enough, kind enough, you wont get over him until you give yourself the time you need.

 

Making him your enemy just keeps the connection to him alive. Indifference, and then eventually forgiveness, is the key. Try working on indifference for the moment. You are indifferent to what he is doing, thinking, feeling. Once you get a hold on indifference, try forgiving him. I'm working on the last one. It's pretty difficult but I'm a 1.5 years into it, and need to do it for myself.

[ImmaBeAlright]

I was talking to a friend last night...

 

She says I need to make him out to be my worst enemy, not my best friend (which he was, and which he still calls me, but doesn't act like it at all). She says it's the only way to get over him.

 

To be honest, I never got over my first ex until I started really thinking about all the bad things he had done to me (cheating on me with my best friend multiple times, always verbally abusing me and picking fights, laughing in my face at my hurt after he broke up with me, etc.). When I finally taught myself to believe how much of a TOTAL WORTHLESS piece of **** he was, I got over him. When I was coping with me next ex, I taught myself to only think of his schizophrenia (believed he was a ninja and fought ninjas behind the highschool... DO NOT ASK), and I was instantly turned off. It became more of an embarrassing joke; I was quick to get over him and laugh about it all.

 

I don't want to make my S.O. (now ex) my enemy, because I know he never did anything on purpose to hurt me. He's never yelled at me, really picked fights with me, cheated on me, etc., and I know one of the reasons why he won't open up to me anyone (yes, this also proves he's immature about relationships, he doesn't want to get hurt, etc.) is because he doesn't want to hurt me either.

 

I don't know if it's fair to make him my enemy. Another friend of mine says I need to find a "better" man to replace him with, like, maybe what he did for me about my ex before him. I don't know, but I know what my first friend was saying. I will never get over him and move on if I continue to think that "our love was strong", that "we are eachother's its", that "he IS the one", etc. She says it's not going to work.

 

She says I need to take him walking away from the relationship, not wanting to fix things, and not being honest and open with me about his thoughts and feelings, is something to be mad about. She says it wasn't fair that he did all that to me, yet said he loved me and cared about me, and is letting me hurt, but continues to talk to me and tell me he doesn't want me out of his life, because I'm his "best friend" (yet, he won't even talk to me about the situation, or ask me how I'm doing - just always talks to me about cars).

 

Do you guys think this is fair, rational, irrational, etc.? Or should I just do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to cope and move on?

 

 

 

I don't agree with your friends on making him the worst enemy, I know i couldn't do it unless he really had done some bad thing and my ex didnt. But, having said that: Here is what I always keep in mind.

 

1. We were perfect for each other

No, we were not, other wise we would still be together.

 

2. We were so happy together.

No. We were not. Well, he was not, why he bailed.

 

3. He was my soulmate.

No. Otherwise he would still be here.

 

4. We can still be friends, stay in contact.

No. I usually prefer friends who haven't broken my heart.

 

So, he is not my enemy, but neither is he my friend. I have no hard feeling for my ex, I actually still like and respect him. But for me, once I faced the above, made life easier for me.