getting through to someone in an abusive situation

[quankanne]

in another post in this forum, someone asked about victims of abuse lacking judgement in choosing potential mates, and I talked about how self-worth played a large role.

 

my question is, how do you get through to someone who's in an abusive situation, but refuses to see it? Especially when several members of her family have talked to her at different times about not having to stay in a marriage when her husband's behavior is affecting her little family.

 

in the other post, I mentioned how I thought this woman – who is incredibly bright, funny, sweet and lovely – might have convinced herself that her husband's behavior is allowable because he's the "good Christian" in the marriage or she doesn't quite believe there's a problem because "he's not like" that since those occasions of abuse (not sure to what degree physical, but I do know there is verbal and mental abuse) appear far apart.

 

however, knowing her before and after her marriage to this man, it's easy to detect when she started becoming a shadow of herself: Ms. Fiesty never before would have put up with someone putting her down or even physically restraining her, but now ... it's like watching a whipped puppy trying so hard to please its master, I think the mental abuse is pretty well grounded in her marriage.

 

I'm also convinced that he has capitalized on her inadequate feelings as a child of divorce by telling her that women and children are stigmatized by divorce, and has set his own dysfunctional family as the standard – they may have got all kinds of problems, but HIS parents never divorced.

 

at what point does a person in that situation start to see that maybe there's something better for him/her and begin making a change (counselling in the marriage if she's determined to see it through, or walking away if she's not)? What do the people around her need to do to help empower her?

 

or is it an effort in futility?

[Outcast]

my question is, how do you get through to someone who's in an abusive situation, but refuses to see it?

 

I suggest you call a domestic abuse line and ask them. People who deal with this all the time may have much better suggestions than most of us might.

 

I know a lot of women don't know about the cycle of abuse so think, as per my last post on the issue, that the abuse is an anomaly and that 'he's not like that, really'. It's the good guy/bad guy dichotomy that can confuse people; your poor brain doesn't want to comprehend that someone who can be so good can also be bad - and you hang on to the good and believe that's the 'real' guy.

 

Me, of course, my first instinct when problems arise is to research for solutions so I quickly came across all the information I needed to make me realize that he was deeply troubled and someone I couldn't help so I didn't stay long. It was the information that helped me, but a lot of people aren't too interested in facts; they go on emotion. You've seen it here as people in bad situations keep denying that the situations are really that bad and that the guy 'says he loves her'.

 

Sadly, a lot of people put far too much weight on words even when actions don't back them up.

[amaysngrace]

I know for me, it took a long time before the realization set in. I had been given pamphlets many times, seen the outline of the cycle, could relate to it but it took a very long time for me to accept it as my reality. Once I did, even then it was hard to break the cycle.

 

My oldest sister was as bright as they came, and she looked after me in that regard. She would notice bruises on me and snap pictures when she saw me like that. I never did use them. But even then with hard proof, when you are in the victim-mentality, it's hard to face.

 

She most likely knows that something is not right. But her thinking is also a part of the problem. While in an abusive relationship, you seem to lose your good judgment. You see the good, as OC has said, and kid yourself that this is the person you love. And you may not believe in yourself enough to feel as though you have strength to demand change. You may see yourself as someone who is basically unworthy of better treatment. And so you stay. Because you doubt if you can make it without this person.

 

Does she have children, Quankanne? I would think this is the best route to go in getting through to her if she does. For me, I woke up one day when I realized I didn't want my daughter to marry a man like her father, or my son to become such a man. And I went from there. That was my strength. But even then it was hard.

 

You see me struggle with this, even still, to this day. I have been aware of the situation for years, took a stand and left him almost a year and a half ago, and I still have things to sort through in my head.

 

You may also suggest to her to document all mistreatment from him. This will give her a window to write about it, and maybe get her to become more in touch with the situation. When you see it in writing from your own perception, it does help to bring about the realization as well, at least it has for me.

 

If I can think of anything else that I have found to help me along the way, I will be sure to pass it along.

 

You are a good friend, Quankanne

[amaysngrace]

Oh, one more thing...a phrase Dr. Phil had used that really rang a bell with me is:

 

"Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one"

 

Maybe you can tell her this, and maybe she can relate to what if her parents did stay together? I would maybe mention to her that she got a bit broken from it all, but would have been possibly much worse had they stayed together.

 

And the longer she stays, the more issues her children will have with their relationships. She and he are giving them a false sense of normal. And she will contribute to allow the cycle to be passed down.

 

I would definitely use the 'children card' with her. I do believe it's your best chance to open her eyes.

[quankanne]

thanks for writing, guys – I hadn't thought about contacting the abuse hotline for their input, but the more I think about it, the better I like that suggestion, outie.

 

AG – her parents have tried doing one-on-one interventions with her, but are getting a blank wall. Even when they point out that someday her 6 yoa daughter is going to be in an abusive relationship because she was raised to think it was okay to let a man say and do ugly things to her, and that her 5yoa brother has the potential to repeat his father's behavior if this is what he sees most. Unfortunately, I think it's going to have to get really, really ugly – like her husband physically hurting the kids – before instinct kicks in and she comes to her senses. Because she's not going to stand up for herself.

 

"Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one"

 

good line of thought – she might actually respond to that.

 

again, thank you so much for weighing in: I feel better armed now!

[stillhere]

Sometimes it has to get so severe before they are willing to realize that this isn't "normal".

 

My SIL is going through this right now. Her stbxH beat her up (after they were separated and living apart) put her in the car, drove her out to the country, held a gun to her head and told her that "today was the day she was gonna die"! She got away, called the police, and he was arrested for assault and battery, but the gun couldn't be found, so he was never charged for that. Her word against his.

 

Her relationship has been mental and verbal, up until about 2-3 months ago. Then he started to get worse.

 

The abuser does not stop, and usually escalates, unless he wants to stop.

 

Her H was losing control of her, so he had to push harder and become violent to try to keep his control.

 

It's difficult and frustrating to watch someone in this position, and not be able to get them to see that they are truely in danger.

 

BTW, her oldest 14 year old daughter is going to be JUST like her dad. She defends him fully, and even tries to punch her mom as well. The cycle continues...........

[amaysngrace]

Another thing, Quank, is maybe look up sociological profiles. See if you can't singlehandedly pinpoint what his problem is.

 

Then call him that frequently when speaking to her. "I don't know how you live with a such-and-such. I give you credit. I wouldn't put up with it, etc".

 

If you can identify the problem, and get her to recognize that indeed there is one, it may make a lightbulb go off in her head.

[alphamale]

my question is, how do you get through to someone who's in an abusive situation, but refuses to see it?

you cannot QUANK...you basically have to wait until they come to you seeking assistance. Not unlike the alcoholic or heroin addict.

[amaysngrace]

you cannot QUANK...you basically have to wait until they come to you seeking assistance. Not unlike the alcoholic or heroin addict.

 

Not necessarily. I think by bringing it up frequently may help to keep it alive. If it's just brushed under the rug, then she may do just that.

 

Reminding her that something's not right, especially if enough of her loved ones share this opinion, can actually help her to see it for what it is.

 

Don't forget that in abuse, the victim is likely to have doubts. She may second-guess herself and may try to convince herself it isn't that bad. Making her know it is can only help to give her awareness.

 

It's worth a shot.

[RecordProducer]

If you approach her directly about it, she will possibly be offended and defensive. Your goal is for her to hear what you have to say. She will decide whether she wants to act upon it. You want to make her think about it.

 

So go around. Don't mention her story, just talk about life, marriages, respect, love... Tell her examples, tell her about women who sound like her case, tell her how things should be, could be... and how they shouldn't be.

 

With a little bit of luck, she will reflect about your words and they might retain in her mind for longer than a minute.

 

But you can't make her do anything. You can only talk to her.

[alphamale]

Don't forget that in abuse, the victim is likely to have doubts. She may second-guess herself and may try to convince herself it isn't that bad. Making her know it is can only help to give her awareness.

Trust me AMAYSNGRACE...she already knows she's being abused and does not need reminding from others.

 

Its like going up to an extrememly obese person and telling them they are too fat and need to stop eating.

[amaysngrace]

Trust me AMAYSNGRACE...she already knows she's being abused and does not need reminding from others.

 

Its like going up to an extrememly obese person and telling them they are too fat and need to stop eating.

 

 

Maybe she's in denial? Ever been in an abusive relationship Alpha?

 

Nah, didn't think so.

[alphamale]

Maybe she's in denial?

The best option is for the friend/relative to voice their opinion a few times and then shut up. The friend/relative should then take the best care of themselves both mentally, emotionally and physicially so that if, and when the abuser comes out of "denial" they are able to assist...

 

Ever been in an abusive relationship Alpha?

No, at least not one where I was abused.

[amaysngrace]

 

No, at least not one where I was abused.

 

Now why doesn't this statement surprise me??

[alphamale]

Now why doesn't this statement surprise me??

I don't know...

[Outcast]

Trust me AMAYSNGRACE...she already knows she's being abused and does not need reminding from others.

 

Well, chances are she doesn't. Because she thinks, as so many people do, that 'abusers' are monsters - horrible all the time. Not the nice sweet guy she lives with who sometimes does something awful but then not only turns sweet again but apologizes, likely with tears and deep self-berating and gifts.

 

And chances are she doesn't know about the cycle of abuse and how it worsens each time after a 'honeymoon phase' and even if she did know it, she still wouldn't think to apply it to herself because she thinks that 'other' women - maybe women with problems or women who aren't bright or just 'not me' in general get into abusive relationships but not her.

 

You haven't been there, Alf, and therefore can't ever grasp how surreal it actually is. It's soooooo much easier to observe from outside but inside, it's like being on Alice's side of the looking-glass.

 

“'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'

'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'”

Lewis Carroll

[alphamale]

You haven't been there, Alf,

don't call me Alf...that was an old TV show.