maleet Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 I am a newbie here. Just wanted advice. Sorry if this is so long... 5 months ago I met this guy... at the same time he was talking to this girl online. I met him before she ever did- in person i mean... (she is from another country) and M and I hit it off. We started seeing each other every week. We didnt really think it was something serious but it turned out to be. Now... him and the online girl had made plans for her to come visit. She had gotten vacation days and everything. About a month and a half later M and I got serious... pretty serious and this was maybe 2 weeks before the internet girl had planned to visit. he said he didnt know what to do. She spent all this money for plane tickets, had time off from work... etc. I first said, if she comes, I am leaving. He begged me not to. Even when I found out he was *talking* to another girl on the net I said i would back off as to not interfere... but he told me to please stay and he liked me. He thought that he owed her something for coming all this way... whatever. The day before this girl was to come he came over to see me (he lives an hour away btw, thats why it was limited to weekly visits) and we talked and i cried because i was scared he would run off with her... he said he wasnt going to leave me and that he would be here when she goes if i even wanted him after all this. Now... i also need to mention i said i never want to hear anything about what happened. ok so she came and was here for 2 weeks... he called me every single day to tell me he loved me. I expected something to happen but he promised that nothing crazy happened, we are great friends... i knew she was madly in love with him (even before meeting him??) and so i knew she would try something funny- like walk in the bathroom when he was in there. Her last day he drove her to the airport and he came right over to my house. We talked and we cried, it looked like after that, we would become stronger... have a more solid relationship. A day later things were great... til i got on the internet where she posted pics of him and her on his profile (you can leave comments). I saw a picture of her and M kissing. I nearly threw up. I learned to just face that it happened. i guess i should have said we were on a break for those 2 weeks but i really trusted him that things wouldnt happen. I lost trust in him after i found this out. OK... fast forward a few months... M and I are doing great, having a great time with each other. I am jealous he talks to the other girl online still but she is back in her country... M and I just got an apartment together just recently... Whle moving we found some stuff. stuff he couldnt hide. Found her bra under his bed... picture of her (print out.. but yet i dont see him having a pic of me anywhere)... and today I found pictures and movies of him and her (on his camera- yes i snooped, yell at me later)... X rated... so here i am in tears. Last weekend was perfect-- hes great. Bought me a little ring, card, flowers... took me to dinner and the movies... he cooks for me too... I am so happy we found each other, it just all keeps going back to those 2 weeks... i cant get it out of my head. I obviously cant let this go... if anyone out there can give me advice, let me know... at least give me tips to help me stop being jealous and i want to really let all of this go. M is at work right now. How do i approach him on this? I know he will say why are you going through my things? I did go into the camera to have a look around... I should just lay out all my feelings on the table, huh? Just say it all... just tell him i found evidence? Please tell me what to do. We are madly in love with each other, i just cannot seem to let this go... he has been faithful ever since that time though... I need help with my jealousy. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted August 18, 2006 Author Share Posted August 18, 2006 BTW... 2 women have approached my boyfriend basically for sex. one was moving away and she never told him that she likes him (she has a boyfriend too)... when she told my boyfriend her intentions he replied he had a girlfriend and the girl said she didnt care. They never got together, she moved a few states away. The other woman is a receptionist at his work and I met her 2 weeks ago and she pretty much gave up on the whole idea which is nice... i dont want to feel i need to compete. I have low self esteem... Link to post Share on other sites
binxy Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 hi, i'm not being pessimistic i'm just giving you a view outside yur own. how do u know that he hasn't cheated again if he said he never did anything inthe first place..that he only admitted when you found evidence. he seems to have some issues with commitment and can't let go of relationships and likes to nurture them. look at this: are u only ok with him speaking to this girl cause she's in another country. he doesn't respect you or your relationship in my opinion, if so he wouldn't have done what he did, he wouldn't have kept evidence . though u were on a break, who decided on the break, if you were together why would u need a break? so he could go do something duuh!! not tryin to be harsh. it seems to me that u choose to ignore the bad stuff when he does something that makes things 'perfect', but how perfect are things if the bad actually happened. he needs to focus on what he wants and what he wants out of the relationship. u'll find yourself unhappy and continuously putting 'perfect' bandaids over old wounds that will fester. u went into his camera BIG DEAL i'm sure there were things on there with you, u cud have been taping soemthing for him. u dont even have to justify what you did, he's flipping it if he starts to accuse you, its called DEFLECTION. you are not in the wrong. deal with HIS ISSUE. and u said ur insecure, u need to deal with that cause thats why u choose to stay when things are perfect: cause it makes u feel wanted and whole and secure. this will only let u stay with someone who abuses you and kisses you the next day to make u feel better. make urself feel better only then can u make a positive decision about your relationship. u found him, u can find many more, if you can be faithful why cant he? look at that- why then should he be excused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted August 18, 2006 Author Share Posted August 18, 2006 Thanks for the reply. He hasnt cheated again because we are now living together. He doesnt go anywhere to do that. He is at work now. I didnt get to confront him that i went in his camera and found those pics/vids. So... he is kind of in for a surprise now. I dont want him to speak to this other girl, even if she is in another country. M's mom also tells me she wants her and him to not talk either (btw, his mom gave him hell when the other girl came to the US). It wasnt really a break since i did not mess around on him in that time he was with her... i let him just go do his thing i guess to see if he would come back to me... BTW the other girl proposed to him and she wanted to move to the US too to be with him... maybe she was trying to scam him or something. We were ok until I saw these pictures... i had gotten over the fact that she visited (not totally of course) but these pics have had me weeping all day. I must say that my boyfriend was married before for 6 years and his wife just got up and left one day to be with someone she met on the net. Almost like its following the same path. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Well, if he told you nothing happened, then he's a BIG LIAR and you have every right to be upset. Bet he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend, either. I'm not sure why you stayed with him after she came out to visit. He could have told her he'd started seeing someone else, and if she still wanted to visit him, he'd be introducing the two of you and you'd be hanging out together. But no, he lied to both of you instead. Coward cake eater guy. Personally, I'd leave him, because I'd never be able to trust a word he says. I'd download those pics and videos onto the computer and give him a little slideshow when he comes home. And then give him a deadline to pack up his things and move out. Let him lie and cheat on some other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted August 18, 2006 Author Share Posted August 18, 2006 Hi Well this girl knows about me. She didnt care about me or the fact that him and I were seeing each other before she came (her and I were online friends for almost a week til she started provoking me). She told him that they would hang out as friends since she never been to the US... and oh look at what "friends" do... *barf* Sorry... i still feel sick over all this. it happened to be this morn i found the photos on the memory card. She actually wrote a letter about killing me. Isnt that nice? actually it was scary. I wont be able to afford this place myself... thats the crappy part. I might have to break the lease. i dont know what I am doing just yet. His mom (never met me but we talk online) had told me he was very loyal. Sorry... there are a lot of things that i forgot to talk about earlier as you can see... with every reply I have more to add to this drama... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Start looking for a roommate. You don't have to live with lying, cheating guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 A... You either leave his cheating a$$ or B...stay with him and next time you may not get so lucky as to only find X-rated pictures of them but you may just end up with an STD!! You will never be able to trust him again. Find someone who will be loyal and honest to you, you will only end up more hurt down the road if you stay with this guy, he isn't worth it. P.S. Go get an aids test and an STD test A.S.A.P. and thank your lucky stars if it comes back clean!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted August 18, 2006 Author Share Posted August 18, 2006 Start looking for a roommate. You don't have to live with lying, cheating guy. I was just talking on the phone with him. I think i made him cry... we will see. i will talk with him when he gets here Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Guest brings up a good point - get tested for STD's. When your bf gets there, make sure you ask him if he used condoms each and every time. Though if they had oral sex, well, condom isn't going to help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
britchick Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Maleet, There is absolutely no excuse for what he did, he has deceived you and doesn't even have the decency to destroy the evidence! Not only that, he is still in contact with the girl he cheated on you with. He may cry and say he loves you but his actions ever since this girl came to visit him speak much louder. Move out or get him out, I get the feeling you are going to forgive him. He has really been cheating on you all the time you have been together, just by keeping in contact with her after having sex with her behind your back. You sound so sad in your post, please try to get angry with him for how he has treated you. Good luck. Afterthought - If only mothers really knew their sons! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted August 24, 2006 Author Share Posted August 24, 2006 Thank you so much for your replies. I had a long talk with him on sunday (as well as friday)... i said some stuff that hurt his feelings and he cried... i cried... but then after he started to cry he just threw up. eeeeeeeew. I was just so mad about the whole thing you know? Like... why would he keep pictures???? or video???? I also told his mom and she was really mad about it- she really likes me... Anyways... he apparently thought he owed her and the girl liked him anyways ( i call her girl cause shes 19 LOL)... they were both on drugs too because he said he had to do so much *insert drug here- i dont want to say it* to even touch her... then he cried a lot saying he broke her heart and he broke mine. I guess he was really in the middle but i dont like sharing so thats that... i dont get over things easily and I am very stubborn... i am a taurus! this whole thing has made me sick... i just cant get over it. I cant get over things this big. But thanks to everyone that posted. I appreciate the support. This really hurt me because I thought he was definately the one for me... took me a while to write. I am home at my parents right now. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 You're a strong, strong woman, and kudos to you for not letting him take advantage of you any further!! You should be really proud of yourself of standing up for yourself and what's important to you. I'm glad you're with your parents right now - take all the support you can get, and you will eventually feel some peace. You will find someone who is right for you - someone who would never consider treating you like this guy did. Now that you've kicked him out of your life, you're a lot closer to meeting a good man. ETA: now do one more hard thing beofore you put this behind you - get tested for STD's Link to post Share on other sites
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